Children "need you to make choices for them"

[Jen]

I was asked to write a parenting column for a local blog about Radical Unschooling/Consensual Living. In the comment section, a women left the comment that "Children need parents to make choices for them because it makes them feel safe and secure."

My immediate reaction, of course, is, "My child DOES feel safe and secure!" But I'm pretty sure that's the along the same lines of "Nu-uh!!" Even after thinking about it though, I'm having a hard time articulating a response, so I thought I'd post here and see if you all could help me come up with a thought out response to this comment!

Thanks!

[James Marcus Bach]

Hi Jen,

Here are a few ideas for you.

1. Analyze the claim and question each word. Ask "what does this mean?" and "is this justified?" and "are there exceptions?"

- "Children..." Which children? All children? What qualifies as a child?
- "Children need..." Need or want? How much to they need?
- "Parents..." Their own parents or all parents? Both parents? Any authority figure?
- "Choices..." Which choices? All choices?
- "Make choices..." What exactly does it mean to make a choice? Does that mean the choice is dictated without the child's involvement? Does that mean the parent doesn't ever change his or her mind afterward?
- "Children need parents to make choices for them..." How do we know this? Where is the evidence? When a child insists on making his own choice, isn't that evidence to the contrary?
- "...because it makes them feel safe and secure." Is this always true? In all situations?

So the first issue is that the statement itself is vague and yet sweeping. It can help to get her to be more specific.

2. Consider whom you are arguing with: a person present, or a person not present?

You may be arguing with a fortune cookie that the person read once. They read it and believed it and no one is going to contradict them. On the other hand, you may be arguing with someone whose personal experience and thinking led them to that conclusion. Don't go too far into the debate before figuring that out, because otherwise you're talking to a wall.

Also, consider the possibility that the woman is making a general point from a very specific and perhaps painful personal situation. Maybe you can draw her out and get her to talk about that experience.

There still may a reason to reply, of course: the audience may benefit from seeing your reaction.

3. Consider agreeing with her.

You could focus on the grain of truth in their statement. Surely sometimes in some ways some children do want parents to solve thorny problems for them. Perhaps you could cite an example of that.

Then you could turn it back to the kind of case you are more interested in, where children come to relish a growing sense of personal integrity and responsibility.

Or you could talk about how parents can help children feel safe and secure (as your children do) despite being granted that terrible terrible thing called respect and freedom.

[James Marcus Bach]

Here's another idea:

Replace a simplistic model of human relationships and choices with a complex and more recognizable one.

For instance, children are in a process of learning and growing. They are not static. How do they learn and grow? Perhaps by confronting and making choices!

Parents build and maintain trust with their children as their children become adults. How is this trust constructed? Perhaps by the child's expanding awareness of being trusted to make their own choices!

[Pamela Sorooshian]

Also, be sure to make the point that we're not talking about children making their own choices in a vacuum. Unless you lay it out very specifically, people often assume that unschooling parents are very hands off. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

[Sandra Dodd]

Parents should choose to take care of their children and keep them safe, and choose to provide them with clothing and other necessities. Parents should choose to provide them good food, but that doesn't mean they should decide exactly how the child sits and holds her spoon and when exactly she eats and for how long and when exactly she stops. There's such a thing as a parent making TOO many choices for the child.

A mindful and attentive and respectful parent can choose to let the child share in those choices so that by the time the child is older he's competent at making his own choices.

Sandra

[Joyce Fetteroll]

You could agree, along the same vein as others have suggested, that if the choice is between making choices for kids or abandoning kids to go it alone, then yes, definitely, making choices for them will make them feel more safe and secure.

But you're not talking about only those two choices. You're talking about something else entirely: being on their team to support their explorations. Rather than leading them to the right choice (or handing it to them), we can support them in their decision making and support them in thinking about and fixing things that didn't turn out as expected. The benefit is they learn how to make choices rather than memorize someone else's right choices.

It seems to make sense to wait until the kids are older and have more life experience before we let them make decisions, but by that time they're faced with more dangerous decisions and we wouldn't want them testing out fledgling decision making skills on whether to ride home with someone who has been drinking or whether to let biology overwhelm half-thought-through ideas on why that might not be a good idea.

It's better to start early when their most "dangerous" choices involve staying up all night or eating as many Oreos as they want. While it's extreme, what can put the problem in perspective is asking yourself, "Who's going to die?"

A child staying up all night looks like a recipe for a disastrous next day, but in the bigger picture, they'll learn a ton by experiencing it for themselves rather than being told why that experience will be bad. (Because there will, in fact, be good parts about it!) They'll learn more about themselves and their body's limits. They may even need to explore staying up several times for the cons to outweigh the pros. They may need some help thinking through the consequences (like getting up and out to a morning play date) or dealing with the aftermath (being snippy with people the next day).

If it's a bigger choice, like whether to go to a particular summer camp, we can help them with decision making strategies like writing out the pros and cons and ranking them. Every time they think something through, ever time they experience the good and bad parts of their choices (with us there to support them) they learn more about how to make better choices. And that will serve them far better in the future than memorizing someone else's right choices.

[Jen]

Thank you so much for your suggestions! You gave me a ton to think about!

[Home4skool]

This reminds me of a few things that have happened recently. A couple days ago, the mother of my daughter's best friend came over and asked me if I wanted to sign my daughter (8) up for a class with her daughter. I said, "I don't know, let me ask her." My daughter immediately said that she wasn't interested. The friend's mother looked at me as if to say, "You don't ask them, you tell them!" Then she went into a spiel about how her daughter would just sit in front of the t.v. all day if she didn't sign her up for something. Later that day, her daughter came to me and said in an exasperated tone, "My mom signed me up for all these classes. I don't want to do any of them."

It's odd to me that some adults don't believe children are capable of knowing and deciding for themselves what they like/don't like--this extends all the way down to doctors who feel babies cannot sense pain nor perceive taste. None of my children are babies any more, but even with simple things like food choices, I've seen the same parental behavior. Recently a male inlaw insisted that my daughter try a food she does like like. She politely told the inlaw that she had already tried but did not care for that food. Even when she explained this multiple times and expressed gratitude for being given another choice, her decision was met with hostility.

"Children need parents to make choices for them because it makes them feel safe and secure." I've always thought that line was nonsense. Parents who want to practice authoritarian/dictatorship parenting will use that line to justify their parenting style. Yeah, if your kid is going to run out in front of a car or do something that is genuinely going to cause death/injury to themselves or another then sure making a choice for them at that moment might make them feel safe and secure.

[Meredith]

Last night my dad and his wife were passing through town so we met them at a restaurant. My 7yo ordered some mac'n cheese and then was disappointed when it arrived, looking very different from what she had expected. I quickly flagged the waitress and ordered something else (and ate the mac'n cheese myself), but my dad's wife went into a schpiel about how they had a "two bites" rule at her house. Then she went on to tell stories of people - kids and adults that she had bullied into "trying two bites" of the same food every time they came to visit, for years apparantly. I nodded and smiled and and made a mental note to continue my policy of not visiting very often. Its amazing to me that after years of seeing the same strategy fail over and over and over, she still thinks its wonderful.

[LisaRussell]

I can't think of a single "bad decision" in life that would absolutely ruin everything. If my daughter is deciding to run into oncoming traffic, then I would definitely decide to stop her. however, deciding what to wear, whether or not to use the potty, which words to use, whether or not to say thank you, or wear shoes today - these decisions will not have life-long consequences.

Not being allowed to think for oneself, THAT has lifelong consequences.

A child who has all the decisions made for them is NOT going to feel very secure as an adult, when no one is there to make decisions for them. Children can feel safety knowing that they are loved, and that no "decision" is going to ruin everything. Life is good. I wonder why people distrust kids so much,

[Jen]

I wonder that too. I really can't think of any decision I would hesitate to let my kids make.

Someone on the column I wrote made a comment about there being a "middle ground" between letting kids make all their decisions and controlling everything they do. He said he thought both extremes were dangerous. Honestly though, I just can't think of any day-to-day choice that I wouldn't "let" my kids make.

[James Marcus Bach]

LisaRussell said:

I can't think of a single "bad decision" in life that would absolutely ruin everything. If my daughter is deciding to run into oncoming traffic, then I would definitely decide to stop her. however, deciding what to wear, whether or not to use the potty, which words to use, whether or not to say thank you, or wear shoes today - these decisions will not have life-long consequences.

Not being allowed to think for oneself, THAT has lifelong consequences.

A child who has all the decisions made for them is NOT going to feel very secure as an adult, when no one is there to make decisions for them. Children can feel safety knowing that they are loved, and that no "decision" is going to ruin everything. Life is good. I wonder why people distrust kids so much,

This is exactly how we've been living at our house.

Yesterday I was walking the dogs with my son, and told him he was easy to live with, and that I was grateful for that. He told me he was "doing a lot of things" such as showering every day and brushing his teeth and putting his laundry in the bin, so that we wouldn't be annoyed with him. (Lenore had been upset with him "living like a caveman", so I suggested she review some of the many things she does for him and simply stop doing some of them until he noticed and asked for her help. Then she could strike a bargain with him. That seems to have worked.)

I thanked him for that.

Basically, he's becoming a reasonable young man, and that's all happened without any significant pressure to conform or pretend.

[Sandra Dodd]

People tend to strike (either way--withholding services or "striking a bargain") with adversaries, not with partners. While you feel this way worked, the goal (to get your son to do more so you wouldn't be annoyed) wasn't the only one. If a mom is willing to do laundry or pick up dishes, the child will be willing to do it for the mom after a while. If a mom's goal is to get the child to do it for himself, she might achieve that goal and no more. That could be a loss.

Gail Higgins wrote something beautiful about this recently here:

http://gail-hummingbirdhaven.blogspot.com/2009/07/just-clean-kitche...