Small forms of disrespect growing into larger forms.

[Mandy]

Hi all,

I was having a discussion this morning with a friend who said something along the lines of "small forms of disrespect that are not mended will grow into larger forms of disrespect".

I have had challenges with this myself for years and to a certain degree I believe that statement is true. But something about it doesn't sit right with me. She is a homeschooler that believes in mild consequences and punishments to stop unwanted behaviors.

I personally have put in the extra effort to head off such behaviors and have rarely used a consequence. I cannot think of the last time my husband or myself did or said anything that could be considered a punishment, but sometimes that extra effort just does not work and sometimes it does continue and escalate. I would like to discuss why this happens despite everything being in balance.

Her example was that one of her kids is constantly pulling the bathroom towels off their racks onto the floor. I think he is six now and he is smart as can be, he certainly knows what he is doing. Because she took my advice and did not put him in time-out or take away something she believes she now has a real problem.

She said it is being done on purpose almost every day despite her making sure all the bases are covered that we have discussed might lead a child to unwanted or damaging behaviors - tired, hungry, stressful day, boredom, lack of choices, connection, personal time, etc. She also has given them a shelf in the bathroom closet with about a dozen towels that they can use for whatever they want.

She also mentioned some curse words being used by him and now a younger sibling that they will not stop despite being asked almost daily now.

I suddenly drew a blank in this conversation and for some reason today I am unable to think this through. I was hoping someone here will get what my tired warbled mind is trying to say and give me some food for thought on the dynamics of this and why even when there seems to be perfect balance in the home children sometimes like to do what they are asked not to do and why they would continue despite being asked not to.

Thank you.

[Elissa Jill]

I've waited to reply to this thread so that I could read all the responses first. There were of course various points that I could respond to but one point keeps getting in the way:

-=-She is a homeschooler that believes in mild consequences and punishments to stop unwanted behaviors.-=-

I have absolutely no idea what kind of advice to give to this person, who isn't even here.
I can help someone with understanding the concepts of unschooling or mindful parenting, when they ask me. But it's really hard to help someone to help someone else. Is this mom interested in learning a new perspective on parenting? Sounds kind of like she may be interested. Maybe the OP could suggest that the mom read a bit about mindful parenting before trying to use the principles to "fix" an issue. (Weird analogy warning: It seems similar to one wanting to learn how to do a full body roll in a kayak, when they've sat in it but never put the kayak in the water.)
Then, when mom begins to understand that it's not the how to stop, but the why it starts that is important, this discussion would probably be much more beneficial for her.

[Robyn L. Coburn]

From what I have read the progression in that household has been pretty simple.

An unwanted (by Mom) behavior.
Retaliations by Mom based on her assumptions about the behavior ("mild consequences")
Escalation of the unwanted behavior.
More serious retaliations by Mom.
Escalation of the unwanted behavior.

If the child's behavior is getting more challenging in response to the parenting strategies, probably the strategies are at fault.

"Doing the same thing and expecting a different result" is the AA definition of insanity.

Behavior is a code. Not just child's behavior. Mom's too.

As an aside...maybe if she just read Joyce's and a few others' words directly it would be simpler. Otherwise the OP could end up being blamed by her friend. You know, shooting the messenger.

As another aside...it shouldn't be up to the older kids, who might have hidden resentments of their own, to choose the discipline to which the younger ones are subject. Should it? That worried me a lot.

[bLISs]

sandra (and others!), after attempting to go to this page on your site i came up not able to retrieve it. turns out the link is: http://sandradodd.com/chores/gift after searching on your site for 'gift'. or is this a different page-am i missing something or did i get BINGO. :O)

i love this...thank you for it. it reminds me that ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING as a parent...as...a human being...despite what children do. or don't do.

pondering this topic, which relates to my blog entry for today, i have realized even moreso that i handled a situation with my daughter even better than i thought i had. but still, i could have done things differently 'in the moment' of the high emotion we were both feeling. i know i won't always be so aware but i'm moving closer and closer to a place of utter love vs. retaliation (consequences...grudge holding, drama...etc.). life is good. love is grand. life is learning...in every which way. i'm so glad i'm one of those people who chooses to grow and not stay stuck. i'm so glad i'm walking AROUND the holes i used to allow myself to stumble into time and time again. my children are going to grow up with such better self esteem than i did and that makes me so very overjoyed and thankful.

Sandra Dodd said:

-=-She is a homeschooler that believes in mild consequences and punishments to stop unwanted behaviors.
-=-

I think it's true. If her disrespect for her children isn't mended, it will grow much larger.

Maybe this would help her:
http://sandradodd.com/gift

[Sandra Dodd]

You're right. I'm really sorry I left a bad link!

I'm glad you found it and brought it here and that it helped, but I'm sorry mine was a dud.

Sandra

[bLISs]

THIS is great.

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Jen H. said: Maybe the family bed is a calm happy place for your grandson, and he wants to carry that calm around with him by having the movable bedding with him.