A reasonable request?

[Heather Greek]

Since my son is 7yo. now and still quite noisey in all ways, is it okay to ask him to be quiet sometimes? He is constantly talking to me or himself,speaking out lines from movies, making sound effects,doop dooping,beeping,or ya ya ya, cha cha cha ,banging,swishing,boom,and like now,while i'm typing he's whispering. At times i told him i want to read this for a few minutes, can he be quiet and he says yes..then 2 seconds later he comes to me with"hey mommy..." Alot of it is stuff he's heard from cartoons or videos and he imitates them. We have alot of good talks and i answer his questions but sometimes they are non-sense ones. Like what happens if i put a cat in your mouth...ha ha..he asks. It is distracting daily. Every time he makes a sound i am interupted because i can not tune him out...he's my son. :) It the time i wrote this he has been making some kind of noise maybe 15 times. I don't mind most of the day only when i want to try to think about things or when my husband is leaving for work i had to tell him to stop talking because i can't say good bye to daddy and remind him to pick up something on his way home. It's really hard to remember things with constant chatter! My only way to get any quiet time is to leave the house when my husband is home. I don't want to do that. I want maybe a couple of pieces of the day quiet...maybe 15 minutes each. There's got to a way where we all get our needs met. Am i not meeting his? I give him my full attention when he wants to talk. I don't know if he can help himself and respect my need to pay attention to what i'm doing or he can but i don't know what to say to him?

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-Since my son is 7yo. now and still quite noisey in all ways, is it okay to ask him to be quiet sometimes?-=-

Yes.

Maybe find him other people to hang out with and talk to? More movies, sing-along things, video games? If it's a need to verbalize, maybe Rock Band or Karaoke Revolution or another singing game?

-=-My only way to get any quiet time is to leave the house when my husband is home. I don't want to do that. -=-

Why not? Surely there are things you could do like go to the grocery store or just go for a walk that would be useful to you and useful to the family. If being gone for a while will give you a chance to breathe and calm yourself so you can be more patient and accepting when you're back home, then that's a good thing.

Soon he'll be 8, and then 9, and won't always want to talk so much.

[Jody]

Great questions! It is perfectly reasonable to teach our children to respect other peoples needs. Obviously, he loves talking to you, and that is a wonderful thing. Have you thought of setting a couple of "quiet times" where he can do a quiet activity while you do yours and then you meet back together and reconnect. You can even tell him you'll be looking forward to hearing what he has to say when your quiet time is over. I think it's also good for our kids to have a little space that way, too. Maybe do something silly when the time is up, say ring a bell, blow a trumpet, sing a song, turn on a dance cd, whatever. Just so he knows it's not about getting away from him, but getting into a quiet space so you can think.

[Amanda]

My ds is just like this. It seems like he talks all the time. What I have noticed about myself however, is because he talks so much, I often only marginally pay attention. I have been working on completely paying attention to what he says, at least sometimes. Other times, if I can have him follow me around the house while I do little things, I can get them done and listen at the same time. I wish he liked to talk on the phone, because that would be great.

Sometimes he is able to wait for others to talk and sometimes not. I try to remember that I love to listen to him and hear his thoughts.


It may not seem related, but sometimes movement helps the ability to be quieter for Eli. We have two mini-trampolines, a chin up bar, and a set of rings for him. Movement helps center him I think.

[Sylvia Toyama]

I live with almost constant chatter from Andy when we're home, and he's 12, so it's not necessarily true that it will stop once he's 8 or 9. It's just part of who some people are. Andy can often be heard talking to himself -- loudly -- from his bedroom. I've learned over the years to distinguish, by meter and tone, when he's talking to himself from when he's calling out for conversation from me.

I do ask him to be quiet sometimes, or to go somewhere else if he needs to be loud. I tell him that I'm busy or concentrating on something and need quiet, also letting him know when I expect to be able to give him my attention. I also will tell him that I just don't want to her that same joke line from Family Guy for the tenth time -- it' s not my thing, but I do appreciate that he wanted to share it with me. I just did that while typing this, because the boys and dh are watching some funniest video show, and I just can't stand to watch those things.

Some of the sounds he makes also set me or one of his brothers off. For example, there's a whole class of sounds I call 'mouth-sounds' -- things like lip-smacking, loud gum chewing, etc -- that just send both me and Will (24yo son) right. over. the. edge.

Not only is it okay to set such boundaries -- I mean, even Moms have a right to some quiet space from time to time - it's part of my responsibility as his Mom to help him see that not everyone wants/needs constant talking and sounds from him. Kids really do need to understand that other people sometimes want quiet.

I'm luckier than you in that I'm able to tune out most of the simple noise making sake -- except mouth noises!

[Jennifer Trias]

It sounds like your son might be an extrovert and you are an introvert? I know this is an issue I have with my 5 year old. He talks a lot and is so excited about the things he is thinking and doing that he has to share them right away. :) And he is loud! Even speaking voice is loud. So we are working on not interrupting and letting him know that we WILL listen to him when we are done and that if we are right next to him he does not have to speak quite so loudly.

Also, sometimes I do tell him that I'm thinking about something and I need a minute until I can give him my full attention. I think that works OK when I do it consistently, because he usually wants my full attention. Sometimes he is just talking to talk or he is thinking out loud. I feel a compulsion to listen to everything he says and since he and my husband are both the type who think out loud, it's important for me to remember I don't have to listen to everything.

And I am an introvert, so I crave quiet time to myself. I don't get it much and sometimes I miss sleep to get it. If you are an introvert it's very important to try to get that time to yourself because that is how introverts recharge. I know I need to make sure to get that time (though I'm getting a bit right now while they watch TV!).

Another idea is to let him call someone on the phone, like grandma or an aunt or uncle or someone who doesn't get to talk to him much and would LOVE to hear the things on his mind. That gives you a break and him a chance to connect to another adult.

[Katherine]

I don't know if he can help himself and respect my need to pay attention to what i'm doing or he can but i don't know what to say to him?

Karl is not constant with the soundmaking and talking but frequent. Once he starts up it's hard to interrupt his outloud thinking when I need to. He does the same thing with motion as with sound. It can be very distracting. We visited a church recently. !!! The church was very unexciting, let's say, and I don't think it's the place for any of us, especially not Karl. He was under the chairs. To him it must have seemed like nobody was doing anything, and no matter what I said, he just didn't want to be there. Brian took him out in the foyer for the duration, and really had I not wanted to hear the sermon we could have easily left. We could have left anyway. There was a window looking out from the sanctuary to the foyer and I could see how things were, so had Brian and Karl not been happy to spend time together just the two of them, I would have definitely got up and left, nevermind any curiosity about the sermon.

Karl listens to requests to be quiet in public for the most part. Sometimes more often lately it seems like he doesn't. I have definitely noticed a big ramp up in the fantasy acting out in the last few weeks. He has a cousin who was exactly the same way, who now in his teens wants to be a writer. I'm going out of my way to encourage my nephew's writing because the word from other adults in the family is if he can't spell how can he write (ugh!).

I personally am so glad Karl and other kids like him have a big tune out fantasy world to live in. For a decent understanding of others though, it really helps to have conversations where the actual goal is to listen to and hear the kid, I think. Such times help when a parent daily sends out a million little reminders to be quiet, which must seem as annoying (to me they are) as the behavior is in the first place. I definitely agree with Sandra's truck essay for that type of talking. Really going out of my way (which as a parent is not actually OUT but IN my way) to connect with Karl has an ameliorating effect on the rest of our interactions during the course of the day. Of course that means making the time to talk with Karl outside of his "busy" moments full of chatter, sound making and motioning.

It's not about setting boundaries around children that they must live within. It's fulfilling a basic social need to show children that others have boundaries, and once violated, this means all sorts of rejection by others. This is definitely true while children are kids and exponentially so when they're grown. It's good to know that kind of thing, for sure!

[Alex Polikowsky]

I think it is reasanable to ask for a little quiet but don't have expectations that your child is able to do it for a little or a long time. Some kids junst can't.
Finding ways to get YOUR and HIS needs met is the key to all being happy.
Going out when hubby is home sounds like a great solution if it works for everyone.

[Kelley MONACH]

Yes. And Yes. I have a 14 year old that is NEVER quiet....except, now that I think about it, when I wish he would speak up and chat with another teen at a park or something!!

I have a really hard time with this, as does DH and the other 2 boys, 9 and 6. The oldest is an instigator as well. He is distracting, he likes the sound of his own sound, especially when others are busy. In some ways it is all about attention getting. I know this and try to give him as much attention as possible--positive attention. Some days it feels as if--no, it IS that I am giving him a lot of attention by saying "be quiet please, respect your brothers or myself PALEEEEASE!!"

It has always been this way with him, I suspect it always will be. He is like that with his friends, but not in an annoying way--in a funny way. Somehow the family is reserved for the annoying (albeit sometimes it really is funny!!, and we let him know that too!)

It is a challenge to balance it all. If you figure out the perfect remedy (besides frequent self-dosing of Bach Rescue Remedy) let me know!

Kelley

[Andy Cronin]

OK....this is may be a little off the wall, but whatever. :)

Does he like to sing? I sang all through school and it was a big part of what I did, and it started when I was young and would listen to the Beach Boys on tapes and sing all the parts. See if he's into any particular type of music.

Then get him a recorder. Maybe he's got some profound (or not) things to say. Let him record himself and play it back and have fun with it.

Have you ever heard of Beatboxing? It's part of hip-hop culture dating way back. Think Bobby McFerrin....today there's people like Rahzel from the Roots....if he's into sounds and noise and using his mouth to make sound effects he migh be a Beatboxer in training. Check out this short documentary on Rahzel.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgDZesi4ugU

Just some fun ideas...


~Andy

[Meredith]

Are there times when he's more likely to be quiet - maybe if he's engrossed in something? Those would seem to be logical times to stake out some quiet time for yourself. You might find that you are using those times to "get something done" already and have to shift your habits a little - just like how moms with babies have to make a point to rest when the baby sleeps rather than trying to get the house clean.

Ray used to chatter all day long and I remember that feeling that I couldn't hold on to a single thought before it was lost in the flood of his words! It helped to grab moments of quiet here and there. Eventually we were able to find a time when he was capable of being quiet for twenty minutes or so - in our case I got up a little earlier and he agreed to stay in bed if he woke up before a certain time. I did a lot of explaining about introverts and extroverts, too, although at first he wasn't sure he believed this weird theory that some people didn't like to talk as much... where do adults come up with this stuff?