"It's only a game."

[Sandra Dodd]

In a comment on another topic ( http://familyrun.ning.com/forum/topic/show?id=2184370%3ATopic%3A397... , but that's not important), Katherine talked about something being "only a game." In some of its context:

I also think many games involve some fight/flight reactions, so some of the behavior surrounding games might be related to real life in that way. The same reaction may come up with being pushed to relinquish the game controls. Or raised voices or insistence about hurrying up. The 12 year's reactions aren't weird or unusual, nor would they not show up anyplace else in life, and this is actually a good opportunity to learn skills and principles in relation to those things (and of course the more clarity the better the understanding of why and how to react differently).

It's possible that one could expect the player to turn off natural reactions since, to the observer, maybe it's only a game. That's another thing that could be mentioned when or if it seems appropriate to. (Yet another point of information sharing that lends more clarity to the whys and hows of reacting to reactions.)

I hesitated about whether to post it here or in "general." It's not just about unschooling, but it's heavily philosophical...

I'd like a swirly brainstorm on "only a game"—any game, any only.

[Robin B.]

I don’t know if this is what you had in mind, Sandra, philosophically-speaking, but I’ll take a stab at it.

When I think of many of Michelle’s pursuits (computer games, MMORPG, Wii), they all tend to inform her daily life in some way. She loves animals: Zoo Tycoon in all its versions was a hit; Impossible Creatures (real-time strategy) was also; Pokemon are mostly based on animal models; in World of Warcraft, her main character is a beast mastery hunter (who is all about the pets). She is often an animal herself, or a character from a game, or is crafting animals from clay and naming them after characters in her games.

If I looked at them as “only games,” I would be negating not only her passion, but the learning she’s been doing from the moment she discovered how they fed her heart and mind.

I’ll take World of Warcraft a bit farther:

If I viewed it as “only a game” I would miss the triumphs and the tragedies that she experiences because she wouldn’t both telling me about them. If I saw it as "only a game", we wouldn’t have great conversations about the strategies and what she knows about the game play, the pets, the classes, the races, the lore (she knows a lot – she could be a statistics major!). I wouldn’t see how her typing skills, her writing skills and her reading comprehension (of not just “regular” words, but cyber acronyms, game-specific words and contractions, words people use to communicate well) have increased.

If I viewed it as “only a game,” we wouldn’t have made the kind of family connections we have with other gaming unschoolers in the U.K., California, Washington and B.C. Michelle wouldn’t have co-hosted a WoW funshop at the Life is Good conference and we wouldn’t have made WoW food for it (from an online cookbook I found). We wouldn’t have decorated the room with WoW art cards, that we purchased because of her love for the artists’ renderings.

I wouldn’t have started playing with her on WoW, if I thought it was “only a game”, nor would I have worked for weeks on a costume or made the trip to Blizzcon happen (and a visit with new friends we met at LiG). It was a terrific experience for the two of us and I would do it again in a heartbeat, just to see her bask in the attention that her costume brought her. We had some serious bonding time as mother and daughter, there. Together, we rocked out to the Level 80 Tauren Chieftains (the Blizzard metal band) and listened raptly to the symphony, choir and renaissance musicians who play the in-game music.

I take it seriously, because she does. It’s serious fun and she’s learning a lot about how people operate in a fantasy world (sometimes the same as irl, sometimes a lot different) and has now met some of them in the real, physical world. If I looked at this as “only a game”, I would miss daily connections with her that show me who she is becoming.

[Bonnie]

I wrote something in the other thread about video games and determination, but that thread is huge and messy now and it's lost in the swirl (as are many good posts from others) so I'll repost it here:

-A few weeks ago, I was learning to play a particular song on the guitar, and was trying to memorize it bit by bit, being able to play for a longer stretch each time without looking at a guide. During that time, I didn't want to be away from my guitar. I wanted to spend as much time working on that song as possible because I was determined to learn to play it all the way through. And at some point I realized this was a familiar feeling. It was the same feeling I get when I'm determined to beat a video game. Video games build confidence that way; a game or level or boss might seem big and scary and hard but games give you permission to "fail" over and over until you finally succeed. Real life doesn't always make it so easy to build determination and confidence that way. After playing a certain number of games I realized they weren't big and scary, that I could beat any game if I worked at it enough. And that helps me in other areas of life. Maybe if I never played all those games, I would see a guitar as big and scary and not think I could memorize a song by trying over and over. Maybe I would see looking for jobs or dating the same way. Nothing teaches "try, try again" quite as fast and as well as video games do. Determination is an extremely important skill, and it's important not to get in the way of its development by seeing it as something to get rid of.-

Rereading it, that "nothing teaches" part bothers me, because of the "teach" and because it's stated as an absolute. (I have no way of knowing if video games are literally the best way to learn that, they're just the best one I know.) But the idea behind it was that video games are one of the easiest, least painful ways to get practice climbing back on the proverbial horse. (Certainly less painful than literally falling off a horse!)

[Sandra Dodd]

I started a reply yesterday, and when I was adding the finishing touches today my browser choked and closed down. I had real emotion about it. I gasped and thought "Am I going to cry?" I wasn't. I walked outside and tried to call Kelli Traaseth. Her old phone number now belongs to a nice-sounding teenaged-apparently boy named Jake. Nice message, but I hung up on poor Jake's message.

Although the "work" we're doing here isn't for money, is it still work? If I write 1400 words here and nobody gives me money, did I still write? (Conversely, if someone gives me $100 to write 1400 words and they never get published, did I communicate?)

I'm writing with real truth and real emotion. Maybe that makes it real. If I could fake that, and people still read it and it made them think, there would be a reality in their response to it (and that a writer had induced their responses to some extent, while their own background and personalities factored in too).

SO... what I think I wrote before was in response to Robin B's writing above, about World of Warcraft.

Holly has a boyfriend named Brett. He's the leader of a longrunning WoW guild. Kirby used to be in it, but he works during the times they raid now, and he had missed so many raids when he first moved that some of them were getting grumpy with him anyway. I think there are 40 people in the group, some local real-life friends, and many scattered out elsewhere and not known for real (back to the problem of what's "real...").

I've heard Brett when he's leading these raids. He speaks quietly and calmly and clearly. On Sunday afternoons he does this for six hours straight, and then there's an officers' meeting afterwards. We take him a couple of meals in that time--things he can eat easily. No talking, just food delivery. He told me that Holly is the first person in his life who didn't shame him about playing video games. (Maybe he meant of female people, and maybe he meant all people, I don't know.)

Brett is prepared for the raids, and then he's conscious and attentive and considerate during them.

Our internet went out about 8:00 on Monday night Brett was in the middle of a smaller raid that was scheduled to last until 9:00. I was in the middle of a post to this forum, but I got up and left it there (luckily, that one was still good to post the next day after I finished it..., but I digress because life changed between this version and the good one I started writing yesterday). Brett got on the phone to the internet provider, and stayed there patiently for half an hour. They finally determined it wasn't just us, but several-to-many others in our area whose internet was down. I was impressed with his patience then, too.

When Kirby still lived at home, he was the one who would call customer service providers, because he had the ability to let them go through their pre-written dialogs without becoming impatient (which I can't easily do). In past years, I saw Kirby teach karate very gently and patiently to young children. I saw him teach games a few times, and run gaming tournaments (Pokemon, Magic, L5R, etc.) with a kind of trancendent calm and organization.

I think they're all related, the skills learned from playing group games and the ability to organize people in real time and in a limited space.
(to be continued, because I'm afraid to go to long, or to lose this a second time)

[Sandra Dodd]

continued
I could think Brett and Kirby might just have things in their personalities that make them calm. I know most about Kirby's childhood and some about Brett's, and I know Brett has had obstacles, and Kirby was a controller-throwing, tantrum-having hot-headed little video-gaming boy when he was 8, 9, 11 years old. For whatever reasons, though, they're both able to be clear and focussed and part of why I know that is I've seen and heard them in stressful situations, when they were speaking to people they couldn't see, and some of whom they didn't know.

The Traaseths stayed at our house a couple of years ago and Kelli wrote something very sweet afterwards:

I've been meaning to write to you and Kirby about Alec and his playing of World of Warcraft. I really wanted to thank Kirby for letting him (and Abbi too) hang with him in his room while he was playing WoW. Its had some amazing ripples in our house lately.

Before Albuquerque, Alec was pretty hesitant to join the high end instances. I think he always felt weird that he was younger than others and had a few bad experiences with other players, so he was a bit gunshy. I tried to tell him that there were probably some other people out there too who are nice and helpful but he wasn't willing to risk it. He still loved the game but his highest character kind of stalled out because in order to advance in the game he really needed to do those high end instances that you group with others to do,, and he wasn't willing to do that. Then we went to your house. :)

Kirby was doing those huge group instances and we all sat in amazement. The organization, coordination and patience it took for those instances to be successful is astounding. Trying to organize even 5 different people, (smaller groupings) let alone 20 or 40 people. wow! Alec learned some really cool add ons from Kirby that helps with lots of people being in a group. And this is my observation,, but I really think Alec seeing Kirby do these amazing group instances gave him the confidence to start grouping with other players.

Since coming home he has a renewed excitement about his hunter (this was his highest character). Yesterday he got to level 60 and did his first 10 man grouping. He was so excited.

Soo,,, just wanted to share the excitement and say thank you Kirby for your generous spirit and the enthusiasm that you show in your life. :)

Two years have passed. That was October 2006. Kirby works for Blizzard Entertainment. Alec is very involved in WoW, and his sisters and his mom play too. I'm still only vaguely aware; I deliver meals and refill drinks sometimes. Kelli often writes about their gaming on her blog.

New Patch on WoW
It's not just Pong anymore

[Robin B.]

I'm going to write more about the topic later, but I just wanted to mention that I write my responses in Word (because they're usually too long and require editing), then cut and paste them into these reply boxes.

[Robin B.]

I had another thought about this. Adults take games like football, hockey, baseball, soccer, car racing, tennis (not to mention video games, board games, etc.) seriously. And they don’t like being told what they are doing is “only a game.”

People who make their living playing games or sports often started with an overwhelming love for the activity. If they become professionals, they are not only entitled by their employers and their fans to take it seriously, they are expected to. Many athletes/game players dedicate their lives and make sacrifices to do what they do.

There are different standards for the worthiness of game-playing, though. It’s common for adults to say to kids “it’s only a game” when the kids are upset about what has happened or if they're determined to win, no matter what.

So, why do people say this to their kids? Is it their distaste for competition? Do they want to protect their children from disappointment if they aren’t “good enough?”

We are less likely to say this to adults, but if we don’t value the activity (like video games), we’re more likely to dismiss the activity and the person who plays, adult or child.

[Sandra Dodd]

Chess is a good example. It is "just a game"? There are magazines, serious-business rankings and tournaments, and chess sets can cost thousands of dollars. There are books galore.

[Robin B.]

When I was thinking of "games" while writing that post, Boris Spassky came to mind!

I knew homeschoolers who were delighted to encourage their kids to play chess, but not video or computer games. Comes back to what is valued by the parents.

Maybe the kids could play on-line chess....

[Kelli Traaseth]

I didn't know this thread was going on. I've been too busy leveling my druid and enjoying the Hallowed's End celebration on WoW to be reading over here ;)

Sandra I'll e-mail you my new numbers after I finish this :)

I had forgotten about the e-mail that you mentioned. It really was wonderful for Alec to see Kirby playing. He does still play and he's very dedicated to it. He'll make sure he's on his computer usually at least a 1/2 hour before the raid begins because he has to get ready. He's not an officer but I know he helps a lot with the raids. We help him to keep his attendance up by being understanding to the importance of this in his life. Right now he raids on 4 nights of the week from 9pm-1am.

We know lots of people who play but are often criticized or shamed for spending the time they do on gaming.

It's really interesting the prejudice that there is against video game playing, I guess it runs into other games too. Maybe it's the whole, if it's fun or feels good it's bad.

It's OK if I want to read the latest best selling book that's come out but I'm told to get a life if I spend the same amount of time on WoW.

I'm going to think about this more. It really is pervasive in our society, I often catch myself feeling a bit shameful if I play what I consider "too long". I don't think of it when my kids are playing but I still feel it in myself. Those feelings must run really deep.

[Candy Cook]

This isn't exactly about a "game," so to speak. But, it is something that my youngest son loves to do. Run. He lives to run.. and run... He runs back and forth down the street. Besides eating, it's his favorite thing to do. I call it, "flying." When I watch him, it looks like he is flying. But, on with the point... in the moment of running, it's not a game or something to pass the time or work or entertainment.. it is him. He IS running.. as in he and the action become one together. What I've noticed is people separating the person from the action and that is when it becomes "only" something. If you don't separate the action from the person... it's not "only" something, it's awesome. It's hard for a person who is engaged in the action they love to separate themselves from it, that's why they don't see it as "only" a game, or "only" something. It's everything.. because it's them.

[Sandra Dodd]

I play a computer game called Jewel Match. It's patterns, lining things up and having them fall. It's more complicated than some, and there are 150 levels with different arrangements.

It's not brain surgery. It's something pretty and repetitive and soothing, and it's fun to get the patterns falling really fast.

For thirty years I've watched Keith do SCA combat. He's fast and good. I've seen him in melees (group on group, which inevitably comes down to one-on-some) and it's like a dance, like art. And recently, for the first time ever, I applied some of what I've watched him do to my own life, in my playing of this game. When I make a move that I know will cause a cascade on one side, I immediately look to the other side, and I might already know what I'm going to move on the other side or I might not yet, but as soon as a cascade starts, I go to the other side without looking back.

That seems small, but it's not. And it's hard to describe, so I don't mind if someone with another analogy in sports or whatever wants to come and help me figure out what this is.

If I have a good idea what's about to happen, there's not any advantage in staying to watch it happen, when I can be doing something else very quickly nearby.

Anyway, I do feel guilty. If I were embroidering or crocheting, I would be praised, and I would have "something to show" for my repetitive pattern time. But as cluttered as my house is, I think it's noble and responsible to make patterns that I don't have to store later!! :-) And I got to thrift stores, and needlework abounds there--hundreds of hours of work for $2, or whatever. The world doesn't need what I would create with thread or yarn (and I'm not including sewing in there, because for me that's different--and I know different people have different "production" abilities in different areas).

But Jill Parmer--we talked about this, and she knits. She makes socks and stuff. And she plays World of Warcraft.

I do music, but "just for fun." I don't like to perform for money or trade/credit, though a friend of ours does and I sometimes get rooked into one of those, but never without whining about it. I lead groups to sing songs that don't need to be sung, just because it's fun to make those intricate patterns in the air. That doesn't "produce" things I need to save. We don't record it. It does require piles of paper music. Clutter. Transportation of people to my house or wherever. Cleaning up before and after. Snacks and drinks. Is it a waste of time and energy because we're not going to perform or record or get paid?

[Sandra Dodd]

Candy that's really beautiful.

I've watched Marty and Brett (Holly's boyfriend) play Rock Band sometimes at length and they're really good. I can feel how deep into the game they are sometimes, not aware of anything but the moves and the music, and it just flows, and the numbers climb and the lights flash, and the music plays. It's hypnotic even for me, not playing.

How easily those spells can be broken and those spirits wounded if someone were to come in and interrupt and be critical.

I remember being little and running for the joy of the speed and the wind, and spinning to see the sky and trees swirl, and riding my bike as fast as I could and coasting down hills, standing on the pedals.