Books on Toddler Development?

[Chessa]

Hey parents. Today a (Buddhist) parenting group I am a part of had a guest facilitator that got me thinking. I was relating how I've tried to lighten up on my 2 1/2 year old about the "rule" of always having to hold hands in the parking lot; I realized that the point is safety, not holding hands when he really doesn't want to (he'll do it happily sometimes but not others). I know this is a typical situation, but he is very active, loves to run ahead, etc. so I've been trying to explain to him how we can be safe without holding hands, if he stays really close to me or just slightly behind me, or we can run together. The facilitator made the argument that at 2 1/2 he's not cognitively able to understand either my explanations or the fact that not holding hands could be unsafe. She suggested checking into some books on child development in general and just making him hold hands despite his vocal protests.

Ok, so my initial reaction is to take it with a grain of salt (she's a generation older than me) and continue to search for a solution that makes both me AND my son happy. But it did occur to me that checking into a book or two on typical toddler development wouldn't hurt me, and might help me to feel less frustrated in other situations, and able to reason with him better. It might give me insight into his behavior and better able to appeal to him, that kind of thing.

I loved Dr. Sears's Baby Book, but it only goes through age 2 and then he has lots of other books, but they're on particular subjects (i.e. discipline, nutrition) instead of being about cognitive/emotional development in general.

Does anyone have any good recommendations for books that go beyond the infant stage and that don't make you want to scream and pull your hair out (because of bad parenting advice, etc)? Thanks for reading!

[Frank Maier]

No one has responded, so I'll open the discussion by telling you to read Piaget first. After that, you can see what his critics have to say and decide for yourself about how accurate or inaccurate he was. But he's The Man.

[Meredith]

I think we're all waiting with you! I just glanced through my old toddler books, and they all have the same old tired advice. I really like "The First Three Years of Life" for the detailed descriptions of different developmental stages, despite that. I pretty much always read with skepticism, though.

You might ask some specific questions over on Always Unschooled to get some ideas about how folks applying radical unschooling ideas to parenting young children approach the normal developmental stages. Here are some thoughts on the example you gave, though:

The facilitator made the argument that at 2 1/2 he's not cognitively able to understand either my explanations or the fact that not holding hands could be unsafe.

In general, younger children have a hard time with any kind of "might be" sorts of scenarios because their perception of time is so different from adults. So on the one hand, I'd agree with this facilitator. OTOH, that doesn't mean the only other option is to dogmatically insist on handholding all the time. This is where asking unschoolers' input can be helpful - even agreeing on the same developmental timeline, we can have a completely different set of perspectives on how to deal with issues.

able to reason with him better

2yos aren't good candidates for reasoning. The way they view time is part of that. Even when they can agree with you in the moment, five minutes later that moment has been gone for a million years from their perspective. Then there are the issues of impulse control (generally low at this age), empathy (again low), and energy level (high). Those all make reasoning difficult - both to get to an agreement and for the child to keep any kind of agreement. So trying to reason with a 2yo isn't a great idea to start with.

On top of all of that is the question of what do you mean by "reason with"? If you mean "get him to see my point of view" then unschoolers aren't a great source of advice for how to do that. The point of looking at children's points of view isn't (from an unschooling perspective) so we have better leverage for convincing them we're right, its so we can work with them to find solutions. Often that involves more listening and thinking than "reasoning" in the sense that parents usually mean.

Its more helpful overall to look for ways to be proactive - to set up situations such that his natural impulses and tendencies aren't going to create problems. A parking lot is a challenge with an active little one - but you can plan for that: make every effort to go to the store when its likely to be quiet, park as close as possible to the door (even going to a different store if necessary so you can park right at the door and not have a parking lot to cross) to minimize risk. And then you can more freely employ some of the tactics you are using already - suggesting alternate ways to stay close and/or visible to mom. Its good to still be pointing out moving and occupied cars, but saying "might" anything isn't helpful. Saying "look! a car!" is about all the information a speeding 2yo is going to process anyway.

[Chessa]

Thanks Frank for the Piaget rec. I haven't read him yet, so I'll look him up.

Pam, that's an excellent point about individual timelines. I guess I was just looking for broad strokes so I can better understand my son's pov.

Meredith, thanks for that book recommendation, even if I need to read it with a wary eye. ;) I'm a mom who didn't spend much time with young children before I had mine, PLUS I'm a researcher/librarian by training, so I like to come in with lots of info.

2yos aren't good candidates for reasoning. The way they view time is part of that. Even when they can agree with you in the moment, five minutes later that moment has been gone for a million years from their perspective. Then there are the issues of impulse control (generally low at this age), empathy (again low), and energy level (high). Those all make reasoning difficult - both to get to an agreement and for the child to keep any kind of agreement. So trying to reason with a 2yo isn't a great idea to start with.

This is the kind of information I'm looking for. I'm looking for information for ME so that I can better understand my son's POV. If I'm losing patience because I'm trying to create a safe environment for us and for whatever reason that's not working how I thought it would, it's helpful for me to be able to say "He doesn't understand 'might', he doesn't understand why I'm scared - and now I will use that information to look for (and brainstorm with him) a solution that serves both of our needs/interests. It's about framing it in my mind so that I can ask better questions and help from my son. Does that make sense?

Its more helpful overall to look for ways to be proactive - to set up situations such that his natural impulses and tendencies aren't going to create problems.

I totally get this, and try to do this as much as possible. I'm just thinking of the times where this isn't possible as much because of an outside time constraint (say, going to the airport to catch a flight, etc). These are few and far between for the most part, but for me (a person who stresses about being late) I know that I can tend to be a little out of it already because of the timeline, so I'm not as able to get out of my own head and see through his eyes. But thinking about it in advance I'm better able to prepare myself for it so that I can be a better partner to him in the moment.

Thank you again everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. :)

[Trisha Cronin]

I think the best book on child development I've read (I work in a bookstore, and pretty much plowed my way through the parenting section when I found out I was having a baby) is 'The Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland. Of course, I read it before finding about unschooling, so there's probably things I would look at differently now. But I do think it was one of the books that helped me find unschooling so attractive, because there's alot of studies that she discusses that reinforce unschooling ideas.

As the mother of a very independent 2-yr-old boy who also doesn't always want to hold hands, here are some ideas I've tried. First of all, both his dad and I have always talked about holding hands in terms of keeping each other safe, that we're all safer if we stick together. That way he doesn't feel singled out. Also, sometimes he's happier to hold his big brother's hand than mine, then his big brother holds my hand. He also likes to hold my coat, or my purse or some other part of me. If the store has car shaped shopping carts, I try to park right next to one. He likes to pretend to drive, so that way he can go straight in.