I just can't talk to local homeschoolers anymore!

[Silvia]

Especially after returning from the L&L conference, I feel so totally different from them, even my closer friends. They are supportive of what I'm doing, but not doing things like we are. And today we were at an event at a playground to make a group ticket purchase for local theater shows, and I listened to one mom discuss problems, tv watching, how she can't fight her son everyday for the little bit of work she wanted him to do, etc. I just don't know what to say anymore. I could point out how things could be different, but I know she doesn't want to hear it. I'm feeling even more different than I already did. Help! I'm sure I'm not alone, and that's why this network has grown so quickly. There are no radical unschoolers near me, that I've found--maybe there's one family an hour from us, I'm going to check into that. But I just find myself sitting and not saying anything. I can't be part of conversations anymore. We've only been on the RU path for a year, and this conference really pushed me over the RU edge. :) But now I'm afraid I'll stop making connections with local hs'ers. And like Robyn wrote in her blog, I don't make friends very easily, I so related to her post. Is it me? Is it my kids? Doubts creep in and I just want someone to move nearby so I am not alone. Thanks for letting me vent. And please feel free to comment. :)

[Melissa]

I'm so fortunate in that there are several unschooling groups in our area...but I was attending a local homeschool mom's night because it was Thursday evenings and convenient. I finally decided that no matter how much I like the ladies, I canNOT spend time with them because it invariably turns back to how to manipulate your children into learning, which curricula or programs will best prepare your child, etc. It was eating my soul and making me doubt our happy shininess.
It wasn't even them, they were totally accepting of our unschooling, and would ask how I would handle this or that, but the incidental mental infiltration was too dangerous to our journey.

[Laura]

Piggy-backing on what the other Laura said, I find that giving advice *always* changes the relationship. And I, too, am talking even about solicited advice. Since the information I have to share is so contradictory to what they're already doing (or want to be doing), any input from me is taken as overt criticism, even if it's not. That doesn't leave me with very many attractive options, then. Keep quiet, or chime in and risk damaging the relationship.

The question then is how important the relationship is. I have many amazing friendships with people who don't even homeschool, much less unschool. But they are warm, nurturing, creative, insightful, and open parents, and they have amazing relationships with their children. We tend to agree on more than we disagree, and I'm oh-so-lucky to have found some of these women! But with others... if we have a nice playdate sort of relationship, where the kids enjoy each other's company and I don't rely on them for deep things (like discussing marriage or parenting philosophies), then I just let things slide. If it's in our best interest to maintain the friendship, I know how to offer support without condoning certain behaviors. "Wow, that sounds hard. I hope things get better." blah blah blah

What I learned a while ago was to calculate my energy output vs energy input. There are some women with whom I enjoy great humor, or similar political fervor, or common hobbies - and I don't expect the relationship to feed me on other levels. I "file" them into a certain category and tend to keep our interaction on that plane and that plane only. Then it doesn't matter so much if our parenting styles are different if we're only going to anti-war rallies together. But if someone drains me of more energy than what I receive from the relationship, I seriously consider getting out of that relationship. And it happens. And I'm usually the 'offender' - I'm the one who sees that it's not going in a good direction and begin limiting contact. And I'm ok with assuming that responsibility, because I like to think that were they able to analyze it and dissect it mindfully and intuitively, they'd come to the same conclusion.

Probably the majority of our interactions are with school people, but we have fantastic times together. We found most of them through food co-ops, our UU church, and other hobbies like the peace & justice group I formed, La Leche, etc.

Oh and another funny thing - I used to throw a wide net (as I like to put it). I'm an extrovert and I just needed people - any people! Now I'm far more selective only because I don't have time to nurture any more relationships unless they're *really great* and fulfilling. So now I toss out that we're unschoolers right away, and that weeds out a lot of homeschoolers. Preferrably within the first few introductory sentences, I can be heard saying "Well, since we're unschoolers, we're pretty flexible" or some such. The looks on their faces give me a lot of information! Alleviates the need to go on too many 'dates.' LOL

[Kimberly Slage]

I can totally relate to everything you have written. I too have a group of homeschoolers around me, they call themselves unschoolers yet they inforce such control and power trips on there kids that they have just driven me away from the group. Some of them are radical christians too yet when one Mom is away they attack them but infront of thier faces they act like they just love them. It makes me nutts. So, we are much better now that we have disconnected ourselves from this group. Hang in there and who knows maybe you and your kids are just going to be the super nice and loving radical unschoolers that you sound like you already have become:)

[Jane B]

The contrast between an environment of like minded people and the one we are trying to patch together back home is stark right now isn't it? I think I got out of the habit of searching for common ground so quickly! Yet with my friendships back home, there is a different kind of familiarity and relationship. I still value that; I think maybe I am just needing some time to readjust.

Sometimes I try to understand what their underlying needs/feelings are. When I can say "are you wishing there was a simple answer?" or "wouldn't a one size fits all be nice?" etc., I seem to retain a sense of connection that doesn't distance us. Really, the choices I've made do often leave me feeling stressed and wishing for more ease; and even if I can see through that, I still can relate to it. And then maybe assume that them feeling heard will only be good for them and their kids.

Its a really similar concept to seeing the underlying force behind a child's "behavior".

Though I do agree it can sometimes be a lot more difficult to accept with casual friends.