Fears - what do I do?

[Starr Sheppard-Decker]

Hello, all. I have only been on this board a couple of months, and have been thoroughly enjoying all of the posts, the different points of view, and the wide variety of people and topics. I guess now it is time for me to ask for support on an issue I am having.

I have a 5 yr old boy (P.S. I have no idea what ds's & dd's are, so if someone could clue me in....) who is a doll (yes, that is technical term). He is very sensitive to energy and emotion, etc, and is very loving and outgoing. He has never had regular schooling so is still also very curious about how things work. Lately, however - like the past 3-4 wks or so - he has been scared of certain things. He doesn't get too emotional about it, but now requires my husband and I to turn the light on for him in two specific rooms in the house due to things hanging on the wall. Despite our gentleness with him and our consistency in going in these places with him, he is still unable to enter these two rooms alone w/o light.

Here comes the question - what is the path that will honor him the most, while also not buying into the idea that there is something to be afraid of? I don't want to put down his fears - belittle them. But I also don't want to agree with him that there is anything to be scared of. My husband is starting to become a little impatient, and has suggested we just take the stuff off the wall. I am okay with that, as long as it isn't showing our son that they ARE scary. You get my drift? I hope I am explaining myself well. I think this is a great example of something very tied into an old way of doing things, and I am really looking forward to insight on a new way to look at the situation.

Some insight to the situation: the items are a sun clock in the bathroom, and two dreamcatchers in his room (his brother's - they don't stay here most of the time). He isn't afraid of his dreamcatcher, just theirs. Also, I'd like to add that the fears came up right around the same time my roommate got a Wii and Zayne (son) started watching us play Mario Kart. I think the animation of it might have sparked the fears of things he didn't used to be afraid of. So I am also considering not letting him watch that anymore - but then again, that feels like punishment for being afraid and/or control. Whew!

Thanks in advance for any help on this.

To the Vision of Truth,

STarr

[Sandra Dodd]

-=- Lately, however - like the past 3-4 wks or so - he has been scared of certain things. He doesn't get too emotional about it, but now requires my husband and I to turn the light on for him in two specific rooms in the house due to things hanging on the wall. Despite our gentleness with him and our consistency in going in these places with him, he is still unable to enter these two rooms alone w/o light.-=-

Absolutely common, for young kids to become afraid of the dark for a while at that age, or maybe forever. Accept it.

On this, forget it, PLEASE!

-=-Also, I'd like to add that the fears came up right around the same time my roommate got a Wii and Zayne (son) started watching us play Mario Kart. I think the animation of it might have sparked the fears of things he didn't used to be afraid of. So I am also considering not letting him watch that anymore - but then again, that feels like punishment for being afraid and/or control. Whew!-=-

If something had been sacrificed every time a five year old had become afraid of the dark, half the cool stuff on earth would be gone and five year olds would still be afraid of the dark.

Don't look for causes or reasons past his own mental and emotional development.

-=-Here comes the question - what is the path that will honor him the most, while also not buying into the idea that there is something to be afraid of?-=-

Sympathize with him and turn the lights on when he wants them on. Lights are way less expensive than a visit to a counsellor.

-=-He doesn't get too emotional about it, but now requires my husband and I to turn the light on for him in two specific rooms in the house due to things hanging on the wall.-=-

Can you find wall switch extensions so he can turn the lights on by himself? Wanting a light on isn't a problem unless other people make it a problem. People who don't want to turn lights on for little kids are a worse problem.

We used to have a thing that fit into the light switch and two wooden balls hung down, and the kids could pull one or the other to turn the light on or off. There's probably something more modern and safer nowadays. Or maybe a flashlight for him and a stepstool near each light switch?

Sandra

[Starr Sheppard-Decker]

*Absolutely common, for young kids to become afraid of the dark for a while at that age, or maybe forever. Accept it.*

Oh, that I understand.... this is a more specific fear, tho. Other rooms that are dark he doesn't have an issue with. Just the two rooms I specified. Both have lights within reach and both rooms he had no issues before. If I thought it was just a plain old dark fear I wouldn't even post it here - I was afraid of the dark as a kid, too! :)

The main reason I brought it up is the seeming correlation between the introduction of the fast-paced racing game where fire balls have eyes and are looking at you and the fear of a few round objects on the wall. Was wanting some feedback on that aspect of it.

*If something had been sacrificed every time a five year old had become afraid of the dark, half the cool stuff on earth would be gone and five year olds would still be afraid of the dark.*

Thanks. :) That's kinda what I've been telling my husband; guess I just needed some reassurance on that part since the option was mentioned.

*Or maybe a flashlight for him and a stepstool near each light switch?*

He has a flashlight in his room since he can't reach the light from his bed, and he doesn't seem to be calmed by it. It is clear he can use it anywhere he feels like he needs light, and it doesn't seem to battle the fear - especially of the dream catchers.

Thanks for your response - hope to hear more feedback! :)

[JennyStar]

Oh, that I understand.... this is a more specific fear, tho. Other rooms that are dark he doesn't have an issue with. Just the two rooms I specified. Both have lights within reach and both rooms he had no issues before. If I thought it was just a plain old dark fear I wouldn't even post it here - I was afraid of the dark as a kid, too! :)

The main reason I brought it up is the seeming correlation between the introduction of the fast-paced racing game where fire balls have eyes and are looking at you and the fear of a few round objects on the wall. Was wanting some feedback on that aspect of it

It could be a correlation, or maybe not. Have you asked him why he's afraid of those 2 rooms? If it's really because of some wall hangings, take them down maybe.

Chamille switched entire rooms about a year ago or so because she didn't like the "feel" of her room, she said she felt like something was in there. It was a lot of work to do, but switching room seemed way easier than reading a lot of extra things into it. I could have said "oh, there must be a dark evil spirit in there." and then I could've gone to an expert in excorcism to make it go away.

That age around 5, kids start to see the world differently. Sometimes what they never were aware of before, suddenly is in their realm of awareness. Their minds are full of imagination and stories and thoughts. Your child has a story in his head about why something is scary in the dark in those 2 rooms. Be kind and turn the light on and stay nearby.

Margaux, at 8, still won't use the bathroom by herself, especially at night. During the day time she'll occasionally use it alone. Sometimes it's inconvenient, but it's really important to her that she knows she's safe and that we care enough to go with her.

Whatever the reason he suddenly is scared, be sympathetic and be there. Before video games, kids would get scared by books or movies, or a trickery of images. I grew up mostly without a tv, but I got scared by images in my head from books that seemed very real at night while my mind played tricks on me.

[Joyce Fetteroll]

** But I also don't want to agree with him that there is anything to be scared of. **

But the fears *are* real even if he knows there's nothing to be afraid of.

When I was a kid, in the dark the clothes hanging in my closet and boxes on the top shelf became gorillas and monkeys who were plotting to attack me. (I have no clue why gorillas and monkeys. I don't recall being afraid of them during the day. Maybe just something about the shapes.)

The thing is I *knew* they weren't gorillas and monkeys. I was quite analytical about it. I *definitely* didn't need someone telling me there was nothing to fear because it was my uncontrollable imagination that caused the fears, not lack of logic or understanding. Those clothes and boxes with the help of an imagination were going to turn into gorillas and monkeys in the dark regardless of what I or anyone knew or said. ;-)

Even when I was older, I had a creepy feeling coming up from the basement if the light behind me was off. My imagination supplied the darkness with "bad guys". (And I grew up in a very safe area.) That creepiness didn't fade until after college. Kat was well into her teens before she stopped asking me to go upstairs with her.

I'd suggest rearranging the room together until he feels satisfied.

Or arming him with tools to combat his imagination. Help him turn other things into good monsters that will battle the bad monsters. Give him a small flashlight to strap around his waist.

Empower him :-)

** The main reason I brought it up is the seeming correlation between the introduction of the fast-paced racing game where fire balls have eyes and are looking at you and the fear of a few round objects on the wall. **

When Kat was young the moving skeletons in Indiana Jones really spooked her. So I helped her avoid anything like that in movies, but if I'd avoided adventure movies because of that she would have missed out on a lot of wonderful stuff that didn't frighten her. I think it was on Unschooling Basics someone's 5 yo got freaked by a yoga DVD. Some kids can watch battles and get upset by TV show parents talking sternly to their kids. It's much more empowering to help them find ways to handle the world than to shut out bits of it you fear might frighten him.

[Meredith]

The main reason I brought it up is the seeming correlation between the introduction of the fast-paced racing game where fire balls have eyes and are looking at you and the fear of a few round objects on the wall. Was wanting some feedback on that aspect of it.

When I was 4ish, my parents took me to some museum or other that had a giant model of a snail - and I had nightmares about snails for months, even though I was used to picking them up and holding them in my hands. I checked under my pillows every night and wanted a night light. Anything can trigger a bit of fear-of-the-dark, anything at all. It might have been the game, or it might have been something else and the game is a cooincidence. Its a very very normal thing.

Its not even only for kids! I live in TN, and this year we had a rattlesnake under the stairs to our barn. I suddenly realized why it makes sense to be afraid of monsters under the stairs or under a bed! It made perfectly logical sense to me this summer, lemme tell ya.

Light extensions or flashlights are a good idea - anything to make things a little easier on him, give him a sense of confidence in his environment. Mo likes to have one of those "candle lamps" that are all over the place this time of year. You can get a kind with a sensor that turns itself on when you go somewhere dark, which could be fun, too. And really, you could experiment with moving those hanging things or taking them down, if those are the only things really setting him off. I know a couple families who blocked off the underside of beds (or moved matresses to the floor) for a couple years until their kids finished with the "monsters under the bed" stage. It can be a big way of saying "you're feelings are important to me".

[JennyStar]

Or arming him with tools to combat his imagination. Help him turn other things into good monsters that will battle the bad monsters. Give him a small flashlight to strap around his waist

Oo oo oo... this reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes, one of Margaux's favorite books, we have several collections and any one will do. Calvin has a very elaborate imagination about scary monsters at night. His parents aren't very nice, so you could just do the opposite of what they would do!

Calvin and Hobbes are always creating solutions to fending off the monsters under the bed. I'm glad we don't have an "under the bed" at our house! I still remember the stuff I did at night to fend off the monsters under the bed when I was little. It was very involved and included roller skates and shoes and whether or not I had socks on, but it was full proof since I'm alive to tell you about it!