Motivating your child?

[Beth Cugal]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to unschooling this year and I'm interested in the radical unschooling philosophy. I admit, though, that I swing back and forth between excitement and fear. Recently I heard on the radio a man who never finished high school and was sorry for it. He said he wished his parents had put more emphasis on school when he was growing up. I remember feeling the same way when I was in college. I never had good study habits, but managed to get through high school OK. But when I went to college, boy did I struggle. I was annoyed with my mom for not "teaching" me more discipline. Now here I am starting an unschooling journey with my son and I wonder... Am I now going to be guilty of the same thing as my mom? Don't kids need some kind of guidance from their parents? I don't want my son to stumble through life the way I have. How do radical unschoolers react when they see their children just sort of drifting?

Beth

[Ren]

Yeah and that's where it gets sticky.
If I see myself as some guide out in front trying to be the enlightened one, then that breaks down the partnership from the get-go.

If guidance is more about partnering and sharing, not trying to change someone then it can work. I want my dh's guidance when I'm entering uncharted territory (building certain things or other skills he might have that I need help with) . So maybe that's they key, is the guidance wanted or not?

The times it seems to not be wanted, I think in the long-run they do see that I was caring for all parties involved. For example, if Sierra ends up injured that doesn't serve either child well. If I stop something in the moment, while staying open to their feelings and ideas, then in the long run Jalen is actually happier because he doesn't have to live with the idea that he hurt someone. Children WANT us to be a calm center when they're out of tools (I want the same thing when *I* have a "tantrum") and you can stop certain activities all while maintaining a focus on win-win solutions.

It's taken a lot of hindsight and pondering to see that part...but it does work.
I have a problem with parents sitting back and "letting them figure it out for themselves" when the child is obviously needing guidance/help/support etc...!!

[Julie B]

Ren wrote:
> I have a problem with parents sitting back and "letting them figure it out
> for themselves" when the child is obviously needing
> guidance/help/support etc...!!

When I read this, the phrase "heart magnet" popped into my head. There are times when there's no decision--I'm just there being a presence for Dmitri because I couldn't be anywhere else. (Yeah, spoken by the lady with only one kid out of utero.)

Seems like in those moments when I'm not as "there" for Dmitri as I'd like to be (i.e., physically right next to him but withdrawn or automatic), it's because I've lost touch with my own inner guidance, so that keeps my focus on preserving my own connection. If I'm not connected to my self, I can't be connected to or of service to anyone. Taking this back to the post title, it's more about where my own motivation is coming from--connection or fear.

[Melissa]

What do you mean by 'discipline', Kass? it's kind of a hot word, and I know you said 'leading by example', but usually it means to provide a consequence. Just clarifying before I step into the conversation.