Newbie Issues

[Molly Brown]

Hi, my name is Molly. I am new to everything unschooled. My sister unschools and so I have been watching her and learning for a few years. Just recently (after the CA homeschool conference in August) I feel like I have been putting my beliefs into practice.

It's been challenging. I am an American living in Ecuador with an Ecuadorian husband and two bicultural daughters. NOONE here has ever even heard of homeschooling, let alone unschooling. I feel pretty isolated in my experience. That's why I'm trying to reach out online (we live out in the country, although I'm determined to find a family or two in Quito, the closest city) so I can stay connected to my beliefs and learn from other's experiences.

For about a month now I have consciously released all limits formerly imposed on my children, thanks to reading up on the unschooler's discussion list (I'm still too intimidated to post there). So, the girls have been in heaven, eating chocolate for dinner and watching videos (we don't have TV channels) at all hours of the day.

I am very aware of how much I want to control what they eat. The TV has been easier to let go of. I haven't put limits or tried to control other areas like bathing, cleaning up since the beginning, so that feels easy. But the food thing still gets me. I find I get irritated when I am preparing a delicious meal and they choose Nutella by the spoonful (I used to keep it on the high shelf, now it's mixed in with the rest of the food on the middle shelf). I'm confused about my own personal limits (getting up to fix them something else during dinner instead of what we're having). They are 3 and 5, so sort of the verge of being able to do certain things for themselves. Sometimes I just day "this is what I have prepared, if you don't want to eat it, please get yourself something else." It seems fair that I have a limit on what I am willing to do in the kitchen (I won't prepare 3 different dinners) but I also want to empower them to find something themselves if they're not interested.

Can someone please respond about their experience with the "transition period" that happens when you decide to take away limits and controls after loosly controlling in the past? Especially regarding food and TV?

Also, my husband is on board with me at times and at times no. A lot of times I think it's when it's convenient for him. So it's hard to watch him fight with the girls about how much salt to put on their eggs, when he just let them put as much sugar in their tea as they wanted. I think the best thing is to keep my mouth shut (it doesn't go well when I put in my two cents) and let him see what happens when his kids challenge him. They're only 3 and 5 but have fully understood and embraced the limitlessness that has happened in the last month and they call him on it often. And then they look at me for validation (right, mom?) and I'm caught in the middle. I totally agree with my kids (of course they can have as much salt as they want) but don't want to side against my husband. It creates a lot of tension and not good for trying to work together. It happens often and I would love to hear what other people do in these situations.

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-They're only 3 and 5 but have fully understood and embraced the limitlessness that has happened in the last month and they call him on it often. And then they look at me for validation (right, mom?) and I'm caught in the middle.-=-

I wish you had found the advice to just say yes lots and lots instead of suddenly changing all expectations. It would have created a world of joy instead of a season of confusion and tension.

When you're advising other unschoolers in the future, please ask them to say "okay" and "Sure" and "Let's try it" several times a day instead of "All rules are gone!" one confusing time.

There are many stories here by unschoolers over the past several years:
http://sandradodd.com/tv
http://sandradodd.com/food
http://sandradodd.com/yes

[Joyce Fetteroll]

I think it will help lots to let go of the idea of dinner time as a time for the kids to eat a meal. It can, instead, be a time to make attractive for kids to socialize with dad and mom. Allow them to choose not to come, but make it drawing enough that they'd want to come :-) Do offer small portions of what you have so it's available for trying but also have dessert for them then or something else you know they enjoy. Or they can bring games and crafts.

Rather than in essence training them to not listen to their hunger and wait until a meal, have healthy snacks throughout the day.

It sounds like they may be grabbing the Nutella because it's calorie dense, tastes good and it's easy for them. Kids do need calories, more than adults suspect. And since their stomachs are small, and since they often don't want to interrupt fun stuff to do something boring like eat ;-), they tend to go for calorie dense foods that are quick and easy. Bring food to them that you've prepared when you think they might be hungry. Make other calorie and nutrition dense foods that are fast and easy for them to grab on their own. Cookies, sweet breads, cut up fruit. But also vegetables and dips. Crackers and cheese. Sandra has a page on what are called monkey platters that might help you think about food in new ways. Eventually I'd move the Nutella up so it's not grabbed just because it's quick and easy and is gotten because that's specifically what they want.

[Valerie]

Change can feel exhilarating and uneasy at the same time. My husband recently brought up the subject of cooperation. He said it was difficult to do so when he didn't even fully know what it is he wants/who he is. I mean he does and he doesn't. He has had a harder time realizing his true self. I know that may sound kooky, but... when you've been controlled your whole life, even substituting your career for your family life (prior to us) and not even seeing it or questioning it...or maybe just ignoring it....that's harsh. When your power is taken away, you want that power and may even exert it over others.

That's why it's so important to value the child, now and always. Trust.

I used to be afraid to challenge my husband for fear he may leave me or be really upset with me. We didn't really split in thought/action until unschooling. Sometimes I am the middle man/peace keeper. We have all been growing and changing. There is no end place of perfection. We all have room to grow.

I cook for 7 people and having cooked for a community I know it's impossible to make everyone happy all the time. Options are valuable. I know who likes onions and who doesn't like potatoes and when someone will crave chocolate and what to have as an alternative. Do you include the kids in the decision making? Do they help you pick out groceries and give you ideas for meals? I assure you they won't always pick gummy bears for dinner.

Be prepared to be surprised! It's nice to have a plan and be able to move forward when that plan changes on you.

[Molly Brown]

Thank you Valerie for your response. Especially regarding your experience with your husband. I am realizing that is what I was hoping to get comments on more than anything.

I want unschooling to unite us as a family, not divide us. I'm learning to not fear challenging my husband as well (I'm the people pleaser, I've always made people feel good, not uncomfortable by questioning deep-rooted beliefs). But what I'm realizing is that there is a time to speak up and a time to be quiet. When we (or him and the kids) are in the middle of a power struggle, that is not the moment to bring up parenting issues. It's the down time afterward when we are both open to new ideas where we can connect and work on growing harmoniously... now if we could just get some of that alone time!

Anyway, more comments on others' experiences with their spouses surrounding unschooling/parenting/life issues are welcome!

[Sharon Wallace]

Hi Molly,

I'm Sharon, an unschooling mom in Costa Rica. We visited Quito a few years ago, and loved it...stayed at the Hostal Los Alpes...the MOST funny place, and got some great stories from the visit.

We've been unschooling for a long time, and don't much disagree with each other about it, but one thing that worked for me on a few issues was to ask my husband to find me information on whatever the discussion might have involved. One I remember from "back when" was whether or not expecting the kids to do household chores would result in their being "tidier" or more responsible as adults. It was Dick's feeling that it would. When I asked for information about it, he couldn't find any to support his feeling, so we agreed that with no compelling reason to assign work in the home, we'd just ask for help and accept it graciously if it materialized. Sometimes it did, and sometimes it didn't. It's been quite a while since then, and we're all relaxed with what evolved...help that, when offered, is always welcome but not coerced.
Don't forget that we'll be having the Pura Vida Unschooling Conference (big title, small group for a conference) at the end of November, early December...in Costa Rica! Maybe you could make that trip? http://mysite.verizon.net/reszxig2/

Un abrazo,

Sharon

[Meredith]

I found that unschooling started to feel more like a uniting factor when I started treating my partner with the same sort of regard I did my kids. If I was brushing his concerns aside and riding my agenda over the top of him, he certainly reacted alot like a kid being told No!

So I learned to listen to his "but what about?" and "they need to learn" and hear a confused, concerned person who wanted, most of all, to be a good dad. Even if he didn't always know how to do that. I learned to let him know that I appreciated him, and everything he did for the family, often and sincerely. I learned to set him up for success when I could, by making sure he had nice snacks and back rubs and cuddles (and sex!) so that he could be his best self. I learned to not hold him to a higher standard than my own imperfect parenting self. I learned to share my own learning process and mistakes and bring him into the family more, rather than shutting him out as inadequate.

That's not to say that I don't step in sometimes when things are going south between George and one of the kids - but nowadays he's as likely to do that for me. We talked about that, at one point. Neither one of us wants to be an ogre, so if I can step in and save him from that (or he, me) I will. And since we've talked about it we can be grateful for the help, rather than resentful about "being shown up".

[Valerie]

When we start to feel stress people often react with frustration and anger. It makes it harder to see a solution or another point of view. One of our most calming activities is walking. I know it may be hard to find alone time right now, but try a family walk. It gets the blood flowing and opens the airways. Drink lots of water... Three important things for healthy brain function. Pay attention to patterns of when you all get frustrated. This has helped us.

We are navigating through some issues right now...calming walks and drives through the countryside...crisp, cool air and a changing season :)

[Valerie]

My husband isn't as interested in some of the research as I am. I do a lot of the educational, health and brain stuff. That's good because he looks into so many things that don't really excite me. We come together and share it...whole, mindful, unschooling... a beautiful partnership.