Timeout

[Carrie Labinski]

Recently my DD7 has been talking in such a way that has a tone/attitude in her voice. I feel part of it could be due to health issues but nonetheless, it's been hard to handle. Maybe being 7 it's the age too. She can be sweet and kind and then at other times be demanding - likes to be the boss.

My husband and I have been doing time outs (he leans more this way). I tell her that she needs to go into her room until her heart is sweet. She most times will go and then comes down with I think a sincere "I'm sorry". We then talk about what just happened. It just seems that when she does or says something I'm not thrilled with that she's not in the mood to talk it out then so the break helps. I just don't like "sending her away" to her room. Is there a better way to handle it?

[Meredith]

Behavior, including tone of voice, is communication. If your daughter is communicating that she's not feeling sweet and kind, then it would be better for you to look for ways to help her - look don't ask! She may not be able to articulate why she's feeling out of sorts - that's something adults struggle with, and she's little, seven is really little still. So don't expect her to be able to say what's going on with her, look and offer some help. Offer a snack, offer a hug, offer to take her somewhere new, pull out some fun, interesting thing from a closet or high shelf to intrigue her - brighten up her world a little.

I tell her that she needs to go into her room until her heart is sweet.

If you were in a grumpy mood, maybe feeling vulnerable and wanting someone else to help you, would being told to sweeten your heart help? Chances are, you'd feel resentful. Chances are, while you might find a way to please whoever sent you away, it wouldn't be with sweetness in your heart. That's the trouble with something like you describe - you're not helping your daughter have the tools to move through a rough emotional patch so much as you are telling her she has to perform for you.

It just seems that when she does or says something I'm not thrilled with that she's not in the mood to talk it out

"Talking it out" isn't something that works for everyone. That's a personality thing. Some people move through upset by talking, but others find talking exacerbate the feelings - I'm like that. The Last thing I want to do when I'm in a bad mood is talk about it. If your daughter isn't the type to talk when she's unhappy, stop trying to talk to her. Offer some other form of communication and see if that helps - snacks, hugs, little favors, a little time to herself... you'll need to experiment and see what works for her. If time to herself does seem helpful, don't make it a punishment, just give her a little space and quiet. If she's asking for something in a cross tone, get her what she wants - be gentle and kind. You could say something gentle like "please and thank you" as you give her whatever, as a reminder, but going beyond that really doesn't help her learn grace under pressure - if anything, sending her to her room models the absence of grace under pressure, its a kind of adult tantrum.

[Louise Gibson]

My daughter is 8.5, and I've noticed that she started to go through phases like this when she was 7ish too, and I mean big attitude. We figured out that it appears to be a growing phase, with hormone rushes (yup it happens at that age and earlier)
Lots of hugs and tickles help, being met with hugs and love seems to dissipate it really quickly, also recognizing that she is going through a hard time.
I used to tell my daughter, that I knew just how she felt and that it was ok, and then grab and tickle and hug until there is much laughter.
When my 2 were younger prior to us unschooling, our Nanny used to do time outs, I always hated that, and if I ever tried to do it, they just LOOKED at me, it has never worked for us, my kids knew better than me and thought it was dumb too.
Girls seem to go through it worse than boys (I have girl and boy twins), it has been interesting to see the girl go through it, and then her brother about a week or so after she has settled down again, his never lasts as long, but again, hugs and tickles works best.
I really think it is when they go through a growing stage, physically and mentally, things changing in their wee bodies, and they just can't express it in any other way.

[Kelly Hogaboom]

I like what Meredith had to say. I know timeouts are popular and many people use them. I used to.

I could give loads of commentary or advice but I'm running back to my sewing room for fun so I'll say one thing. When I stopped "forbidding" (or punishing) nasty tone/attitude/demands from my kids, and accepted their communication (and followed some of Meredith's advice and other strategies) the INSTANCES of this so-called "snotty" attitude? Went down about 500%. Or more. To almost nothing.

[Meredith]

My kids never responded well to a suggestion that they take a break - they responded more like the way kids tend to react when someone suggests "you look tired" or "don't you want to go to bed." With Ray it helped to offer a diversion - most often a snack, but sometimes a game or something else to do together. With Mo its more helpful if I start to Do something interesting near where she is in such a way that she's welcome to join me. Lately, for instance, she's been having some frustration with a video game with a bad spot in the disc (we've ordered a new one... any day now...) so when I see the game sticking and sticking again I'll set up a PC game - just set up and start playing, and she notices and joins me often taking over the game.

That reminds me - 7 is often an age when kids can feel "at loose ends" a whole lot. There's a developmental shift that happens around this time and it can leave a child much less interested in "little kid stuff" but at the same time not really knowing what he or she Does want. Its a pretty common age to suddenly hear "I'm bored" for that reason - there may be plenty of things to do, but they're all the same old things. Its a good time to look for new things to do and try and strew.

http://sandradodd.com/strewing