9yr old yearning to read

[Balloonatikmama]

Curious to hear stories about other children who are not yet reading but so so so wanting to be able to!

My oldest, 9, Effie, really wants to be able to read chapter books (Dear Canada, American Girl books, etc), and has cousins (out of town) on both sides of the family her same age who school and can read at the level she wishes she could.

We just finished a visit with one, and for Effie it just magnifies her desires to see her cousins able to read and her not. She gets to thinking that if she were in school she would be able to read too, that we are somehow denying her this. She can articulate many reasons she doesn't want to be at school, but this reading thing really has her hung up.

I don't know how to describe it - Effie dislikes almost all direction and is a very private, personal, internal kind of learner. She enjoys sharing after she has figured out what she is working on, but not so much before/during. And she has an extremely low frustration tolerance for most things so she doesn't tend to be the type to just plug at something that is beyond her for too long.

Her trend is to have a short flurry of reading interest (asking us to write little notes and hang them around or to read simple books with her), and then long periods where she doesn't want anything like that at all, a dormant stage. During a dormant stage, if we ask her to read a word in a story or something, even one she knows by heart, she will get very annoyed and refuse. She just wants to be read to and does almost no writing either except copying things from various places, which she has always done and loves.

We read endlessly here, she has enormous comprehension skills, and that, I think, that is part of what is hard for her, that she just isn't at all interested in reading simple books (she can decode BOB books and the like, but mostly she just memorizes things). The gap between her ability and her desire is still too big and it frustrates her no end to be in this place of waiting.

I listen, I validate, I send out waves of complete and utter confidence that when it happens for her she will just explode into it, we talk about how everybody learns things (to walk, to talk) on the schedule of their own brains and bodies. We talk about how she most definitely is a reader (she will say she can't read, her definition - she can't read what she wants to be able to read), and why. We talk about all her art and the stories she tells in her mind and her amazing imagination and memory and oral story telling skills and sometimes how different those would be if she had been reading for a long time. She tells fabulous stories to her brother (Fergus, 5) while turning the pages of a book, either with or without illustrations - she makes them about just the kinds of things he most loves and they are always different. She tells herself stories in her head if she has trouble falling asleep. She can track long complicated novels (eg adult Star Wars novelizations) and remind us what has happened earlier and makes all the connections about why xyz might be important later or recognize when something comes up again that links up with something from before. It is uncanny, she keeps it all in her head. We talk about all these things.

So it isn't as if any of us are having a hard time with where she is at or that she is internalizing vibes. We could just make a decision to "work harder with her at reading" as many people have told us to do, "seeing as she is asking", but that doesn't sit well with me. I know she is still seeing things in 3 dimensions, still flipping shapes in her head, she is very creative and artistic and I read somewhere that it is typical for artistic types not to settle into 2 dimensions till they are older and this makes sense to me. Her 5 yr old brother can see letters/numbers consistently (eg he'll say "a 2 flipped around" for a 5), so different from her. She doesn't want us to push her, would hate that. She just wants to be able to read, right now.

It seems so important to me somehow that she gets to have this accomplishment all to herself - that when it clicks for her she gets to feel that amazing sense of self pride, of having done it herself, her own way. That to work to move her along in some way (that we don't even know will necessarily help her, who knows what will make it click for her) will take the ownership from her in some way, however small. I just have this feeling that she really needs this for herself, for it to be all her own thing.

It is just hard to have her wanting something I can't really help her with, hard to sit and listen and just be with it.

I am not sure I am articulating the situation well, but I'd love to hear if there are other folks whose kids went through an angsty stage along the reading road, and how you dealt with it. Mostly I just need help for me, strategies for just being with where we are at and that being ok despite her sadness. Mostly I am, but I'd love to hear some other stories!

~ Gillian
and Craig of Effie (9) and Fergus (5)
Victoria BC Canada

[Schuyler Waynforth]

Simon, at 11, isn't reading yet. Or isn't reading fluently yet. It doesn't frustrate him, though. Holly Dodd got frustrated with not being able to read. Sandra has an essay that mentions that and a page on how Kirby and Marty and Holly came to reading. I have a memory, that I can't verify with my search through the archives of unschoolingdiscussion or AlwaysLearning, of Holly getting really frustrated and she and Sandra went and got a couple of learning to read books. I don't think the lessons, if that's what they were, lasted.

I'm sorry Effie feels so frustrated by something she can't actively do much about. I've had moments of being nervous about Simon not reading, I don't know that he ever has, he's never expressed any worry. My worry has tended to get me doing research on the percentage of schooled children who remain illiterate. The data are hard to interpret because there are levels of reading, so degrees of literacy, that students are classed into. However, school doesn't manage to get all children reading. Which to me means that you can't force someone to read. No matter how much a child wants to read, feels that they need to read, there isn't anything that can happen until whatever it is that you need lined up in the brain to read lines up.

There is an interesting video addressing someone's issues with not reading well that was produced by/with/for Byron Katie. It's largely about accepting where you are.

[Joyce Fetteroll]

What would you do if she really really wanted to ride a two wheeler but just couldn't keep it upright?

I see in what you wrote a desire to allow reading to happen for her, but I think you believe that if she'd allow you to, that you could teach her to read. She apparently believes she can be taught to read. So it probably sounds like you're saying "I won't teach you" instead of "Nobody can. You're the only one who can figure it out when your brain has grown enough to be able to."

I wish there were an easy way to help kids understand that some things we just have to wait for!

Does she know kids who can't yet walk or speak? Would it help for her to see that they can't be taught to walk or speak? And yet every single one of them will walk and speak when they're physically able to?

There's a book by Betty Miles called Hey! I'm Reading!. It's *about* learning to read rather than a teaching book (though there are some exercises in it). Though it sounds like she may already know all that. Here's a review from Amazon:

"In parts 1 and 2 of Betty Miles's very accessible book--written not just for parents, but for beginner readers themselves--she helps children discover how much they already know about reading, and shows them some fun ways to learn to read."

There's also Peggy Kaye's Games for Reading. Again, not teaching reading. None of these are necessary but can be fun for kids who are in the process of figuring out reading.

Another idea is to create a word box of words she wants to read. Just write whatever she wants on an index card.

None of that may be helpful if she defines reading as reading a book!

[Rain Fordyce]

Want to know what my son is doing? BTW, He tells everyone (including himself) that he can't read.

However the other week, my older son brought home the Calvin and Hobbs comics. I had forgotten how much I love these books! The pictures are so awesome, my younger son just loves them! So everyday at breakfast, he would eat and look at the hilarious pictures.

I love these books. There is plenty of single word strips (success for the beginning reader), simple kid word strips (a bit more work but manageable) and then lots of cool words like mastermind, integrity, and grandiose filled into the other strips, which you child can choose to skip over, like mine did at first.
However, now he can't stay away, and he continues to read all of the strips and asks me, "Mom, what does this spell?"

I am so thrilled he found something fun and thought-provoking to start to read with. Maybe it's the extremely childish Bob books that turns off a 8+ child.
Just my 2 cents.
smiles and joy

[Caren]

Seth went through a very angsty stage, about a year and a half ago, maybe? Where he really, really, wanted to be reading, but definitely didn't want to be "taught" or do any kind of lesson. He didn't want me to run my fingers under the words when we read, either. The first few times he expressed how frustrated he was, I told him the same things you've told Effie - brain readiness, what a great storyteller he is, etc. After a while, I offered some teach-y type things, and he said he wanted to try - a friend recommended "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons". I brought that home, and together, Seth and I read the intro. He just started cracking up laughing! "That is SO crazy! You're not supposed to use other words? No way! It's not... real!" So that was the extent of that - he didn't want any other lessons or books, but he was still frustrated. So I sat with him in his frustration, just allowed it to be what it was. My meditation practice was particularly helpful during this time! At almost-10, he's reading most everything now.

He sounds very different from Effie - nothing's internal with this guy! But you can certainly share his story with her if that will help.

[Balloonatikmama]

** snip from Joyce - I see in what you wrote a desire to allow reading to happen for her, but I think you believe that if she'd allow you to, that you could teach her to read. She apparently believes she can be taught to read. So it probably sounds like you're saying "I won't teach you" instead of "Nobody can. You're the only one who can figure it out when your brain has grown enough to be able to." **

Opposite of the above really Joyce. I don't believe I can teach her, it will happen when she is ready. In my post I was trying to convey how much I believe that reading is something only she can do, like walking and talking, and how I try to articulate that to her, support her belief in herself that when her body/mind is ready reading the way she wants will happen, and till then millions of other amazing things are happening for her that might not be otherwise. That nobody can "teach" her to do what she isn't ready to do, not school, not anybody. And how important I believe it is for her to hold that power, that knowledge that she alone "did it".

I can't change her belief that school is the answer though - I can disagree with her, I can explain why, but if she wants to believe that if she were at school she wouldn't feel this way, she'd be able to read, I am not sure how to make her change her mind other than wait? I think she knows somewhere inside herself that it is her private journey, but when the chips are down it is sometimes easier to grasp at a simple seeming solution.

And I am perfectly alright with her not reading, my personal internal angst over having a late reader has been dealt with fine I think, my whole being believes she is exactly where she is meant to be and that this WILL happen for her in her own way when the time is right. I don't need reassurance so much as just a calmness with sitting with her frustration, which can be quite explosive. As I said, most times I am fine, but these super intense times after cousins (and being around the accompanying older family members who hear her say "I can't read, I wish I could read, my dream is to read" and then give me the hairy eyeball!) require that little bit of extra grounding, which is what I am seeking.

Hearing other people's stories of angst helps, thanks so much! Keep them coming, I can't believe I am the only one who will benefit from hearing them.

~Gillian

[Linda Hessel]

There are so many kids in school who can't read, or can't read well. Our kids' cousin wasn't ready to learn so the school said she had a learning disability and ADD. Guess what? She did eventually learn to read on her own timetable -- she's a teenager now and reading adult-level fiction. But she still has a perception of herself as learning disabled. That's what school did for for her.

We had some anxiety about Jake, who didn't start reading until he was 10. He was very like Effie -- resisted teaching (he'd get so angry at "how stupid the English language is") and would have short periods of intense interest borne of his desire and then frustration would hit and he'd do nothing with it for months. And then, all of a sudden, that part of his brain turned on and it was *easy*. He literally went from stumbling over Dr. Seuss to reading Ender's Game straight through. It seemed miraculous at the time, but now I think that's just what happens with natural learning, and I don't think it's a phenomenon confined to reading.

You already know all that, really I suppose it's another true story for Effie to chew on. :)

[Balloonatikmama]

Hey Schuyler,

Thanks for the reminder to revisit Sandra's pages. I have read them all before of course, but not lately. It was great to reread Deb Cunefare's story of the reading journey of her fourth child, as well as many of the others. So thanks again for reminding me of the obvious!

~ Gillian

[Meredith]

A couple people have mentioned kids losing interest with reading - Mo does that periodically. She cycles between being very interested and engaged with print, and being completely dis-interested and dis-engaged. She started reading "fluently" - to the extent that she can understand the same thing spoken - early, but she still falls in and out of interest with reading. I wanted to throw that out to anyone who was concerned that becoming disinterested with reading was just a frustration issue. It can also be a natural developmental cycle.

[Joni Zander]

Hi Gillian,

I know you posted this ages ago, but I'm just now reading it and thought I would throw our story in, since it is applicable.

Steffi went through years of wanting to be able to read, thinking she should be able to read, and wanting me to teach her. This was usually after spending some time with some school kid who would tell her that she will always be stupid because she isn't in school and doesn't know how to read, or some such snide remark.

Because she was very insistent on me teaching her to read, I did a lot of research on learning-to-read programs, and found the one I thought would be the least detrimental - believing that she didn't need a reading program, that she would get it when she was ready. But she didn't believe that she would get it when she was ready so I got a program. We would do a small chunk, she wouldn't get it (because she wasn't ready), would loose interest and I'd happily put the program back on the shelf hoping that her near-panic at not reading yet would not return. It felt both right (in the sense that I was doing what she was asking of me) and wrong (in the sense that it felt VERY convoluted to "teach" her something that she didn't need to have taught). After each session, we'd talk about how she will get it when her brain is ready - what she is already able to read, etc. (I'm sure you know the conversation all too well!)

This went on for about three years. And she would tell everyone that she couldn't read. Then at 10 she started to get it and started reading Junie B. Jones. They were very hard for her, but she loved them and struggled through them - giggling all the while. She continued to read Junie B. for almost two years. She worked on a couple of much harder books and decided that she enjoyed the audio versions much better - I think her reading ability just didn't match up to her interest in the books - and it took far too long to get through Harry Potter at that time in her development.

This year, at twelve, she has read the Twilight series twice! And fairly quickly! And has even read the "fifth book" that is online only. She is now a completely fluent reader and LOVES it! My sense is that if she had been in school, having reading forced on her all those years, that she just wouldn't chose to do it. Of course, it is impossible to say, but that is the sense I get.

I'm pretty sure she would have been pronounced dyslexic when she was younger (I did a lot of research on that as well), as she switched letters around, would mirror-write her name more often than not, and truly couldn't tell many letters from each other for a very long time (like 'til she was almost 11). I was determined to not go that route, as I firmly believed that she would figure it out in the way that made the most sense to her on her own, which she has.

Steffi is in bed now, or I would ask her. I'll try to remember to ask her about it tomorrow - as her story in her own words might help Effie even more.

[Balloonatikmama]

Thanks Joni, I loved reading your story! And I know Effie would love to hear Steffi's side of things too - she still talks all the time about that weekend she spent tagging along with Steffi and Kyra in Corvallis. She loved going to the bookstore on her own with "the big kids" and looking at all the Treehouse books with them. I wonder if that was about the same time Steffi was starting to get reading?

If Steffi is into sharing, I really think Effie would appreciate hearing about how the reading journey felt to her - how it was to feel like she was maybe the only one who couldn't read yet, or the wondering if she maybe never would or if there was something wrong with her because she couldn't yet?

And thank you again for sharing your side of things! These stories really help me feel more centered.

~Gillian

[angie]

Hearing other people's stories of angst helps, thanks so much! Keep them coming, I can't believe I am the only one who will benefit from hearing them.
yes very interesting and of benefit for me too, my son is 7 and sometimes he will try and read then ignore that form of communication totally..., his latest has been Dr Seuss books green back books) however he totally refused to read when i showed interest by laughing at them.
maybe your daughter is just trying on the idea of school and testing your reaction? maybe she had a particularly nice time with her peers and this is her solution to spending more time with them?