Immediate Positive Results-- Thank you all!

[Jacob Seligmann]

Hi y'all. It's me. The guy who came on strong and pissed a lot people off here. I'm sorry! I must have been really on the edge of something and scared and put my fear out there like an attack. Thanks for all your advice and tough love... i've been opening up a lot of new freedom for Naomi in all areas including TV and gone further than i thought i would and i already see amazing results. She's happier. I'm happier. And Joyce is so right. Focusing on our relationship above all else works. It's amazing. I am so grateful for all the insights you've all given. Sandra, Joyce, Jenny, Meredith, Sylvia... and all of you— THANKS! It's amazing. Trusting ourselves and our children and letting go of our fear based parenting and focusing on our relationships and creating beautiful memories and stopping the worry about this or that bad influence has been such a relief and Naomi is quickly becoming more relaxed and joyous. I love it. We're on our way.

[laura b]

this makes me smile!!

i didn't follow your threads so i'm not sure if anyone ever said this to you but here's something that pushed me over that tiny little hill i still needed to get over:

what if your child died tomorrow? would any of "this" matter (fill in the "this" part with food control, tv restriction, bed times, brushing teeth, any of those usual hot topics).

mind blowing, eh?

[Sylvia Toyama]

I'm so happy to hear things are better for your family, Jacob.

As the conversations were ongoing, I began to see that maybe you were at the precipice of real change, but still fighting the inevitability of it. I get that say during transitions -- and I'm really so bad at transitions -- often at my worst and most argumentative just before I make the leap. At one time, I would post to my current dilemma to one unschooling group or another, then as answers came in (many of them very helpful) I'd extol the many reasons why this solution, or that one, simply wouldn't work, why people didn't adequately understand MY particular circumstances and limits. Then, as I stuck with it and really listened to others, I'd be taken over by what I call my 'unavoidable inevitability' which is to say any change within myself I can no longer put off, and which has me terrified, because it feels very much beyond my control. After that, having recognized that my own resistance is the problem, that I'm getting in my own way, I take the leap and just trust I'll figure it out as I go. So far, so good for me. The farther I got down my own path, and the less I thought about what 'other' folks will think of me and my family, the more I came to see I just just don't need or want all the thrashing about it takes to fight.

C'mon over to this side, the rhythm is much sweeter and the kool-aid is mighty tasty, too!

[Sandra Dodd]

Jacob, that's sweet. I hope you don't mind I've put it where people can find it who aren't on this forum, and it links back here.
http://www.sandradodd.com/peace/becoming.html

The coolest thing about unschoolers helping each other is that those "aha!" moments can help make it easier for others later.

[Sarah Dickinson]

How lovely :)

[lis]

This is so great to hear, Jacob. Very encouraging.

[Ren]

Lovely to read. I agree with Sylvia about the whole resisting transitions thing. Going with the flow is very Tao and makes live better....:)

[Jacob Seligmann]

i think about it often,,, so many people aren't willing because of superstition or they just can't handle it, but practicing buddhist meditation and death meditations makes this a regular part of my life... and i totally agree! This is it! They are alive now and let them live it...

!!!

[Jacob Seligmann]

wow! what an experience... the other day, naomi wanted tv during the day which has always been against the "rules" in our house... she's been noticing that we've been much more lax about rules and basically have started really flowing and giving her as much as she wants of everything and so she was testing this new area and i said something like, "but it's still daytime..." not "no" but obviously leaning in that direction. What happened next was just amazing. She proceeded to dump everything in her room on the floor. She wasn't acting angry or in a tantrum at all, just kind of methodically going around dumping everything and acting almost stuck up about it... like "HA! You're not going to do anything because you've always told me this is my room and now i'm really going to show you what kind of power i can wield" I just sat there watching. Breathing. Taking it in. Seeing what was happening and figuring out why. My dad, who is the only person outside our nuclear family who takes care of the girls really, was clearly bothered and told me that he wouldn't allow it and i should have stopped it... that she was looking for me to stop it. I let it continue. At some point, when it just became too much for me to think about cleaning up, i asked her to stop. When she saw what she had done and i told her that it was going to take me all day and all night to clean up (it's still a mess three days later!) she started to well up and told me she felt really bad. I said, well, you can feel bad, but maybe instead you can just concentrate on not doing this again. Don't feel bad, just remember not to do it again because it's really a pain in the tush for me to clean it all up. And then, you know what i did, against all parenting models i've encountered before, against my father's advice, and against my old inclination...????
I gave her the dvd player and let her watch Charlie and Lola while i cleaned up the room. I told her it was probably my fault anyway because i should have just let her watch tv... it was a breakthrough experience and oh the egolessness with which i needed to encounter that mess while she watched tv! Great for my buddhist practice... Thanks again all of you for helping me get the courage to deal with Naomi as a human being with valid feelings and rights and a valid reality who deserves her freedom. And you know what? Since she knows she can watch tv pretty much any time she wants (I'm still not comfortable letting her sit for hours doing that so i do encourage her to come outside and play with us, which seems to be fine with her) she hasn't gone rushing to it at every opportunity... she has a full life with so much to fascinate and entertain her, she's just more relaxed knowing she has the freedom to choose what she wants to do... it's so freeing for all of us and it's just great.... kind of like the same feeling i got when i first decided to homeschool... another level of the experience has just opened wide up...

peace,
Jacob

[Jacob Seligmann]

sure, no problem, thanks for all your years of help! people like you are what make the world a better place! you might want to refer to the post below too... it's a breakthrough moment!

[Jacob Seligmann]

Hey Sylvia,
Thanks... i will come over... i think i'm already almost there...
i saw some of your other posts on that group for that woman who talks about being in the moment...
forgot her name... but i just wanted to let you know i'm with you about hope... i think hope is dope...
and i'm off it as much as possible... i have a new song called hopeless... i am hopeless, finally, happily... cause this is as good as it gets, this is as good as it gets... hope has only gotten me in trouble and i think it is truly delusional... of course there are times when people need it desperately, but let's hope we're not in that kind of situation... there it is again... can't get away from it... always hoping... hope is the opposite of being grateful... have you ever seen http://www.gratefulness.org ? Very nice site... this is really good... i'm so grateful... p.s. hope the situation has improved since those posts... it seems like things were tight for a while... and they are for so many... i hope they're better... and you are too... less hopeful, more grateful!

[Sylvia Toyama]

Jacob,

Not sure where you saw me post -- I post in several places. In reality, I run hot and cold on hope. I consider myself an optimist, but sometimes the intensity is just too big. I can be very hope-filled when thing are going along well -- it's when others tell me to be hopeful that I feel patronized. Gratitude, too, is something that has to be my idea or it's just won't sell. And, yeah, sometimes I know I'm being ungrateful - usually when I'm not done being angry just yet. It happens.

Yes, things are better -- at least they will be very in just a few days. My husband, Gary, landed a local job so he'll be home nights and weekends, which is exactly what we all need. The hiring process took 4+ wks, which followed 21 months of Gary being away from home 6 days a week. It often was just too much for me.

I did my single mama years. I never wanted to do that again, and yet there I was, thru two winters (and I REALLY don't do winter well -- it's part of why I live in New Mexico).

Thanks for asking.

[JennyStar]

It's amazing isn't it?! Taking that leap of faith is sooo daunting, yet once you do it, WOW, suddenly things are better and the light is brighter and the ideas are clearer and the kids are happier, and that makes everything happier!

Happier is happier is happier! It's so freeing to let go of fear and worry! It's incredible how much we hold onto it, and yet, if we can let it go, things go so much smoother.