interested in unschooling and need some thoughts on the matter

[Jennifer Leighton]

Hello everyone my name is Jenn. I am a SAH mom of 3. Both my boys, ages 13 and 8, go to public school. Both of my boys were labeled "slow readers" in 1st grade and held back for this very reason. My middle son has been labeled "special needs" also because he is a super energetic, easily frustrated, often aggressive child. When I was forced to work after a divorce in early 2005 I had no choice but to have him see doctors so he could be "controlled". We started on meds in 2006 and things were CRAZY to say the least. All these drugs and no real improvement. To skip forward a bit I remarried in mid 2007 and got pregnant with my daughter early 2008. At that time I chose to stay home for the sake of everyone. I have been looking into unschooling for awhile. Homeschooling with curriculum does not appeal to me at all, so I am wanting to skip straight to unschooling. The problem I am having is that years of conflict have caused relationship issues between mysel and my two boys. We spend most of our days arguing and fussing over EVERYTHING. I have no support system, family, or anyone for that matter where we live. My husband works 24 hour shifts as a fire captain. I desperately want to do this but I am afraid that I will LOOSE MY MIND!! Selfishly I have seen there time in school as a break and peace and quiet from the chaos. I know that sounds awful but if you were a fly on the wall you would understand. My desire to unschool is fueled by the fact that they are both considered "behind". There grades do not reflect what the school considers acceptable. They are both bright boys and I don't want them getting the message that they are not good or smart enough. Just like me, I feel that they will be eager to learn the things that interest them. I just need support. Any suggestions!!!????

 

Also....I chose to stop meds for my 8 year old based on the fact that during the summer he should just be a kid and burn his energy off outside. I know as soon as he gets into school they will try to tell me he needs them. I WILL NOT put him on anything again. This is why I need help in this matter. Thanks

 

[Sandra Dodd]

If your ex husband has any say in the situation that will be an obstacle.

-=- Just like me, I feel that they will be eager to learn the things that interest them. I just need support. Any suggestions!!!????-=-

"Just need support" sounds simple, but you need much more than that. :-)

Most people think that children will "learn the things that interest them" and that's how unschooling works. That kids will say "oooh, history looks interesting," and then they parent will help him learn history. That's not it, though.

At first, if you take them out of school, they will not want to learn ANYthing. They will not want to do anything that looks, sounds or smells anything like schoolish ANYthing. Don't go to museums unless they're natural-born museum-loving kids. Don't bring in books about stuff they like. The first thing that needs to be done is deschooling. A thirteen year old who failed first grade needs nine or ten months of nothing. Fallow field. An eight year old needs four or five months. He might get interested in doing things that look "educational" to you before the older one does.

Just as with AA, if someone drinks, the count starts over.

During deschooling, if the parent gets nervous and brings out workbooks or "makes a kid" read or do math or something, you're back at square one (or worse).

Then there are the parents. If you were in school for only 12 years, that's a solid year of deschooling for you. If you went to college, pre-school, if you used to teach, if you've been a big room-mom kind of mom, add a month for each year.

http://sandradodd.com/deschooling

That links to the descriptions of many people's take on deschooling. Don't just read it once. Read it once a month or two until you just about have it memorized.

http://sandradodd.com/checklists might be another good one for starters.

[Meredith]

We spend most of our days arguing and fussing over EVERYTHING

Recognize that you're part of that "we". You're learning some new skills, new ways of thinking and doing things and that takes time. Its a biiiiig transition, and transitions are challenging. How do your guys transition in general? How well do You transition in general? Those are things to think about, to give you some perspective. Deschooling is a transitional period.

Lots of arguements suggest that needs aren't getting met, maybe needs for attention, or for activity, or for touch... its hard to know with so little information. If you can lay out examples of a couple arguements, people here can help you see what sorts of needs are fueling them so that you can get ahead of things, meet some needs proactively. At first that sounds like a Lot! but the more you can do proactively the more peaceful things will become.

Some of these might be helpful for your energetic guy - its starts off with little kid activities but about halfway down are things that could help an older kid, too:

http://sandradodd.com/physicality/

[April Jaure]

I used to be pretty authoritarian in my parenting style. When I first came to radical unschooling, I read this page. http://sandradodd.com/yes.html and that's where I started. I just started saying yes to my daughter, and tried to think of reasons to say yes to her or some way to meet her requests rather than coming up with reasons to say no. Before, my daughter would bite her nails constantly. She'd sit there and bite them all day long, and there was nothing really left for her to bite, but still she would. Within three days of saying yes more often, she stopped biting her nails. I think saying yes showed her that I care about her feelings and wants and needs, and so she started to trust me more. Perhaps in your relationship with your kids, you could start by saying yes more often? Hopefully this helps, but of course I don't know the specifics of your issues.

[Meg Walker]

Everyone wanted to medicate my super energetic son, too. Luckily, I found the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Your library probably has it and most bookstores do, too.

This book really changed our lives. My son is now 18 and heading off to college in the fall. He learned to use his energy in a positive way, but it took time and maturity. School is in a big hurry for your son to behave perfectly right NOW! They're not willing or able to give your son the time and space he needs in order for his gift of boundless energy to develop in a healthy way. I am so grateful that we found homeschooling and unschooling early--my son never went to school until he chose to do high school.

Your son's energy is his gift. The Spirited Child book will help all of you (I do hope your husband and your ex will read it, too) to see that and give you lots of guidance for supporting the growth of that gift.