How were you raised?

[Jen]

I'm fairly new to this message board, so forgive me if this has been discussed to death before! I didn't see anything in the brief section of the archives I looked through.

The thread about CIO/unschooling/etc. got me thinking about the way we all were raised. I only have one other unschooling friend in real life, and we were both raised in similar environments: by controlling, uber-religious parents who ruled with an "iron fist" so to speak. My want to do things differently than my parents did is what sparked my research and led me to AP/unschooling/etc. Until I had children of my own, I don't think I even realized that there were parents who did things differently than mine did.

So, I thought I'd ask here...what was your childhood like? How much did it influence the way you parent (or the way you don't parent) your own children? Were any of you raised the way you're raising your children now? If so, was there ever a time you thought you would do things differently?

[Karen N]

I've just wrote a long post to this but thought it was too long, detailed and personal so just to say - i fit that description quite well too - raised in a fundamentalist christian home, very controlling and volitile mother, bullied at school and hated it. Yes all these things influence my parenting but i think everyone it influenced by the way they were parented whether they realise it or not and whether they are intentional about it or not - ie deciding delibrately to do things different cos it was so bad or the same cos it was so good!

[Slinky]

I also started writing out a post but found it to be far to long and personal to post. I was raised by generational strict Mormons my dad was an upper level university professor my mom a career university student as classes were cheap for her who now also teaches . My Childhood was all about finding out what was wrong with me and attempting to fix me through behavioral therapy, focusing on my negatives and exposure in an attempt to desensitize me to the things that hurt me. I went on to experience severe sexual abuse and brainwash outside the home as a teen and was lucky to escape let alone recover as I have.

When it became crystal clear that the hell of school was the same for my daughter who did not have the medical issues that were supposedly the blame for my school experience being hell I decided I would rather have a complete imbecile then subject her to that social environment day after day.

[Amanda]

I just blogged about this as well. I was raised in a overbaring, overscheduled, overdemanding, strict punishment enforced environment. I knew I wanted none of that with my daughter :)

[angie]

i had quite an affectionate family until i was about 9-10.

my mother was always very caring and nurturing until my age hit double figures, both parents seemed to back off with the emotional and physical contact.

I actually remember asking my dad for a hug and being told i was too old for all that!

my mum was exactly the opposite to your mum, she hated the church and all forms of religion.

I on the other hand would sneak off to sing at "sunshine corner" (Sunday school and youth group) .

my father was very strict and domineering and made me and my brothers afraid of him most of the time...i knew i didn't want to repeat this!

anyway i could go on for days... what made me decide to back off and chill with my son was his early emotional problems.

I take him to church sometimes too, we have a family friend who is a minister (female)

however i would never push my feelings or beliefs on him but i do try to answer his questions about religion, he recently started to say his prayers before going to bed (not every night)...

he has shown interest in many and varied subjects and i try to facilitate his needs by following the RU philosophy
Angie

[C. D. Eagle]

I was spanked, hit, had my hair pulled, hit with the spatula, cursed at, screamed at, wow now that I actually write this down, it seems really harsh LoL. Both my parents should not have had kids because they were inexperienced and clearly not ready, but alas they did and regardless I am happy to be alive lol. I have talked to my parents about this BTW and they both apologized and genuinely felt bad, my mom specifically said she would hit herself after she hit me or my brother and ask herself how she liked it. I know they both love me and to be honest I could care less about their past parenting because they did always care and love me and my brother they just didn't know anything about parenting and children.

I was also sent to public/private schools. I had to deal with bullies (when I say bullies I am including most of my teachers lol) and all the nonsense that school creates such as peer pressure, forced awkward unrealistic socialization, and what not.

I was raised catholic and my dad was a staunch catholic and conservative republican.

Needless to say now I will follow the radical unschooling philosophies when I have kids, I am also an atheist anarchist, lol. For some reason I was not too affected by the influence of my parents and the people around me and easily shrugged it off when I researched different things. Must of been all those video games my parents hated LoL I love video games.

[Sara]

I was born to a teen drug addict mom and a feral twenty-something dad who lived in the woods. I grew up with my mom. She was a mess. I took care of her and my 3 younger sibs as best I could. My mother was very expressively affectionate and loving, but neglectful when it came to actually keeping herself and her kids safe.

I took the best of her, the loving and unconventional freedom, and left the chaotic dangerous lifestyle. She definitely inspired me and influenced my parenting choices. I developed more of a relationship with my dad in later years. Both my parents were good, loving, but unhappy people. They both inspired me to actively seek a joyful life. I didn't want to live as lost a life as they appeared to.

[Sarah]

Like many others who have already answered, I was raised in a very religious (Mormon) family. My mother had mental issues that were swept under the rug so as to keep up the image of a sufficiently righteous family. Sweeping it under the rug like that allowed the issues to get bigger and bigger which led to worse and worse abuse for us kids. My father avoided the whole situation, ignored the abuse, and contributed some of his own at times.

My childhood absolutely influences the way I parent (and don't parent). I don't hit my children, demean them, starve them, make them feel responsible for the crucifixion of a man 2000 years ago, cover up sexual abuse, etc. etc.

Because of my childhood, I can't coast through parenting like most of those I know do. I have to parent consciously every minute of the day. I've been doing it so long that I'm almost doing it unconsciously. ;) But I'm doing ok. I can say that I'm not a bad parent. I can say that I'm a good parent. My parents couldn't say that, but I can.

This way of life, peaceful parenting, radical unschooling, whatever you label it, has been my salvation as a person. The growth I've made as a person because of my position as parent has been absolutely amazing and I can't imagine parenting my vibrant children any other way.

[Charissa Vaunderbroad]

I was raised in a variety of different environments throughout my life and took a little here and there, I lived with my parents when they were happy and young with a variety of animals and lots of projects and art, my dad had to quit school and work when he was 13 and was very into self education saw school as something rich kids needed, my mom had a very strict and educated life as the daughter of free mason christian scientists. when I was young they were poor artists and our life was chaotic but there was a lot of love then we moved in with my grandfather to take care of him and that's when the family grew apart and they got caught up in controlling and abusive behaviors. I spent some time in foster homes and learned a lot about different familial expectations. I am grateful for my parents being so artistic and loving but they never really were able to parent the way they wanted because of their own relationship being so dysfunctional.

I had a very eclectic education and had a lot of fun in school when I was allowed to make my own decisions. When Phoe was a baby we parented intuitively and practiced attachment parenting and then when Phoe was older we started homeschooling and then went to an eclectic approach and then an unschooling approach. we made a lot of mistakes over the years and repeated some of our families dysfunctions but it is a journey and we have learned from our mistakes and our highest priority is to respect each other and have a caring and fun connection. I just think that every moment we are making memories that can last generations.
We do our best.

[Monica Manzano]

I'm 44yo and it's a bit hard to remember. I can describe up to a point, then I need help. Perhaps I need some memory regression therapy! Joking.
Let me see, my family is Mexican American, I grew up in a small agricultural town, 90 miles from the US-Mexico Border. Both of my parents were teachers. My Dad spent 6 years in the military previous to VietNam. So he had some habits influence by various ideas.
I consider my parents strict Catholics. However, at this time my dad is 75, and he says some things that reveal he's not totally sold.
I would say that my childhood was difficult. Perhaps some days I feel it was harsh. These are our differences. First, the area we lived in is actually poor, so my parents were very focused on teaching (work). I lived in the same town with many many cousins. Some reunions had a tally of 80 people. I'd even go so far as to say that there are many people in town actually related to each other.
Second, my Grandma came to live with us about 1970 or 1971. She was suffering from Parkinson's disease. For eleven years, from age 6 to age 16, or so I saw the gradual process of the disease. Mom has said many times that I thought of her as my sister. So in my head it's possible I had 'sibling rivalry' visavis working to get attention from my Mom from my Gm.
Also, my sis. was adopted around the same time as Grandma, the Nuns brought her to the house. She is 6 years younger than I. So you could see, that at age 6, my mom was distracted.
Third, I suffered from lung collapse at age 5, and I began my asthma journey. Asthma became my scarry thing. Even to this day, if I get sick, EVERYTHING stops.
But the initially question was on parenting. The way I perceive it my parents were very strict. No fierce discipline, no hitting. I got sent to my room several times. The most extreme thing was social isolation and or embarrassment. Being belittled in front of other cousins or relatives. I consider myself a social outcast, I have family that doesn't talk to me.
But I figure with new knowledge, it wasn't really me. I may have had someone in my family bully me. They set it up in the things they said and did. The new knowledge is called Asperger's syndrome.
One thing is certain, I attempt to distinguish between what I perceive and what really happened as best that I can. I have teenagers, ages 13 and 15. I have attempted to be gentle, understanding, but logically. I attempt to be most patient, and give my full attention.
Oh, this is another theme I could go on and on.

The bad thing I may do a lot is give the ultimate sacrifices for my children. I'm well known to neglect myself, my health, in favor of my children. I know exactly where I learned this behavior. My mom did it for her mom. She sacrificed her career for 11 years. Better stop now, I may have made this too long. mm