Parental Burnout

[Sunfairie]

OK I am writing here coming off a 2 week stretch of my husband working 7 days a week and for the past 5 days- 12 hour days.
I need a mama break- I know it.

I am just wondering though, when these times-parental burnout- roll around how do you handle family/children/ life and all it brings?

Or am I an anomaly in this occurring as a RUS/US?

What/how do you do to keep yourself in balance with all the time and dedication you have into living and growing in peace with your children without losing "you" or time for you?

I know we are who we are, the parent that is home, the primary caregiver, home care taker.
I know we love to be in this role and are happily doing what makes us happy.
You cannot burn the candle at both ends, be physically tired and then expect to be your cheerful self.
I don't know.
I am tired typing this, but I have been wanting to read discussions around it.
I need some wisdom here.
I hope I made some sense about what I am trying to discover :)

[Katherine]

Would it comfort you to know that this question has been asked before? :D

I have finally taken to heart the great advice to take mini-breaks and put aside the hope that they won't be interrupted. I may have moments all to myself sometimes, but then again... that's not guaranteed, at least it hasn't been for me. Me: needs alone time to recharge. Karl: needs mommy and/or daddy.

When I take small breaks throughout the day, at least two things help: breathe deeply when I *do* inevitably feel ruffled by an interruption (it really helps) and *enjoy* all my breaks, whether I have them to myself or have them to share. It helps to also remind myself as often as possible that Karl is simply being with me as usual. It's not a different day to him if I've been burning the candle at both ends and am not at my best. Sometimes I have the presence of mind to actually make my breaks to be shared with Karl from the outset.

My favorite things to do for myself:
*make a cup of fruit flavored or green tea
*invite Karl to take a bath while I sit and alternately read and talk with him or instead of that, find a CD to share together .... most of the time he may play with his bath toys and interact with them
*pull up something on the internet that we've both been wanting to know about... today it was the Dead Sea and why it's called that
*light a candle, preferably an aromatic one, or light incense
*make some cookies or cook something really yummy for smelling
*TuxPaint for a while (free download from tuxpaint.org)... Karl and I like the "Magic" feature called "Kaleidescope" (thanks for the tip, Maya!) ... I make mine and he makes his own cyber mandalas.
*knit just for the heck of it with no project in mind
*Karl likes to "draw" with his fingers on my face... very relaxing for me :)
*I saw one suggestion a long time ago that stuck with me.. doze here and there while your kids play with cars by using you for a hill to "drive" on... another way to get a massage

[Sandra Dodd]

Keith worked in Minneapolis for six months when the kids were little. Kirby was 11 and Holly was four or five when that started. He was there for three weeks and home for ten days, and we got to visit him once a quarter. They extended it six months. The pay was good and the kids were getting bigger so we bought a bigger house.

They extended it again.
He ended up being in Minneapolis for nearly four years, home once a month for a week. After a while the time and expense and stress of us visiting him wasn't worth it. The company paid for the airfare, but we had to pay taxes on that benefit when we used it, and Keith had a one-bedroom apartment, and it cost money to entertain the family vacation-style, so the visits turned to one or two people going, sometimes, there at the end, or nobody going.

I was hugely grateful for e-mail and phones!

One advantage to the bigger house is that the kids' friends could stay over, and my friends could stay over. Sometimes we had another person or two living with us, and that was helpful for me to have another adult to talk to. A couple of times younger childless couples had breakups and the male partner came to our house to recuperate a while.

Because of the SCA, Keith had squires and I had students sometimes and they would come over, and sometimes one of them would be willing to take the kids to the zoo or a movie. A big family we knew who lived without electricity came a couple of times and stayed the weekend with my kids to play video games and watch movies, and I got to go and do other things.

There were families I knew from La Leche League and we would still sometimes trade or combine kids, and that created shopping opportunities for one mom or the other, and the addition of other kids seemed like a break for my kids, from the monotony of being home with just me and siblings.

-=-What/how do you do to keep yourself in balance with all the time and dedication you have into living and growing in peace with your children without losing "you" or time for you?-=-

I rented lots of kid-shows. I found, scrounged and bought lots of kid music. Sometimes a wall of noise or images can buy the mom twenty minutes or an hour.

These two things might help. They've come to mind a couple of times each while I was writing this:
http://sandradodd.com/howto
http://sandradodd.com/truck

Nothing can replace that breathing Katherine mentioned. Some people get it from running or yoga or meditation. Some have to just learn to do it in the little spaces around picking up toys and making more food. (I did.)

http://sandradodd.com/breathing

[Sunfairie]

Would it comfort you to know that this question has been asked before? :D
Yes t would ;)
I was worried I was falling off the unschooling wagon...j/k....

two things help: breathe deeply when I *do* inevitably feel ruffled by an interruption (it really helps) and *enjoy* all my breaks, whether I have them to myself or have them to share.
yes breath is important and I do feel better when I use that tool.Thank you for reminding me.
Breaks come in many shaoes and forms you got that right..I just need to remember that :)
thanks Katherine for your list of what works for you-I am always grateful for your thoughts.

[Sunfairie]

See Sandra that is just what I needed.
Mine is what it is but then to read your life story of months of time away from your husband puts me back on the block.
I am reaching out to my village and going to bring back in my WONDERFUL mothers helper I used from our homeschool group in the summer when my husbands work took him away then.
He is to work this way through March so I need to be proactive and not try to be super mama/wife/woman all too ften I take this hat and try to run with it only to trip and fall on my face and cause myself burnout.
I really apprecaite your truck link..that was really good...thank you...
The other link I read from you a long time a go but good to read again..and breathing...Pam Sorooshian's piece is good......oh yes...bookmarking that too.
As always, so happy to have you jump in my thread..thank you Sandra.

[Kristen Wheatley]

My only reply would be... don't beat yourself up over it. Don't try to "be it all." Just be yourself, and sometimes that includes being tired and perhaps showing it. Your children may amaze you. I don't know what their ages are, but you may find that they can be more understanding than you think. It is important for them to see you in your entirety. It is important for them to see you under stress, sad, perhaps angry. It can be a very healthy thing for a child to witness these events and behaviors and also get the opportunity to witness how you handle them. Let them in, they may help you. Be willing to let yourself off the hook once in a while. You do not have to be perfect or the always happy parent, just be you.

For me, I escape into a little Sodoku. I need the brain food. I think the complete order and tidiness of it all appeals to some part of me that must crave that. Then after I finish a puzzle I'm fine.

[Sunfairie]

Thank you Kristen.....my kids are 8 and 4. Still very much needing me, mama, no matter what I feel like. ;)

[Gillian Goddard]

My husband was in the Middle East for about 2 years part time and then 4 years full time with trips home maybe for 2 months total every year (broken into 1 to 2 week trips). I started a business while he was gone and it got really really busy for about 2 1/2 years. Now I am freelance writing and counseling but the business is now a cooperative and I have lots more free time.
When I was the only adult in the house I would really relish the night time. The children were early to bed early to rise and so I would have about 2 hours at night. Now they both go to bed later than I do and I wake earlier. The morning hour has now become really valuable or I wake up in the middle of the night to get time. Seems crazy? It works for me.
We have a few computers and my son is glued to World of Warcraft these days (he's 8) and so while he is on the computer I sit close to him on mine and write or read while he is doing his thing in between sitting with him and checking out his play. And my daughter (4 like yours) moves from one thing to the other and I join in sometimes and she plays solo sometimes. It means that I get some time to think about myself but it is usually with lots of interruption.
I have someone who cleans and cooks about 3 days a week and so that makes a BIG BIG difference because otherwise I end up spending all my unscheduled time cleaning.
I love writing emails and blogs and articles, etc. And that's a big place for me to hear myself as a soloist and not part of a chorus. And now that my husband is here for a few months I leave the house between 4 and 5 AM to go and walk or run outside. Greeting the day with quiet dark sunrise and the sound of birds makes a big difference.
And finally, I do lots of emotional work whenever I can. When I'm here alone, on the phone after dark. When my husband is here to stay with the children I go to people's homes and do peer counseling sessions. This last thing is the one that makes the BIGGEST difference - just ahead of the household help. After a good cry my life looks like a lot of fun.

[Sunfairie]

ahhh Gillian

When I was the only adult in the house I would really relish the night time. The children were early to bed early to rise and so I would have about 2 hours at night. Now they both go to bed later than I do and I wake earlier. The morning hour has now become really valuable or I wake up in the middle of the night to get time. Seems crazy? It works for me.
yes this is me...works for me too...

It means that I get some time to think about myself but it is usually with lots of interruption.
This is my house too...

I have someone who cleans and cooks about 3 days a week and so that makes a BIG BIG difference because otherwise I end up spending all my unscheduled time cleaning.
YES! This kills it for me too...I have been actually throwing the idea of having someone come clean for me 2x a month. But I think I would benefit more from my mother helper not to mention money is a sore spot for my husband so I have to choose wisely.

I leave the house between 4 and 5 AM to go and walk or run outside. Greeting the day with quiet dark sunrise and the sound of birds makes a big difference

I just got this freedom too-I rescued to little Carin Terriers and they have been my soul mates with my husband gone so much.
We get up and walk every morning now before my kiddos wake (husband is home in early wee hours) but now they are privy to my early morning wakings and waking earlier themselves and waiting for me when I get back, which burns me a bit b/c that is when I am able to breathe alone, get ready for the day, and have some me time aside from my morning walk.
I think I will ask for another PC/ laptop for Christmas so we have another PC; this has been an issue for us (the kids and I) too recently, as we took the limits off the darn machine and now the newness of freedom has both of my kiddos competing for it and I am lost at even getting a chance back on when they are awake.
Man why I ever thought setting limits or withholding certain things in the home was a good idea was beyond me.

Thank you so much for your reply.....

[M Lewis]

I'm coming to this late (been in the throws of M.O.V.I.N.G.)... I remember when my older ones were little and Tim worked lots and LOTS of hours. About once or twice a week (probably when he saw the crazy look in my eyes) Tim would say "hey just go out by yourself for a couple hours." It was great. But it would have been even better if it were planned out. I usually just went to the library and wandered where I wanted to. But that got old after a while. I remember practically crying and saying "I really, REALLY appreciate when you watch the children so I can go out, but what I REALLY want is for you to take them and leave so I can get something done here at home!" Which he did and that was great too. It's funny but I'm kind of in that old situation again. He's working a lot of hours and Gage is 2 1/2. With the move Gage is very attached to me right now. And he wants me to play with him. Not his big sisters or brothers, but ME. So my car has been rescuing his car a lot! (he's into very repetitive play). All I know is that the MORE I focus on him and give up the idea of trying to do my own thing, the less demanding he gets and the more I end up doing my own thing. I could spend some of that time being frustrated that he wants me to do the SAME game...AGAIN... but if I'm going to be with him, I'd rather enjoy being with him. Enjoying our time together takes just as much time as being frustrated by our time together would. Go figure. ;-)
Mary