Failure

[Sandra Dodd]

I found a quote I thought would be worth bringing to new unschoolers:

"Isn't it scary that many school-age children associate learning with fear of failure..."

It's from an article by a mom in Australia and it's here: http://knol.google.com/k/danielle-neale/natural-learning/2uowrjkg1y... Her page there is fine, but that one line struck me and stuck with me.

Not to get into school a lot, just that one point: School *creates* failures. It must do so. If some kids don't fail, then how can others "succeed"? If some kids don't "get bad grades" then "good grades" are worth nothing.

So if you're still wondering whether school might have something your kids need, put that on the list of things your kids do NOT need.

With unschooling is there still the potential for failure? Failure to do what? In a rich, supportive, optimistic environment, a child cannot fail to learn. There's a possibility that parents will fail to provide a rich, supportive, optimistic environment, but if you're reading this, you're surrounded by people who can help you do that!!

Just in case you're afraid of failure, here's a checklist of things to avoid:
How to Screw Up Unschooling, to which two dozen experienced parents contributed.

You can do this! Choose smiles over frowns and optimism over pessimism and watch your lives blossom.

[Ren]

My older boys used to joke that "you are made of fail" when someone goofed up....to which I would wince upon hearing.
They just don't have the baggage attached to the word that I do!! Good.

[Sandra Dodd]

Very cool.

[Karen Rak]

Thanks for this list Sandra. I have been failing in providing a rich environment. It would be easy to blame in on ________(fill in the blank) which I have done. Time for me to stop. I've been making suggestions (want to go to x, if Kaz says no then I'll regroup and try again another time). Most of the time it's no. He's really into Xbox live and enjoying it. I've suggested going to a gaming center close by. I'll try again another day.Any suggestions on how I can bring "it" to him. He has told me he's not into going a lot of places. I've brought some new Xbox games into the house, some gaming movies, gaming guides and books. Any suggestions would be welcomed.

[Sandra Dodd]

If you told him you'd like to get out and asked him for ideas about where you could go (museums, movie, lunch, mall, watch construction...?) then you could plan it a day or two or a week in advance and it would be a done deal.

I think some parents wait until the day of a thing and ask in a half negative way. I'm not saying you're doing that, but if you are, notice how it goes and how you word your invitation. If I said "Is there a day next week we could go to the museum to see the computer exhibit?" that might work better than if I wait until next Tuesday and say "We never do anything. Do you want to go to the museum in half an hour?" or if I say "Would you rather go to the museum with me or stay here and play games?" There are lots of times I'd rather play games than go to a museum myself, but in fact next week I AM going to the museum, and I know it now, and I'm excited about it.

Even someone who's not into going a lot of places could do his mom a favor and go somewhere once a week or so, and maybe doing his mom a favor would turn into a tradition, a habit, a desire to do another thing sooner that he might've. Or not. But it's worth a try.

Maybe photography could be a good excuse for going to a certain place at a certain time. Being in a good place to get full light, or sunset, or early frost, y'know.... I don't know where you are or what you like. That's a draw for us, sometimes--photo opportunities.

[Karen Rak]

Thanks. Yes, often I've been bringing it to him too last minute. I'll give it a try. Also, I'll try the photography opportunities, as Kaz has recently asked for and received a new camera..

[M Lewis]

I wrote a response, and in reading it doesn't seem to be associated with this thread, but it was born from thoughts about pessimism and failure and coping with those feelings:

My children have less of a need for social interaction than I do. Especially my son. It's easy when kids have similar interests or personalities as the parent, not so much when they don't. That's probably the hardest concept that I grapple with, because if I sense that one of my children NEED something, I'm often correct there, but I tend to want to fill that need with something that makes sense to ME. It would be easy for me to get discouraged or feel that I'm failing, but I remind myself of a few important things:
1. I might not always understand what makes them tick, but THEY have had time and space to figure a lot of it out. They are SO much more in tune with who they are than I was as a kid!
2. They don't need me to "fix things" for them. They need me to listen. And if I can shut my mouth enough while being there enough that they can put voice to where they are in their journey, they have an incredible sense of what they need. Then I can help as my help is required.
3. What they need might seem very foreign to me, but it's their journey, not mine.

How difficult it would be for my son Connor to live in a world where he was pushed to "make friends" or "get out of his shell" more. How easy it would be for me to do that pushing! I know he'd be happier!! How great it is that he can tell me what he DOES need: to tell me with excitement about something that has struck him as funny. He says I don't have to necessarily pay attention! So long as I laugh, and say "uh huh" every once in a while in appropriate pauses. So I listen to stories where the punch line makes no sense to me because I don't know the characters the way he does, and I laugh and act like I get it because that's what he's asked me to do. It seems strange to me but I can tell Connor really appreciates it. And as I honor this way that is his, I see him grow. To blossom! To push from within to places I hadn't even dreamed of.

[Kara]

As Ren said up thread, when dd thinks she has "failed," it's connected to a specific activity. She doesn't consider herself a complete and utter failure. We talk about how not everyone can be "great" at every task or activity but it's still fun to do that activity.