Helping child unwind..

[Andy Cronin]

We have a 4 year old, Deacon, who much like his mother :) is highly sensitive and has a very difficult time unwinding mentally at night to go to sleep. When he was younger we tried a set bed time, but it generally resulted in 45minutes of straight crying and left both of us frustrated. We've since moved away from this approach and have tried to let each of our two boys go to sleep naturally, whatever that time might be. At the same time, my wife and I both want to have time to ourselves in the evenings.

Lately it seems that no matter how tired he obviously is, he has a superhuman ability to stay awake and wants us to play or watch shows with him. This is at 11 or 11:30 at night. He still wakes up at say 7-7:30, and everything during the day just seems harder for him when he isn't getting more sleep. We occasionally try to take them for drives to get them to sleep, but we know that more for us then them, and we don't want that to be the only way they can go to sleep.

The other thing that's hard for me, personally, is that he's most demanding of my wife. He's usually asking her to come out and play or whatever. He's just always really needed Mommy. I'm the one that usually stays up late, and wish that I could take need off of her somewhat to make it easier on her.

How can we help him slow down mentally at night? Is it wrong for us to want that time for ourselves at night? Should we be staying up and playing or watching his shows with him even at 11? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

~Andy

[Katherine]

I swear by the personal size indoor trampoline we got Karl. Such a lifesaver. His dad and I take turns holding his hands so he can jump really high & since he likes that so much and my back can't take it very long he is happy to let Dad do the honors.

If your little one likes playacting, night's a good time to combine play with story, rhyme, rhythm and song. Karl loves telling stories in the dark, and now that he's 5, he's better at it than I am (always was truthfully). He doesn't last as long as he used to.

Computer games are ok, but Karl can do all-nighters so I try other suggestions first. The Gameboy is usually pretty short lived though other's mileage may vary.

Crazy idea... If it's safe, try the occasional tent under the stars and maybe a marshmallow roast.

l don't see anything wrong with riding in the car sometimes. It won't be forever. We haven't done that in a long time.

[Kristen Wheatley]

My 5 year old stays up late too, but he sleeps in. We had a similar issue last year with him not wanting to go to bed. We did find it helpful to turn the TV off about an hour or so (or more)before the time we were hoping he would go to bed. This seemed more helpful than our attempts at leading him into quieter activities prior to bedtime. Many younger children also thrive on bedtime routines. Our son cleans up, brushes his teeth, kisses and hugs everyone goodnight, and then I go up to his room and we read a few stories in his bed. We didn't really organize or arrange for this routine, it just kind of fell into place. We are not anti TV, but the constant hum of noise before bedtime really seemed to rev up our son.

[Meredith]

How can we help him slow down mentally at night?

Does he really need to? He may not. Its valuble to question the idea of "needing to unwind" or settle down, or otherwise have a calm period before sleep. Some kids need that, for sure, but not all! Neither of my kids have ever settled down to sleep (nor their dad, for that matter). They play until they fall asleep. So letting go of the idea that I had to somehow create or manage a transition for them helped me figure out how I was going to go about my own "unwinding" in the midst of that. For me that has meant taking some time earlier in the evening to set things up for when I'm getting too tired to be very helpful - having snacks and drinks ready and easily accessible, making sure there are interesting toys or projects ready to go, that sort of thing. That way, by the time I'd be running out of steam I could sit (or lie) down and switch to interacting verbally.

no matter how tired he obviously is, he has a superhuman ability to stay awake

Some of that is that he's resisting your attempts to get him to settle down/sleep. Kids seem to be able to tell even if you're just hoping they'll go to sleep soon. We communicate more than we realize, sometimes. Shifting away from expecting your guy to sleep on a timeframe convienient to anyone else can help enormously. It lowers your stress, since you're not fighting the inevitable. It also will lower his stress - he won't need to resist so he's better able to attend to his body's normal rhythms. So he's more likely to go to sleep when he's tired.

Consider planning to stay up all night with him a few nights in a row - its a really fantastic way to let him know that there's nothing for him to resist anymore. If you're planning for it, expecting it, then you have the luxury of expecting the next days to be out-of-whack. That helps! Expecting a tired kid to act normally (even hoping for it, for that matter) will leave you frustrated every time. So expect tired and plan for that - if you're the work-a-day parent, offer to do any errands before coming home from work so mom doesn't have to go out. Maybe plan some easy meals or take-out.

...wish that I could take need off of her somewhat to make it easier on her.

If you can't help directly with kid-stuff (and for lots of little kids, only mom will do, wait a couple more years, that will change!) help with everything else - food and cleaning and errands, all the things that set the family up for easier times together. That's something you can do anytime, but especially if you know mom and kids were up late the night before you can make the next day easier simply by being extra thoughtful (make their lunch before you leave for work). You might also see if there are ways to help more with your other child.

Should we be staying up and playing or watching his shows with him even at 11?

Some kids are more social than others. If he needs someone, its unkind to leave him to his own devices. Watching shows or movies can be a good "compromise" way for a parent and kid to hang out while the parent sort of zones out or even dozes. We used to have designated movies for nighttime so Mo could sit in bed with me and watch a movie - mellower things with more music and less voices were helpful for me.

Is it wrong for us to want that time for ourselves at night?

Wrong? no. But it doesn't sound terribly practical, under the circumstances. Find other times and ways to get your needs met! Be creative. Pull apart what it is about "time for ourselves at night" that is meeting your needs - I suspect there are several needs all balled up together there. Look for way to meet them separately. Romance? Bring home flowers. Send naughty emails or text messages from work. Find someone the kids want to spend a day with and make a date. Non-romantic adult connection? work that into the interactions with the kids. Learn the art of making conversation while playing Candyland (or whatever). Get away from the idea that adult chit-chat should be something separate from spending time with the kids - its possible to do both at once. Alone time? Down time? Even if the one child needs a lot of "mommy" offer to take the other child out of the mix - go for a walk, do a project together, go to the store. Its amazing how much more relaxing it can be to spend time with one child instead of two. Plus, as I mentioned before, anything you can do to streamline the household stuff will free up more time and energy that mom can use to unwind.

[diana (hahamommy)]

Before reading the fabulous advice you've already received, I want to mention what really worked for DH and I -- Our marriage was meant forever, the amount of *that* time occupied by small children was a mere blip! There will be PLENTY of regularly-scheduled alone time when you're no longer as acutely necessary to the kids -- and that, too, will be a bittersweet realization ;)
For now, I'd trust that he'll trust you both not to put him to bed against his will & he'll settle down on his own... and "this too shall pass" <3