How to persuade family and husband?

[Sam Allison]

Hi,

I've only just found this forum and haven't been through everything yet so apologies if this has been covered somewhere before.

 

I really want to keep my son at home, always have but he went to school last September like everyone else as my husband and the rest of the family were against me keeping him home (reasons against ranged from me not coping/not being qualified to him missing out on socialisation etc)  I've read everything I can find on the web and have a couple of book on order from amazon so I know that these reasons are rubbish and have told them the reasons for not sending him to school, but they don't seem convinced.

 

He enjoys school but I feel they are pushing him far too much, he's the youngest in his year (nearly 5) and already I've had his teacher telling my he need to work more on his reading (I read to him alot and listen if he wants to read but I never sit him down and make him read!)!   And his behaviour has got much worse since he started school.  The other 'problem' is that he says he likes school.... I've asked him if he would like to stay home and learn with me but he says he wants to go to school.

 

Would I be best leaving it until he decides he doesn't like school anymore and then getting him out of there (it is a good school, tiny country school - only 7 in his year, all the kids are lovely, very good OFSTED reports), or should I keep trying to persude my husband and get him out sooner (while he still enjoys going?)

 

For what it's worth I think the 'enjoying school' comes more from the fact that at the minute they are allowed to play most of the time and he is a very outgoing boy so he enjoys mixing with the other kids, rather than him actually enjoying the work/teaching side of school.

 

Thanks Sam

 

 

[Sandra Dodd]

-=- I've read everything I can find on the web and have a couple of book on order from amazon so I know that these reasons are rubbish -=-

They think your ideas are rubbish, too.
The first step will be trying to understand and respond to their concerns.

But the real answer to how to persuade others is "gradually."

-=-Would I be best leaving it until he decides he doesn't like school anymore and then getting him out of there -=-

Yes to the first part, not to the second part.
While he's still in school, you could work on softening your view and attitude. "Get him out of there" isn't as pure and sweet as "welcome him home."

These might help:
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
http://sandradodd.com/spouses
http://sandradodd.com/relatives/
http://sandradodd.com/divorce

-=- The other 'problem' is that he says he likes school.... I've asked him if he would like to stay home and learn with me but he says he wants to go to school.-=-

If he likes it, and you take him home, then you will create the bad environment school so often does: Children are there against their will.

Some homeschoolers are home against their will, and that's no way to have a loving, trusting relationship. You can't "make him" like unschooling. It needs to be appealing, sweet, and peaceful.

If your husband is opposed, you can't do it. If you wanted to buy an airplane or a yacht and your husband didn't want to, you couldn't/wouldn't (or would risk divorce over it).

[Teresa]

I wonder if there is a homeschooling group around you that is holding summer get-togethers--fun stuff such as picnics, days at the lake/beach, trips to the museum, etc. That might give your son a chance to have a good time and make social connections with kids who aren't going back to school in the fall, and your husband a chance to talk to other parents who are doing something different.

[Meredith]

Do you live with extended family? If not, why the need for their approval? Is it that you need their support? Some adults need more support as parents than others, just like some kids need more attention or support, but if you need that extra support then unschooling may not be a good fit for you.

If you want to unschool the first step is to make "home" more attractive. Teresa had good suggestions for handling the social side of things, but its just as important to make home itself a warm, enjoyable place to be - warmer and more enjoyable than school. If its not, then there's no reason for your son to want to be home and no reason for your husband to want his son home!

Unschooling isn't just about stepping away from rules and schedules, its about giving kids more of what they really need - they don't need rules and externally derived schedules, but they do need an enviroment that's responsive and welcoming to them as people. The more you can make your home responsive and welcoming to your child the more people around you are likely to agree that homeschooling (don't even bring up unschooling for now) is something you can handle.

his behaviour has got much worse since he started school

Step away from the idea that school is the problem for a moment. Behavior is a means of communication and "bad" behavior communicates that some need or needs are going unmet. Actively look for those needs and ways to fill them! That's something that helps unschooling but it helps with kids who aren't unschooling too - its good parenting! So what's lacking in his life? Is he full of energy after sitting too long at school? Then look for ways for him to run around and have active fun when he gets home. Is it that he's tired and wants to chill out and you're expecting him to do other things? Kids often need a break after school, time to relax from the rigors of the day. Is it that he's "trying out" behaviors that he learned from other kids? I'll tell you something about that - unschooling kids do that too. They try out things they see on playgrounds and tv. Its up to you to help them work through that in ways that are sensitive to other people. What that entails I couldn't really say without knowing details.

Its totally possible to be the kind of loving supportive parent you want to be while still having a child in school. School doesn't Have to be a total negative - and you have the advantage of a small school, with less of the issues that naturally arise from packing nearly three dozen children into a class with one teacher.

[Bettina Zhula Maroni]

Hi

I agree with what the others said and would only like to add one thing: If the teacher tells says that he should work more on his reading, I would really try to support my child. I don't know whether the teacher is open to new ideas such as "children learning at their own pace" or "intrinsic motivation" or whatever. But even if the teacher is quite convinced that children have to be forced, you can support your son while he is in school (contrary to other parents who take the position of the school against their children).

[JennyStar]

(reasons against ranged from me not coping/not being qualified to him missing out on socialisation etc)

(it is a good school, tiny country school - only 7 in his year, all the kids are lovely

For what it's worth I think the 'enjoying school' comes more from the fact that at the minute they are allowed to play most of the time and he is a very outgoing boy so he enjoys mixing with the other kids

Your husband may actually have a point on the socialization issue. Not the one that people typically think of in regards to homeschooling, but if you live in an area with few children, I'd be willing to bet that there are even fewer homeschooling children.

If your son IS really social and there are no other kids to be with and play with during the day, school may be a great place for him, for now.

When and if circumstances change and your son finds school distasteful, then you could address homeschooling again. In the mean time understand it well, have good reasons that your husband will find good too. What are your reasons now? Perhaps that would be a good place to start, and get feedback from others on good ways to address those reasons.

What I've seen over the years is this; Kids in school that have kind, gentle, and respectful parents will generally do well in school. More traditional parents who use punishments as control mechanisms, or who try to control behavior, for school performance, will often have kids who rebel against it, some in outright ways, some in sneaky ways, but generally the kids don't do so well in school. This is based solely on my own experiences and what I've witnessed both having been a kid in school and as an adult who knows kids in school.

So, even if you are never able to homeschool or unschool, learning how to be kind and respectful of your child during the process of growing up with school could still save him from unnecessary harm. You can be his buffer, his safe place, and you could be the one who does damage control.