How do you learn to just shut up??

[Melinda Auld]

Hi everyone

 

I am after some help and advice, please.

 

I need to learn how to shut my mouth.  I need to learn how to switch off that "conventional parent" voice in my head that just seems to take over my tongue and makes it say a whole heap of stuff that my brain - and my heart! - doesn't want me to say.  I hear myself saying stuff sometimes, and even though I'm telling myself, "Shut up!  Shut up, woman!!  Why are you saying this?!" I just can't seem to stop it all coming out.

 

It's like a drug addiction.  It's like I have to say it - like I won't feel like a "proper parent" until I say it - even though I know it's the wrong thing to say.  And then, as soon as I do, I feel that awful guilt and swear I'll never do it again...until next time.

 

I know better.  I really, truly do.  And to be fair to myself (which is certainly part of the problem - the more I tell myself I suck at it, the more I will) I do succeed 50% of the time.  Maybe even 80% of the time.  But I know it's the remainder that will stand in the way of unschooling truly succeeding.  Not to mention our relationship.

 

An example:  (and I am very, very ashamed of this)

 

This morning, she spilled some milk on the lounge.  I cleaned it up, no problem.  No anger or blame.  I just said something like, "Oh, I see some milk spilled.  No worries.  I'll get the cloth," and cleaned it.  While I was at the sink, I saw her pour the remainder of her cup of milk over the lounge.  The conventional parent just took over.  "Why did you DO that!?  What's wrong with you?!  That's it - from now on, no milk on the lounge if you can't keep from spilling!"

 

The whole time, I was telling myself to shutupshutupshutup.  She's only young.  If you knew she might spill again (or pour it, as the case may be) maybe you shouldn't have set her up to fail and should have provided her with a cup with a lid on.  And yet I couldn't.  I stomped over to her and grabbed her cup away from her - roughly enough to make her cry.

 

We did talk about it later, and I apologised and asked her what I should do next time.  She said (very wise, for a 2 year old), "Just help me clean it up, Mummy."  I said I would try very hard next time not to get angry and to remember her advice, and that she could remind me if I got it wrong.

 

I don't know.  I know it was a mistake, and I have definitely learned from it.  I guess I am needing to trust that I am at least heading in the right direction...and that it will take practice to get there.

 

What does everyone else do?  How do you shut off your conventional parent?

 

Thanks for reading.

[Melinda Auld]

I just reread my post...and something occurred to me.  Maybe she felt safe enough to pour the milk over the lounge because of my first calm response - in other words, I gave her the freedom and safety to experiment.  And then I stupidly go and ruin her curiosity and joy and trust by being an idiot.

 

But how do I get to see this FIRST and not after I break her trust??

 

 

[Joyce Fetteroll]

It helps to be proactive rather than reactive. Look at what is likely to happen in the current situation. Look at what she has done in the past. And fix it before it happens. That way there are fewer oopses to react to. (Since, of course,there will problems you haven't foreseen.)

 

Apologizing was great. :-)

 

This is more general thoughts on apologies: If a parent keeps apologizing for something she keeps doing over and over, the apology ends up meaning "It's easier for me to apologize than fix why this keeps happening."

 

*** Maybe she felt safe enough to pour the milk over the lounge because of my first calm response - in other words, I gave her the freedom and safety to experiment. ***

 

If she were 6 that might be true. She's 2. They're kind of in the moment creatures. :-) She was curious, she took action and probably wasn't thinking much beyond that.

 

Two things:

 

1) Respect the need to pour. See what she's trying to do which is play with liquid. Think in terms of things she "can* pour. 

 

2) Getting a lid would have been proactive. Maybe it seems too much trouble. So maybe thinking one step ahead, eg, that *might* spill (but might not), think several steps ahead. Picture reacting with anger towards your daughter. Picture yourself having to clean it up. That might help motivate you to put the energy into some prevention :-)

 

I would have said "Let's get that cleaned up. Let's get the paper towels and the cleaner," to involve her in the process as much as she wanted. (Which might just be watching. Which might be tending to something more important for her ;-)

 

Joyce

 

[Melinda Auld]

**1) Respect the need to pour. See what she's trying to do which is play with liquid. Think in terms of things she "can* pour. **

She does have access to things she can pour, whenever she likes.  She's really into pouring right now, so I provide her with stuff to play around with - cups and rice and beads and water.  Obviously, she doesn't really connect the difference between pouring those for fun, and pouring her milk for fun too.  However, I should have!

 

**2) Getting a lid would have been proactive. Maybe it seems too much trouble. So maybe thinking one step ahead, eg, that *might* spill (but might not), think several steps ahead.**

She had already chosen her own cup, on this occasion.  I have them in the cupboard on a lower level where she can reach them and choose her own when she wants a drink.  I did think about suggesting one with a lid, but lately this has been met with a (very reasonable) "No!  I want the pink one," (or whatever she has chosen).  I was torn, because I didn't want to negate her choice, but I knew there was a possibility she might spill.  Because I was prepared, I think that's why I didn't mind when she spilled the first time.  It was the pouring that sent me into conventional parent mode.  I think I saw it (in my mind) as deliberate...even as that same mind knew it wasn't, and knew I was being crazy for over-reacting the way I did.

 

I think maybe I need to put a big poster that says, "STOP AND THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK" on the wall so I can have that literal reminder.  Maybe it will eventually become second nature!

 

 

[Meredith]

Something to keep in mind, too, is that you can Stop after you've started. The moment you think "what am I saying?" stop talking. Stop in the middle of a sentence and appologize, take a few deep breaths and try to find something else to say. That's a good first step! You can move up to taking that deep breath First with practice ;)

 

It can also help not to thinK "every time" - do something different Next Time. That feels less overwhelming than changing alllllll your reactions. Change one interaction at a time.

 

If there are situations which come up regularly, it can help to brainstorm some alternatives beforehand so that you're not left with "nothing to say" on the one hand and the same old stuff on the other.

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-I know better.  I really, truly do.-=-

 

You don't, or you would do better. 

 

I haven't read the other comments or even the rest of your post, but I will tell you a couple of things.  Saying "I already know" while you're asking for help is not helpful.  And there's a sound file at the bottom of this page that WILL help, if you will listen to it and practice thinking of two choices before you act or speak.   

 

 [at the bottom of THIS page:  http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully ]

 

Another thing that will help is breathing out before you speak.   Out, not in.  In might just give you volume for your regrettable tirade.  Out will require you to breathe back in before you speak, and the new breath will be a good one, full of oxygen, because you've breathed out what was you your lungs before.   The will take a full second, or two or three, and by then you might be able to make a conscious choice.

 

Anytime you act without thinking, you've acted thoughtlessly.

 

Sandra

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-It's like a drug addiction.  It's like I have to say it - like I won't feel like a "proper parent" until I say it - even though I know it's the wrong thing to say.  And then, as soon as I do, I feel that awful guilt and swear I'll never do it again...until next time.-=-

 

That sounds like abuse.  It sounds like what those who physically abuse others say--that they feel like they have to do it, and they feel guilty and swear never to do it every single repetitive time.    You don't need anger management classes, though (not yet), because lots of the little tools unschoolers use will help you.

 

-=-This morning, she spilled some milk on the lounge.  I cleaned it up, no problem.  No anger or blame.  I just said something like, "Oh, I see some milk spilled.  No worries.  I'll get the cloth," and cleaned it.  While I was at the sink, I saw her pour the remainder of her cup of milk over the lounge.  The conventional parent just took over.  "Why did you DO that!?  What's wrong with you?!  That's it - from now on, no milk on the lounge if you can't keep from spilling!"-=-

 

You confused pouring with spilling.

If you SAW her pour it, she did not "spill" it.  Because you're confused, then she's confused.

 

I would be angry if someone (anyone) POURED liquid out on my furniture.  But the other night at Kirby's party a guy broke glass (and he and a friend cleaned it up right away), and the same guy spilled beer from a cup later.   SAME GUY!  But he was apologetic and eager to clean it and so I didn't mind.   But they were both accidents.  If I had seen ANYone purposely and knowingly just pour something on the floor, or break glass in my house, I would have thrown him out and if he didn't go, I would have asked some of the biggest men there to get him out, and if that hadn't worked I would have called the police.

 

The difference between an accident and purposeful damage is huge.  So for the sake of improving your relationship with your daughter, think of those things too.  Motives count.  Ability counts.

She's two.  She should have a cup with a lid.  You've set her up to fail, in a situation where the adult isn't practiced in making good decisions, yet.  That's not safe for her.  Use cups with lids.  

 

-=-I guess I am needing to trust that I am at least heading in the right direction...and that it will take practice to get there.-=

 

Are you making it our responsibility to reassure you and coach you?  Will words you read from strangers fulfill your need to trust something about yourself?  If people here did not respond, would you continue as you are and not feel as bad about it?  If people here say you're not being a good mom, will you give up entirely?   (Don't answer these questions here, just in your head.   I'm pointing out an oddity in the way you've asked, that might help you think about what's making you self-conscious and stuck in being your mom, or whatever it feels like to you.)

 

-=-How do you shut off your conventional parent?-=-

 

http://sandradodd.com/choices

[Melinda Auld]

Thanks for the link to to that sound file, Sandra.  It was exactly what I was looking for.  Is there anywhere I can find the rest of it?  It seems to end mid-sentence.

 

Thanks.

[Brian Heagney]

It sounds like Sandra covered everything, but I wanted to add this, since I remember it extremely vividly, and I think about it a lot since my daughter is at the pouring stage.

 

I was about 2  or 3 years old or so at the time, my twin sister's were having their birthday party and we were having red kool-aid in wax-coated paper cups in the back yard.  I remember thinking to myself something along the lines of "what's the difference between the drops in the cup, and empty...how can I tell if my cup has a little bit left or if it's empty?" 

When I looked over to my right, one of the girls at the party was wearing a white blouse.  I remember thinking that if I turned the cup over her blouse, I could tell if the cup had more usable drops in it if the drops dropped onto her blouse.  So I carefully turned it over onto her shoulder, and sure enough, the drops turned her blouse red...I was very pleased, until the girl started screaming, and my parents took the cup away and "scolded" me...I actually don't remember feeling bad from being scolded, but I do remember my confusion as to what was wrong with what I did.

 

This all to say, yeah, Sandra's point about remembering that there was not intention on being  malicious, she was exploring in a way that was acceptable, just not in that context...which will take a wile to figure out. 

[Sandra Dodd]

Melinda Auld said:

Thanks for the link to to that sound file, Sandra.  It was exactly what I was looking for.  Is there anywhere I can find the rest of it?  It seems to end mid-sentence.

 

Thanks.

 

If it was already in the second half, it might just end that way.  If you were listening to the first half, you might need to follow the link that was provided there to the second half.

[Claire Lotus]

The first step is awareness.  You now see something that you'd like to change, and you CAN change it.

 

I was raised by someone that was very verbally abusive.  So, I know what it feels like to be on the other end.  I also know that she did not EVER see what she was doing as wrong, nor did she ever come back and apologize for the things that she said.  You are making the first moves toward a new sphere of availability!  Great for you and DC!

 

You know none of us is perfect.  I'm sure all of us has been frustrated and perhaps even said something we later regretted.  What has helped me immensely is first forgive myself for have these old knee-jerk reactions.  Second, since I can only expect a youth to act like a youth, it must be me that has to change.  I have been practicing meditation every day for years, and besides the epiphanies that I glean from that time, I also benefit from being centered and able to re-find my balance and act out of a compassionate place quicker and with more ease.  Sometimes when I think my language is about to reflect a negative emotion, I begin with a mantra that I've been working with for a couple of years.  I use it everywhere.  It helps me to remember what my True self, (not my emotional self, or my self that was produced by my past), really wants to experience.