Bed-sharing, co-sleeping, or separate sleeping?

[Fawn Klein]

I tend to do co-sleeping.  I worry to much about the wiring in the house.  I can turn our big sun room into sectioned private areas.  Plus, They still have their own rooms with their own beds and doors to close.
But, A couple years back we had an electric outlet spitting sparks and I changed out the outlet.

However, It leaves me nervous.  Then, Last summer we had a neighbor in the corner house have their home burn down (not sure of cause) but it makes me worry.
It makes the kids worry too.

While I don't bed share.  I need to room share or have the rooms next to each other and I want doors open so I feel like they are ok.  If the doors are closed I worry I won't hear them.  I sleep much deeper.  (which probably means I'm less able to hear them because I'm less alert and awake)  But, I feel better rested thinking we are near and within ear shot of each other.

Plus, My kids are more relaxed then if I force them in their beds with doors closed and shut off from family.

Is this normal?
And when should I expect that my kids are going to not need mom to be close by so much?  When will me kids tell leave to their rooms and start closing their doors?  about what age range does Independence start kicking in
Anyone with an older child with Asperger's?  Do they tend to be more clingy and needy of parent?



What do unschoolers do?
 

[Meredith]

I know other unschoolers have talked about kids wanting to sleep in the same room and even bed as parents into the early teens. My impression is that girls will want to co-sleep longer than boys, but that might just be me reading into things. Both my kids shared a room with parents until around 7ish, and my 8yo still likes to snuggle before going to bed and often first thing in the morning, too. When she was sick over the winter I made a little "nest" for her on the floor next to my bed (futon) so she could be right beside me. She stayed there for a couple weeks and then decided she was ready to sleep by herself again.

When will me kids tell leave to their rooms and start closing their doors?

If that's something they're going to do, it's most likely to happen in the teen years. Some kids like to have more privacy then - I don't just mean to masturbate, younger teens sometimes go through a time of wanting to be alone with their thoughts for long stretches of time as they start to ponder their relationship to the universe in a biiiig way.

Anyone with an older child with Asperger's? Do they tend to be more clingy and needy of parent?

Kids with aspergers are as much individuals as any others. Either of my two would probably be slapped with that diagnosis, among others, in school, and their personalities and needs are very different. Ray's never been clingy, but he's always been hugely social, so "needy" in that sense. Mo, otoh, is very introverted and tends to hold back a lot with new people (so "clingy" in that sense), but she's very bold and independent in new environments. (shrug)

There are some good essays and comments here on the subject of unschooling with "special needs" kids
http://sandradodd.com/specialunschooling
In particular, here's a nice story of a kid moving into greater independence:
http://sandradodd.com/special/mary

I worry to much about the wiring in the house.

If you've had problems with wiring, it makes sense to be concerned! Have you talked with your older kids about fire safety and come up with plans about what to do in case of fire? That's a good idea, worries or no worries. Younger children, like your 4yo don't tend to benefit as much from those kinds of conversations - their instinct is to hide, rather than flee, which makes them more dependent in times of disaster. Its also good to invest in smoke detectors if you're worried, and check the batteries regularly. That's a good "fail safe" if you're a deep sleeper, too!

[Jennifer Dunahee]

In our family, we just play it by ear. Our oldest daughter co-slept with us until she was about seven, our son was ready to be in his own room by three, our one year old is currently co-sleeping. Once in a while our son (6) will ask to fall asleep with us, but he usually wants to be carried to his own bed after he falls asleep. They both wanted their doors closed from day one, but I would honestly prefer them to be open. They seem farther away with the door closed. I understand feeling safer when they are near. When we had a break-in scare a few months ago, I moved the kids' matresses into our room for about a week. They didn't mind. They actually missed it after we all felt it was time for them to move back to their own rooms, especially our littlest who looked for them them every morning.
I would say to just do what feels right and best meets everyone's current needs.

[Mary]

Our eldest (almost 11) basically got crowded out of the family bed when his 2nd sibling arrived. :D

We were living in a tiny house at the time and having him in his own room meant just across the hall *almost* close enough to touch still...so his transition was not bad. He was 7 at the time.

My second eldest (almost 7) shares a bed with the eldest and if it weren't for that he'd be in the family bed still. He loves to cuddle up.

Neither of them have expressed much need for privacy yet, except to close the door when they use the restroom.

The room the boys sleep in now, in this larger house, is at the complete other end of the house. At first, when we moved in about a year ago, it was hard for me to relax knowing they were so far away from me. But they like it this way. Although they don't ask for privacy so much, they do enjoy having more space to stay up late and do their own thing without disturbing the 'early to sleep' members of the family.

Our youngest, 3yo, sleeps between my hubby and I in the big bed and I don't see that changing any time soon. That's always been her place. When she's ready we'll accommodate, just like we have for the boys.

[Meredith]

I know of a couple other unschooling families in addition to my own where big closets have been used as small bedrooms for kids who still wanted to be close to parents but not necessarily in the same bed. Other families make creative use of living rooms or "family rooms" converting them to big bedrooms with multiple beds pushed together.

[Amy Lewis]

We bed share which means "musical beds" in our house. ;) Ds, 7, has never slept alone. However, he spends lots of time in his room with his door closed from time to time, for drawing, writing, playing, etc. His door is always closed, whether he is in or out b/c it's his space and he wants to decide who can go in and when, and that includes our pets! Lol.

Dd, 3, generally sleeps with either dh or I, or with ds and a parent. She has gone to sleep on her own many times in her life, by choice. Even as an infant, she would nurse and then want to be put down or held by dh, not me! She has a blanket that she has "nursed" on for comfort her whole life, so far! Currently she likes to fall asleep on the couch or her bed and then comes into the "family bed" in the night. She, too, will choose to go in her room and play on her own with the door closed at times during the day. Both ds and dd choose to go in their rooms if they want alone time for whatever

Ds tends to want *a lot* of adult attention/interaction/conncection all day and night!

All the best,
Amy

[Fawn Klein]

Thanks for all the answers. It is nice to have different perspectives. I only knew my own life. When I was small I slept in my room and was very happy to go off to my bed. I don't ever remember thinking sleeping near my parents was an option. However, I also remember that my mom was more for co-sleeping but all my siblings and I thought sleeping with Mom would be gross. I was the youngest so I'm sure my siblings planted the idea in my head.

I tend to get worried because my kids don't follow how I grew up. I start telling them sleeping in the same room is not what I think most older kids do.

At the mention of break ins I think of my oldest and he gets more concerned about safety then I do. Since moving to Jacksonville Florida, We have seen the news and seen reports of kids being grabbed from their own back yard. We saw one news story of a child being grabbed from inside their own bedroom while sleeping. I don't know if my oldest remembers the house kidnapping but he will even go outside with the younger ones to make sure our back yard is safe.

I think I need to consider his feelings more and not just be worried about society and what others might think.

Thanks for input.