Near-Daily Extreme Tantrums... Can you help us?!

[Tracy Moore]

Hi Guys. Can anyone help us out with our current challenge?  My hubby and I are struggling with how best to help our 2 year old daughter, as she's 'tantruming' pretty much daily, and sometimes multiple times throughout the day.

Things escalate very quickly.  If our daughter doesn't have things exactly the way she wants them at any point in time, she very quickly melts-down and we find it really hard to help her back to a point of calm / contentedness / peace.

By the way, in asking for anyone's advice, I accept that the responsibility is completely mine and my husband's, in helping our daughter through her tantrums.  I also believe that her tantrums are a sign of intense frustration, which is probably an interplay of (1) something we are not handling well, and (b) her language development.  (ie. she's putting sentences together now, but clearly as a 2-year old, she's feeling so much more than she's managing to express through verbal language.)

Our beliefs and values are aligned with everything I've discovered and read about unschooling over the past few years, BUT I realise that we can't be doing everything in as balanced a way as we could be.  I know this as my daughter's tantrums are full-on, and we're unsure how to help her in terms of 'prevention' and, if they do happen, 'cure' (i.e. managing them healthily for her, and for the health of the rest of the family too.).  Also, I respect a few of you in this network who regularly seem to offer some incredibly wise words to people asking for support with various challenges on their unschooling / parenting journey.  (I know some of you 'speak out' about unschooling etc as part of your life mission / passionate and compassionate callings.)  I have a hunch you'll be able to suggest where we might be going wrong, and / or our best bet for restoring peace and health for our daughter (and us).

Can you help?  Tantrums are being thrown very quickly if our daughter doesn't have things exactly the way she wants them, be that something she wants to eat, how it's cut up, whether she wants to leave the park or not, and so on.  Of course she's only 2, so others' preferences (like her brother's), or whatever is the situation in general, just don't matter to her in her own world right now.

What I've had very limited success with is trying to gently help her tell me what she wants without screaming / crying in a hysterical manner, and giving her what she wants as soon as she manages to do that.  But - and feel free to tell me exactly what you think about this (or me!) - am I asking too much of her, when I do this?  If she's THAT frustrated, is it unfair of me to only give her what she wants when she asks me calmly?  (This might not happen for 20 minutes or more of tantruming first...).

Do I just try cuddle her throughout the tantrum?  (Have tried sometimes, but she writhes and hits-out etc).

Do any of you have any advice or suggestions for myself and my husband on this one?  It's very draining for all family members right now, including for my 5 year old son.  But most of all, I'm concerned for my daughter as she gets genuinely distressed.  (By the way, she can get to the point where she's lost it and retching with emotion... A breast-feed is the only consolation to stave off this reaction, but sometimes she doesn't even want that.)

By the way, a couple of times I've seen her cut a tantrum immediately with a distraction or for some other reason.  But the majority of the time, she's ended up in such a confused, upset 'place', that nothing seems to break her distress until she's ready / too exhausted.  She's even been sick once or twice.

I keep thinking of Jean Liedloff's words in 'The Continuum Concept', and how tantrums barely exist(ed) in the tribe/s she lived amongst.  So, we must be doing something wrong as parents, so can you help us with how to start righting the situation?

Excuse the long post.  Trying to give you all enough info.  Thanks!

[Mary Contrary]

Scott said:

Mary Contrary said:

Today I am going to go down to the doctor and get her a referral for her hearing I think as her words are not as many as they should be for her age and maybe there is something else going on...

Getting the hearing checked is not a bad idea. I wasn't speaking at all by age four. A neighbor told my mom, "You might want to get his hearing checked." My mom said, "He is just quiet because he is good at concentrating on what he is working on." Also, I had no problem understanding what people said. Well mom took me to the doctor and surprise surprise I was totally deaf and apparently had been since I had gotten an infection as a baby.

After some surgeries I was OK though and I find that even now I can still lip read to a certain extent.

I hardly get any time to actually sit and type undisturbed as i am the one with the kids all the time...but i did want to respond to this thread and tell u all that we are doing alot better here..waiting to get her ears checked still,thanks Scott! and she has been having less tantrums. Think positive and attract positive :)

[Meredith]

If you think hearing is an issue, its worth learning some sign language, too, in order that y'all have more tools with which to communicate. As someone with good hearing, learning sign also helps you to understand the limitations of needing to "see" words rather than hear them, which can help you to be more sensitive to your child's specific needs.

But even so, the Most important part of communication between adults and kids is adults becomming better observers. See behavior and body language as more significant aspects of communication than words - that will help regardless of any hearing issues.

[Melissa Dunn]

Hi all --

I know this is a rather old discussion, but it is very relevant to what I am currently going through with my son, who is just about to turn 3. He has always been one to have occasional tantrums since turning 2 or so, but for the past few days, his tantrums have been extremely intense. He screams, kicks, hits, bites, and pinches me. I have started walking away into another room when he does this, something I do not want to do, but I have to in order to not get hurt by him. I tell him calmly, "I do not like to be hit. It hurts Mama. I have to walk away now." To this, he screams louder and I usually come back in after a few minutes and try again to calm him down. Other times, I try to just sit with him, try to hold him, try to give him a hug, but he won't have it and acts out physically to the point that I have to get up. Nothing seems to be working. These episodes last for nearly an hour and cycle throughout the day. Today he had 3 of them. He says "I like hurting people" and "I want to hit Mama" and "I like to hurt myself" (while hitting his head or banging his head on the floor) and "I'm angry," all while screaming and crying. Nothing remarkable or different has happened during the past few days, as far as I can tell; it has really been just a typical week, which in our home consists of lots of playing, cartoon watching (his latest obsession, Busytown Mysteries), and some outings to toy stores, parks, downtown, etc. (The tantrums do not occur outside of the home as of yet...)

The tantrums usually begin when I cannot "carry him" because I have to carry his 10 month old brother instead, as he is not walking yet. (I put "carry him" in quotes because he constantly says to me throughout the day, "Carry me, carry me, carry me." And I usually try to -- when I can.) If my youngest needs me to pick him up, and I put down my oldest son, he becomes angry. I feel this is all stemming from his frustration at his younger brother and the attention I must pay to him. If I can put down my youngest and say, "Okay, I'm putting him down now. I only want to hold you right now," he is generally happy. However, once my youngest starts crying or needs me to pick him up, and I make that switch, my oldest loses it again. :(  I feel at a loss at what I can do, as I do attempt to pay lots of attention to my oldest, spending time playing and reading with him while my youngest naps, giving him lots of cuddles and love throughout the day, respecting his wishes and needs in regard to food, activities, preferences, etc., and attempting to make him feel important and loved. But maybe it's not enough! I feel a bit stretched as to what more I can do...

Also, I'm starting to get tired and discouraged, feeling like I'm not doing something *right* or that perhaps my toddler is just more intense than others... I'm also starting to get feedback from extended family members, things like "time outs might be a good idea" and "maybe put him in a preschool so he can get some time away and you can get a break... It would be good for both of you!" I am not a fan of these types of suggestions and usually just nod and say, "Hmm...yes perhaps" or some such niceties, as our extended family members don't really know much about unschooling philosophy or gentle discipline and I don't care to go into it with them at this time. But these suggestions wear on me because, to be honest, I start wondering if I am doing something *wrong.* I would love to hear some thoughts or suggestions from unschooling families with parenting philosophies more in line with our own, parents who maybe have been through this type of situation. Or maybe just the gentle reminder that "This too shall pass." :) Thanks!

 

 

 

[Meredith]

The tantrums usually begin when I cannot "carry him" because I have to carry his 10 month old brother instead...

 

Look for ways to be in physical contact with the elder at the same time as the younger. A sling or backpack might make that easier, but also get down on the floor or a couch so you can have both of them on your lap and in your arms. Otherwise, you set up a sort of competition as to who is more important to you - so of Course your eldest will do everything in his power to retain his mom's attention and regard.

 

I do attempt to pay lots of attention to my oldest, spending time playing and reading with him while my youngest naps, giving him lots of cuddles and love throughout the day, respecting his wishes and needs in regard to food, activities, preferences, etc., and attempting to make him feel important and loved. But maybe it's not enough!

 

He's telling you pretty clearly it's not enough. He needs just as much attention from you as he did before his brother was born, and he'll keep trying to get it. It's up to you to discover how to keep giving him as much as he needs. That may be More than what the baby needs - that's sometimes surprising to parents that an older child can need more attention and support than a younger, but it's entirely possible. My kids are eight years apart in age, and sometimes the elder still needs more care and attention than the younger.

 

Something else to consider is that your 3yo may need more ways to feel like he's powerful or in control of his world. That's a common issue with 3yos! Make it possible for him to do as much as possible on his own, while still being ready to help with anything and everything since he seems to need your attention, too. Maybe even play some games with him like "Simon says" where he gets to tell you what to do.