Stressed w/fighting children!

[Kerry M.]

Hi everyone,

I have been learning alot here lately. I have another challenging problem for you all. How do you keep it all together when you have 7 kids and they are constantly fighting? I am serious, it is really nasty sometimes. They call each other names and even will hit each other. My older kids will call the younger ones nasty names and my 12 year old son tells my 5 year old that he hates him and that he is a pill. How do I keep it together and remain positive and supportive with this going all continuously? My DD who is 9 will call my older daughters bitches ect..

Yesterday was pure craziness! my son was crying because my daughter was going to dance class last night. He decided he wanted to do something new as well(racing dirt bikes)! I told him that it was not a doable thing right now( financially). Everyone was whining, crying and yelling at one another. It was nuts and it really made me mad and feel hopeless. I tried explaining to my 12 year old son about modeling respectful behavior to the younger kids and it just doesnt ever happen. I am beginning to feel like unschooling just can't work for us. I have to seriously wonder if our household can ever have real harmony. My 5 and 3 year olds are constantly fighting and it always ends up in someone getting hurt and crying. My husband then turns to me and says "Why did we ever want kids"? I have to admit it but it makes you feel that way! ( we love em but the noise and fighting are endless). I end up yelling and saying not so nice things to them sometimes. I would appreciate some input on this one.

Thanks,

Kerry

[BetteAnne]

WOW. Sounds like you all need the PEACE of JESUS there. The WORD of GOD will help all stay focused on HIS LOVING and KIND ways. I will pray for harmony in your home. I'm NOT talking about any "religion". Just the PURE LOVE of our LORD and especially Being kind and gentle with one another. In HIS LOVE, .....BetteAnne

[Alex Polikowsky]

THere is a great book called Sibling Without Rivalry

And here some good reading:

http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting

Alex
( sorry being brief but its been busy here and I am pretty tired and going to bed)

[Sandra Lascher-Zires]

Hi Kerry,
Your house sounds a lot like mine. My kids fight off and on all day, every day. Its very challening. I have found that reading Byron Katie really helped me examine my stressful thoughts. Also, I read lots of Marshall Rosenburg's literature. Learning nonviolent communication helped me get rid of lots of judgements I had grown up hearing.

Also, do all of you kids want to be home unschooling? Would they rather be in school or out of the house (perhaps the older kids anyway). I had a great group of friends where I used to live. We traded off watching one another's kids, which was a real win/win for everyone involved. If you don't already have a social network I suggest you explore the idea.

I'd ask you kids to make a list of what they really love to do. Help the kids that can't figure it out. Make as many win/wins as you can.

Also, I designated my room a peace-zone. Anyone who wants to can go in there to get away from the madness when it breaks out.

I hope this helps. I'll send you some peaceful vibes!!
Sandra

[JennyStar]

My DD who is 9 will call my older daughters bitches ect..

Well, are they acting like ones? Name calling isn't nice at all, but sometimes kids know what they are talking about in this regard. If the older girls aren't being nice, they aren't being nice, doesn't matter what you call it.

Looking at your kid's ages, the 9 yr old is clearly the middle child, not really fitting in with the olders and not really fitting in with the youngers. That is a tough place to be.

If this were my family and I had 7 children, I would make sure that they each had safe quiet places to go to be by themselves. The older kids NEED that very much. They need to be able to get away from the little ones and each other. Little kids can feel truly annoying to older kids sometimes. If they know they can get away, they may be nicer.

I don't have a lot of experience with large families at all.

I tried explaining to my 12 year old son about modeling respectful behavior to the younger kids and it just doesnt ever happen.

Perhaps he doesn't feel respected. If he's not feeling respected, it would be hard to be respectful. That age is incredibly difficult to go through for some kids. Their bodies and minds are changing drastically, so much so, that modeling respectful behavior is way too much to expect. He may need to feel more respected before he can truly be respectful or even model it for younger siblings.

My 5 and 3 year olds are constantly fighting and it always ends up in someone getting hurt and crying.

The 5 and 3 yr old need more parental involvement. They need someone there before they get to that point of fighting and hurting and crying. If you have a willing older sibling, they could be a 5 - 10 min stand in if you need to be doing something else for a min. Then get back with them as quick as you can and relieve the willing older sibling with smiles and thank you's. If you don't have a willing older sibling, don't leave them alone, either drop whatever you were doing, or see if they'll go along with what you're doing and make it fun and worth doing.

A very concentrated 10 - 15 min of serious mom involvement will go a long way to nicer kids. You have to be fully in the moment for it to be really effective, and willing to extend the time if needed. Find little ways to connect with each child, each day.

[Meredith]

How do you keep it all together when you have 7 kids and they are constantly fighting?

This is going to sound a little cold, but what is your usual response to fighting? I mean, if you're habit is to yell, or to say things like "how could you treat your sibling that way?" then you have been, essentially, modelling unkind behavior all along. So the place to start, in that case, is to work on changing your own response. I like Naomi Aldort's: Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves for that.

Changing your own response is also important if you've been pretty "hands off" in terms of letting your kids work things out in hopes they'll figure out how to get along peacefully. Kids need a model of respectful relationships, but they also sometimes need a bit of information, a word of advice, even!

Now, excuse me if I'm mixing you up with someone else, but some of your kids are in school, right? They aren't going to have very good social skills, in that case, especially for kids who aren't the same age as they... see where that can be a problem in a family? If all of your kids are home - your profile says you homeschool - there's going to be a transition period as you shift to a more respectful way of working things out as a family. The older kids may need some time to "deschool" specifically from any kind of expectations that they "help" with the younger kids. You might need to talk with the older kids about how and why you want to change the way you are parenting so they don't feel unloved, or resent the little ones "getting away with" things they didn't at the same age. It may help to decare some kind of vacation - even go out of town for a little if you can afford it - to help everyone shift in mindset.

The other thing to remember is that, when people live together there are always things to be resolved. Kids don't have the skills, yet, to do that peacefully on a regular basis without help. A lot of adults don't have those skills! So it will help you to let go of any idea that peace and harmony is going to look like quiet, polite people having friendly conversations all day long. Your kids are going to do some bickering as a part of learning about problem solving, and they're going to do some bickering as a part of being human. So expect some arguements, every day.

The more you can do to help problem solve in creative ways, the better. All your kids will start picking that up the more they see it. If you want, throw some specific examples out to us and we'll help you brainstorm more options!

[Melissa]

I would like to also suggest the book Siblings without Rivalry. It is a quick and easy read. It is helpful and not too difficult to embrace. In fact, I have a copy and would be willing to share it with you and your family. I could send it to you. If by any chance you have a book like Homeschooling our Children Unschooling Ourselves or the Unschooling Unmanual or maybe Moving Puddles, or anything else that you have found unschoolish.......maybe we could swap :-) I love unschooling books, but have found the budget has run dry. LOL. If you can't swap, no worries. I would gladly send it your way. It helped a bad situation over here get much better. Let me know and I will send it your way. If anyone else has any books they want to swap or give or sell cheaply, please let me know.
Peace,
Melissa

[Meredith]

My husband then turns to me and says "Why did we ever want kids"?

Something I've done periodically, when I've been overstressed with parenting, is to actually think about that very thing - why did I want kids? Touch base with all those feelings all over again. It has always helped me look at my kids with a fresh attitude. Its amazing how much that altered perspective can help.

[Alex Polikowsky]

Hey Kerry,
I have all those books above! You just need to come visit!
(wink, wink!)

[Kerry M.]

Hi Melissa,

I think I have every book on your list! I borrowed a couple of books to my mom. I have been reading everything possible. I have " Learning all the time", " The unschooling handbook", " The book of learning and forgetting", Christian Unschooling, The unschooling unmanuel, and a few others. I would consider a trade possibly. Oh I also just ordered the Moving Puddles book from Amazon. I think I ordered it because it was a little less expensive from them. I am looking forward to reading it. I don't know if you go on Amazon at all but usually you can buy used copies of certain books from there for less. Just an idea.

Thanks,

Kerry`

[BetteAnne]

Is everything going better? praying for you and your family. i do not allow fighting or bickering, it is all a matter of respecting one another. We are all created on GOD'S image and so we can not hurt with words or actions because then we are hurting what GOD has created. Hands are for LOVING and so are our words. If we don't have anything nice and pleasant to say to or about each other we do not say it. We can express our feelings in a kind and sensitive way.

[Slinky]

How do you accomplish not allowing fighting or bickering and saying only pleasant things about people in an unschooling fashion?

I personally can't imagine a child that does not ever fight or bicker and always says nice things. Heck I can't imagine an adult like that.

[Sue Patterson]

We went through a period of time when kids weren't getting along that well. I didn't have seven, but the principle is still worth looking at. I think I'd call the whole group together. Tell them it's obvious that everyone is frustrated. They're not feeling like anyone is listening. They need to be able to say what is really getting on their nerves - without interruption. Just take turns. You have to be the mediator. Even if they're frustrated with you too, which is very possible. Kids often see favoritism, and maybe to some degree you're showing some. (I did this. Not because I loved one more. But because one coped better, so I asked more of them).

Tell them that the point of the "meeting" is that Family Harmony, is the most important thing to you. Nothing else matters. They're going to be with each other for the rest of their lives - and that is probably going to be long after you're gone. So they're relationships with each are INCREDIBLY important to you. And even though right now, these relationships don't seem *that* important, they will.

So, how about if each one says one thing they don't like that someone else is doing. (and you help that person see if they can stop doing that, or why they *are* doing it) And then, they can think of one thing that someone else did that they liked.

If one has a long list of complaints, maybe they can write them down and you can look over the list with them. Help them see what's realistic and what isn't. Talk to those who are irritating them about some of the stuff they could change.

Don't expect the younger ones' attention spans to be the same as the older ones. So plan for that in the meeting. Or maybe there needs to be 2 sets of meetings...older kids and younger kids.

I've already written more than I planned to, but it's a start.