Radically Unschooling "Special Children"

[Janis Newsom]

All our children are very special of course, but I have been unschooling almost 5 years now and I wonder if anyone else is unschooling a child(gasp I am about to use a label)......a child on the autism spectrum. My oldest son has Aspergers syndrome and I am actually glad to have this label because it only benefits him for me to know more about how he works internally. Anyhow, I am looking for other moms who are radically unschooling other children with similar specialness:) I worry sometimes that I should be doing different things with him than my other 5 children because of this label, but I know God has led us down this path and it has only benefitted him to do anything that interests him even if his interests are very limited. He has few interests, but the ones he has are so superb, I sometimes envy how much he can devote himself to something he truly loves and cares about. Its simply amazing! Anyhow I am new to the board and I just want to thank this board for being here, for support, for others seeking this path and for the commonalities we all share. Nice to meet everyone!

Janis

[Sylvia Toyama]

I've run into a lot of unschoolers whose kids likely would end up on the spectrum, if tested and diagnosed. I have one who would. If the online screening tests I've seen are any indication, I fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. Really, for me, with unschooling it's a non-issue tho. It's certainly not what defines who we are, either as unschoolers or just as people.

In recent years, the numbers of kids with spectrum qualities has sky-rocketed. I think that is in large part due to a narrowing of the definition of *normal* for people. There have always been people who don't fit the average expectations for a population at large.

We recently considered, even explored, having our middle son diagnosed. I talked it over with him, whether he thought it would be helpful to have a label that might give us some new tools for coping (I was feeling very out of tools, and at a loss for how to help him with some issues). He and I even discussed it with his regular doctor. We got a referral, thought about it for a few more days, called to set up an appointment, and never heard back from the doc. In the meantime, there were more conversations, where I found out more of what was going on inside his thoughts and heart. Along the way, I looked more into myself and gained some insights -- some easy to follow, some less easy to explore and sit with. I've decided that it's good we didn't get to actually talk to the referral doc. We've found new tools and insights on our own, and I'm confident that, right now, a label wouldn't really add anything helpful to our life.

I think many people find homeschooling or unschooling because their child doesn't fit into society's box, but I don't necessarily think any further labels are helpful for everyone.

you said:
I worry sometimes that I should be doing different things with him than my other 5 children because of this label,

****
This is where I'd be concerned about a label getting in my way. Even without labels, I find myself doing different things with each of my 3 kids, because they're very different people, and their needs from me vary. My needs in my relationship with them vary, and each situation calls for an individual response. I'm very aware that Will's Mama is not exactly the same as Andy's Mom or Dan's Mom -- but I do my best to be the best mom to each of our boys. Really, they don't need the same Mom. Each boy needs his Mom to be respond to him in the way that best supports him.

Even if your oldest son didn't have a label, he'd still have different needs than those his siblings have, which is all as it should be.

[Sandra Dodd]

-= I wonder if anyone else is unschooling a child(gasp I am about to use a label)......a child on the autism spectrum.-=-

LOTS and lots. The reason you don't know is that they're treating each child as an individual and helping each one out right where he or she is!

Sylvia responded to this too, but I was wondering what kind of things you were envisioning when you wrote "I worry sometimes that I should be doing different things with him than my other 5 children because of this label..."

[Sylvia Toyama]

I wondered what that meant, too. I've seen many people use labels (of all kinds) as the reason unschooling *won't work* for a particular child, or maybe even for the entire family.

I agree that there can be times when a child's particular needs result in different responses to situations. Knowing my child will be who he is for much longer than the time he'll spend living in my home, means I need to find ways he can get his needs met even when I'm not there to tell him what he can't have/do *because he's different* from other kids.

I've also found, that each of my sons presents to me different situations, almost continually it seems some days. I really can't say Andy (who likely is somewhere on the spectrum) is harder to parent than Will (who's so much like me at his age, he can drive me mad) who, at 8yo, tested perfectly *normal.*

[Janis Newsom]

I guess I should clarify that sometimes because of his differences, I wonder if I should be sitting with him and trying to get more expanded learning opportunities for him.(like forced expansion lol) We introduce him to everything we are doing, but I sometimes worry because his interests can be limited, if he will get all he needs to succeed in life. He is SUPER into Madagascar(the complete box set) so I bought the movies of course and the books. We have gone on little trails about animals, animation, tv, blue ray, dvd, etc. Its been fun. I have to say also, I am super excited because he wanted a calculator recently and we grabbed one at the $store the other day and he has fallen in love. He has been learning all about the +/-/X/% symbols and he has some spiderman flashcards he like quizzing himself with everyday. He actually takes this stuff to his clubhouse(treehouse) everyday to "do his math" lol and he made this ritual up all on his own and carries it out almost 7 days a week. I guess sometimes its good to sit and write about it because it seems like he is thriving so well when I get it down in type. Anyhow, he has not actually been officially diagnosed, each dr/nuero/gastro have all mentioned it and I got the
Oasis guide to Aspergers and devoured all 500 pages in about 3 days through a lot of tears. It hurt in some ways to even read it. I felt like I knew deep down he had it, but it hurt because I love how unique he is and so many things I found so unique and quirky were in the book and I suddenly felt robbed like someone just told me that my son only has this fun/quirky personality because of a brain disorder. I don't know. I found a lot of it empowering, but also disturbing. This was 3 years ago and I still have never touched the book again or went for formal diagnosing and testing because I love Wyatt for who he is and I knew which label fit him, but I didnt want him to know or to feel different. I love how comfortable he is in his own skin. I would never want to change that and I know if he knew that people thought he had a label, it would crush him. Anyhow, it is just so awesome to have found this forum. Sometimes I feel like I am so different from my mainstream friends that its hard to want to have them as friends:) Do you find yourself loosing friends over their parenting styles? I never force my style on others, but I recently told my hubby I cannot hang with one of my friends anymore. I cannot stomach hearing anymore stories about how she drug her 2 yo out of the store by his leg and ear??? Isnt that abuse? I have told her of Unconditional PArenting and Mindful Parenting and a few other good parenting books that I cherish, but she is very od fashioned in her styles so I once again get to feeling isolated and strange for actually liking my kids lol

[Sylvia Toyama]

More info is always good when you're looking for ideas to help your kids. Thanks for posting particulars.

You said:

I guess I should clarify that sometimes because of his differences, I wonder if I should be sitting with him and trying to get more expanded learning opportunities for him.(like forced expansion lol)

I'm not crazy about forced anything. I know there are people who make the argument that they learned things they love, but only because someone forced them to. Okay, so you came to love what was forced down your throat -- what did you miss learning in that same timeframe? What I mean is, was that just a case of making lemonade when, left to their own passions, they might have found champagne? Really, you'll never know and neither will your child. Once we choose to drag a child down path B (our choices), path A is very likely not an option, at least not at that time.

We introduce him to everything we are doing, but I sometimes worry because his interests can be limited, if he will get all he needs to succeed in life.

Maybe it would help to not think of it as introducing, but just inviting him along on the adventure?
Can you substitute the word *focused* for limited? And how will success be defined? By him, or you, or society at large? In my own life, I've worn SO many different hats -- single working Mom; supportive sister/auntie; secretary/office manager in a non-profit; married working Mom; at home Mom; unschooling Mom. It's been an evolution. Skills that served me well in one capacity are useless in another, and there is really no way I could have anticipated what I'd need to know or where I'd end up. It's impossible to know and prepare for all eventualities or to be assured of success, no matter what path one takes. If you use up all of today's energy worrying about tomorrow, you'll be too tired to enjoy any future successes, and the self-doubt can eat you alive.

He is SUPER into Madagascar(the complete box set) so I bought the movies of course and the books. We have gone on little trails about animals, animation, tv, blue ray, dvd, etc. Its been fun. I have to say also, I am super excited because he wanted a calculator recently and we grabbed one at the $store the other day and he has fallen in love. He has been learning all about the +/-/X/% symbols and he has some spiderman flashcards he like quizzing himself with everyday. He actually takes this stuff to his clubhouse(treehouse) everyday to "do his math" lol and he made this ritual up all on his own and carries it out almost 7 days a week. I guess sometimes its good to sit and write about it because it seems like he is thriving so well when I get it down in type.


It sounds like you're still looking for some schooly signs that learning is happening. Is your child happy? Is he excited about his days, and fulfilled in his passions? Do you see him becoming more confident and self-sufficient as time goes by? Those are the signs that most thrill me. When I have a casual conversation with my kids (usually in the car or at bedtime) and I hear the things they know I am floored by how much they learn each day, just living their lives.

Anyhow, he has not actually been officially diagnosed, each dr/nuero/gastro have all mentioned it and I got the Oasis guide to Aspergers and devoured all 500 pages in about 3 days through a lot of tears.

Yep, those books can do that to you. I've read a few that helped me to understand my kids (and myself) -- The Out of Sync Child and The Highly Sensitive Child were both good, especially when I ignored the chapters on how to manage in school.

I find that the Autism/Asperger's books are anxiety-inducing for me. There's some validation in knowing I'm not the ONLY person in the who has struggled with one thing or another, and to know that some of us -- kids and adults -- are just quirky for completely internal reasons. For me the help stops when they start using words like disorder. My child is not disordered. I'm not disordered. Who decided what the proper *order* is for someone else's brain? Without knowing what one's life will bring, how can anyone decide what the order of the thinking/acting process should be?

It hurt in some ways to even read it. I felt like I knew deep down he had it, but it hurt because I love how unique he is and so many things I found so unique and quirky were in the book and I suddenly felt robbed like someone just told me that my son only has this fun/quirky personality because of a brain disorder. I don't know. I found a lot of it empowering, but also disturbing.


It's meant to disturb you, so you'll run right out have him diagnosed and *fixed* to be the way you're told he should be. And, yes, the unique qualities that make your son who he is are wondrous and magnificent. If you treated those out of him, he'd be robbed.

This was 3 years ago and I still have never touched the book again or went for formal diagnosing and testing because I love Wyatt for who he is and I knew which label fit him, but I didnt want him to know or to feel different. I love how comfortable he is in his own skin. I would never want to change that and I know if he knew that people thought he had a label, it would crush him.


It's wonderful for you and Wyatt that you see this. Even when he's not comfortable in his skin, he can still find what does make him comfortable, and you'll be much better able to support and help him in this because you value his uniqueness.

As to other people knowing or labeling him -- who cares what other people think? Those other people don't love him like you do. And you aren't the only one who'll ever see and appreciate him for who he is. Trust me on that.

And, yes, many of us find it hard to keep friendships with those who parent differently than we do, especially when their methods are abusive. Maybe it's time to find new friends.

[Janis Newsom]

My new friend, thank you so much for your post. It gave me so much confidence and lots to think about. I appreciate all your input and its so relaxing to hear others who are not worried about anything "Schoolish" happening. My kids are learning, growing, loving and living, chasing their passions and enjoying their freedoms and I am so grateful someone else sees it this way and not in a way that I am somehow neglectful. You see, I came in search of a support forum because I was recently told by someone that the way I choose to homeschool is somehow neglect on my children educationally. My husband is so supportive and definately on the same page so he actually told me to find some like minded people so I wouldn't be brought down by an absurd comment like I received. Anyway, I am so glad I found this board!

[Sylvia Toyama]

Janis, have you looked for local unschoolers to hang out with? I don't know what groups may be near you, but I know there are lots of unschoolers in the SoCal area. Having a community of like-minded friends for our family is an amazing resource. They truly are our *chosen* family.

[Janis Newsom]

I have, but have been unsuccessful. My Christian homeschooling group has almost 100 families, NONE of who unschool so that has been hard.

[Charissa Vaunderbroad]

Many people (past teachers, family members, psychologists) believe my son has autism (and I myself have many of the symptoms.)
Most of the people who have pointed it out to me thought I would benefit from programs available from the government and wanted me to put him in special ed. I read a few books about autism but felt it was a gross over simplification of my son's personality. I also find that the rights of special needs students are infringed upon by some of the restraint methods that are acceptable in public school programs.

I used to worry about him so much, he had so many worries and seemed obsessed with certain things, the more I tried to vary his activities and get him to not worry the more it backfired and effected his self esteem. Then I had a discussion online with an unschooling mom who pointed out that his interests and worries were valid I realized she was right and I stopped being controlling and now he is happy, that is the short and simple version.

Now that he is ten and more outwardly social with more varied interests they act like I am supermom and say how I cured him.
Which is a load of crap, one of my favorite homeschoolers in our neighborhood is a teen with aspergers, he's quirky and awesome and really has self love. Sometimes I wonder if he would have so much fun if people focused on his"disorder" more or if his parents explained it to everyone.

I try to my "inner voice" when it comes to my parenting style and if I had let the highly trained adults that pointed out my son's differences all those years ago guide my decisions as a parent I would have a very different child.

I think you are doing great don't let worries ruin your joy.

Many years ago my son was having a hellish time with germ fears and hand washing so I did a lot of research into ocd therapies and we made a comic series called the Samurai antibody kills the germs, which was fun and I would talk to him about how strong our bodies are and would reassure him about his fears when I sensed he was worried and then We read a book I can't remember the name but it had a character called OC Flea and it was about a flea that needlessly worried some animals and we would yell Shoo Flea! when he was having a hard time with all that. I had to read alot and think about what we could use to help him that was fun and healthy and it seemed to work because he isn't scared anymore.

I don't think psychologists have it all figured out I read their theories like I read horoscopes, as one way to look at things, but theories that need questioning.

[Sara]

Unschooling has given my family the freedom to drop the label. It served its purpose in the beginning when we were trying to figure out how to live more peacefully together. My husband and I learned better how to understand our "special" child, but once the awareness was there, we moved on with our life.

[Joni Zander]

Janis, even here in Corvallis, where unschooling is widely known and widely accepted, it seems the the unschoolers in the Christian homeschooling group feel a need to stay "underground". Most of them don't want anyone else to know that they unschool.

You may have more success finding an unschooling group and then finding Christians within that group if that is important to you. Or you could just find an unschooling group and enjoy the diversity! grin

Janis Newsom said:

I have, but have been unsuccessful. My Christian homeschooling group has almost 100 families, NONE of who unschool so that has been hard.

[Cas McCullough]

I'm new here too! Just noticed this thread and found the discussion really interesting. We have two boys (three altogether) dx with Autism and Aspergers. For me, the label was a means to an end. For son no. 2 who is more classicly Autistic it was an important step for us to take to get him the support he (and we) needed. Other than that, we don't really think of our kids as anything but who they are. We find unschooling works really well for our Aspergian (and there is nothing derrogatory in that... a lot of Aspie people like being called Aspergian because they take pride in being "different") son. He is extremely focused and hates to be distracted by irrelevant tasks (such as eating, going to the toilet etc). Son no. 2 has major language difficulties and it was important for us to learn how to facilitate his understanding and negotiate a clear path for him in social situations. It is really important for him to have us around to help him understand others' motives and actions as he can't distinguish these for himself. Anyway, am being called to the TV room. I hope these comments help in some way.