Best School Friends

[Rain Fordyce]

It seems so strange as I go along in our unschooling life. My children's best friends right now are schooled since we have lived here for 1 and 1/2 years. They are both very nice boys, and yet I wonder how long that can last.

We moved to our small town because of the large homeschooling population to find out they are mostly involved in school liaison programs. The few unschoolers we know for some reason haven't meshed as well with our boys as the schooled neighbors we live by, who have become my children's best friends.

I am just pondering the "What does that mean?" question in my mind and wondering if I should be pro-active or allow it to be. I tend to be an "Allow it to be" kind of gal in non-conflictual situations such as these.

It snowed again yesterday. This is exciting where we live and it always means snow clothes, sleds, snowball fights, hot cocoa and fun. My oldest came in after a short time, frustrated because his friend wanted to watch TV instead of play outside. He asked me why his friend didn't see how much more fun it would be to play in the snow, than watch TV.

I listened and waited for him to find an answer. We talked about the differences in their lives. How his friend was told what to do for most of the day, 5 days a week, and may have a different view of his weekends than my son. After awhile, my son seemed to come to a resolve, but told me he felt bad for his friend. This has come up before and both of my boys wish their friends could be at home like they are. This is very unlikely to happen.

Unschooling is freedom. Yet freedom isn't as fun when you watch your closest friends on the treadmill of "have tos and shoulds."

Your thoughts?

[Sandra Dodd]

It might help to see unschooling not as "freedom," but as a different set of choices. It might seem to be "just semantics," but I don't think so. Each choice you or your child makes has advantages and disadvantages. If the biggest disadvantage is feeling others are on a treadmill, that's not a horror. It's a discomfort. And there might be ways to help them see it differently so they can endure their discomfort.

One way is to be a haven for those kids when they're able to come over. The friendships might not last for five or ten years, but few things (friendship or anything else) are guaranteed to last five years.

If your boys spend much energy and emotion wishing their friends' lives were different, then that casts a big shadow on your own lives. If your boys want to control the neighbors when they come over, that's just MORE control being aimed at those kids.

Seeing their reaction to the possibility of FINALLY getting to see some daytime TV can strengthen your own knowledge and confidence about the value of choices and living at a more leisurely pace, without school being the biggest rock in the jar.

[Rain Fordyce]

Hi Sandra,

Thank you for your response. It is interesting that you brought in words like "horror" and "control." Just to let you know, we never thought it was a horror just a discomfort for my growing son. And I suppose I had some discomfort at his discomfort.

Also I found it interesting again you said, "If your boys want to control the neighbors when they come over." This seems to be a leap. My son was not controlling his friend, he was just sad when his friend left and was discussing his thoughts with me.

I really appreciate your comments about looking at choices. I think this is what my son was interested in the most. Thinking about why some people make the choices they do. This is such an important concept to learn about!

Unschooling is a different choice and you are right on about that. I am not sure if my son sees it as freedom, I only know that I do as I continue to learn and grow.

smiles and joy,
Rain

[Esther Maria (Mara) Rest]

Hi,
If the children get along great than I would find no reason to interfere just because they go to school. I remember a very happy childhood with neighborhood children, it didn't really matter that we went to different schools, it would come up occasionally that I did not get grades, but other than that, in the grand scheme of things we are all just people. It is nice that your children have neighbors as friends and who knows maybe they will remember something very positive and loving from you in the future. My boys play mostly with other unschoolers or homeschoolers, but they do have a friend who goes to school, another one who now goes to Sudbury Valley that they try to stay in contact with. I just wanted to point out that on any given beautiful snowy day my 4 y.o. might have decided to go out and play or he might have also decided to stay inside and watch a movie or play a video game, even though he has been unschooled since birth. He loves the TV much more than his older brother who loves the outdoors no matter what the weather. Just a difference in personalities.
We have spring starting here already. Happy snow days!

[Meredith]

In what ways are you thinking of being proactive?

Mo's most frequent playmate is a homeschooled girl - lots of rules, especially about food. That's something I make a point to bring up with Mo when we're planning a playdate. If we're going to their house, for instance, I'll ask Mo to leave certain kinds of snacks in the car (whatever the Bad Food of the month seems to be). If we're meeting at the nearest playground, half a block from McD's, I'll talk with Mo about Iris's mom not wanting to take Iris there. It saves on drama and hurt feelings.

I could see maybe being proactive with your son in the sense of talking about tv schedules and the sorts of things his friends can Only watch at certain times. That way he has the opportunity to be kinder, if he thinks his friends are really feeling "torn" between doing something fun with him or watching tv.

Do y'all do any sleepover? Have you talked with your guy about what nights you can and can't sleep over bc of school? There might be other issues to talk about there, too, like dinner rules, if he's sleeping over there.

That's something I'm still thinking how to address wrt Mo and her friend. They've both said they want a sleepover, but I'm not sure how that would work between the other family's food and bedtime rules. I don't know that Mo's ready to handle all that on her own - or that she'd call me if things went south. At the moment I'm waiting for warmer weather and seeing if I can create an overnight backyard campout as a way to generate more options all 'round.