Feeling like I can't do this anymore

[Darcel]

We started our unschooling journey in April of this year.
I'm going through a really rough patch right now. I don't know what to do with my oldest. She'll be 5 in December.

Lately it's been really hard for me to deal with her. She's doing things she normally wouldn't do. It's like someone replaced her while I was sleeping.
Today we ordered pizza, and I got a couple packets of ranch dressing with it.
The girls didn't want the pizza, they just wanted to dip their fingers into the ranch, ok fine, the'll eat the pizza later or something else when they are really hungry.

We finished up, and I took the pizza into the kitchen, come back around the corner and she's smearing ranch down her sister back,taking the packet and slamming it onto her back.
I gave them oreos,knowing they would only eat the cream part, but then she took the cookie part and started tossing them across the room.
She hasn't been eating and when she does, she plays with her food.
I have noodles and beans that they can play with, but maybe that's not enough?

When I ask her why she's doing these things, she either doesn't answer me, or says it was an accident.
I'm feeling so burnt out with her. She doesn't want to do what I suggest, she wants to either watch TV or watch videos on youtube. She gets bored with that and I'll invite her to play with me and her sister, or read books, play with cards, anything and lately the answer is always no.
When we go out all she does is whine and complain. It's like nothing I say or do makes her happy.

She's pushing her sister and other kids when we're outside playing. She never did that before!
I'm starting to get really frustrated and having trouble finding a balance for myself.
My husband is gone at least 10 hours a day, working six days a week and he just got a promotion. I'm almost 7 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and so tired all the time,also feeling like I'm always going to throw up.
The girls know about the baby, and I would think that is part of the problem, but this has been going on for months now.

My husband suggested putting her into a montessori program, or maybe that she really wants to be in school. Even if she does, she can't go until next Fall.
I feel like I'm failing her.

I know she can sense my attitude and I don't want to come across as phony with her either, because she'll pick up on that too.
I really don't know what to do or think.

[Alan Marshall]

I know you will get a lot of good advice about how to deal with challenges with your daughter. But first you may want to consider this: Why do you assume that these challenges is related to unschooling? As you say, dd would be home if you were planning to unschool or not. Is there any reason to think that going to school will help the situation?

It all sounds to me like really good reasons to keep your dd out of school, where it sounds like like she would probably be labeled as a problem child and you would have much less of a chance to gently help her develop some better social skills.

[Meredith]

The good news is this is really very normal behavior for a 5yo. Age five can sometimes seem like age three all over again, only with a kid who's bigger, stronger and smarter... yikes. It can help to see what she's doing in terms of development. She's experimenting with cause and effect sorts of things but in a more social context than when she was three And she's bigger, stronger and smarter. Help her find lots of ways to explore in ways that are tactile and kinesthetic - be inteactive about that, not just "here, play with this" but invite her to draw on you, smear things on you, etc. Ask if you can do the same to her. Make it fun. Help her find big-muscle things to do, too, like wrestling or "boxing" while you hold a pillow.

[Meredith]

Sorry for the multiple posts, this box keeps cutting me off for some reason.

If you've been pulling back from her - in reaction or bc of the pregnancy - then she's likely amping up a bit. She Needs the physical interaction. Her muscles and nerves are screaming for stimulation and at the same time her mind is busy asking "what happens when?" about everything.

Finding ways to fill up those needs will help, but they won't make the problem go away entirely because "the problem" is development. If you can create a context of "yes" and "lets try it this way, instead" and "let me help" then the "nos" are more meaningful.

[Meredith]

"She doesn't want to do what I suggest, she wants to either watch TV or watch videos on youtube. She gets bored with that and I'll invite her to play with me and her sister, or read books, play with cards, anything and lately the answer is always no."

This might seem like an odd question but what would you offer or suggest if you had a son instead of a dd? Books, cards, playing with noodles, playing with a little sister... none of those use the big muscles very much. Forget noodles and make slime. If you have a yard, make a mud-pit. Get a punching bag. Make sure you have lots of things to throw. Offer to play catch and soccer type games. Get little rackets and bats. Look into a trampoline. Think about the big muscles in the arms and legs and how to use them in ways that feel strong.

[Caren]

"She doesn't want to do what I suggest, she wants to either watch TV or watch videos on youtube. She gets bored with that and I'll invite her to play with me and her sister, or read books, play with cards, anything and lately the answer is always no."

Don't suggest - DO. Don't ask - just start something. What do you want to do? Paint? Garden? Make a mud pit, like Meredith suggested? Just start. Let your inner 5-year-old out to play! Do something you find absolutely joyful, fun, and exciting, and invite your daughter along. Find your fun self! Make a BIG mess. They want to body-paint with ranch dressing? Get the cheapest you can find, and put 'em in the tub (or substitute something else gooey and normally forbidden). Find the yes. "Hmmm... you want to throw cookies? See if you can get them in this big bowl!" She'll only be 5 once.

[Amanda]

Both of my boys have told me they get along when they are happy. Try to find ways to make your dd happier. Buy her favorite food, invite over a favorite friend, turn on a favorite movie, etc. Try to find lots of little ways to make her day happier. If she is happier, she may be nicer to everyone else.

Another suggestion: Try to think if there was something that changed or frightened her. Eli (8) used to love playing physical, but now tends to go extremely aggressive when he gets touched. It took me a while to put things together, but I finally remembered he had got underneath a pile of boys wrestling. Not only did he gets scraped up, but also somehow got a terrible case of poison ivy from it. It took me at least two months to see the connection. Almost a year later and we are still very careful about rough housing.

Somewhat unrelated, have you had her vision tested? When Eli started wearing glasses 3 years ago his aggression immediately dropped off. It turned out his vision was just bad enough to be giving him headaches, which made him very unhappy. He has tested fine at the pediatrician, but still needed glasses.

Sorry all the ideas are so different. My boys are very rough and it has been a strange combination of solutions to help get it under control. Some kids just need an adult very close. We are almost never out of earshot of our two boys.

Amanda
Eli 8, Samuel 6

[Teresa]

The suggestion above about making the tough-to-take things into games has REALLY been working for us. My son (almost 4) running at me with raised fists becomes a game of dodge. I look at him with this big, goofy grin and adopt the posture I would for a puppy to invite play, and then I just try to roll with it. We usually both end up in a tickle fit on the floor.

Sometimes I try to get behind the actions--what made him to that? what was the trigger? what could I have done differently ahead of time? But a lot of time I think it is just him trying to express something difficult inside of him using the tools he has. Thinking of it that way, I think that at least I'm giving him a chance to change his perspective. If something is really bothering him or or is lingering, we'll have a better chance of discovering and dealing with it together when he's not limbic.

[Darcel]

I don't think school would be better for her, my husband does.
Plus he sees my stress and wants to help, and putting her in school is his way of helping. I guess he thinks then I wouldn't be so stressed.

She has been complaining of headaches off and on for a few months, so I'll have her vision tested. It has been a while since that was done.

On my end I'm always wondering if what we do is unschooling enough, or does it follow the unschooling philosophy?

She has always been very physical since she started walking. She loves to run and play with the boys. I didn't think about doing things that help to work out her big muscles. She can run and run and run all day long. She runs in the house, slides down the steps, runs outside.

I'm going to look into a trampoline for the backyard, I know both girls would love that.
I do feel like I'm going back to the 3yr old stage with her, and she is bigger, stronger and smarter.

As for saying yes, I feel like I say yes so much, and when the answer is no she doesn't take no for an answer. She's very persistent.
I think back to my childhood, and it was not all that fun. I guess I can think of everything I wanted to do or wish I could do, and do it with them.

My mom didn't play with me, and I vowed I would be different with my kids. I'm finding it hard though to get down on the floor and be super physical with them. I can play catch, but wrestling around on the floor feels uncomfortable to me. Not to mention I always feel like I'm gonna vomit.
Maybe that's why I'm thinking of "safer" games to play with them, cards and noodles.
I don't know how to step out of my comfort zone. My husband is much better at thinking like a kid then I am. I think my expectations of her are too high.

Both of the kids are either in the same room with me, or within ear shot all the time. I suppose I feel drained because of that. Both of them need constant touch, and they are both very spirited.

I had this vision of how our unschooling life would unfold, and instead I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I know it will help if I focus on little things to make her day happier, instead of trying to figure out the entire day as soon as I wake up.


Every time I think I'm getting it, I have a setback. I know the problem is me, not her. I can't seem to get out of my own way. How did you do it? How do I let my inner child out when I don't feel like I have an inner child?

[Sylvia Toyama]

It's sweet that your husband sees your stress and wants to help. Maybe it would be more helpful for him to see what he can do with your children that would give you the same kind of break he thinks school will give you.

As for saying yes, I feel like I say yes so much, and when the answer is no she doesn't take no for an answer. She's very persistent.

Maybe from her perspective, your reasons for 'no' aren't good ones. Can you find more ways to get to 'yes' even when it first looked like 'no' was the only available answer?

My mom didn't play with me, and I vowed I would be different with my kids. I'm finding it hard though to get down on the floor and be super physical with them. I can play catch, but wrestling around on the floor feels uncomfortable to me. Not to mention I always feel like I'm gonna vomit. My husband is much better at thinking like a kid then I am. I think my expectations of her are too high.

If your husband is better at thinking like a kid, and at playing on the floor (esp. while you're pregnant) then he could do that, maybe while you get some time to yourself, have a bath, read a book - whatever will recharge your energy.

Both of the kids are either in the same room with me, or within ear shot all the time. I suppose I feel drained because of that. Both of them need constant touch, and they are both very spirited.

Totally understandable, especially while you're pregnant. I mean, you've been pregnant 3 times in 5 years, nursed, carried babies, been thru the tiny and toddler states twice already. Touched out is to be expected. Really, if you find some way to have a break, some time for yourself, you may find it makes a huge difference for you. Let your husband give you that gift of time alone, by spending time with kids when he's home.

I had this vision of how our unschooling life would unfold, and instead I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I know it will help if I focus on little things to make her day happier, instead of trying to figure out the entire day as soon as I wake up.

Let go of your visions of how unschooling will unfold. It's very rare anything in life unfolds as we envisioned it. Marriage, motherhood, who our children are, those are all things beyond our wildest imaginings. Really, I think that's as it should be -- if everything turned out exactly as I expected, I'd have missed so much beauty and wonder in my life. I could have not imagined a future as wonderful as my current reality.

How do I let my inner child out when I don't feel like I have an inner child?

I wanted to speak to this because you foreshadowed it above when you said your Mom didn't play with you. Many of us feel like we don't have an inner child. It's taken me years to find my identity, the person I believe I was meant to be. I was surprised to find she's not very child-like -- mostly because everyone had told me we all have an 'inner child' and surely, I must have one, or am I really that different from all the 'normal' people.

Look around at the different personalities even children have -- some are physical, some more sedate, some read, others run all the time. Looking at my own three, I have one who runs because it's what he has to do (no idea where that gene came from!), another who will only run if his life is threatened (I know exactly where that gene comes from!). Two are very sensitive, and were always easily upset/quick to cry kids; the other is equally sensitive, but the very definition of stoic -- when he cries, it's because he's angry, not hurt.

Given that, would your inner child really need to look like anyone else's idea of what an 'inner child' should be? Will she even look like your idea of an inner child? I'd bet not. Maybe your inner child is an artist, or a writer, or a reader, or an athlete. Whoever she is, no one gets to define her, she's her own person who will likely surprise you, too.

I agree with Alan about school being a not great alternative. Active, loud kids are often targeted as problem children, and you would not believe the amount of time and energy consumed in fighting the school to save that child's soul. I know. Been there, done that -- it does damage to kids and parents and their relationships that takes years to fix.

[Meredith]

She has been complaining of headaches off and on for a few months, so I'll have her vision tested. It has been a while since that was done.

If she’s having headaches than its important to look for a solution to that. Physical discomfort can make anyone less easy to get along with!

I had this vision of how our unschooling life would unfold

I had one of those, with lots of snuggling and reading to my kids… instead I got two who love to run and climb and go-go-go all day long. The older of the two talked seemingly non-stop until about age 9, and the younger didn’t want to hear more than two words at a time – no snuggling and reading for me! I spent a little time saying goodbye to that vision, and then set to work loving my kids for who they really are. They aren’t who I imagined – but then why should they be? They are themselves.

I know it will help if I focus on little things to make her day happier, instead of trying to figure out the entire day as soon as I wake up.

Don’t try to figure out the whole day. If it helps, figure out when you’re going to make food and run any errands, but give yourself a good long bit of leeway, too – an hour or even more. There’s little reason for anything to have to happen on a schedule, and lots of good reasons to step back and watch what kinds of patterns evolve naturally. My younger child, for example, likes long stretches of time to focus on projects *and* she has certain times of the day when she’s “in project mode” so we work to schedule errands around those times so we’re not interrupting her.

Every time I think I'm getting it, I have a setback.

Psst… every time you think you’re getting it, you’re kids get older and change! That’s going to keep happening for some years, too. It helps if you can adopt an attitude of curiosity and fascination about all those changes, rather than being stuck in an endless loop of “oh no, not again.”

[Linda Hessel]

Lots of good suggestions here!

She has been complaining of headaches off and on for a few months, so I'll have her vision tested. It has been a while since that was done.

Definitely. Also maybe look at possible food sensitivities.

I'm going to look into a trampoline for the backyard, I know both girls would love that.

Having a trampoline was SO great for my boys at that age, I really recommend it for dealing with that intense energy.

My mom didn't play with me, and I vowed I would be different with my kids. I'm finding it hard though to get down on the floor and be super physical with them. I can play catch, but wrestling around on the floor feels uncomfortable to me. Not to mention I always feel like I'm gonna vomit.

I agree that connecting through playfulness is important, but I've never been a "get down on the floor and play" kind of person. I'm not even a game-playing kind of person. It never felt natural or enjoyable to me, and kids pick up on that. My type of playing is banter back and forth, verbal silliness, basically just attention paid to them that is playful in nature.

I had this vision of how our unschooling life would unfold, and instead I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I know it will help if I focus on little things to make her day happier, instead of trying to figure out the entire day as soon as I wake up.

Please, give yourself a break! I have children spaced about the same, and when they were those ages I often felt overwhelmed. It is such an intense time, and it is honestly going to be so no matter what you do -- I doubt you are doing it "wrong", it just is what it is. And it really does mellow out and get easier eventually. For the time being, you're so right, you really just have to surrender to the chaos instead of trying to have everything go a certain way. Allow yourself to just be in the moment.

[Amanda]

Have you read Playful Parenting?

http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442...