I would like to have some inputs about Candy. Thanks in advance

[Joy larson]

We have been following unschooling philosophy in the last couple of weeks and have seen some amazing results.

The unschooling philosophies I have been following:
1. Say "yes".

2. Get down on the floor and play with my children instead of doing other "important" things.

3. Respect him the way I would treat other adults: looking for consensus before I do things, ask what he wants and his opinions and the etc.

4. Discover lots of new interests and explore them. I actually had more fun than him by rekindling my curiosity and interest in many things: for example, we made our first candle and was amazed how low the melting temperature was (instead of memorizing the temperature in my chemistry class in high school)

5. I reinstated TV time. Whenever he wants to watch, I let him. We watched movies together, Wall-E, and other children's programs. We played video games together and had lots of fun instead of frowing on it in the past.

6. I prepared "monkey plate", and we enjoyed different snacks together

7. I stop nagging him to say "please, thank you". Instead, I exaggerate a little bit when I say those words. This morning, he(4 yo) told me, mama, I will say hi to people and say please and thank you.

8....

And the results were amazing:
1. He told me he loves me many times a day. He used to say a lot "I don't like it, I don't like you"

2. Much more laughter and less crying in the house

3. He is more cooperative on my other requests: brushing teeth, throwing garbage in the can, cleaning up, turning off TV. He did those volentarily instead of going through big fights.

4. I am more relaxed. We wake up both happy and chat a little bit before we get off bed. In the past, every night I felt drained, defeated, exhaused and inadequate.

.....

anyhow, long story short. I still have lots of questions. One of them is candy. My four years old son has never had candy until 3 yo introduced by other people. Now he likes candy. He understands self constrain. He always tells me he will eat one and keep the other one for tomorrow. He does ask my permission whenever he wants to eat candy even though he has candy in his hand. But he eats more candy than I would like. In the last two three days he may have as many as 4 candies a day, 3 or 4 ice cream sandwiches. I don't know what I should do. I am concerned about his teeth and too much sugar consumption.

I don't mind him watching TV (video), but I am concerned about his eyes.

I don't really like eating while watching TV, but I am concerned about his digestion.

Any suggestions?

Thanks in advance

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-Now he likes candy. He understands self constrain. He always tells me he will eat one and keep the other one for tomorrow.-=-

He doesn't "understand self constraint." He's four.

Limits are limits; counting is counting. He will want candy more with limits.

These things should help you see the differences between control and choices:
http://sandradodd.com/self-regulation
http://sandradodd.com/limits
http://sandradodd.com/control
http://sandradodd.com/rules

-=-
I don't mind him watching TV (video), but I am concerned about his eyes.-=-
I don't really like eating while watching TV, but I am concerned about his digestion.-=-

I don't know of any problems with eyes or digestion that would come from eating while watching TV.

[Meredith]

It might help you to do some research into oral hygiene and dental health - read about bacteria and mouth pH and the cycle of demineralization and remineralization. There's a lot more to it than sugar, and it may calm your nerves *and* give you some ideas for things you can do other than limiting. I've found it helpful, over and over, when I want to limit something to turn the question around and ask what can I offer to Go Along With this? It may not be something imediate, like eating cheese along with that candy, it could be something like buying a new flavor of toothpaste to make brushing more attractive, or buying a pack of gum with xylitol.

Like Sandra, I've never heard of eye or digestive problems being related to tv. Both my kids have great vision, and no digestive problems that I know of. I do know that old wives tales of going blind from reading in dim light or doing fine needlework are just that, so it may be you've heard some similar "new wives tales" as it were, about tv/computers.

[Joyce Fetteroll]

** Now he likes candy. **

What his body craves is quick energy. Picture him as a little hunter gatherer out in the natural world. It wouldn't make sense for him to fill up on meat and vegetables. They're slow to digest and the energy is released slowly. He needs energy fast and he doesn't want to slow down to get it. Kids stomachs are tiny. They can't hold much food. *He's* eating exactly as his body needs. You're saying, "No, you're body is wrong. I know your body better than you do."

I think adults tend to think they're more intelligent and refined because Cap'n Crunch cereal is just gross to them and they can't understand why kids can stomach it. But kids' bodies need the energy fast. Adults aren't more refined. They're just different. Both bodies are sending clear signals about what they need. It makes no more sense for an adult to say a child shouldn't like super sweet food than for a child to say and adult should.

He *will* eat things other than candy when those other things are quick and easy -- or easier! -- so he doesn't need to slow down.

Monkey platters. Lots of pictures. Click on the link to go to explanations.

** He understands self constrain. He always tells me he will eat one and keep the other one for tomorrow. **

He can parrot back the words you've told him. That's not the same as understanding. It's definitely not the same as agreeing!

What if your husband told you you could only read a page a day out of your favorite book or your eyes would go bad. What if you knew he'd be disappointed in you if you read more than one page because it would seem to him you weren't quite smart enough to get his message and you were making obvious bad choices? Would you say "Okay!" What if when you sneakily read two pages your eyes didn't feel any different? Would you not test your limits just because your husband told you to believe his truth? Would you not wonder why his truth and your truth were different?

What you're saying to your son makes as little sense to him. But he trust you. He's saying, "Life is too complex for me to figure out so I just need to believe what Mom says. Even when it makes no sense. Even when my body is saying she's wrong."

It's *convenient* when kids just believe us and do what we tell them. It's not a good life strategy! Schools spend 12 years telling kids what's important to know. Then people are upset when the kids can't think for themselves.

The best cure for fears is knowledge and understanding. There's lots of information at Sandra's site and mine about how kids really are -- not how control makes it appear they are! -- when they're given choices.

Joyfully Rejoycing
Radical Unschooling

[Joy larson]

Dear Sandra, Meredith, and Joyce;

I really appreciate your replies. To be honest, when I first read Sandra and Meredith's replies, I didn't get it. I was still confused. "So should I set limit or not and what is the limit". I questioned my comprehensive capability and mastery of English as second language. I read more of Sandra's writing on her website and the big book I have been reading. I read more of Joyce's website. I enjoyed Meredith's replies on this forum. I feel I get it now. It is shocking to me to realize that:
1. The children might have different needs than our adults (how surprising, er, I was so self-centered to realize)

2. The meaning of freedom, choices, limit and self-regulation

3. Trust. Can I really let go and trust myself and my children?

4. I thought I knew better as adult and parent

5. There is always options as Meredith pointed out.

.......

And to report back to all of you that we had a Lollipop party today (unintentionally):

I ordered some organic lollipop on the internet so I thought I could hide it in the house just in case. Somehow I persuaded my son not to eat the one he picked up at my eye doctor's office. I told him the lollipop I ordered would arrive tomorrow.

Door bell rang and my son run to the UPS guy. He was so excited to see the 150 counts lollipop were here. I was excited too. We couldn't wait to open it.

We gave one to my son, one for myself and one for grandma. We looked at each other's flavor. We were laughing and dancing. My son kept saying, mama, look, it is so pretty. two colors. We tried each other's flavor. We even gave my 1 yo daughter a taste of it. She loved the sweet one and made face with the sour one. We did lollipop kiss, touching the end of the sticks. It was PURE JOY! No lecture about how bad sugar is, how sugar ruins your teeth and destroy your life. It was a blast. It was liberating. No judgment, no preconceived bad feeling and guilt accompanied with the simple lollipop.

We had a blast!

After the little episode, my son decided to finish his movie "cars", which he had watched more than 50 times a year ago. He has renewed enthusiasm about this movie and I noticed some details I didn't notice after 50 times watching it. I got a monkey platter in front of him. It had cooked broccoli, cauliflower, cracks, rice ball, carrot and chocolate coated almond. He watched the movie while picking out the broccoli first. After the movie, I cleaned up and found all cauliflower and broccoli were gone.

I want to say "thank you, thank you and thank you for your generous support and charitable cause you are taking on. I would say you have changed my children's life and MY life too.

[Meredith]

You can make your own candy, too, you know, hard candies or even simple soft candies, like fudge. I've made super simple candies using a frosting recipe and nut butter, or cream cheese instead of butter so it gets thick faster. That ends up using less sugar than straight frosting, but it still "sets". You can cut it with little cookie cutters or even squirt it through a cookie press to make shapes. And you can add fun colors, too.

[Sandra Dodd]

Thanks for letting us know you feel better and were ultimately not upset with the advice (even if you were, a bit, at first).

I like the homemade candy idea too, and you can make candy that's more nuts than candy, maybe.

Suckers and lollipops, especially the little flat ones, don't have much to them.

Sandra

[Joy larson]

Candy update:

The first couple of days, I could tell candy and ice cream sandwich were in my son's mind a lot. Every time he wanted a piece of candy and ICS, he would come to ask me. I always said yes. It seemed unreal to him that his requests were so easily granted.

He ate 3-5 lollipops and 3-4 ICS a day. The first thing in his mind when he woke up was either candy or ICS. He would eat ICS first thing in the morning. Daddy was not too happy with that but didn't say anything.

In the last two or three days, he has lost his interest in candy and ICS. It became non-eventful. He said to me, Mom, I don't want to eat ICS before meal any more. He hasn't had any candy in the last two days and had one or two ICS.

The candy and ICS have lost their power being non-restricted items.