Questions about 3 year old in structured situations

[Bea Mantovani]

I just came back from a dance class for homeschoolers (ages about 3 to 6) and it was a nightmare. Dd (just turned 3) does not listen to instructions, and absolutely refuses to do anything she does not feel like doing... She doesn't just sit and watch quietly, she jumps up and down on her own, and when I tell her we have to be quiet, she says no, we have to be loud. Lol . We ended up leaving after 15 minutes, when I saw that the situation was bound to escalate.

Please reassure me: It's okay to not go to a class until she specifically asks to go, right?

Lately, even the library is too much for her (I tell her let's be quiet and she says no, let's be loud :-s) It seems lately that home, a friend's house, or the playground are the only places that I can take her without disturbing every body else's peace because Linnea won't comply with the rules.

It's okay to limit our time to these places for a while, until she can handle more rules, right?

And if not, what am I doing wrong?

Bea

[Alex Polikowsky]

My son Naruto ( now 6) was like that. This fall he has been attending everal classes and clubs( TaeKown Do, chess, lego, teather, cub scout) and he loves it. But at 3 forget it!
I tried a few with no success so I just did not do it. Most 3 year olds are not ready for it.

Let it go and wait.She has her whole life to do stuff like that ...or NOT!

[Deborah Cunefare]

When Patrick was 3 he absolutely wasn't interested in taking any kind of classes, or spending time away from mom. At 16 he's spending a vast amount of time each week traveling back and forth into the city for ballet. He was complimented just yesterday by his instructor for his attention to class etiquette. He didn't need to start at 3 to be okay at 16.

Oh, and I didn't take him to the library at newly 3 either. He was really into dumping books off shelves at that age. :) I left Patrick and his twin Sarah at home with my husband while I took the older kids to the library, till they got to where it was possible to do daytime trips without chaos again.

There's no rush. Honest. If anything, kids who haven't been pushed/forced to "grow up" act more appropriately later on, not feeling such a need to assert their independence.

It's better for everyone if kids not be put into situations they aren't prepared to handle. I always used to tell people I wouldn't put my kids into activities until they begged. It's only a little bit of an overstatement. :)

And really, a highly structured dance class for ages 3-6 requiring time spent sitting quietly watching is just not particularly age appropriate for the 3 and 4 year olds.

Deborah in IL

[Katherine]

I thought when Karl was 3 that a certain amount of avoiding certain places was perfectly fine (especially if he didn't seem really interested while there or if people seemed to expect docility or quiet). A certain amount of noise is expected wherever you're going to be with said 3 year old, and short periods along with some fun distraction in order to leave after a few minutes worked well with Karl a good bit of the time (not always but mostly).

Occasionally I put in comments that in (for instance) the library, people are trying to concentrate and they need quiet to do that. (Real neat when a 3 years says "Mommy, what's concentrate?" in a piping nonlibrary voice.) I didn't expect him to be quiet. Any comments I made were purely informational, an introduction to the concept, as it were. Naturally such ideas makes sense as the 3 year develops into an older child.

And look around. I watched the reception Karl was getting (still do). I have pretty much always felt welcome in some places. At first I felt very anxious about having a 3 year old being all loud in the library. Most libraries prepare for kids. All the branches in my region have a children's area. Karl could handle a half hour story time inviting lots of clapping, signs, songs, and dancing. Other than that, he played with the train, the megablocks, puppets, puzzles and so on with other kids there.
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[Tracy Liebmann]

Hi Bea :-) Yes, it is absolutely fine to do or NOT do anything!! Linnea is still VERY young, it is society that is telling us our children "need" these extra classes/activities...we don't have to do them. Have Dance class at home, you can both get your groove on...with NO rules...how fun!

Actually when I look back, putting my children in situations where they had to be told do this, wait for that, you have to be quiet were more harmful to our relationship and to their inner knowing than helpful! Relax and do what *feels* good to the both of you...she has her whole life to dance...in class or all alone :-)

[Julie B]

Not odd or wrong at all. I've never been to a class with 3.5yo Dmitri because he doesn't seem inclined that way--doesn't want to do what others are doing, would rather watch for close to an hour before engaging in social situations, almost always has an idea a little off from what someone else wants him to do. Just wouldn't fit.

Free play centers, museums, and the like--those are much better for us!

[angie]

you said..."she jumps up and down on her own,"
my son was like that too, he would not do anything until he was ready, i too tried to take him to dance classes because he was always dancing and singing at home so i thought more of the same, and under someone else's instruction but all he wanted to do was dance to his own tune!
he would not listen because he wasn't ready to try anything other than his own style...i almost put him off dancing altogether.

[Terra]

I haven't read the other responses, and my daughter's not quite 3, but I thought I would weigh in on this....

Sounds like she isn't ready. Just stick with the stuff that keeps everyone sane.

My daughter is similar. Cannot do structure or rules. We have a botanic garden nearby that has a children's program - she does well there because she can leave an activity at will, with no pressure from anyone. We go to the park and the beach. We hang out at home.

We tried to do a weekly art group with other families, but although it was totally unstructured while we were there, it was done at a set time each week - she had a hard time getting out the door to get there, and when it was time to leave, she had a tough time with that. So we bowed out and keep it all as loose as possible now.

It'll probably change with time.