Not Letting Children View Inappropriate parts in Movies

[Stacie K]

My son is 11. He has always had a lot of freedom in his movie viewing, long before I even heard of unschooling. We didn't mind swearing, or some violence, or innuendos, or even scantily dressed people, as long as they weren't engaging in sex. If we are watching a movie as a family, we fast forward the VERY sexy parts.

One of our favorite series was Firefly. It was only on for one season, but we have that on DVD. We love the story and the humor. We have watched it over and over.There are quite a few sex scenes, and they are more graphic than I want my 11 year old son to see. He is usually perfectly fine with us watching them as a family so we can fast forward the sex parts.

Last night after watching one as a family, and fast-forwarding some parts, my son declared that he loved this episode and was going to watch it later. We told him we weren't comfortable with that, because there were parts he isn't ready to see yet. He wasn't happy. I actually put the DVD's away, because I had a feeling he would find them and watch them when we were asleep.

I do understand that he is getting to the age where he wants to know more about sex. We talk fairly openly about it when it comes up, although I usually defer to my son's father if the question is too graphic and I know my answering it will embarrass my son. I also have provided him with age appropriate books about sex whenever I felt he needed one, starting at about 9 years old. I have one now that is for 13 -15 year olds, and I think it's time to give it to him.

I guess my question is...what would a Radical Unschooler do in this situation? (I am not yet a Radical Unschooler, but I am trying to become more of one).

[Meredith]

We told him we weren't comfortable with that, because there were parts he isn't ready to see yet.

The trouble with being that kind of arbiter of "when you're ready" is that you set something up to be more powerful, and setting adulthood up as access to power. So you take learning and turn it into a power struggle.

If you haven't been shy about sharing information about reproduction, he knows about that side of sex, but likely he's curious about the other side - why do adults do this with no intention of making babies? It one of the many ways kids work on wrapping their heads around reasoning and decision making.

I've watched Firefly - its not exactly hard core porn. I don't recall the scenes to be particularly degrading to either men or women, except one and it doesn't feature any of the "good guys". Among the heros of the show, sex is at worst emotionally complex and troublesome, and at best a grand old time. Those aren't exactly horrible messages for a young adolescent. Its way better than having his first exposure to sexual images be the kind of thing you find in porn. At least in Firefly, the participants look like they are making decisions and having fun.

[C. D. Eagle]

I agree with Meredith... not to mention he will go seeking it out. When I was 12 the only lesson I had gotten about sex was "wear condoms and if you have sex before marriage it is "dirty" and immoral". I easily bypassed parental controls on the computer and found hardcore porn on the internet which is often degrading to women (and gives both men and women unrealistic expectations about what sex really is like).... so it'd be better if you have him see some healthy sexual intercourse and he can ask you any questions and stuff.

[Joyce Fetteroll]

*** because I had a feeling he would find them and watch them when we were asleep. ***

Which is exactly the situation "No" sets up. Parents want no to mean kids accept it as barrier than can only be removed by a parent. But no really means "I won't help you get what you want." And if you think about that in adult situations it means if it's something the person really wants (and it's not illegal ;-) the person is going to figure out some other way to get it or find someone else to help them.

Is that what you want? Parents get to choose whether to be a child's adversary or partner. But control is an illusion. If you're an adversary, he'll find someone else to be his partner, or try to go it alone.

Some kids may take the suggestion that something is more powerful than they are to heart as Meredith suggested. It can also be seen as a challenge that they want to test themselves against. (Depends on personality.) Think about the Dad or Uncle (it's almost always guys ;-) who say things like "I know that wall's too high for you to jump off of. You can't do that." So what do the kids do? Do they say, "Oh, yeah, you're right," and walk off ;-)

You've shone a big bright spotlight on it, focusing his attention. Because of that, he's not going to be able to stop thinking about it.

The way to turn off the spotlight is to go get the DVDs. Apologize and say you overreacted. And watch them together. :-)

[Stacie K]

Well, I have been thinking about this all day. Then I talked to my husband about it tonight.

Meredith, you're right, the sex on Firefly is not hard-core porn! And I'd much rather him see it in the context it's presented in Firefly, than on the Interent!

I had a bad feeling all day about hiding the DVD's. I don't like to operate like that. I prefer honesty and openness. And I had a feeling, a strong, nagging feeling ever since last night, that if I "laid down the law" in this matter, I'd only be harming our relationship. Lately I've sensed him being more interested in things of a sexual nature. I've been feeling that if I blow it at this time, in this area, I would be losing something really important - his trust in me. And I'd lose any hope I have of him being open with me about his ideas about or plans for sex in the future.

So when I told my husband all these things, he agreed with me, wholeheartedly. We've seen all the sex scenes in Firefly, and we think Levi is ready to handle them. We did tell him tonight that we overreacted, and that he can watch them anytime he wants. He was happy. I feel that we made a very big, positive step in the right direction. I can feel myself understanding the principles behind radical unschooling more and more, and letting go of beliefs and ideas that don't work anymore. Well, I guess they never worked....which is proven to us when my husband and I look back on our childhoods and the way our parents handled such things....

[Amy Jackson]

::We did tell him tonight that we overreacted, and that he can watch them anytime he wants.::

That's great! I hope you also took the rest of what Joyce said to heart and watched them together. If you are available for him to ask questions when he first watches the sex scenes, he will be more likely to ask you the questions that come up instead of looking for answers from others.