"Develop good habits"

[Sandra Dodd]

I want to discuss this:

You may be thinking "but they have to learn to develop good habits!" Let us stop for a minute here and think. This is certainly true...

It's a quote from an article Bob Collier linked today in his wonderful Parental Intelligence Newsletter

 (if you're not a subscriber you should go and do that and then come back and read)   http://www.parental-intelligence.com/

He linked an article that's good, about the problems with force feeding kids, and expanding the idea to other areas.  But in the article was a quote that stopped me cold:

You may be thinking "but they have to learn to develop good habits!" Let us stop for a minute here and think. This is certainly true...

I don't want to criticize the author.  I don't mind the article.  I just want to look at that one "certainly true" bit.  I would have left a comment there, but it was in such a place that comments weren't allowed (or if they were, I missed seeing it, in all the advertisements.  :-/ )

 

I don't think it is AT ALL "certainly true" that children have to learn to develop good habits.

I think if children and parents live lives of thought choice-making then they won't need to "learn" anything about "developing" anything.  

 

---------------

The full article is here:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Force-Fed---The-Detrimental-Habit-of-Forc...

but it doesn't need to be read for a discussion of the difference between making choices and learning to develop good habits.

[Meredith]

When people do develop good habits they've chosen to do so - good habits can't be taught. The idea that they can is one of the big fallacies of parenting and education. Kids made to get up in time for school aren't necessarily punctual employees. Kids made to clean aren't necessarily good housekeepers. Kids made to do homework aren't necessarily responsible. Heck, kids made to memorize their mulitplication tables don't necessarily remember them ten years later. I don't have good habits because of the way I was taught. I've chosen to step past my baggage and make better choices in my life, choices that bring me closer to the person I want to be. Some of those choices have been made so many times they've become habits, and I'm happy with those so I keep them around. When I find I have a habit I don't like, I can choose to change, too.

[Meredith]

I thought of an example of a choice that has become a habit - seeing things in a more positive light, and assuming positive intent of people. I was veeeerrrry cynical for a long time, largely as a result of school, and while I had figured out how to keep that cynicism from affecting my adult relationships very much, I discovered a lot of it bled over into my relationship with Ray and that wasn't helping him. When I realized that, I decided to have a more positve viewpoint - it took time and practice, choosing and rechoosing my words about him to others and to him, and even my own private thoughts, but over time it became more natural to start out with a positive assumption.

[Sandra Dodd]

So you made a choice by yourself and liked the results, and so that choice was an easy one to make afterwards.   I think that's learning, not habit development. :-)

 

You could still choose to be negative, only now it would *be* a choice, and not the default, without-thinking state.

[Amy Jackson]

"but they have to learn to develop good habits!" 

 

I think by "have to learn" he may really mean someone "has to teach" them to develop good habits. One of the things I feel like I've learned from reading the lists and posting my own questions is that when something has a positive outcome (physically, emotionally, relationally, etc.), people will usually continue to do that thing - unless they've been "taught" not to listen to their internal voice. That's a natural response, and it makes sense.

 

Also, what one person may consider a "good habit" may not even be something that's necessary in another person's life. When I worked in a restaurant, getting up early was definitely not a good habit for me. It meant I would be very tired when I needed to start my evening shift. Unfortunately, I had been taught that "sleeping in" was a bad habit, so even though my body needed that sleep, I felt guilty almost every day.

 

My daughter wakes up when she is rested. That makes for a better day for everyone. :)

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-I think by "have to learn" he may really mean someone "has to teach" them to develop good habits.-=-

I bet you're exactly right.

Too many people think "learn" requires "teach."  :-/

 

-=-Also, what one person may consider a "good habit" may not even be something that's necessary in another person's life. When I worked in a restaurant, getting up early was definitely not a good habit for me. It meant I would be very tired when I needed to start my evening shift. Unfortunately, I had been taught that "sleeping in" was a bad habit, so even though my body needed that sleep, I felt guilty almost every day.-=-

 

Good example.

My kids didn't learn "early=virtue," which is good as they've had work starting times ranging from 6:30 to 6:00 p.m., over the years, variously.   Right now, Holly has a job that starts at 9:00 some days, and 11:00 some days.  Kirby works from 2:00 p.m. to... overtime and then the gym... he's there until midnight most nights, so waking up early would be Just Wrong!  :-)

[Teresa]

The part about identifying and labeling certain habits as "good" jumped out at me, too. It seems like even saying that there are habits that are "good," regardless of context, is giving the message that we all have to accept some external arbiters of our character who are ready to confer smiles or wag fingers depending on which way we go.

 

Writing thank-you notes promptly after receiving gifts is considered by many to be a good habit. (After receiving one from me while I was dating my now-husband, my mother-in-law told him that it was a sign of "good rearing." My mother never sent a thank-you card in her life--she always called on the phone to thank someone. The note-writing was a custom I adopted as a teenager by my own choice.) But really, what we like about getting thank-you notes is that they help us to feel acknowledged and appreciated. It's a gesture that reinforces real human connection. If a thank-you note seems to contain false sentiment or is impersonal, then the "good" of that habit goes out the window.

 

So maybe this ties in a bit with a previous thread on values. Maybe what people mean when they refer to "good habits" is that certain patterns of behavior tend to reinforce values that they themselves hold as important.

[Missy Bell]

All of those "habits" that are "taught" are things that eventually we choose.

 

Brushing our teeth upon waking and before sleeping, for example, are things that I absolutely did every morning as a child in my parents' home - but the first time I went to camp I stopped brushing my teeth immediately. 

 

After three days or so of not brushing, I hated the way my mouth felt and tasted and thought, "Maybe I should brush my teeth."  After that, to avoid that nasty feeling, I brushed every morning on waking, but not necessarily every night.

 

The night time "habit" formed as I got older and decided that I'd like to keep my teeth around and "experts" who say to brush twice daily probably know something. 

 

These things happen naturally if we are introduced to the possibilities. 

 

My son stays up regularly much later than my husband and I do.  Before I go to bed I always give him a hug and kiss, remind him that if he wants a snack he's welcome to have one, give him a glass of water, and ASK him if he wants to brush his teeth and put on PJs.  Some days the answer is yes.  Some days it's no.  Some days it's brush teeth but not put on PJs and vice versa.  All are equally fine with me.  The amazing and cool thing is - he ASKED me to remind him about things like that - he has said, very specifically: "I want you to remind me about brushing my teeth and PJs." and "Can you please remind me I want to take a bath every other day?"  LOVE it.

[Sandra Dodd]

My husband used to remind me to get gasoline in the car, but after a while he started just doing it for me, which is sweet.

 

Bummer we can't brush someone else's teeth for them that way. :-)

[Ursula & Ron Jones]

I like that.... Good Habites = Values,
 we ourselves hold important!

Teresa said:

The part about identifying and labeling certain habits as "good" jumped out at me, too. It seems like even saying that there are habits that are "good," regardless of context, is giving the message that we all have to accept some external arbiters of our character who are ready to confer smiles or wag fingers depending on which way we go.

 

Writing thank-you notes promptly after receiving gifts is considered by many to be a good habit. (After receiving one from me while I was dating my now-husband, my mother-in-law told him that it was a sign of "good rearing." My mother never sent a thank-you card in her life--she always called on the phone to thank someone. The note-writing was a custom I adopted as a teenager by my own choice.) But really, what we like about getting thank-you notes is that they help us to feel acknowledged and appreciated. It's a gesture that reinforces real human connection. If a thank-you note seems to contain false sentiment or is impersonal, then the "good" of that habit goes out the window.

 

So maybe this ties in a bit with a previous thread on values. Maybe what people mean when they refer to "good habits" is that certain patterns of behavior tend to reinforce values that they themselves hold as important.

[Sandra Dodd]

-=- It seems like even saying that there are habits that are "good," regardless of context, is giving the message that we all have to accept some external arbiters of our character who are ready to confer smiles or wag fingers depending on which way we go.-=-

 

I disagree with this part.  If I were a hermit living far from anyone, I would still be making decisions in a "what is better, what is worse" way.   I was objecting to the idea of "habits" rather than decision making, not to the idea of some things being better than others (i.e. "good things").

 

It doesn't need to be someone else's judgment that makes something good.