RU explained in depth with strangers/family or not?

[Michele James-Parham]

Do you find that it is better or not to explain RU to strangers/family if they ask questions that make for hard answers without explaining in RU terms?

I know that we just left Rue Kream's book and Freedom Challenge with my in-laws. We have had several conversations with them about homeschooling in general and why it's better for us and their grandchild[ren] and haven't really even touched on Unschooling, let alone Radical Unschooling!

When strangers or new acquaintances ask about whether or not we homeschool, I just say, "yes". If they ask anything further, I usually reply that, "we live life as though there is no such thing as school".

[Arp]

Interestingly, lots of family/friends don't really ask. With strangers it's rare for someone to inquire further after saying we homeschool. Could be because that comes out after someone says to my son You must be in school and he refuses to answer. Even if I go out of my way to explain unschooling, I tend to get a nod & a smile at best.

Two months ago I explained it separately to both my parents. It totally went over my mom's head while my dad understood it very clearly. Neither are negative about it. The rest of the family doesn't inquire too deeply.

[Kelly Nishan]

I talked to my mom about it when we started mostly because we live together. She was apprehensive but trusted me enough to go along with my decision. Now a year and a half later she can see that it was the best decision for Liz. She went with me to the Northeast Unschooling conference in May. Afer that she did look at Parenting a Free Child. She still thinks the whole thing is weird but she supports me anyway.

When Liz's dad came back into her life a year ago at first I only told him I was homeschooling. Eventually I explained unschooling. I tried to encourage him to be a part of her life but he pretty violently opposed to our whole life style. Right now he has no relationship with her. He thinks I'm ruining her life but hasn't followed through on his threat to do anything about it and I doubt he will.

For me it took a long time to be comfortable enough with unschooling and the vocabulary to talk about it freely. Liz was comfortable a lot faster than I was talking about it with her friends. Now she freely identifies herself as an unschooler. I still usually use the term homeschool with people I don't know well but I'm more comfortable talking about it with closer friends.

[Heather Greek]

Once, I was talking with my mother about our homeschool choice and I mentioned Lukas can learn what he wants. My mother scowled and said "He can't do that!" So,no, I don't talk with her for alot of reasons. She still thinks i am going to jail for 30 days because i am not a certified teacher and that is what someone told her i must be too homeschool my child. Everything i say to her has or had to be confirmed by someone else for her to believe me.
With strangers it just depends. I usually say we homeschool unless they are interested in knowing what kind of homeschooling. Once someone asked Lukas what grade he was in and he didn't answer but i said:we don't do school. Many different answers depending on the tone.

[Heather]

I have tried to explain unschooling to both my parents. They tried, bless their hearts, but I still get so much of that "There are some things that kids HAVE TO learn whether they like it or not."

I want to ask them, "What do you HAVE TO do, as an adult?" And anything they answer with, I can say, "You don't have to do that. If you don't, there might be consequences, but you don't HAVE TO do anything." The thought of the consequences sort of outweigh the not doing of things, sometimes. Why should that be any different for children?

Preaching to the crowd, I know :D

As far as RU... Jeez. They can't comprehend unschooling, I doubt they'd comprehend *radical* unschooling. I try to model the way I want my kids to be treated.

Alas, though, I'm still so so far away from calling myself an RUer and not feeling like a phony, but at least I'm striving for it.

Strangers... no no no. They turn hostile the minute I mention the word "homeschooling" and the concept of RU is so crazy to them they can't possibly comprehend why someone would do that to their child. *ETA*: Unless they are genuinely interested and are wanting to know how to start, and I can tell that they need someone to point them down the right path.

[Sylvia Toyama]

I don't talk about unschooling to strangers. I just say 'we homeschool.' If someone follows up with 'isn't that a lot of work?' or something like that, I just answer with how much I enjoy the time I spend with our children, and change the subject if I can.

My Dad has never heard the word unschooling, and there's no need to tell him. He knows we homeschool and he trusts that I'll do 'the right thing' by our kids. For our relationship, that's enough. My Mom and I no longer speak (the estrangement wasn't about unschooling)-- she has no real problems with unschooling as an academic construct, it's my parenting style overall that she had trouble with. My sister knows, and thinks she understands unschooling, but she really doesn't. She does homeschool her daughter; her son returned to high school last year so he can play football. My brother disagrees, but then he and I disagree about most everything.

We finally talked unschooling with dh's parents last September after they visited us for a week. They had several politely asked questions, which we answered honestly and openly. They've known we homeschool, of course, and that our entire lifestyle is very different from theirs, but aren't the kind to pry in our choices. Ultimately, they said that while unschooling isn't a choice they'd make, it's clear that we've given it a lot of thought and feel we're making the best choice for our family. That's good enough for them.

I find that now that we've talked about unschooling, I'm much more comfortable sharing bits of our everyday lives with them. I no longer feel a need to make things look 'educational' or schooly. One thing that has made it easier for us, too, is that our kids' doctor has twice offered that homeschooling is the best thing we could do for Andy. I've mentioned this to my Mom-in-law --she holds doctors about half a notch below God in importance, so a doc's comment about homeschooling goes a long way.

Friends... well, at this point in time, all our friends are unschoolers, so it's a non-issue. Our neighbors know we homeschool, and it's a non-issue, so we've never discussed the details with them.

[Ren]

My sister is also an RU parent (she just joined so maybe she'll chime in) and she got the whole "oh, that is SO good" when her oldest chose to attend school last year. That was more annoying to her than the homeschool questions I think!:)

The Grandparents seemed especially relieved that one of her children was going to school. Alas, none of the other's followed his lead so they'll just have to be disappointed again.

[Melissa]

I don't explain myself to anyone ;-) I don't owe them an explanation, and trying to explain tends to undermine my children.

If someone asks where the kids go to school, or something similar, I'll say we homeschool and let them make their assumptions. If a homeschooler asks me what curriculum we use, I say we don't use one, and let them make their assumptions. My mom doesn't need anything besides "They are doing better than their age mates." That keeps her happy, and is technically true. All around they are happier and more open to learning than most of their peers.

[Heidi Snavley]

*My sister is also an RU parent (she just joined so maybe she'll chime in) and she got the whole "oh, that is SO good" when her oldest chose to attend school last year. That was more annoying to her than the homeschool questions I think!:)*

I'm here and chiming in, lol! Uhhh, ya, the whole, "Oh, that is SO good he is going to school." thing annoyed the hell out of me! My grandma wrote me and thought it was so good that my children were finally seeing the need for more education. AAaarrgghhh!! It had nothing to do with his education!

I preach to anyone who stands next to me for more than two seconds and listens:) If you ask me if I homeschool you are going to hear exactly how we live. I can't tell you how many people have said, "That is so AWESOME!! What a wonderful gift you are giving to your children." There are always those that think I'm a freak but they are actually few and far between. The ones that have been the most understanding are former teachers, interesting huh?

The other interesting thing is the friends I have with teenagers who are having an AWFUL time and I'm having so much fun with my teens! They can see it is because of how we have parented and lived our lives but the excuse is, "Well, you've raised them that way from the get-go but to try to live that way when she/he is now 16 wouldn't work so well."

I am soooooo thankful for our lives and I always talk to people so excitedly about it, as if it is the only way to live because we live such JOYFUL lives!! Not that we haven't had our share of issues, such as SEVERE sibling rivalry but it is how we choose to work through it and come back to that peaceful place. UNSCHOOLING ROCKS!!! And everyone else is just going to have to deal! I figure it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks because it's not their life!

But I'm going to spread the gospel!! I think I've helped changed a lot of people's lives so that is worth it! Even if I help one more parent enjoy their children and begin to let go and parent more peacefully.

[Michele James-Parham]

I just wanted to chime in and say a quick 'thank you' to everyone who has shared their ideas and thoughts on this matter.

[Kim S.]

The majority of my kids' friends are in school. When their parents question me about what we do, I get the same old questions you all have probably heard a million times: How much time do you study every day? What kind of curriculum do you use? How do you know if your kids are on target? And on, and on it goes. I have found that it's best to just get more vague, as it seems to totally baffle most people when I answer completely and honestly. I've found that other homeschoolers often don't really "get" unschooling. It may be a leap of faith, but if you can't have faith in your kids and yourself, who can you have faith in?? So, in general, I just tell people that we homeschool. Most people don't ask anything further. I find that older people are more supportive of the idea, whereas people my age are still too ingrained with idea that the only way you can learn is by having someone teach you ... and the only people who can determine what you must learn are in the school system. How sad!

[Meredith]

I just say "homeschool" to strangers.
Family, I cheat - I put it all in my blog. If they want to know, they can wade through stories of kittens and gardening and my new hair color. Some do - George's mom is an avid reader of my blog and is always excited to know anything at all about her grandkids. She's seen and heard enough of the saga of Ray's life that anything that involves happy grandchildren is fine with her. My dad is still fairly mystified, but has a lot of respect for me - so he trusts that I'm not dragging my poor kids into some wacko cult and that's enough for him. Interestingly, his sister has had the most positive (and most surprising) response to our unschooling. She's a longtime special ed teacher and her husband a teacher turned school administrator, so I absolutely dreaded their reaction. Last time we visited, though, the first thing out of their mouths was "Unschooling, thank God! We were afraid you'd become one of those terrible homeschoolers who uses worksheets!" They were both starry-eyed proponents of open classrooms back in the day and are thrilled to discover that the visions of John Holt have blossomed into an exciting underground educational movement.

[M Lewis]

While I am also one of the "we homeschool" crowd at first go-round, I find that I look for the first opportunity to expound a bit, and will throw "radical unschooler" out there pretty easily, hoping for more questions to be asked. It helps that I have such fabulous older children. After speaking with Aiden and Connor, what are they gonna say: "it doesn't work!"??? I just spent a couple days at the home of two Nevada school teachers that didn't know me from Adam. The man was SO impressed with Aiden. THey talked history and he gave her a bunch of really cool old books. Some over a hundred years old. Not that that makes them better books, but Aiden really likes the way they look on her shelf!LOL She's reading them too, though. Anyway, this guy has been increased to 3 subjects this year and one of them is math. He was very interested and open to my unschoolish ideas about math. DIdn't even bat an eye when I said that we don't do math curriculum. And while he'll still be teaching math (sigh), he's going to try and incorporate a lot of my suggestions in his classroom. So maybe by being open about radical unschooling I've helped eased some pain and anxiety for some child in Nevada. And that makes me happy.