Help! (Or: Am I doing it wrong?)

[Bevin]

Warning: this post is epic-length.

I feel like I'm not cut out to be a parent once a child reaches 5 or 6 years old. When they're younger I "get" them. I can empathize with them, I can hear what they're saying even when they're not saying it, my patience is saint-like, I am able to keep my sense of humour. My mom and grandmother went through Canada's Residential School system and it nearly destroyed their parenting skills. What skills I have come from what wasn't destroyed in my mom, from my dad, and from books. Ever since I was very young (like, 7 or 8) I have been reading about parenting. However, it seems like I only internalized the early childhood stuff.

My daughter is a gem. An absolute gem. Ever since she was a baby she has been the "easy" child that everyone dreams of. Even now I really have nothing to complain about, but here I am complaining.

I pulled her out of school in January. Since then she has been happier than I have seen her in years. However, I feel like I am going crazy!

Here's our situation:

I am pregnant, and this pregnancy has been very difficult on me. I am not on bedrest, but I can't do anything physical or else I get terrible hours-long Braxton-Hicks contractions. Bailey "hated" gym in school, and lives very much in her head. She doesn't get a lot of physical exercise, and I don't know how to facilitate that without forcing her. I think the lack of movement is affecting her sleep. Besides being prone to insomnia to begin with she's simply not tired enough to fall or stay asleep. We go for short walks when I am able, and my husband takes her swimming when the timing works out. We live in an apartment building with a tiny patch of grass. I try to get outside with Bailey but we end up just standing around. The lack of sleep is affecting her mood.

We don't have a lot of money... well, we don't really have any disposable income at the moment. We go to the library, and we are going to a city council meeting on Tuesday, but we can't go to the zoo, we can't buy a lot of books or supplies, we can't sign her up for any lessons.

Socially: We go to a playgroup a couple times per month, but there are no kids her age... just babies and preschoolers and the novelty of seeing the little ones has worn off for her, I think. We started a homeschooling group, but that is just getting going. She hangs out with her old school friends on the weekends, though. When she was younger she was a social butterfly. She was kind, gentle, empathetic, and related to all ages. I went through a very severe depression, her Dad and I had some custody issues, school kicked into high gear and stopped being fun... and the result is a confused, angry shell of the Bailey I once knew. I recently realized (duh) that her bossiness could be reframed as "leadership qualities" so we've been working on that. But seeing her interact with her peers is sometimes painful. She wants to control, control, control. She had a disastrous sleepover at Halloween and lost her best friend. Bailey acknowledges that it was mainly her own fault, but says she doesn't know how to be any different. Bailey has always been surrounded by adults, too. She was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. She gets along famously with lots of adults. She just doesn't seem to know what to do when someone is being childish because they are (of course) a child.

Behaviour in general: She has gotten so contrary with me and her stepdad! Every so often I remember to step back and realize that she is learning to set boundaries and to make up her own mind about what is right and wrong... but sometimes I get so cheesed off that we both dissolve into tears! I am not proud of my own reactions. I know that in a lot of instances I am trying to be more powerful than her and show her who is boss. And I know that is ridiculous, and completely goes against what I actually want her to learn, which is that she is whole and complete and wonderful just as she is, that I respect and honour her body and that she owns her body (ie: if I'm cold she doesn't have to put on a sweater, lol)... etc.

I know that Bailey has been through a lot of changes in the past couple of months. I know that deschooling takes a long time. I've always wanted to unschool, but had to get past her bio-dad's resistance first. Even when she was in school I let her know that I disagreed with the system, and that we were only playing along because we had to for now. In retrospect maybe that wasn't very wise of me, but it's in the past and I can't change it now.

I realize I am being very negative in my writing. Lots of "I can't" and other stinking thinking. Normally I try to edit my thoughts and writing to be as positive as I can, because I find that being negative just makes things more negative. But I don't think I'll edit what I wrote above. That is the raw, ugly, desperate place I am at right now. Any feedback and suggestions are greatly welcomed... but please be gentle. I am feeling very fragile right now.

[Katherine]

For me, the only way to get out of stinking thinking is to act. And without knowing how I want to act first and needing to think about it.. well, it's hard to get out of a negative rut. Start small and go slow (even though everything and everyone may seem to need it yesterday). I lived for negativity all my childhood and much of my young adulthood. Took a LOT to overcome that. Thank God for friends who didn't think the way I did. That and simply becoming mindful of every time that I was being negative. And good on you that you're realizing that you get negative. Lots of people are and don't know it.

I have a mini trampoline which I got online for Karl (and me too) that I paid $50 for. He uses it when watching TV or cartoons on youtube or just whenever. It's so great and he loves the thing, and he can use it if he wants to no matter how old he gets. It can be put out of the way against a wall when I want to clear up some space for a bit. Great fun happy exercise throughout the day. He uses it several times daily and I make sure it's on the floor where he can get frequent access to it. We've had it for about 6 months now. Sure beats those "far from the playground winter doldrums."

About those Brax-Hix (a personal aside) ... that probably means an easier labor because much of the labor is ongoing over a period of time instead of all at once in the final stages of labor (of course with pregnancy there's no guarantee of easy..;). Just a thought. For me, it would take some stress off the idea that I'm having Brax-Hix just to know they're for a good purpose.

but we can't go to the zoo, we can't buy a lot of books or supplies, we can't sign her up for any lessons

Does the zoo offer free days? Ours has Mondays free. Buying books... suggest that the library acquire them and then check 'em out and/or some libraries get books from libraries outside their area or county (I forget what that's called). Lessons (does she want any?) like what kind? Sometimes you can join short classes for free ... check your community pages in the newspaper (use the library or online newspaper if you don't subscribe).

Socially... maybe your daughter feels stressed out when seeing the chaotic nature of childhood for most kids. Karl is like that. He gets so much opportunity to be a more mature individual at home that it's hard for him to conceive of the need for disorderly unruly behavior. Consider social situations with older kids or adults who are child-friendly. Consider also not trying to fill the social void and instead provide time and attention to socialize with you. It's hard for children to learn social skills from peers who after all are also lacking in skills. Karl is a take charge type too and being an only child.. well, let's just say that's not unusual.

I like Sandra Dodd's advice to allow oneself to think "dangerous" thoughts. People can continue to act in ways that are dangerous for their own and their children's welfare for years without much thought. Thinking is key to changing behavior that is unhelpful or puts the relationship with one's children at risk. So let thoughts be free and consider things from many various angles. And allow your child to do the same. It's a great freedom and probably the only way to learn skills that are unfamiliar and new. Play with your thoughts. Choose your actions as wisely as you are able.

Not feeling up to par on parenting children older than 5 years of age: that sounds like you are well versed in your culture, whose response for most kids is daycare, school and other ways to partition them away from adults. By the time kids are teens, they really haven't been in the adult world "ever" and many have no clue why one would want to join it. It's a cycle that is artificially created and maintained by adults. People whose children have never been to school are not immune to these cultural cues. It takes considerable effort (for me it took a LOT) to think differently about children and where they're coming from and how to facilitate their path to learning and happiness.

A book that was a starting point for me is Learning and Forgetting by Frank Smith. It's a little over a 1/4 inch thick, a short easy read. Maybe you would get the encouragement I got out of that book to unschool our child.

When I get the chance, I surf around on this site to keep myself on track. There's a great search feature on that site to read up on problem areas as you come across them. And here's a great place to begin reading: http://sandradodd.com/help
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[Bevin]

Thank you both for your input!

I think I am feeling much more cranky and irritable lately because of the physical pain I am feeling with this pregnancy. (And it's good to know that the Braxton-Hicks might just facilitate labour!)

In the spirit of "great timing" I got a difficult call from Bailey's grandmother today (her bio-dad's mom) telling me how concerned she was about this whole unschooling thing, asking me all sorts of questions about what I'll do if Bailey wants to be a nurse and needs chemistry etc., how I know Bailey is learning, etc. etc., I'm sure we're all familiar with the counter-arguments to unschooling. It's like she never even read the material I sent her!

Anyway, I was irritated by her call, but I also wonder if having to defend my position a little bit might have helped me today. If I've been feeling negative and worrying about the deschooling process, then maybe it was good for me to remember that I am, after all, passionate about this lifestyle.

I never considered the idea that maybe it's okay that Bailey mainly socializes with adults. Of course when I think about it, it makes perfect sense. I have been limiting the length of her playdates lately, in order to give her a chance to be successful (she seems to get more controlling the longer the playdate lasts).

Oh I wish we could have a mini-trampoline! I love that idea! We have downstairs neighbours though. However, that got me thinking about other possibilities like an exercise ball. Plus, soon I'll have this baby and I'll be able to move a lot more freely. 9 more weeks!

I think a big piece that you both touched on is Thinking. I do tend to edit myself in my thoughts, and maybe I need to realize that it's okay to think about the options that I would never dream of acting on. Maybe mulling over all the available options will help me come up with a creative solution that wouldn't otherwise have occurred to me. Is that kind of what you meant?

Reading your suggestions also helped me remember a local program here that helps families with low incomes afford recreation. I think I will look into that tomorrow. Also, spring is just around the corner, and that means a lot more outdoor time!

Anyway, thanks for the input. I really, really appreciate being heard.

[Tammy Brooks]

Wow Bevin, this could be my story, right down to the stepdad, uncooperative ex, etc. My son has been out of school since January. I am struggling with letting go of control as he sits in front of a screen for hours on end and has meltdown after meltdown when I try to get him to go for a walk, go to his karate class, anything at all physical. And he stays up till midnight every night while I pass out with the baby (she is 8 months) by 10 most nights. He is the one who decided to stop going to school (he was physically and verbally resisting very VERY forcefully). I never did consider unschooling before, as I had never heard of it, though I did try every kind of alternate schooling I could find for him, not believing in the traditional school system either.

Our main power struggles lately have been about screen time, tooth brushing, food, anything where he feels I am trying to exert my power over him and disrespecting his autonomy. I guess it is too much to expect him to understand that even though mom says she is letting you make your own decisions, you still have to brush your teeth when she says and turn off the computer without complaining, or at least tell her nicely why you would like to do it later. No, he just flips out or tunes me out and I feel my frustration level (cortisol anyone?) hit the roof.

Reading your post, I am getting the sense that this is a natural part of the deschooling process. We have to let them be tired and cranky enough that they decide to sleep and we have to let ourselves mess up and get bossy and apologize until we learn to trust them again. But that doesn't make it any easier. My brain aches with all the reading I am doing and sometimes I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and never get up. But those days are getting further apart and the little moments of magic are starting to happen more and more frequently. I read and I talk and I try things and sometimes I actually get them right. Here is a great article that Scott Noelle wrote about the place we are in. He calls it the "healing gap". http://scottnoelle.com/parenting/healing-gap/ . If you are in BC, do you know about Selfdesign? http://www.wondertree.org/. I signed us up there and we have a fantastic unschooly learning consultant to support our process, a whole community of like-minded parents in discussion conferences AND you get money for learning resources.

Are you in BC too? I am in Victoria and I am discovering there is a great unschooling community here. Where are you? If there is anything I can do, please let me know. Good luck and remember to breathe.

[Katherine]

It's like she never even read the material I sent her!

We haven't talked much about our unschooling or educational choices with family.... (well, I haven't). I have asked for a letter detailing all their concerns. I can't take the credit for dreaming up the idea to ask for a letter. It's a good one, I think. In a few years (or just a few months even), rereading the specific concerns may cast a different complexion on what you're doing. The concerns for your child/ren's future will hopefully lighten up as time goes on and others can see how the child/ren really are.

Downstairs neighbors.... I would recommend a trampoline even more in that case. Karl's feet bump around a lot on the floor and the trampoline is so much quieter since it's the tramp that's taking the stress of the pounding rather than the floor. You could even put a rubber bottom rug or carpet (if you have bare floors) to cushion the sound even more. Oh and it rains alot here summer or winter so... I am very happy to have a trampoline. Lifesaver.
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[Faline]

Hi Bevin,

The work of Byron Katie also has helped me so many, many times and overall has allowed me more peace in my life.
And SelfDesign program can help you with money and support...I am happy to tell you more about the details if you want. It is our 1st year with Hannah after just being registered and total unschoolers her whole life.
If you or the library don't have Naomi Aldort's book Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves, I can lend you some CDs of hers, as well as some of Gordon Neufeld's (his book: Hold on to your kids). Or other of my h/s books if you would like :) I have a good book called Deschooling our Lives.
You are at such a crossroads in your life! Just married, pregnant, beginning unschooling, parenting an older child....no wonder there is some negativity and upheaval. You obviously have had the strength to make some pretty major changes in your life and you still have that strength....Maybe it's not that you are doing the "wrong" thing as you find your way, it seems like a process has to be lived through sometimes when massive changes are made. (That has been true for me in some huge life events.) Not that it makes it easier in the moment but it won't last forever. And you'll probably find things you wish to do to make it better, like the trampoline, etc. and the better weather and other resources as has been mentioned.
There is also the Big Little Science Center in Kamloops (near Deanna's house) that is only $2 or $3 to get in.
Sending you much encouragement :)

[Meredith]

An exercise ball is a good idea. Its fun for a child to stand or kneel on it while you hold her hands, or she can lie on her back and sort of "juggle" it between hands and feet. You might also look into other easy, physical things to do indoors - a skateboard can be sat on as a scooter, for example. Or you could make a big "fort" out of couch cusions to climb in and over and through, or drape sheets over chairs for something similar. Crawling is good exercise! Its also fun to take flimsy cloths and wave them in the air - fun to dance with, too - or take lengths of ribbon and twirl them. Does she like Barbie? The 12 Dancing Princesses was a big sparker around here for hours of dancing. If she's not into "girly" stuff, movies with lots of martial arts can be inspiring for active play.

Sometimes younger children can avoid "exercise" the way we adults think of it bc what they want is something more contact-oriented: wrestling or back rubs or playing with someone through a barrier (like a blanket or sleeping bag). If she's been really social in the past, then looking for some way to be cuddly and physical at the same time may fill more than one of her needs. You could offer to trade massages with her, or brush each other's hair.

The controlling thing isn't necessarily a reaction to something in her past - some kids go through a stage where they want to control the people around them. It can be a long stage - we're talking years, not weeks or months. Finding ways for her to take charge of a Lot of her environment can help fill that need somewhat so that when she can't control other people its at least within a context of empowerment in general. It is frustrating, though, and often it means cutting down time with same-age friends to short durations and keeping a careful watch on her moods. If she's not in a good "head space" to start, its better to cancel a playdate!

She just doesn't seem to know what to do when someone is being childish because they are (of course) a child.

That's a really hard concept for many kids to wrap their minds around. My 7yo still has a hard time with that. I don't know when my 15yo finally understood that... 9 or 10 maybe, and most of his friends have been adults rather than kids. He's now great with both kids and adults, so he didn't "suffer" from having mostly adult friends. If anything he has better social skills than the average teen.

She has gotten so contrary with me and her stepdad! Every so often I remember to step back and realize that she is learning to set boundaries and to make up her own mind about what is right and wrong... but sometimes I get so cheesed off that we both dissolve into tears! I am not proud of my own reactions. I know that in a lot of instances I am trying to be more powerful than her and show her who is boss. .

All this stuff takes practice - its going to take time for you to figure out what works for y'all in terms of communication, and time for you to get in the habit of parenting from your principles, instead of despite them. Be gentle with yourself, but also keep watch for the mixed messages you're undoubtably sending. You may not be able to do anything to change that right away, but you can't change yourself without becomming more self aware.

So, knowing that you sometimes are "trying to be the boss," remember that you are modelling all the time, whether you intend to or not. Notice when You are trying to be in control and ask yourself if its really helpful for you to do that. Again, you may not be able to stop yourself right away - it may take time before you can "catch" yourself in the moment. When you do, you can stop right then, middle of a sentence even, and start over

[Tammy Brooks]

I can answer the question about being a nurse....SHE WILL DO IT!! I know lots of people who became nurses at later ages and non traditional ways. You don't have to go to public schools to become a nurse.

I agree. Although I became a social worker and not a nurse, I never came anywhere close to graduating high school. It might have taken me an extra couple of years to upgrade my sciences, but had that been what I wanted to do, I no doubt would have done it. A good friend's unschooled son is on his way to becoming a doctor without ever having gone to highschool and he seems to be doing fine.

[Bevin]

Thanks again to everyone for the thoughtful replies!

It helped a lot just to write about what was bothering me. Its great to know that I'm not alone on this journey, and I'm so grateful for this website. I really enjoyed the links to other websites too. The "Healing Gap" article was particularly helpful. I am definitely impatient when I learn something new. I want to put it into practice right away, and don't give myself enough time to get used to new things before declaring that I've failed, lol!

I am keeping in mind that our family is going through a lot of changes all at once, and trying to be more gentle with myself and the rest of the family.

Thanks again everyone. :)

[Meredith]

I guess it is too much to expect him to understand that even though mom says she is letting you make your own decisions, you still have to brush your teeth

It is too much too expect - those are contradictory statements. Have you looked into other oral hygiene options besides tooth brushing? Worked on making it more fun? Given him options about where and when and what kind of brush and toothpaste and how long to brush? There are ways to make the decision more his - and by doing so be more consistent. It helps alot to be consistent about your principles (which isn't the same as being consistent about rules). If you value thoughtful decision making, the more options you can offer him, the better. The last thing you want is to back him into conceptual corners where his only options are: resist or comply.

when she says and turn off the computer without complaining, or at least tell her nicely why you would like to do it later

Its important to ask yourself why he shouldn't complain. If you are pushed to do something you'd rather not, don't you complain? It sucks to have to stop doing something fun before one is ready. I'm going to assume your goal isn't for him to "suck it up and be a little man" - but if you don't want him to tell you when he's unhappy, that's exactly the message you are sending him :(

A young child doesn't have a lot of skills for communicating emotions effectively and kindly - heck, not all adults have those skills! Help him feel better about the matter - give him enough time to "fill up" on the things he loves most, help him to transition by giving him something pleasant to move to so he can turn his mind to that and not be stuck with "turn it off". This goes back to what I said about principles and consistency - if you value consideration, then show him what it looks like - be the model of consideration so that he knows on a very personal level what that looks and feels like. The more you can do that, the more he'll be able to offer the same back to you. That's one of the true joys of unschooling - the kinder we are to our kids, the more kindness they will show us in return.