the cost of unrestricting food

[Andy Marshall]

so, we've recently been taking the RU approach of not restricting various things - the big ones being TV and sweets - things that in the past we've been pretty careful / strict with in th epast.
naturally, they have since been happily binging / detoxing on a steady diet of kung fu panda (just started the 3rd viewing of the day and its only 9.19am!), cars, 101 dalmations, cbeebies and sweets.

these things in themselves aren't an issue for us, and we're happily to trust the process and let them get through it in their own time, but th eissue of the cost of sweets is becoming a bit of a problem.
every time we walk past a shop that sells sweets we get the request for sweets, an dnot just a chomp or anything small - we're talking big bags of malteasers, haribo, m&ms - stuff that costs well over a pound a go - at the rate our eldest can go (and also our youngest who then also wants sweets) we could be spending rediculous amounts of money, and more than we can really afford to do.
the trouble is, how to explain to him that us saying no to him is a matter of finances, and not because we are trying to palm him off with an excuse (as we may have done previously)...
we do try to offer other homemade sweet (altho relatively healthy / non-sugary) things thru the day and they're happy enough to have them, but it doesnt stop the draw to shop bought stuff too.

any suggestions / experiences / thoughts are more than welcome!

[Schuyler]

Lidl has good sweets for cheap, they aren't name brand, but their snickers alternative is good their M&Ms equivalent is good. You can make sweets. I made sherbet for the first time a month ago or so which Simon thinks is better than the real thing, and because I used the flavoring we had available, apple, it was different. The butterscotch candy I made has gone while the werthers we had has remained. Make sweets at home, not non-sugary alternatives. They'll have fewer ingredients. The sherbet, for example, is sugar and citric acid and flavoring. Wine gums are pretty easy to make: http://web.archive.org/web/20050408173340/http://www.pingvin.com/ar...

Talk about the money. Come up with an actual amount that you can spend. Sometimes I get stressed about the feeling of a constant drain off repeated requests for something, even if the total amount spent is actually very small. Having an actual amount helps a lot. Go to a sweet shop and buy a bunch of candy and maybe talk about holding a little of the cash back to spend over the rest of the week. Do blind taste tests, go to Lidl or Aldi and buy their equivalent sweets and then go get the name brand stuff and compare. Bring sweets with you so that they can have them whenever you are out and not feel the need to rush into a store and buy the more expensive stuff.

One thing that will help is knowing that the desire will taper off. The novelty of unrestricted access will go away as they begin to trust that the yesses are going to keep coming. We had a chocolate easter egg around for ages until I ate it. Linnaea bought a chocolate orange the other day and had a couple of slices and put the rest in the communal candy bowl and David's been working on them, Simon doesn't really like chocolate. http://sandradodd.com/eating/sweets is a nice series of examples of children choosing food not because it's exciting and novel but because they are assessing what they want to eat and choosing. http://sandradodd.com/eating/halloween is another page of children not rushing to sweets. Oh, and more applicable to your story is this one: http://sandradodd.com/eating/sharing.

It helps to remember why you are doing this, what your priorities are. Right now your children are exploring their new freedom. Soon it won't be a new freedom, it will just be another aspect of their rich and varied life. And if you can stop seeing each bag of Haribo or Jelly Babies as another pound gone that you won't get back and instead see it as a moment when you are building trust between you and them, it may not feel so expensive.

[Sandra Dodd]

One alternative to buy-as-you-go is to say "Let's put that on the list," and then when the shopping day comes, go through the list. Some families have used that well with food and toys both.

Because our children were given food choices from infancy, we didn't have an "excited newfound freedom" stage, but even when people do that, it doesn't mean they need to buy extra things, just not to say no all the time.

Another helpful thing is "monkey platters"--a variety of foods presented in fun ways so the children really are choosing from foods and not from the names of foods or the packaging of foods.
http://sandradodd.com/monkeyplatters
Mine are the fourth and fifth ones down on the left. I've never put marshmallows on mine, or even candy, come to think of it.

Maybe when you go to the store ask each child if he or she wants to add something to the list. Maybe shop without the children, until they're over the frenzy. I don't recommend frenzy, usually, either, but the recommendations of doing things gradually are often missed.
http://www.sandradodd.com/gradualchange

[Sarah Dickinson]

We've got a small issue in this regard, which I'd welcome input on.

We have a drawer in our house that works like a permanent monkey-platter.
The problem is that we know a couple of children who's food is far more controlled than our children's and they tend to come round and empty us out.

I love having this drawer because it makes it easy for my children to eat what and when they want, but I can't afford to be the outlet for other kids snacking needs. They come to visit us after school and they're hungry, and desperate to get the foods they can't get at home.

Any thoughts on how to handle it?

Sarah

[Andy Marshall]

a lock?!
sorry - couldnt resist that one!

could you be a bit more selective about what food is in there on those days so it doesnt have quite the same appeal to the other kids?
i think your idea of the drawer is awesome - and from the photo looks like a really good idea... it also looks like you have a lot of healthy stuff in there along with some sweets - would the other kids clean you out regardless of what's in there or are they only really after the contraband?
i admit its a bit sneaky and not entirely honest with your own kids, but it might reduce the appeal of the "sweeties drawer" for the other kids if theres no frosties, marsh mallows and G&B chocolate in there.
i guess this also depends on forewarning of the raiding party.

sorry - i don't have any brilliant ideas... still trying to get my head round all this too.

[Robin Clevenger]

I would probably also thinking about limiting the choices available during playdates if it's a constant issue with certain foods. We have similar issues with our video gaming systems. My kids have actually asked me to put restrictions on video gaming when certain kids come over to play, since those kids have no video gaming or limited gaming at home and all they want to do here is to game. My kids love to game with friends but it's like a forbidden fruit scenario, they can't go out on the trampoline or run around their forest forts with these friends because they're drawn to the video games like moths to the candle and won't do anything else while they're here. So we do an hour or two on gaming and then take a "screen time break".

[JennyStar]

Ok, this is not completely related, but an idea of generosity and the reality of my own life. My older daughter has a boyfriend. He eats a lot of food. It's expensive, we go through more food in a weekend when he's here, than we would in a week of food for our family of 4.

The way that I can rationalize this expense, is that, my daughter and her boyfriend prefer to spend time at our house over just about anywhere else they could be. I figure I'm paying for the peace of knowing where my daughter is, and getting the added bonus of her company and her willingness to share her life with me. You could think of food expenditures as little investments in future relationships with your children as they grow up and start leaving the house more to explore the world.

Food costs money, there is no doubt about that! Kids need food, we all need it to exist in life. We can find ways to enjoy our existence with food and it's expenses and see the benefits of buying the things that we all enjoy. I figure if I can rationalize buying myself some special treat at a coffee shop, then I can certainly rationalize buying the requests of my children. The most recent request at our house was Monster energy drinks, 1 almond joy, and apples, things that I willingly and lovingly purchased.

I make up our cost by making bread at least once a week, making my own dog food, making huge pots of soup, beans, or the like and freezing half of it, and things of this nature.

[JennyStar]

We've used the two "P's", popcorn and popcycles for neighborhood kids. I buy big bags of very cheap popcycles and I use an air popper to make popcorn. Both of these things are easy and cheap and kids love them. You get to feel generous and kind by feeding all the friends, and very very few parents would complain about either one of those things.

[Bonnie]

making my own dog food

That's a neat idea! I've never heard of doing this. Can you give some more info about that?

[Sarah Dickinson]

Popcorn is definitely a good idea. I do want to be generous, I just can't afford to be generous with the expensive stuff indefinitely. For my kids I know they'll work through any expensive food-phases, but other kids are unlikely to if I'm their only source of chocolate!

Must buy some more popcorn - we had a bit of a popcorn feast recently and ran out!

Sarah

[JennyStar]

I use brown rice, ground turkey and veggies, generally carrots, peas, green beens, spinach, but often other weird things like carrot tops or pumpkin seeds (I don't cook the veggies). Then I'll add flax seeds and if I have it, I'll add psyllium husk powder and calcium from bone meal. Sometimes I put fish oil in it and sometimes I'll throw in E oil. The idea is to make it as whole as possible and mix it up and add extra things here and there.

We've used other fattier meats too because they need the fat and oils, but my dog doesn't digest any other meats well, so we stick to turkey. Other dogs would do just fine with beef, which is cheaper. I put the rice and meat in a big slow cooker and leave it. After it's done and cool, I add the veggies and stuff and then put most of it in the freezer to pull out as needed.

All in all, it's about $10 for almost one month of food. The dog food we used to buy was considerably more than that. My dog is about 35 lbs.

[Marina DeLuca-Howard]

My kids are interested in "junk food" and technology. We have a budget, because we have bills and we have things we need or we will find ourselves cold, homeless without electricity, without computers:)

I think its okay to talk about income, after all your kids are "apprenticing" adults and learning about finances is real world math and planning. It is helpful to go online and show kids your account. The money coming and going to give them a sense of what is happening. They know our income is family income and so needs to sustain the family.

They aren't interested in eating m and m's in a cardboard box, and understand that the latest gadget at the expense of paying our bills will not be recharged if electricity goes off. They do have their own get rich quick schemes involving lemonade stands and it might be helpful to earn extra money. My youngest is six and he has worked really hard on his art occasionally and asked could he sell it for $200 and help us out financially!

I have also handed over large amounts of cash and allowed a three year old to shop for the family. He chose articokes, red peppers and some really beautiful fruits, veggies and had me help him find a cereal without anything artificial. Our shopping trip took several hours, but he really enjoyed me helping him add up the purchases and putting things in and out of the cart was fun. For some reason no junk food was bought, not even ice cream or chocolate or coffee! I asked my son if he wanted get a dessert for after the meals-- we were planning meals as we shopped and the cart filled. He pointed to the exotic fruits he had picked out!

Marina

[JennyStar]

"We have a budget, because we have bills and we have things we need or we will find ourselves cold, homeless without electricity, without computers:)"

I've not found this to be true. Having a budget is helpful for sure, but when one goes outside of a budget, it doesn't mean they will be homeless without electricity and computers. It means they get behind on their bills perhaps, or they have to do some overtime or cut back on some other thing to balance out something else.

There are hundreds of choices within a budget to come up with things to eat and still pay bills. It's not an either/or between "junk" food and paying bills.