Boundaries and Unschooling as a lifestyle

[Sylvia Toyama]

I've seen a trend over the several years I've been reading unschooling forums that bothers me. There seems to be a belief that living as a radical unschooler means Moms (sometimes, Dads, too) aren't 'allowed' to have reasonable boundaries.

Moms show up at unschooling forums and ask if it's okay to set boundaries or limits for personal space with their kids, or if it's okay to physically remove a child who is teasing the dog, or how to break up fights between siblings. They want support for the idea that because they're unschooling, it's perfectly okay for little Joey to jump on Grandma's couch and scribble all over her walls with a sharpie marker; that it's okay for an unschooling child to repeatedly hit Mom for his own entertainment; or to continually interrupt conversations.

I just don't understand how this happened. Unschooling as a lifestyle doesn't mean allowing a child to run roughshod over everyone else in the household or the playground. Kids are going to grow up and live among other people. I want my kids to be able to negotiate that future well and happily.

I think it's helpful for my kids to learn that hitting someone just because his presence bugs you today is legally considered assault; that it's property damage to willfully (or even carelessly) break someone's couch; that it's graffiti to write one someone else's walls; that not everyone finds that off-color joke funny fifteen times, and if it has to do with race or sexuality or some other taboo topic, it might even be considered harassment.

I'm doing my kids a favor when I explain to them that a behavior they've chosen is not going to win them any friends. The reality is that at some point, someone will explain to them that what they're doing is unwelcome.- I'll be much kinder than anyone else would be. That's not to say I'm advocating the sing-song voice where Mom repeats "it's not nice to hit the dog" like a mantra as the child wails on the dog, but won't physically stop the child from hitting the dog. My child's heart won't break if I use a firm voice to say "Stop that. Now." then if needed, physically restrain him.

Is this unwillingness to call a child on unkind, hurtful, dangerous, socially unacceptable behavior a natural outgrowth of attachment parenting, or unique to unschooling families?

Reasonable boundaries aren't the same as unyielding rules -- respect for others' right and space is an essential principle for living with other people, even as a child.

[Michelle]

My kids are kinder and more thoughtful To Me when I've been supportive of them.

I couldn't agree more with this, Meredith. Every day I'm on this amazing journey, I'm learning a little more, and I think just about the most important thing I've experienced so far is how much MY behaviour affects my children's behaviour. If I treat them with respect and kindness, it's returned many times over in more ways than I can imagine.

Re boundaries in general, I really don't think there's any need for them at all, in the sense that if a child feels good about him/herself, loved and supported, he or she will respond positively to a request such as 'please don't jump on the sofa because I'm afraid it might break', or even 'please don't jump on Auntie Min's sofa when we're at her house because she doesn't like it'. In this case, you're asking for the child's co-operation on something that is important to you or important to somebody else, rather than enforcing a rule, which is something that a child can understand, especially if his or her needs are met. And I really think it helps to think about WHY you are asking your child not to do something. This helped me hugely. There was a discussion or article about rules versus principles - I think on Sandra Dodd's website? - which also really helped.

Re limits, timeouts, etc, I think that anything that makes the child fear a consequence or generally feel bad about him or herself, is going in the wrong direction. It doesn't matter how lovingly the ultimatum is delivered - I know from plenty of personal experience! How can this possibly help a child grow into a happy, confident individual? Actually, it's just bullying when we resort to this.

It's ironic that people should ask 'is it ok to do this or that' as the wonderful truth of radical unschooling is that there are no rules, there is no single method of travelling down this path that we've chosen. My understanding is that we are all on individual journeys, with the common belief that we trust in our children's innate qualities and desires, and that as parents we trust in our own intuitiveness in order to support our children, rather than blindly following the well-worn track that society demands that we slog down.

If what's going on in your house feels good to everyone, then you know you're going in a great direction! It doesn't always feel like this in my house, but it's great when it does - it's what it's all about. I think I've digressed...!




Meredith said:

James Marcus Bach said:

That theory of timeout (I think we got the idea from Brazelton) is directly related to controlling himself. It's not a punishment, but a safety condition and an opportunity to practice a critical social skill. It's necessary because otherwise the parents will go crazy-- and that's not safe for the child, either.div>

It would be better, still, if you could get to the point where something like a "time out" is a last resort. It may be that already! I can't possibly know how intense your kid is. When Ray was younger, he was pretty intense, and things sometimes devolved to the point where the only safe option for anyone was to remove him from the situation until he was done melting down. It took me awhile to realize that it wasn't about waiting for him to get control of himself so much as that he needed the time and space to process all the huge intense feelings and impulses and get past them. Then he was able to be in conrol of himself, if you see the distinction.

Ultimately, though, it helped more if I could do everything possible to not set up a situation where Ray would be melting down. That was a lot of work! and there were times when I resented all that work. Learning to really value Ray for himself helped me get past that resentment. Learning to see that there were things he really couldn't do helped too - things he could do one day but couldn't deal with the next, especially. It was easy to get all hung up thinking "I know he can..." and forget that adults ask one another for help, and make allowances for each other all the time, especially for our adult friends. Kids need a lot of that!

[Sandra Dodd]

-=- There was a discussion or article about rules versus principles - I think on Sandra Dodd's website? - which also really helped.-=-

http://sandradodd.com/rules
Several things are linked there, but here's some great stuff by Ben Lovejoy:
http://sandradodd.com/benrules

-=-It's ironic that people should ask 'is it ok to do this or that' as the wonderful truth of radical unschooling is that there are no rules, there is no single method of travelling down this path that we've chosen.-=-

But there are principles.
And some things are going to work around to bite the family in the butt someday if they're not careful early on.

If you take me rock climbing and I ask you if it's okay for me to go some direction, you could say "There are no rules; go the way you want to." But I wasn't asking for permission, if you're the more experienced climber, the guide. I'm asking you for feedback, for advice. "Is this a good way to go?" If you won't advise me one way or the other, I might not have as much fun, or I might get hurt, or I might waste time in some crevasse that leads nowhere.

There's a difference between telling someone exactly where to climb, exactly where to put each toe and finger, and saying "Whatever and wherever."

In between those two is a good place to be!