Dealing with depression

[Jennifer Trias]

OK, this issue has come up in the Sibling Rivalry thread so if anyone wants more background, you can start there.

The gist is that I am dealing with my husband's depression and it is making things hard around our house. So I guess I need ideas to deal with the depression and maybe ideas for my husband. He is on medication and tomorrow will be seeing a counselor. He has a history of depression and for us there has been this cycling for as long as we've been together. It was easier to deal with before kids, because I had more time and energy and just more of myself to give.

Now it is hard. I don't always realize when he is sliding into depression because his behavior LOOKS the same in the beginning - playing video games, reading, doing Sidoku, etc. The difference is that he is not finding any joy in these things and it takes me a while to figure that out. So at first it looks to me like he is being lazy and not helping with the chores because he is busy with his games. Then I finally figure it out and I quietly try to take care of things until it passes. But if it lasts long or gets worse, then I find myself getting angry and resentful.

At this point I think he needs love and affection and I am too angry to give that to him. I feel bad saying that and I know things shouldn't be like that, but they are. I am tired and worn out from picking up the slack. I don't know what to do for him. Letting him lie around all day doesn't work. I want to shake him and yell at him to get out of bed, but that won't work either. So I think that I need to try to include him more so he feels less isolated.

OK anyway I can't really write more, but I'm sure that others deal with this or with similar circumstances.

[Meredith]

George has on again off again issues with anxiety and depression and also chronic pain. At the worst, he's been pretty incapacitated - really not able to contribute to the household at all. It helped me most to see him that way: incapacitated. It wasn't that he was slacking off or holding out on me, he really couldn't do it, couldn't do the dishes or go to the store.

I used to live semi-communally and have had "roommates" with varying degrees of disability in the past. Roommates with injuries or revolving thyroid issues or chronic fatigue or life threatening illnesses who sometimes could be wonderfully helpful, but not always. Maybe that has helped me be able to shift to that mindset of "this person is UnAble to help right now" I don't know. I know that it makes a Huge difference to me - if I start feeling resentful, I can catch myself short and remember "s/he Can't, s/he really is UnAble to help out." That lets me get back to loving that other person for Who he or she is, rather than what he or she could maybe do to help make my life less hectic.

Its hard with on-again off-again kinds of ailments bc you've seen things get "back to normal" and want that again, right now, please! I've found it helpful to grieve for my old "normal" and let it go as if that option is gone for good - and then move on. Plan around the idea that I'm the one who has to handle all the details. Make changes, if necessary - do I need to find some help with the kids? with the housekeeping? I think of the single moms I know and look to them for inspiration and down-right advice - how do you do it all? Then, when George is able to help again, its a wonderful gift and I appreciate every little thing he does so much more.

[Heather Greek]

It's important to remember that he's not sitting around to make you pissed. By all means get someone to help with the house work and whatever if you can afford it!
I am going through stuff and i swear it's not easy. My 40's have been hell on wheels. I feel wore out from all these ailments, I am going to ride a bike today...maybe that will help me.

[Jennifer Trias]

I know he isn't sitting around trying to piss me off. But I do need the reminder. I think part of it is that this has been going on for the 16 years we've been together. He is an emotional roller coaster (his words, not mine). I try my hardest not to go on the ride with him, which is hard to do for me because I am so sensitive to other people's moods that I don't always realize I am picking up other people's feelings.

So, I have to not go on the ride with him, while at the same time trying to do everything else. We moved here to be near family and it's been good, but I really don't have anyone to take care of me, you know? My mom works and is about 2 hours away. Plus, she isn't the most nurturing person in the world.

So I guess what I need to do is pay people to do some of the things, like cleaning the house or watching the kids every now and then so that I can take care of myself. I was doing that in Phoenix for a while and I think it helped. I think I'd like to pay someone to pick up the house and then I'd like to clean it myself! I do like cleaning actually. :)

Right now we've been going to the Y to swim in the afternoons. It's more exercise than I was getting, but I'd like to get more. I will have to figure out how to make that happen. The Y has a nursery but the hours don't work that well with our schedule. So I need to find someone else or work out something with Tim so that we can trade off going early and then meeting to swim. That will help my mood and my energy, while also giving me time to myself.

And then I need to find someone to come play with the kids regularly. I thought my cousins would work, but I'm just not sure. They go to school and are busy with school stuff, you know? My one cousin is 16 and she goes to the basketball games and dances and stuff. I will have to ask her when she wants to babysit, though. Or even just come play with the kids so I can work on my blog or something, right?

OK, well just thinking out loud here. Spring is coming and I think that will make it better for all of us. It's our first winter in 8 years! I mean, there's winter in Phoenix, but it's still sunny and warm. I do miss the sun. :)

[Heather Greek]

Not too nuturing grandma..yup same here! I am very isolated and feeling the effects of it. Ya throw in chronic pain and a strange new head pain(I am going for acupunture tomorrow) and being a half hour from town plus i have no zest to create art,read a book just basically do anything! I probably am depressed too. I have thoughts upon waking that i can't control,I am scared of the future and i never used to be that way. Sometimes when i am waking,I am tired of life,I could sleep all day. BUT I love my family and just want to live! Does that make sense? Maybe it's depression or s.a.d? It's been a long,cold winter for us here too! I have alot of stress.
I'm glad your talking about this. Your helping me and i'm sure others. Oh yes, do ask your cousins to babysit, your lucky to have them close by!

[Jennifer Trias]

Yeah we are lucky that we are only 10 minutes from town. Well, 5 minutes from a town of 1500 and 10 from a town of 20,000. So that makes things a lot easier.

It has been a long winter. Have you tried taking some Vitamin D? That is supposed to help with moods and it's likely that your levels are low from the winter. Maybe my husband should try that, too. OK, well all of us could try it, I'm sure! :) I'm trying to get him to the Y more often because I KNOW exercise helps.

The chronic pain makes exercise hard for you, I'm sure. I didn't make it to the Y today, but did have some gravel to rake and tried to clean up the coop we might use for chickens. I am looking forward to starting a garden and having hens, so I think that is part of what is getting me through the winter! Plus, today is a nice spring-like day where we are. That certainly helps.

My aunt tells me that lots of birds are back early this year, like 3 or 4 weeks early. So she is thinking spring will be here soon. I hope she is right!

[Rick]

Jennifer, does your husband's counseling component include marriage and family counseling as well? It sounds like you need help too. The pattern you are talking about, video games, tv, etc. sounds like avoidance. Sometimes if he can just get up and moving this pattern will break. It could be something as simple as a small chore, help lifting something, or something just to get him 'moving'. He may 'grumble' a little about it, but once he gets moving that avoidance pattern may be broken.

If he is taking meds, have him tell the Dr. what is working and what isn't. It may be that his regimen needs 'tweaking' until he finds the right combination that works for him...

[Kathryn]

Just quickly, I have experience with depression at varying intensities. I recently started seeing a GP (doc.) who encompasses both allopathic and nutritional therapies. She tested me for PYROLURIA and it came back positive. Apparently, about 10% of the population have this disorder . . . that's a LOT. Anyway, it is a blood disorder which basically means your body cannot effectively use B6 and zinc. Such deficiencies include a myriad of symptoms, the more dominant are mental health issues. Search it on line, have him tested. I'm pretty sure for those in the US you do not need a referral from a Doc. Do NOT expect all that much knowledge/understanding from mainstream docs. It is yet another medical issue that is cleared simply by nutritional therapy; cannot be patented . . . big pharma would probably deny it's very existance!

Again, this is VERY common. Hope this is of some help.