On our list for Nov, make friends *shudder*

[Candy Cook]

OK.. It's not that bad.

We decided to make a short list of some things we'd like to try to do over the course of this month. My oldest son's list consisted of make robots and make more friends. Friends we can have more regular contact with and who share his lifestyle - no school. He's very interested in getting to know kids who don't go to school, like him.

Anyway, there lies the problem. I have been trying! We tried out homeschool baseball, but my son didn't like it (neither did I, the adults stabbed the fun out of it with a blunt object, repeatedly.) So, he didn't want to go there anymore. We didn't go back. We did go on a 'homeschool' field trip to a farm about 45 minutes from the house. But, it was pretty chaotic and wild.. We did go to what was SUPPOSED to be a halloween dress up party at Chuck E Cheese and no one else showed up. ?? I joined a GA unschool email list, but rather than plan exciting and fun get togethers all the people do is rant and rave and debate and argue about super lame stuff.

I have planned, for this month, to meet a group at a park that's about an hour away.. and also again at a rock show. But, I have problems. It seems that my son's developing relationships relies heavily on me developing relationships with the parents of the other children. This... I'm not so good at. I'm a natural born loner.. introvert.. introspective... I am not good at making friends... I always feel "different," distant, misunderstood.. I'm a quiet observer and don't share the same interests as most folks I speak with.. it's hard for me to know what to say or talk about.. I feel like every time I open my mouth someone is about to be offended, so I just keep it shut. Even when I do talk to other people, I feel awkward.. like why the hell am I talking to this person? Everything is forced.. and I'm sure it's quite obvious.

But, my son needs and wants these friends. I just need advice. I don't know what to do. I'm not good at this, and I don't really care to be.. except to get my son what he wants and needs. If these parents don't connect with me on some level, they won't want to join us or invite us over... so.. any suggestions?

[Heather Greek]

um...yeah, I know how you feel. It's too bad we have to get along/agree on some level with other parents for our kids to hang out! I had a mom over once who told me that her and her husband have decided to spank. The only thing I said was" even with what they say about it in most books?" I DID NOT TELL HER WHAT TO DO!
However she snubbed me and i walked past her house and she was out and i asked if something was wrong and she said: uh, i don't like being told how to parent my kid. Excuse me and don't accuse me i thought! How do people think this stuff up...geez?
I don't like that people will stop their kids from being friends because they have a problem with you. I know it's hard, you have to talk when you don't want too.
We don't know any kids around her but one beause we don't go to church or school. We are far from town where the "other" homeschoolers meet-up. Wish you were here,we could hang out and not talk if ya wanted...give each other weird looks and laugh...lol

[Deborah Cunefare]

Nearly six years ago I sent the following email to my county wide unschooling list. My son ended up making connections with two boys who came over to our home nearly every Friday for the next 3 years. I think it helped that I was offering to do all the work to make it happen, even though nobody actually took me up on that - we usually split the driving, with the parents dropping the boys off in the morning and me driving them home in the late afternoon. It definitely made a difference that I was happy to have the boys at our home all the time, both had younger siblings who were grateful to have mom more to themselves for the day, even if it meant an hour in the car in the morning while dropping off their brother. :) Perhaps something similar might work out for you.

"Desperately needed: boys (approximately ages 8 and up) who have time in their
busy schedules to come spend time hanging out with Patrick, age ten. Want to
kick around a soccer ball? Whack around at street hockey? Wrestle and run and
jump? Interested in spending time playing board games? Imaginative fantasy
propped games? Want to hang out in our Lego room and build? How about K'nex
creations? I'll be happy to pick up and drop off, offer lunch and snacks, and
our schedule is wide open (as long as he doesn't mind riding along on
occasional short "taxi runs".) Call or email me to meet us! Introduce us to
your friends with unemployed boys! He's a pretty easy to get along with guy.
:) He's also available to go visiting elsewhere if that'd suit better.

Patrick's social life, already devastated by the moving away of his best
friends one after another AND the moving away of every single boy on the
block, declined to zero when I dropped almost everything while my father was
dying this fall. The stinky weather - too cold to enjoy just riding around on
a bike, no snow to play in - has just exacerbated his restlessness and
dissatisfaction with having only his sisters around, and them not always
wanting to play with him. Help us out, please! :-)"

[Candy Cook]

That's a great idea. It would really work perfectly. Thanks.

[Kelley MONACH]

I can relate to what you are going through. My 14 year old son--a pretty cool kid--very much ahead of himself with maturity and desire to be more adult-like, needs to have friends that do not go to school....same reason, as there needs to be social life for him M-F, not just the weekends.

Problem with us, is that most of the homeschool kids we are meeting are just shy of his age and are less mature, or less whatever it is he is. He is also being really picky I think, as he has 2 great friends who ARE a lot of fun, and are hip and with-it. I guess to him this means 'not nerdy, not too goofy, into skim/surfing and current music'. I don't know exactly, I just keep trying to find things to meet new people--you figure the more people you meet, the higher the chances are of meeting someone who he might click with, right?

I tell him, look--they don't have to become your best friends. Just a few kids you might hang out with during the day, or share time with doing something. And yes...it does require a tremendous amount on our part. I have also a 6 and 9 year old who require a lot of social time. I do a ton of park days for them--less stressful for all the parents I think VS. home visits! But, the oldest has totally outgrown park days--he's had 14 years of them! We live in FL, so we can be outside 12 months a year, thank goodness, but this is not helping my oldest.

Yes--I have found myself needing to really stretch for the sake of the boys. I have to leave my zone of comfort...but you know what? After a few times, I find a comfort within that "uncomfortable" zone and I am fine. We need to be flexible and open--for their sake. I don't think you have to befriend all these parents, but when they are younger and the kids don't want to be without their moms (my youngest would never go somewhere without a parent still), then yes--there is a certain amount of sociabiliity that I have to muster and keep up. It's ok--it really has been ok. I try to find some common ground, though I do remain true to myself...I don't hide horror well nor even dislike and disagreement. I have just had to learn a bit more tact. This, I guess, is my education...my mending and expansion all at the same time.

Plan park days, bowling days, free museums, dollar movies, etc. Most parks should have inside small gymnasiums that you can use in the winter...plan a duck feeding at a pond...depends where you live what you can do that is easy on you in regards to how intimate the place is which will stretch you perhaps further than feels ok. And yes--a lot of time in the car too if you can GO and PICK up a kid and bring them with you or to your home. It therefore eliminates the need for the social encounter on your part!!

Kelley
http://sandandstardust.blogspot.com

[Candy Cook]

Thanks. I'm going to try, today. We were invited to come play at a park about 25 minutes from home. I've never been there. But, I want to go check it out. My strategy is to pretend like I already know the people. I usually spend a great deal of time in silent observer mode before comfortably interacting. Today, I'll make a full effort to not engage in such introverted behavior. LOL.. this ought to be at least funny.. if not rewarding in a more desirable way.

[Deborah Cunefare]

My Fun Club and local unschooling groups have found that really our teens didn't outgrow park days as much as they outgrew the parks themselves. They wanted parks with climbing equipment big enough for them to really enjoy a challenge, swings hung high enough to be a real thrill. Walking trails. Enough room they could gather and talk about whatever they wanted without worrying they'd upset the littles. When we put effort into finding truly teen friendly parks the teens were thrilled. Not that that was easy! So far we've found only one truly great park for teens in our HUGE metro area, and an additional two that are teen friendly. Still, it's something to consider.

Deborah in IL

[Sarah]

"I now have a community of many unschooling families and we are pretty close. But it happened one person, one family, one connection at a time over several years."

Oh, Pam. That gives me hope.

[Candy Cook]

I live west of Atlanta, near Kennesaw Mountain. I had read about the ARGH meeting. I had really wished I could have gone. But, there was no way this time. I just didn't find out in time. October is a big month for Stone Mountain, aint it? They have that whole pumpkin fest thing, or something.. the Scottish Festival.. But, I'd love to get into helping y'all put something together. If you need help. I'd like to be involved somehow.

We visit the N. Ga Mountains a lot. We go trout fishing, camping and my husband is a bow hunter. So, we spend some good time up there. Maybe next time we're traveling up that way, we could get together somewhere.

[Meredith]

Do y'all know any adults who are into robots? Maybe you can find some through hobby shops. Most of Ray's friends are adults. He's met a few homeschoolers, but none who live close enough to hang out with irl - he keeps in touch via the internet. We work on getting Ray to the kinds of social events where he's likely to meet people with similar interests - fire and loud music, in particular. Since there aren't a whole lot of people around who juggle fire, period, it hasn't even occurred to us to limit our search to kids.