My daughter's resistance to cooperate & be peaceful...HELP!

[bLISs]

i need your input.

since 3.5 years old (she is now 6.75 years old) my daughter has resisted respecting others...whether it is not stopping when someone asks her to stop (usually its something annoying, hurtful physically or verbally or it is messing w/ something of someone else's...). i just can't seem to help her nip this in the bud. it grates on my nerves & i feel very very sad and helpless at this point. i want to put a stop to this ASAP in an empowering way for her & to continue on in a calm loving supportive way on my part.

i'm thinking she's resentful, disappointed, possibly bored when she does these things...? she is also going thru my wallet and taking our money out...its our money but i have asked her to discuss her withdrawals/spending before she does this...

another thing she's doing is snooping in my mom's things that my mother has left here or things i've asked her not to touch (her fancy expensive flower girl dress & wedding items (unity candle, guest book, etc. that i will probably sell..someday) from my previous engagement to my son's father).

she also has been eating candy first thing in the mornings and this is not ok w/ me for her to be doing all the time. it is not healthy for her brain/body and so lately i'm encouraging and often begging for her to eat some protein before she goes and buys candy. first it was the overload of popsicles...until i threw them all in the dumpster...now its candy in the mornings. we have a little store nearby us that she can walk to. its just across our little parking lot area in the resort we live in.

help. what is going on?! could it be that she is she still p.o.'d w/ me & hurting...scared... for my being authoritarian/meanstream (pun intended) & inconsistent w/ my guidance with her & my mother's continued meanstream b.s. & lack of spending quality time w/ her granddaughter?

the meds i'm taking now for stabilizing my bipolar (i get manic agitation) seem to be helping at the dosage i'm taking the past week but i can't take this much longer. what do i do except continue to bear w/ this until she grows out of this???
what is she needing? more alone time w/ me? its tough when i have my young son (20 mos.) and he is not cool w/ being away from me...unless he's w/ my mom but she works and isn't often available.

i just don't know how else to handle this. sigh...
there is a real issue here w/ a lack of respect for others and their possessions and lack of love.

[Sandra Dodd]

-=- i have asked her to discuss her withdrawals/spending before she does this...-=-

Don't ask her, tell her.

-=-another thing she's doing is snooping in my mom's things that my mother has left here or things i've asked her not to touch-=-

Don't ask her, tell her. Say NO. Sometimes the answer is no.

-=-she also has been eating candy first thing in the mornings and this is not ok w/ me for her to be doing all the time. it is not healthy for her brain/body and so lately i'm encouraging and often begging for her to eat some protein before she goes and buys candy.-=-

Don't put the candy where she can find it. Put cut-up protein food out before you go to bed that she can find on her own--boiled eggs sliced; cheese cubes--and fruit, and maybe nuts.

Don't "beg" her. Say no, if no is the answer. Find good things she will like and make her life interesting.

Of course she needs attention, and sweet attention, but it doesn't do anyone any good for her to be stealing money (it's not just as much her money as it is yours; don't pretend it is) or messing with things that a) aren't hers, and b) aren't yours!

[Brenda Ferns]

I think that maybe if you say something like "lets make pancakes or lets have cereal and eat with her" I have learned with my girls that Saying lets or I need works a lot better then you need. When she is getting into your moms things say something like lets not get into that stuff it is not ours or I need you to not touch grandmas things it will make her upset if they get ruined can you put them up into a closet so that she can't get to them. Sometimes you do need to say no but there are ways to do this that are affective and let hurtful. If she wants candy say Yes you may have candy but after you eat breakfest or lunch or yes you may have money for candy but you may not eat it until after you eat breakfest. A lot of what children learn is from modeling she just did not pick being disrespectful from the sky and as you begin to model respect not only for her but for her things she will learn that and began to respect others. How much times do you spend with her on things that she likes to do or things she wants to learn about. Do you guys sit down and research things together. And she probably does have some emotions built up from things that have happened in the past and it will take time for her to work through those emotions.

[bLISs]

oh guys......i HAVE told her NO. i have asked too in the past but yes, the past many many months prior to really immersing myself in RUing, it is telling her NO. DO NOT MESS WITH NANNY'S STUFF. DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! STAY OUT. DO NOT MESS WITH THINGS WHILE I NAP w/ brother (she is ALWAYS welcome to join us...in fact i wish she would and told her this many many times...she could even lay down w/ a book...but no, she won't do it). except for the money thing i have told her we need to discuss it before she gets it or spends it and to NOT go in my purse nor to go into her grandma's bag...which she still does...it isn't like she is denied things...far from the truth. if anything, others might say she is spoiled. i suppose i go to extremes...maybe i do w/ everything in life, now that i really look at this. man what a rude awakening for me. but i can't always help it. i have bipolar and it makes it VERY hard for my brain to see things in gray areas when i need to. and its more than just reacting on my part. its a reality for me i am so used to.

she really isn't into researching much. she will ask questions sometimes but really has not much attention span for learning much about what i find out about things...i figure its just her age. or her personality. and yes, i have signed her up for sooo many things that she only wound up not completing...my mom got some money from her former foster mom and it was 1000. we spent a LOT of it on classes/day camps for my daugther this summer. most she did not complete. fine. who can place a price on learning? but still...it was a LOT of money we COULD have spent on fixing cars or saving up to move or whatever. it upsets me. i try to let go of this fact but its tough. i DO spend time w/ her but it is NEVER enough. NEVER.

she has always bucked being told what she can and cannot do. which is why i think she's turned out this way...my inconsistency and confusion as to how to parent her......tell her no and yes and/or just let her do what she's gonna do, talk w/ her firmly yet sweetly about whatever she did that was not cool...and i've also lost my cool w/ her.

so i just woke up a thousand times during my nap because of her noise...i've told her to keep it down (we have a loft bedroom so i can hear it all) and i hear crinkling, clanging, messing w/ coins she shouldn't be (our laundry quarters) that i had JUST TOLD her not to...then i come to find all these things she's messed with and messed up. she took lotion and it is all in the hair of my son's doll that i found for him at a thrift store...its like those american girl dolls only its a boy. my heart is broken. then i have to clean up most of the mess because i wound up telling her to get OUT of the house. i can't stand being around her when she does this sort of thing...which has become often again lately. i'm at a LOSS. just when things become better, she pulls this again. oh yeah. i could remain calm, tell her its unacceptable for the 718zillionth time and let it lay. but its NOT ok. she KNOWS not to write on walls. she continues to do it. even if its an I love you mama its still NOT OK. i think either she's really screwed up in her heart from the past fighting w/ me and my ex struggling to keep her in 'line' so to speak (on the right path...hopefully you know what i mean w/ that...) or...something. i just don't think i can take this anymore. i have so much on my plate w/ my mental health and my young son that i'm just so much more overwhelmed when she acts like this. i don't know what else to do anymore. i'm so sad and upset right now. i told her i'm going to take her to the boys & girls club (which she only went to ONCE and stopped going after about an hour because after the kids went inside from lunch after i left about 15 minutes prior, she felt insecure as no one befriended her like some older girls did at lunchtime...so she called me crying to come get her). she refuses to go to the boys & girls club now. she says she will cry and not let me go or she will cry the whole time until she can call me to get her. i'm in a catch 22. i don't know what else to do. maybe she has oppositional defiance disorder. maybe its my fault. but it isn't like i've been THAT horrible. i just don't get it. she is acting like her father told me he acted as a child. his mom didn't want him. she gave him up at age one to foster homes and to his father sometimes and to his grandmother sometimes. i'm sure he felt unloved and unwanted. he acted out and was labeled anti-social personality because he could have cared less how his actions and attitude affected others. he stole. he lied. he conned. he used people. he still is this way. maybe its genetic. god i don't know. all i know is i feel like a failure as my daughter's mother and i could just scream. this is NOT what i ever thought it'd be like when she got older...

[Alan Marshall]

I have a dd the same age with some similar challenges. I have some thoughts that I hope will help.

First, don’t waste your energy worrying about how your dd will “turn out” or nipping anything in the bud. Concentrate on making her and the rest of your family more peaceful and joyful right now, today.

I agree with others that you should firmly say no when needed, but I think it is important to be intentional about your demeanor during times of conflict. Don’t yell or get irrationally angry. Don’t lecture or repeat the reasoning behind respecting others or rant about how many times you’ve had to tell her. Keep it short and simple, “No, that’s not acceptable, let’s do this instead.” I know that might not “work” at first and she might object and not go on cheerfully. That’s not the point. The important thing is to change how you interact with her.

My first thought reading your post was that, whenever possible, to make any unacceptable behavior that occurs more than once physically impossible to repeat. Not in a punitive way or as a “consequence” – don’t even say anything about it – just move the wedding stuff completely out of the house or some other unreachable place, hide the wallet out of reach, clear the house of anything that can mark on walls, play with your dd out of earshot during ds’s nap etc.

My opinion is that you are not being fair about the candy. The nutritional value of food does not change if it is eaten in the morning. Just have a lot of tasty high protein foods that are easy to get to. Get up with her in the morning and go buy some candy together and take a walk (or something else she would enjoy) while you eat it together.

Can you create a place that has some interesting things to mess with to substitute for your mother’s stuff? Can you choose not to sell some of it and give it to your dd as a gift? How about giving her an allowance and her own wallet? If she spends it all and asks for more, say (sincerely) sorry, no more allowance until next week, but offer to go with her to buy what she wants. These questions are rhetorical, please don’t waste time explaining if these suggestions don’t work. The point is, think outside box. Be creative.

Here’s an idea - set aside a day to repaint a wall or room in your house, but first write “I love you, dd” on the wall and then draw on the wall(s) with her. Maybe she can help you paint over it, maybe not. Without saying anything just toss the pens when you’re done to prevent it continuing after the painting.

This really jumped out at me:
***i DO spend time w/ her but it is NEVER enough. NEVER. ***

I think you should spend more time with her. A lot more. All you can. Some without her brother. (And give him some special time, too) Fun, happy, loving time doing things she likes to do. Whatever she wants that’s legal, socially acceptable, and not life threatening. Shopping, eating candy, playing with some of grandma’s cool stuff she doesn’t care about, drawing on something acceptable. Fun things out of the house, watching movies or TV, resort type things that the tourists do. The next time extra money is available, spend it doing really fun things together as a family and a few with just your dd. Don’t sign up for anything unless she asks to. Do without a nap for awhile and make that a special time with dd.

Did I read right, sending her to the girls club is a punishment? Please don’t do that.

***she took lotion and it is all in the hair of my son's doll that i found for him at a thrift store...its like those american girl dolls only its a boy. my heart is broken. then i have to clean up most of the mess because i wound up telling her to get OUT of the house. i can't stand being around her when she does this sort of thing...***

My heart is breaking for your little girl. She’s not even 7 yo. and her mother told her she can’t stand to be around her. I think you must eliminate this kind of interaction from your parenting (and your life.) Maybe it will help to think of it as part of fixing your dd’s behavior. The first and most crucial step in helping her be more respectful and peaceful is to become an excellent model of respect and peacefulness yourself.

***. i could remain calm, tell her its unacceptable for the 718zillionth time and let it lay. but its NOT ok ***

If you could remain calm, then, for your daughter’s sake, please do so.

***but its NOT ok ***

If you, an adult, say things that are NOT ok to your dd, how can a she, a 6 year old, be expected to meet a higher standard.

[angie]

when i read your continued post i cried, my heart really goes out to you, i can feel your pain, you are really struggling aren't you?
my advice is get some help i think that your bipolar may be mixed up with post natal depression too, go visit your doctor and tell him/her how you really feel
good luck xxx

[bLISs]

thanks, guys. i agree w/ EVERYthing you said. today is a new day, a fresh start. i will look the other way (turn the other cheek so to speak) & bite my tongue, take my own time away in the shower or outside or something...any thing but show i'm annoyed w/ her.

i have realized i've become what i used to despise (and still do) in others...that type of response many people do where you are talking and they aren't truly actively listening and "hearing" you out on a deeper level...they respond by saying nothing or shaking their head almost like trying to shoo you away or shush you or they say "reallyyyyyyyyy" but w/ no question mark after it...just kind of a WHATever attitude...it SUCKS. i've always been hurt by that as i've never been like that. i always listened to people, children AND adults...and had compassion and held that space for them whether it was shallow talk or deep stuff. and now...here i'm doing this w/ my daughter.

yes, i do believe i had so PPD affecting my bipolar. i am on a medication right now that sometimes seems to be helping. i'm giving it one more week (this week thru the weekend) to see if the uppage in dosage is helping...i went about 3 days straight not getting agitated...i was annoyed slightly...maybe even highly but the enraged feeling i often get wasn't there. so i thought ok, this stuff is helping now...yay! then i got nasty again yesterday. so we shall see. i don't know what has caused me to grow so apathetic towards my baby girl...it seems to revolve around her brother's birth 20 mos. ago. maybe i'm having a hard time having not just one but 2 kids now. maybe i'm having a hard time doing this alone, pretty much. maybe i'm overwhelmed. maybe my daughter's attitude has kicked it up many notches since my son's birth. i think all of the above.

i don't want to be like 'those people' in high school or out there in the world today who are so rude & disconnected from others...i don't want to be like that. i really watched myself last night when i was interacting w/ my daughter and how i responded to her comments, questions, actions. i was downright sh*tty. nonchalant responses a lot of the time...snippy...authoritarian/coercive attitude when she said she'd do something like climb a wire/metal post fence i didn't want her to climb...feeling enraged w/ her resistance to 'comply'. awful! that isn't ME. its almost like another 'person' within me comes out...but i don't have multiple personality disorder. its an emotional regulation/ management issue.

sooo...yeah. i need to stop. so i have. as of last night i'm DONE w/ acting like that. she deserves a loving mama. she deserves unconditional LOVE. i need to remember to use the gift i have of humor when she does something i'm not too thrilled about. i will offer choices when i don't wish her doing something like going near or in the river when no one is near where she is...i will be more flexible. more empathic. i love her so much and i can't believe she is already almost 7 years old. i look at her laying in our bed at night and think HOW COULD I HAVE EVER TREATED HER SO SH*TTY...?! I NEVER EVER THOUGHT I COULD EVER DO THAT. and here i have the past 20 mos.

someone on my yahoo list suggested i take some ME time...i'm going to start leaving the kids w/ my new RUing IRL friend (brenda! you are so wonderful) a few days a week so i can just CHILL and hang at a cafe or go in nature alone or something. or just FLOAT at our pool we can use here... like that song goes by frankie goes to hollywood... "relax...don't do it...when you want to go to it..." (well we all know the rest of it but i don't think it applies to what i'm referring to...hee hee)

thank you all. i will leave an update on my blog in a few days...i definitely need a major attitude adjustment. 2 years ago naomi aldort told me i was "the tiger" of her heart. that meant SO MUCH to me and helped me to really keep going in a RUing spirit w/ my daughter. then i left my ex and took off in a uhaul 1700 miles west, back to oregon and had my son and well...i haven't been so kind to her since then...its been quite the ride, ya know...?

i wonder, could i have resentments against her for various reasons? probably. could i be projecting my own sh*t from my childhood onto her now that she's older and may be triggering me? probably. could i be expecting too much from an almost-7 year old? probably. (she looks and acts a lot 'older' than i ever did at her age...and i was mellower i think.)

today is a new day. any moment she is going to wake up. maybe i'll make us some pancakes this morning...i bet she'd love that. we can make them together.

oh and yes, i know using the boys and girls club was a threat. even my mom said that...that i was using that as a punishment. i know that. its awful. why WOULD she want to go! it was horrible for her when she went for that hour the one time after she was ok w/ my leaving...and now it must seem horrific for her to imagine being there.

its going to take more than 3 days of her adjusting to my calmness. i need to remind myself and recharge every hour or less so to make sure i really remain present in my interactions and connection to her.

angie, omg you cried? i love you for saying you can feel my pain and the way you worded that first sentence. thank you. i really am hurting. i want to raise a daughter who is confident and loving. who trusts her mother...right now, we are very disconnected. its just so sad. if this med i'm on doesn't do the trick i'm going on something else (which means i need to wean my son which is a whole 'nother ball of wax for he & i...). lets hope this stuff i'm on works (it is a mood stabilizer).

thank you for your love angie and alan for your comments. i appreciate you all so much.

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-if this med i'm on doesn't do the trick i'm going on something else (which means i need to wean my son which is a whole 'nother ball of wax for he & i...).-=-

No drug will magically fix a person. If you want to change your reactions and thoughts you need to change them. If you're taking drugs for bi-polar or depression that can only go so far.

If you change enough that you start to become confident in your own parenting and your daughter responds positively and that helps your confidence even more, then the two of you will start to have a relationship that can build upon itself and you won't need outside people telling you you're doing better. You'll know for certain.

These have ideas that might help you, if you want to change your thinking.

http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
http://sandradodd.com/breathing

If your ex is also the father of the baby, is it possible you could consider getting back together? If he doesn't agree to unschooling, can it still happen? You might need to consider school, but you can still find ways to be a more patient and compassionate mother even if your daughter is in school.

If she's 'snooping' it's because she wants to know more, to learn more, to experience more. Find ways to help her learn. Find things she can touch.

Also, classes and daycamps aren't what unschooling is made of. If you're spending money putting her with other people to learn, then you're not really unschooling yet at all, I don't think.

[Ren]

My first thought is that she is still SO very little and your expectations for some things seem unreasonable to me. BE with her. Be present, not napping and change how you view her behaviors. She is needing more of you it sounds like, not classes or money, more of YOU. Right there with her because she isn't able to be quiet or stop doing certain things. Supply the food before she needs it. Supply the attention and time before she needs it. Don't wait until there's a problem.

[bLISs]

i have really started to own the fact that *i* was often resistant to cooperate and be peaceful all the time w/ my daughter. my bad. my problem. it is hurting her. i now understand more fully...

as for classes in pottery, horseback riding lessons, painting, soccer...these are things she has expressed interest in. yes, she can learn at home but that is very isolating for her and she needs that interaction and longs for the instruction how to do these things...i don't believe this is NOT 'unschooling'. how else are we to learn or be involved in these sorts of passions/interests if we aren't learning from others who have the experience to model for us the basics? i make sure the adults are positive and kind. my daughter will pull out of the class or lesson if she doesn't care for disconnective adults. she has done this before. good for her! her horseback riding "teacher" was extremely disconnected w/ M the last lesson and my daughter felt it strongly as did i. the woman put it on my daughter saying that it gets boring for the kids when they can only 'do so much'. i think that was b.s. as that isn't true...she was going to do barrel racing and various 'games' walking over logs, etc. w/ my daughter. so i think she just wasn't into teaching that day. my daughter also was riding a horse she riding one day. we don't have a pottery wheel although i've considered buying some clay and using our granite lazy susan for my daughter to spin. it won't as fast as the wheel but i figured she could try it. i could help her spin it fast. could be real FUN!

i REALLY do need my naps. it is ONLY ME w/ my kids 24/7 & even though i go to bed no later than 11pm (usually its more like 10pm) i wake up at 7 or 8am and i'm still beat. i just got some bloodwork done and am awaiting the dr's phone call w/ the results. so as for my rest during the day, i really do need that.

i used to feel absolutely confident in my parenting. but since my son was born, i have not in regards to my daughter. i'm working hard on shifting how i feel about this and about my connection w/ her. so far, so wonderful. i make mistakes but i'm getting back to where i was... :O)

as for my ex (my son's father), he has become a very strong fundie born again catholic and i'm just NOT into that one bit so it'd be hard to live w/ when he is expecting that from his partner and i'm not willing to fake what i believe in in regards to a higher power. he is also in a part of MN that is VERY isolating for me and the kids and he & his immediate family are highly dysfunctional (very rageful people) so this just isn't an option.

as for my other ex, (my daughter's father) i haven't seen nor heard from him since my daughter was about 9 mos. old. he is an alcoholic and womanizer and con artist. there's not much hope in him. i sometimes hear his latest actions from my mom as his mom will randomly throughout the years leave drunken rants on her voicemail for revenge on her son. she does this to him and he to her. its awful.

thanks again for your input.

[Bonnie]

"as for classes in pottery, horseback riding lessons, painting, soccer...these are things she has expressed interest in. yes, she can learn at home but that is very isolating for her and she needs that interaction and longs for the instruction how to do these things..."

She expressed interest in those activities, or specifically in taking classes on them? There are ways to learn almost anything without signing up for a formal class. But if *you* believe classes are the only way, or the easiest way, to learn then it's possible she has absorbed that message already and doesn't realize she can learn other ways.

"i don't believe this is NOT 'unschooling'. how else are we to learn or be involved in these sorts of passions/interests if we aren't learning from others who have the experience to model for us the basics?"

Taking classes in itself is not "not unschooling". What's "not unschooling" is the exact attitude you've expressed here - the idea that you NEED classes, because "how else can we learn?" Believing you have to learn everything from an "expert" is a huge stone blocking your path to really getting unschooling. Because it's absolutely not true. There are books, DVDs, websites. There are people who know how to do this stuff who can just talk to you about it or show you how without it being a formal lesson. You can learn the rules of soccer and kick a ball around with her in the park. You can get art books and paints and other supplies. Save the money you might pay for the classes and spend it on fun supplies and books and videos and games. Spend it on trips to see other kids if she's lonely.

One of the most important concepts in unschooling is to lead a kid to water but not make them drink. Maybe she was thirsting for knowledge about horseback riding and got her fill after two lessons. It's not fair to put her in a situation where she's obligated to keep drinking from that cup when she's not thirsty anymore. If learning always comes with a minimum required effort to keep mom from feeling like she's wasted money or time, eventually it's going to stop feeling exciting and start feeling like a chore. And that is *exactly* what you're trying to avoid by unschooling. Learning should stay sparkly and fun, and for that to happen there need to be no strings attached.

[JennyStar]

how else are we to learn or be involved in these sorts of passions/interests if we aren't learning from others who have the experience to model for us the basics?

By doing them. You don't need a lesson to find a stable to ride a horse a time or two. You can buy all kinds of clay for pottery or sculpting and do it at home. Expressing interests in things doesn't mean that it has to be formal to learn about them. It could be a sampling at a buffet restaraunt, both literally or figuratively. Dabble in things, go to thrift stores and purchase unusual things, go to craft stores and buy that huge bag of pompoms, just because they are fun to touch and toss around.

As far as the napping goes, it seems like it would be way more restful if you put on a movie and layed down on the floor next to your daughter while she plays with that huge bag of pompoms and whatever else you've put out for her, than to be woken repeatedly by her doing things that she shouldn't be doing.

[bLISs]

this is so ridiculous, guys. i didn't mean to imply that taking classes & being involved w/ others' in activites was THE only thing my kids will be doing. LOL i'm not that naive, really...give me the bennies of your doubts here.

& we DO dabble in many things. we go here, we go there...we have tons of art supplies...we do lots. we have many different interests so we embrace them...in various arena's.

if a child wishes to learn how to ride a horse, or even myself, i'd rather learn from an 'elder' aka someone w/ a lot of horse experience vs. putting my daughter on a horse where she doesn't know what to do. thankfully, my daughter IS a natural riding them, which is so cool to me as she is following her bliss, for one & secondly, she is following her instincts sharply. so what if you had a friend who knew horses well & rode regularly? would you allow your child to take regular lessons from them??? not every child feels what my daughter & many other natural horsepeople feel on a horse...not every child knows to hold on w/ their legs or how far to pull back on the reins etc. would you just let your child get on a horse, pull hard on the reins only to have them get bucked off??? i think not. i prefer to have my daughter learn from someone w/ a lot of wisdom and experience the cause & effect of riding such a huge animal. yeah certain things are a given. you get up on the horse's back. then what...you could read books about it. you could watch other people ride. but isn't THAT learning from others' take on things? life is often about learning from one another...taking what we like, leaving the rest.

there is nothing wrong w/ taking a 'class'. my god. lets not outlaw 'instruction' of certain things. if our children wish to learn how to develop negatives in a darkroom or whatever & loves being around other PEOPLE for petes sake, i'm not about to keep her at home (isn't that HOMEschooling, folks!?) & just learn via computer or DVD or library books w/ minimal interaction w/ their elders & even other kids who know about stuff they are interested in??? isn't learning from those sources at home the same as taking a class outside of home from someone else's, learning from someone else's 'take' on something??? i see NOTHING wrong w/ this one bit. our kids are wise enough to take what they like & leave the rest...

ie. dayna martin's son was interested in gymnastics at one point and she totally supported it...he went and realized he was bored w/ it and had seen a climbing wall at the place & on the way out, i believe, expressed to her that he wanted to try that... lets not shut out other forms of learning...there are so many ways to learn. and to me, if a child wishes to learn something while interacting w/ other kids of all ages then by golly, i'm going to support that. whether its a few times only or its some sort of continuous thing that they are learning about...piano or drums or whatever.

so should my daughter not volunteer at the humane society because they have a system & rules & their own thought of how to & have a certain way of relating w/ dogs that my daughter can't create on her own, & only be an animal foster parent at HOME? if she wants to learn how to knit should she only learn from youtube videos & books, or friends' moms or from someone at a park? why is it "not unschooling" if its held w/in a "class" setting &/or in a building???

i never asked anyone here for their opinions on the activities my kids are in. i inquired about my daughter & our issues. i have learned SO MUCH from this discussion as well as from other sources about this...that it all begins with me. the peace and love for and within myself...branches out then to others...i see this now. i see what my struggle was that i was choosing & deriving energy from.

there is a mighty lot of self righteousness, brashness & lack of compassion on this site from some unschoolers. for me & many i know, this is NOT what true radical unschooling is about.

& if a child is interested in something, so be it. wherever it is. whatever it is. however short or long it is.

now yes, i still have a problem w/ my daughter enrolling in the waldorf school for the fall/first grade. to me, that is one HUGE commitment & i am pretty sure she'd get sucked in by the whole steiner take on life thus making it reallllly extra tough to ever encourage her out of that whole mindsset. so i'm not mentioning it these days & she isn't either. none of her beloved "friends" has called this summer. none of this so-called "community" have called us to get together. this is the biggest reason my daughter wanted to commit & continue on to the grades there...all day, every day...& this is the biggest reason i hoped she wouldn't choose to go because i KNOW it would limit her & that she is way too young to have the mentality to even comprehend waldorf vs. RUing. i'm not about to allow my daughter to get sucked into one person's way of life for her childhood. i know better. when she's older & can understand the choices that are before her, yeah...she can choose. i hope she doesn't but if she does, she does...

this is entirely different than signing up at a school or even activity where the majority of a child's time (or adults) & exposure to life learning is mostly created by someone else & is not of the child's desires.

anyway...i trust that RUing is following ones bliss. it isn't about some sort of box we need to fit inside or be ejected from.