Slapping

[Terra S.]

My daughter is 3 1/2 years old.  She has been slapping me in the face for a while now.  Sometimes her dad.  No one else.  Actually that's not entirely true - she will slap our dog sometimes too.  

It comes out of nowhere.  She will just walk up and slap me really hard (in the face), then smile.  It HURTS.  Sometimes she follows it up with biting, sometimes kicking.  And while she kicks, she is smiling.  Like it is a game.

A few minutes ago she did it again.  When I told her DO NOT HIT ME, she leaned over and bit my arm really hard.  It brought tears to my eyes, both from the physical and emotional pain.    

My husband keeps asking what we've done wrong.  I don't know how to answer him, and I don't know how to stop these random attacks.  We have looked at various scenarios and cannot find a pattern.  She is very verbal, so we have asked her to tell us with words, rather than hitting.

Recently she saw a show where a character got a time-out for hitting, so she has taken to asking for one after she hits.  That's a different issue - I hesitate to "play along" because I don't want to turn this hitting into a game.  But let me clarify the hitting was going on long before she saw this cartoon.  Oh, and she has also asked for a spanking (?!) a couple of times, which obviously I'm not going to do, and have told her why.

It's to the point where sometimes when she approaches me, if she moves her hand, I will instinctively throw my hands up to block my face.  

We talked to her pediatrician about it (he's a peaceful parenting advocate) and he said to "put on my Darth Vader voice and say 'NO HITTING'."  Well I have tried that to no avail, and that is the only advice he has for me.  He told us "she is a stubborn girl."  OK, so how does that help us?  I need some ideas.  

[Meredith]

Sandra, I checked with Pat and she says she's happy for that list to be anywhere it can be helpful. Its Pat Robinson (aka wuweimama).

[Bettina Zhula Maroni]

Meredith (or Pat?), thank you very much for all these ideas on what to do with a very active child who needs lots of intense body contact. When I read through the thread I realised how different physical activities can be. Ballet is something where you practise to control your body, so it might not be right thing for your daughter, Terra. Actually, it sounds like she could have a lot of fun playing American football.
I also think it is very important to show her that she is still loved even when slapping. This is certainly very challenging for you. Our children need us the most when we are the least able to help them. They feel it is not right be aggressive, violent or hateful and they are afraid that we don't love them anymore. The fact that she wanted to talk about the damage in the bathroom door also shows that she has a need to express her feelings. Have you read "Raising our children, raising ourselves" from Naomi Aldort? The book helped me a lot in understanding why validating feelings is so important and what unconditional parenting means in extreme situations. We are challenged as parents.

[Sandra Dodd]

Thanks!!

Meredith said:

Sandra, I checked with Pat and she says she's happy for that list to be anywhere it can be helpful. Its Pat Robinson (aka wuweimama).

[Terra S.]

The slapping has diminished a bit. We were on vacation for 5 days, and doing lots of active outdoor-type stuff. So far we've been back for a day or so and she's done okay with the decompressing and transition back to "normalcy."

Re: ballet - she asked to take it, and does have a passion for dancing, so we'll likely stick with it. It was entirely her idea and she so looks forward to it every week.
Cracking up about the football (mainly the image of little girls playing)! If they had football for 3-year-old girls, it would mot definitely be something to look into. She has noticed that boys *tend to* play differently (rougher) than girls - but still prefers the company of other girls, and doesn't care to roughhouse with kids at all. Just Mom or Dad.

I've never read the book you mentioned. Thanks for the recommendation - I'm adding it to my list! We do make sure she knows that we love her by saying things like "I love you and I want to help you" for example, when she is feeling angry/violent.


Bettina Zhula Maroni said:

Meredith (or Pat?), thank you very much for all these ideas on what to do with a very active child who needs lots of intense body contact. When I read through the thread I realised how different physical activities can be. Ballet is something where you practise to control your body, so it might not be right thing for your daughter, Terra. Actually, it sounds like she could have a lot of fun playing American football.
I also think it is very important to show her that she is still loved even when slapping. This is certainly very challenging for you. Our children need us the most when we are the least able to help them. They feel it is not right be aggressive, violent or hateful and they are afraid that we don't love them anymore. The fact that she wanted to talk about the damage in the bathroom door also shows that she has a need to express her feelings. Have you read "Raising our children, raising ourselves" from Naomi Aldort? The book helped me a lot in understanding why validating feelings is so important and what unconditional parenting means in extreme situations. We are challenged as parents.

[Terra S.]

Meredith, Thanks so much for all of the fun ideas. I really appreciate having this list and am on my way to print it out.

[Heather Newman]

My 7 year old son needs a LOT of movement in the course of his day. I can always tell when I'm not meeting his needs because he starts hitting, sitting on his brothers or crashing his body into mine. We use many of the activities on the list that Meredith posted and that has made a big difference! We purchased one of those "hoppy horses", the ones like a giant ball that you sit on and hop. It's a great way to get out extra energy, especially when the weather is not that nice. Ethan also likes to use it as a seat while he's playing with his plastic creatures, it enables him to keep moving while he's playing a quiet game :) If we are in a place where we can't do big body movement, we play "squeezy hands", holding hands and taking turns squeezing. This one is good for those rare times that we are waiting in a line somewhere. It can be exhausting keeping up with high energy needs, but my house is much more peaceful when those needs are met. Good luck!
Heather

[Jennifer Peterson]

LOL I am laughing because I have a 4 yr old just coming out of this and a 2 yr old going into it! I once read a book on little boys that gave the example of little boys smacking girls they liked. You said this was just happening to you guys but not really anyone else. What I started to do is letting them know I wanted to play gentle. My boys wrestle and all that so sometimes I think it is harder for the little ones to realize what is just to hard or not nice at all. When my kids will not stop hitting me, I leave. I let them know they are playing to rough and I am not having fun. When they are gentle I let them know I like the way they are playing. I don’t preach and am pretty matter a factly about it. My youngest is two and knows just what I am saying when I say “stop, I don’t like that” or “please play gentle.” I truly believe behind every behavior is a need. For my kiddos it is usually the need to play and wrestle around. If it is out of anger I address the need behind the anger that is fueling the hitting. Kids are not dumb in the least and do not need to be taught necessarily that hitting hurts at this age…it is a way they are trying to meet a need. One of my favorite books is Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids…I read it over and over. Some RU's do not “approve” of family meeting but are family does. We have a family meeting box and the older kids and us will put in the box what we want to discuss. The purpose of the meeting is to brainstorm solutions of needs not being met and fueling disputes. For example, my oldest son expressed the need for time on his own away from the younger kids; so we got him a cell phone and new bike so he could be out on his own. He will ride up to the library or park. For the little ones we use the same strategy such as getting my four year old his own video games so he was not wrecking his older brothers but was able to have more independents with the game system. There is always more than one way to do something…there is always a solution. It requires thinking outside the box and being creative. What may have worked for one kiddo may not work for another.

Peace & Love
Jen