Parents who lie to their kids

[Sylvia Toyama]

Yesterday, I was enjoying a quiet moment to myself (no kids) at a favorite local restaurant. A large family group -- 6 adults and 5 kids -- settled in at the next table. As I read my book, I could overhear snippets of conversation. Before food arrived, I heard the mom threaten 'time-out' twice to one child or another. I considered moving to another table, but I really liked my spot there on patio.

When the food arrived, the little girl (she was 4) was very excited to see her oatmeal arrive. Soon, tho, she wasn't so happy, because it wasn't as tasty as she expected. Then, she complained that she didn't want the milk her mom had ordered for her. She wanted root beer, like her older brother (J) and cousins were having.

Little girl said "I want root beer. Why can't I have it?"

Mom said, "No, because you're not old enough."

"But J has root beer."

And Mom actually said, "The restaurant said no one younger than 5 can have soda."

Does this mom actually think her daughter won't figure out that's a lie? Maybe not today, but someday. More likely, daughter will learn that Mom lies -- to get her own way, and to shut off any further discussion.

And someday the parents will wonder why their little girl lies to get her way and to keep them out of her business.....

I just really can't go out in public anymore without being saddened at the way adults treat children.

[Sandra Dodd]

Probably that mom's mother lied to her.

Cycles can be broken, but I know what you mean about the sorrow of being in the presence of some poor child who isn't being treated lovingly.

[Nancy Machaj]

I can relate.
Yesterday my SIL was bragging how she made her 16 yo son cry and get upset because she yelled at him. She asked him to vacuum while she was gone, he didnt, and when she got home, she yelled, "R, What the F***" and he got upset and told her that she was a terrible mom and was supposed to set an example for the family and not yell or swear.
She told him to grow up, this is the real world, get used to it.
Then all the other adults she was telling the story to all laughed and ridiculed him. It was his birthday party we were all there for, too.
Really nice.
It made me want to cry on the way home. Do they not see how truly mean and horrible that is?

[Sylvia Toyama]

Yeah, I really can't stand when parents tell embarrassing stories about how mean they are to their child, then all the other adults laugh. So many mainstream parents just don't get it.

[Abby]

I have had a hard time with reconciling our philosophy on sports and how parents speak to kids and coaches. My husband and daughter are both involved in karate and have recently started attending tournaments. We are not ultra competitive and do not feel the need to have a wall lined with trophies. We do feel that if we are going to participate in a sport that we should train and be prepared, however we discuss this, make choices, not put each other down about it. We feel that karate is about personal best anyway. Tournament is there for the experiences, to learn, meet others learning a different style, to support our friends and dojo mates and we always meet and make new friends from other dojos.

However we have learned that not everyone feels that way. Saturday we attended a tournament and we heard a mom belittle her son. She was mean and harsh and ended her point by telling this boy, who was all of 8 or 9 that he looked like a slob and she was embarrassed. My daughter and I were really taken back by it. We moved to another area because we couldn’t spend the whole tournament hearing that kind of talk.

Before karate my daughter was involved in rec center soccer. This league didn’t even keep score; the point was to learn teamwork. However the parents would scream on the sidelines at the kids, at the refs, and on several occasions our coach would have to tell the parents to settle down. I was always jumpy at the soccer field because of all of the yelling. I always thought the stories about parents getting out of control at little league events was rare and a bit exaggerated. I was shocked to learn that was not the case. It was just surreal at the soccer field. I was glad when DD decided to focus on karate. I did not expect to hear that kind of talk at a karate event because of the training mindset. Perhaps I was being naive.

[Sylvia Toyama]

Dan, our 7yo, will start his 3rd season of AYSO soccer next month. Last year I was asst. Coach, this year I'm Coach. It's been an experience for us. Neither my dh nor I are sports fans, but Dan is a born athlete (he also bikes BMX) and a beautiful runner. He's also quite competitive, but in a positive way. He plays fair and expects everyone else to as well. He won't let us 'throw' a game against him, he insists we give an honest effort, and he's perfectly gracious about a loss. He truly plays for the love of the game.

So far, most of our games with AYSO have been positive. Once in a while, we get a parent who pushes their kid, but overall it's pretty tame. I hope that doesn't change as he gets older, tho.

And yeah, even aside from screaming, I've seen mainstream parents say some pretty awful things to their kids to 'motivate' them to play. I always have to prepare myself for the general mainstream ways -- threats of time-out, handslaps of smaller kids, ignoring kids' needs in general -- that sadden me.

I'd rather never show up at any sports event, but for Dan I'll happily go to any sport he chooses to play. Heck, I'd rather not go anywhere mainstream parents will be mistreating their kids, but the kids insist we leave the house on a pretty regular basis.

[Jennifer Varela]

Oh, that is so sad. My mom told me that our TV didn't work before 7 or 8pm. I had forgotten that she told me that. She remembered and mentioned it once. I can remember not understanding why my friend's TV's were on all the time and ours didn't come on until night. No wonder no one wanted to be at my house including me!

[Sarah Hubbard]

This has always saddened me as well. It is hard to go out in public sometimes and see how people in general treat one another, but I remind myself, that I AM making a difference in the world because I am NOT doing that to my children. I hate to see kids being yelled at in public, that torments me to no end. It is embarassing for those poor kids who are just focused on their needs and the parents are too distracted by getting whatever they are doing done and forgetting that they are just children and doing their best. I was once out with my mother who is VERY supportive of my parenting style (because it is so different from hers and she sees how it is working and how it didn't work with me) and our daughter was a toddler and she started throwing a "tantrum" in the store and I just let her throw it. I didn't get on to her, I didn't ask her to stop, I just let her express herself. I got embarassed, but I knew it was nothing I couldn't get over. My mom was freaking out. She was getting on to her and tell her to stop it and behave and I finally told her she would eventually stop and then we would figure out how to deal with it, but that yelling at her and scaring her into behaving wasn't the answer - at least not for us. Quickly my daughter got it out and we figured out she was tired of shopping and needed to do something. She wanted a toy I didn't have money for, but when we got to the bottom of it, it wasn't about the toy at all. I love knowing that we are making a difference. The fact that there are 400 people on this forum reminds me that there are tons of people out there and there are plenty more who don't know about it yet. Every time we talk to others and talk about how we parent we plant seeds of change in them, maybe they don't flower until much later when those parents become grandparents, but they are there none the less and when our actions speak louder than our words, you can know you are changing the face of parenting to parenting with love. Now, I have people ask me all the time what I do with my kids that make them so loving in public. We hold hands, we kiss, we touch, we hug, my kids want to sit in my lap and be with me and it because I treat them how I want to be treated rather than assuming I have this all consuming power that dictates every aspect of their life.

[Mary K.]

Mainstream parents are the reason that we decided to stop going to the local pool. At the beginning of the summer, we tried to go. Kyle's swim suit was falling down and a bunch of kids were rude to him about it. The parents were nowhere to be found. Then, on the other side of bad, one little girl was crying for her mom to get her out of the water because her sister was splashing her in the face. Her mom just stood there. We have a big enough backyard, so we all voted to get a softside pool for us. Now, we can swim whenever we want without listening to the parents neglect and abuse their children. And we have the convenience of naps for the little ones at home and food from our own kitchen.

[Heather]

Yes... crying babies ignored drives me crazy. It drives me nuts to see moms rocking the car seat to no avail. Or pushing the stroller back and forth hoping the baby will calm down. Sometimes I just want to scream, "just pick her up, already!!!"

As far as avoiding it, we don't. Unless the boys specifically asked I don't try to purposely avoid mainstream behavior. For us, is has certainly brought on a lot of conversation about behavior, how to treat others, how they want to be treated, etc. etc. etc.

[Kiersten]

My SIL tried to lie to my kids once and said that if they didn't go to bed on time, they wouldn't grow because you grow while you are sleeping. I called her on it (unfortunately in front of her kids who have probably heard the same "logic") and told my kids strongly that their bodies are growing all the time and that it simply wasn't true. My SIL laughed and told me that white lies make things easier...and asked when was I going to figure that out.

[Otto]

That's horrible! Did you say anything to the kid or the mom?

[JennyStar]

We were at the playground the other day and actually watched to grown women get into a physical altercation with one woman clearly lying about her actions. It was very scary. I can honestly say, I've never experienced that before.

A girl about 6 was pouring small amounts of water down 2 of the 4 slides in the park. The mom became aware of it happening and asked her not to, but the girl did it again anyway. Another mom walked up the that little girl and started yelling at her, called her a little brat and threw water in her face. Margaux and I happened to be spectators of this event.

When the mom of the 6 yr old realized what was happening she came straight over and confronted the other woman and said something like "how would you like it if someone came over and threw water in your face like this...(throws water in woman's face)", "How dare you talk to a little kid in that way, I'm her mother, that is my daughter that you are yelling at, what's wrong with you, are you a crazy person?!" The other woman started pulling the mom's hair and was swinging punches at her and telling her that she hadn't thrown water at the little girl but had poured it on the ground in front of her.

I know that's an extreme example, but it actually happened! It was insane, I couldn't believe that Margaux and I were actually witnessing an adult fight in a playground over water at a playground with water features in the hot summer!

While we weren't exactly thrilled at getting our butts wet on the slides, it was afterall just a little water. The little girl was actually a pretty nice kid who we'd had contact with briefly when she asked politely for a turn on the special swing, and then apologized when she changed her mind.

I'd been running that scenario in my head thinking how I would've reacted to such an occurance. The biggest difference, is that I probably would have completely sidelined the woman and gone straight away to my daughter to see if she was okay, and only then would I have said anything to the other woman, probably to tell her to please not speak to my daughter in that manner, and to control her temper around children in the playground. If she had persisted, I would've called the police.

There was another little girl in the same area that had seen the whole thing too, she was about 4 and clearly stock still petrified. Margaux and I went over to her to talk to her and calm her down and see if she was okay. We talked about how scary it was to see adults fighting and someone yelling at a kid. Then she went on her merry way. Almost everyone but that crazy woman left the park at the same time. Margaux and I did. I didn't want any altercations with a crazed woman who may do harm to my child. It was better to leave than confront her or chance an incident.