Question about unchooling with my 4 boys...

[Kristie Visser]

Hi!

 

I have 4 boys - 5, 4, 2 and 1yo.  I'm hoping to start unschooling in the new year with my oldest, but for now I trying to implement the principles on my younger boys...

 

I have a question - I'm a little worried about how I can manage unschooling with 4 boys - just from the perspective that if one is interested in going to the zoo and 3 aren't or vice versa (for example) how do you work that out... I understand where possible I would leave those that don't want to be involved at home but that isn't always possible as my husband works. 

 

An issue we currently have (that wouldn't change when unschooling) is if someone has a sport/hobby class and then I have to pull everyone away from what they're doing to take them...

 

I assume more people have the same issues and was wondering how you deal with this in your family?   Thanks!

[laura bowman]

at those ages my kids didn't mind going to things, it's only now that they are older (and can be home alone) that they sometimes opt out of some event or get together, but not too often.

 

anyone else with several younger kids have this issue?

[Meredith]

An issue we currently have (that wouldn't change when unschooling) is if someone has a sport/hobby class and then I have to pull everyone away from what they're doing to take them...

 

Can you trade rides with another parent so you're not going every time? Can you schedule for a different day or time? If that's not possible all the time, look for ways to make the outting less of an interruption for the other kids. Bring toys and games, even movies in the car. Do things other people want to do while you're out - maybe while the one is in class, or on the way home. Stop and get everyone a $1 ice cream. Invite a friend or two along - sometimes that can break up the usual family dynamics and make things easier.

[Kristie Visser]

Thanks for your replies! 

Meredith - I will definitely keep that in mind!  Thanks!

 

[Nance Confer]

How do you handle it now?

[Kristie Visser]

Nance, I pretty much do that now but just wanted some opinions/new ideas...Yesterday my son had Tae Kwon do after school but the boys were excited to go because we got a snack at the shop and headed to the playground.  It was nice and sunny so we stayed quite a while! It was all good with no tears...everyone had fun!  Oh, and I've put kids music in the car - we're 15min out of town so the kids love to have a sing a long in the car!

I guess sometime's in the past I would have just been thinking of getting them in the car and that I needed to get somewhere, rather than actually focussing on how to make it fun for them at the same time...

[Meg Fraser]

Unschooling is about meeting everyone's needs, it's not unparenting. So, if one child has to be at soccer at 3pm and other kids need to stop doing what they're doing in order for that to happen that that's what happens. YOu spend the day telling them that their sibling has their activity that day and it shouldn't be an issue! 

 

Having said that ... can you imagine a kid not wanting to go to the zoo? Even if they all want to see different things at the zoo, that's manageable! 

 

One question ... why set an arbitrary date to "begin" unschooling? The reason I ask is because I did it lol I eventually realised that there was no point waiting and just dived in head first! It was the best thing I ever did ;-)

[Meredith]

YOu spend the day telling them that their sibling has their activity that day and it shouldn't be an issue!

 

I want to clarify this point because it's true to an extent, but not necessarily in the "suck it up and don't argue" way some people might envision. It does help to be matter-of-fact about pre-arranged plans rather than asking and fussing and cajoling. Sometimes parents new to unschooling go all the way from "mom's way" to asking the kids' input on every little thing, and that can be hard on kids. Even adults don't like to be asked to re-think plans at every turn! But if kids are balking and unhappy at the idea of going out, it also helps to be considerate of their desires and interests. In the short term, make things easier on them in terms of getting to do things they want to do and in the longer term, if some kids need more time at home and others more time out and about, look for alternative ways to get the more extraverted kids out to socialize. 

[Nance Confer]

Sometimes, Kristie, you do just need to get everyone in the car and get somewhere. Things happen. But if, most days, there is a lot of discussion about what today holds for all of us, what nice outings, what necessary stops, and if there is a lot of choice and something at least moderately interesting to do while waiting. ..  that goes a long way toward paving trust that Mom is not just always going to haul us here and there and if she says she needs to suddenly do that, there's probably a good reason.

 

Nance

 

 

[Kristie Visser]

Meg, I'm basically implenting what I have learnt in baby steps to our youngest 3 especially. We are having such an amazing time at the moment... My 5yo is in Prep (maybe Kinder in US?) He had a kind of slow start to embracing school and I haven't been a fan...I guess I was waiting for something to happen to give me an excuse to homeschool (probably sounds crazy!) Now with all my research I definitely want to unschool...he is now going quite happily to school - however, he comes home really cranky and picks up a lot of things from school that I don't want him showing/saying to his little brothers, he is also very bright and I honestly believe he has learnt most of what he knows at home anyway!!! I feel like we have quite a disconnect happening that usually takes a a good 4 or 5 days to get past...So, now I'm more for unschooling but I'm not sure that he is...I figure he is better off at this stage finishing off the year and then he can de-school over summer holidays (Dec/Jan)...then I feel I'll be more able to say to him to give it a try and see how we go...

Thanks Meredith and Nance for your replies!  They make a lot of sense!  I think sometimes that's why people are concerned with unschooling because it seems like people just turn into passive parents and let their kids run wild!  I can see with all the reading I've been doing lately that it's definitely not like that!  It honestly seems crazy that some of these solutions don't come easily to me when it really seems like common sense...

[Meg Fraser]

I'm in Australia ;)

 

I didn't like what schooling did to my daughter either, I now see the way she was when she came home as stressed out behaviour. They spend all day behaving unnaturally, sitting still, being quiet, having to beg permission for bodily integrity (eating, peeing, sleeping etc) and then when they come home they practically explode out of it! 

 

Meredith, I absolutely don't mean it to seem like a "suck it up" thing. I mean that kids get used to the routines of weekly activities and self regulate their days accordingly.

[Kristie Visser]

Sorry Meg!  I absolutely agree - my son barely eats or drinks all day at school which definitely contributes to his mood.  I also feel like the mainstream way I was parenting contributed to his overwhelm of having to follow rules and act a certain way at school all day and then basically come home and face more of it.  He's also quite a perfectionist (probably partly from the way I raised him - I'm so embarrassed with some of the crazy things I've done - making sure he does things just so - even the way he used to play sometimes!!)  I was never nasty and never smacked but I find now he says the opposite to me in a lot of ways probably just to exert some control of his own!  It's funny because I was like that with my own Mum but I didn't connect the dots until just lately, realising that he craves that freedom to be his own person just like I did. 

Thanks for the feedback! - we'll see how school holidays go -  I can't force him to stay home...although I have given him a lot of space with school - if he's tired or wants to stay home I've let him so he's had quite a few days off over the year...

[Meg Fraser]

No you wouldn't force him to stay home, but you can ensure that his expectations of schooling are realistic. For example if he thinks that school is about playing friends all day and learning really interesting stuff and that teachers are just the bees knees (usually based on the propaganda of schooling that we see on tv and in the community too) then you can guide him so that he understands that his needs will be met in a home environment. 

When I first pulled my daughter out she had concerns about friends and learning, but over three years in she would never in a pink fit set foot in a school again. I think that you have to set aside a year at least in order to find out if it's working. The de-schooling period can have some intense periods which can make unschooling seem like a bad idea, but in reality it's just de-schooling. Once you are all fully de-schooled then I promise you, you'll start to enjoy it!

 

One of the things I frequently say to people is that you can de-school a child relatively fast, but for an adult who came to the idea of unscholing in their adult life, after having been schooled, there will be some complex de-schooling before it all sits properly with you. My parents were both teachers, my partner's parents were both teachers, I grew up schooling, I believed public school was the best way to educate kids. Unschooling was a massive paradigm shift but it was worth every little bit of agony lol When I pulled my daughter out we had to de-school together, and one thing I discovered is that de-schooling is a process of ebb and flow, some weeks you're fully embracing unschooling, other weeks you have some lingering doubts. What I'm trying to say in this big blab is that it takes a while for you to fully settle down and unschool, so don't sweat it if by the end of the summer holidays you're not feeling like you've owned it yet, give it time!

Here's a blog post I wrote about my experience of pulling my daughter out. Keep in mind she was in yr 5, not prep so it is obviously different in your case!

http://unlearntatlast.blogspot.com/