Toddlers and Eating

[Amy]

I have been reading about unschooling for about a year now, and we are thinking of radical unschooling as a journey--there's a lot of learning and growing as we go along. I've found that as my daughter (age 2.5) grows and matures, we hit a road block, get frustrated, then figure out how to apply RU and move on.

Right now we are stuck on food. I know that I will have a hard time letting go in this area. The TV, that wasn't hard. But food...this is more concerning to me. We try to eat whole foods and organic when we can afford it, but my husband likes to have chips and similar snack foods, and I eat my fair share of cookies and candy. Here's the problem--suddenly my daughter wants to eat nothing but chips, candy, and cookies. It starts at breakfast, the moment she wakes up she begs for one or the other. First I tried what we did with TV, to let her choose and go with the flow. But it quickly turned into a disaster because what she eats directly controls how she behaves. I don't mean that she's "bad" so much as she is miserable. She will be hyper and clearly uncomfortable, or she'll melt down and cry over every little thing. She's unhappy because she doesn't feel well from eating nothing but junk foods. The problem is, she isn't old enough to understand why she feels bad so she still wants to eat junk food for breakfast every morning.

I've tried a number of different things--not having those foods in the house, which didn't work because she still would cry for hours for the foods even if they weren't in the cabinet. I tried offering her different options that were new and exciting and healthy. I've tried offering her a cookie along with eggs or oats, which sometimes works but not always...one cookie isn't enough. She's very outgoing, active, and strong willed. If you have a spirited child you know exactly what I mean when I say she will come unhinged if things seem unfair or not like she wanted them to be.

I'm not sure what to do, but I am really at the end of my rope. This is seriously leading to her crying all day long. If I give her the foods she wants, she is miserable all day. If I don't give her the foods she wants, she focuses on that all day and we are miserable. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Am I thinking of this from the wrong angle??

[Katherine]

Are you making meals or having food available pretty much all day? At 2, 3 and 4 years of age, Karl would melt down if I didn't have a handy source of refueling and energy right there. At that age, he was growing soooo fast, there was no question of him waiting for me to prepare things to eat. I got good at being proactive about having stuff right there ready to eat.

I offered all kinds of foods, pancakes, waffles, eggs, cookies, chips, raisins, oatmeal, crepes, bananas, cheese, meat, rice, oranges, apples, grapes, you name it. We got blue chips a lot for a while because Karl really LUVs those, and we still get them frequently. Yogurt! He cries if we run out. Most kids really can handle a lot more eating and food variety than we think, and cookies, chips, popsicles (I made mine from fruit juice) are things they can use for nutritious reasons that don't fit adult physiology at all. Sugar is not something adults can use a lot of without converting it to stored fat. Children need it for brain fuel. Don't skimp. It will balance out. There is something in those foods that your child craves that isn't in the other stuff to a high enough degree, and often I found that was fats (!) and the quick energy of carbs with some protein added if Karl wanted it.

Often if a parent allows a child to eat sugar and is not sure about offering it, it's easy to see sugar as causing certain behaviors when just as easily (and there are many studies to attest to this) children pick up on and react to the anxiety that a parent has about foods considered to be unhealthy.

With the miserableness, makes sure the child gets enough protein. Some days it was surprising how much protein Karl could consume! Without enough, he really was miserable.
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[Meredith]

This might seem like a tangent, but what is she drinking? Is she willing to drink things like smoothies? Take a multivitamin? That would let you balance out the nutritional side of things while letting her have time to experiment with these exciting new foods - getting more vitamins and protein will most likely help her mood enormously. It takes some time to transition from food limits. Unfortunately, 2yos aren't typically very good at transtions in general!

[Meredith]

Are you making meals or having food available pretty much all day?

Oh, I didn't think about this and its a good point. For the most part, for younger children, autonomy around food has more to do with easy accessibility than anything else. If the options are waiting for breakfast or eating a cookie right now, the option that's imediately available is going to win out.

There are times when my 7yo does a whole lot better all day long if we offer her food As Soon As she wakes up. If we miss that first little window she can't seem to stomach anything but sweet stuff and will kind of "default" to whatever we have on hand that's really sweet. Happily she goes through phases like this for a few weeks at a time - its not like we have to guess every morning.

[Alane]

For the most part, for younger children, autonomy around food has more to do with easy accessibility than anything else. If the options are waiting for breakfast or eating a cookie right now, the option that's imediately available is going to win out.
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This is true of my youngest--and he's 8. He's never been able to recognize that he's STARTING to get hungry. So, it gets to the point where he's "starving" and then quickly melts down when whatever he wants isn't available immediately. He'll then likely grab something that takes no preparation, so having finger foods readily available has been important with him.

But, more to the op's question: I've always done "trays" for my kids. I'll make up a selection of foods, (cheese and crackers, fruit, veggies and dip, cookies, nuts, etc.) We have some takeout containers from the Chinese food place that has separate compartments, which makes it easier. Having it all there together, without the designation that some foods were "good" and some were "treats" seemed to free them up to make their own choices. And, having a selection right there in front of them upped the likelihood that they'd try a variety of things rather than eat one thing to the exclusion of all else.

[Chessa]

Hi Amy -

We are new to RU, too and I also have a 2 1/2 year old. It is really hard some days for me to watch when he gets up and goes to the freezer (ours is underneath the fridge) for coconut sorbet first thing. He also ate about 20 peppermint oreos today (just the creamy centers ;). I'm trying really hard to find that line, too. I try to talk to him about how some foods have the ability to provide our bodies with energy that lasts longer and some just provide it in short bursts, and I think he gets it half the time (he chose to switch to toast the other day when I brought this up). That's ok, the idea will sink in over time.

I've started designating him a shelf/drawer in our pantry with all of the food he tends to eat that doesn't need refrigeration. Even though I keep the bananas and apples another place usually, I make sure there is always one there so that he sees it as much of an option as the veggie booty and the pretzels and the chips and cookies. He really does vary his own diet. He eats broccoli and tofu and requests corn, peas and edamame for lunch all the time. It's really taken me a while to move through my own discomfort and *trust* that he really does know what his body is craving *right now*. But it's hard when he's opening the 20th oreo!

Is there a way to create a visual menu for your daughter that would spark her imagination? Like an empty yogurt container in her snack area, or pictures of foods cut out that are options in your house right now? Sometimes I think it's hard for them to think about food options abstractly, and they just want whatever they see first or whatever was the most delicious thing they had last.

And it could also be that she's just craving fat or lots of calories because she's growing so fast. My partner and I eat a vegan diet, so I try to be open to more calorie dense foods for Silas.

Katherine wrote:
--Often if a parent allows a child to eat sugar and is not sure about offering it, it's easy to see sugar as causing certain behaviors when just as easily (and there are many studies to attest to this) children pick up on and react to the anxiety that a parent has about foods considered to be unhealthy.--

This is so interesting to me and I need to be much more mindful about this. I was having such a hard time watching Silas eat all those cookies today, it was making me so uncomfortable. I'm absolutely sure he saw the anxiety it was causing me. In fact, he was trying to make me feel better by "explaining" that he could eat cookies AND tofu and broccoli, all at the same time! And he did! But the trusting is hard in these beginning stages. We'll get there.

[Melissa]

"Often if a parent allows a child to eat sugar and is not sure about offering it, it's easy to see sugar as causing certain behaviors when just as easily (and there are many studies to attest to this) children pick up on and react to the anxiety that a parent has about foods considered to be unhealthy."

Katherine,

I've seen this too with several families, but we have a specific family with whom we are friends, and the parents are convinced that sugar causes all of their children's problems. What dh and I have noticed, is that when the children are allowed to have sugar, the parents are MUCH more observant of behavior, the mother in particular attributes any perceived behavior to the sugar, and the children react very strongly to how the parents are suddenly clamping down on the emotions and behaviors involved...it's a terrible cycle. And they constantly hear their parents say that IF they eat sugar, they are horribly out of control

The daughter spends a lot of time at our house, spending the night and playing without parents. What I've noticed is that she asks for a lot of snacks, which is fine with me, but the most interesting thing is that when she started to act silly, she excused everything by saying the sugar made her do it. One time I looked at her, and said, "You know, sugar doesn't MAKE you act like that, look at our kids, have they EVER had that problem because of a snack?" and she smiled sheepishly and never did that again. Now, if her parents are here....yep, see it every time.

I'd second the idea that a monkey platter, or snack tray full of snacks be always available. Include one section that is just candy every time. You'll start to see a balance in what they choose. One cookie is never enough for me either, I was never allowed to eat cookies as a child. Two is also very young, and if you continue to offer choices, you'll see as she gets older her choices will change as well.

[Meredith]

We've done mixed plates (sometimes called monkey platters) off and on at my house. When Mo was... I think 4ish, she was really into packaging. She loved the idea of individual "serving size" packets of things. I bought some, but I also made a lot. I'd use tissue paper or colored cellophane or oragami paper and create little bags and boxes to fill with nuts or dried fruit or oats - she still likes to eat plain, dry rolled oats. Anyway, making my own packages was a bit time consuming, but it seemed to level the playing field between the brand name stuff and the bulk organic foods.

[Shell (in NZ)]

It does ease up :0)

I can remember my children asking for ice cream for breakfast, and being a teensy bit panicky (especially when dh said they will ask for it every day)...but they didn't. For a long time my (then) 3yo dd had marshmallows and homemade biscuits for breakfast...but she later had carrots and all manner of healthy foods.

My youngest (26 months) has always eaten whatever he likes...his diet is fabulous (I think). He helps himself to bananas, plums (whatever is in the fruit bowl), and likes to make popcorn every day (sometimes as early as 8am).

[Katherine]

You'll start to see a balance in what they choose. One cookie is never enough for me either, I was never allowed to eat cookies as a child. Two is also very young, and if you continue to offer choices, you'll see as she gets older her choices will change as well.

I was skeptical but not terribly anxious about not restricting or coercing food intake in my house because it had been a long time since I had had them put on myself, after living on my own for years. What I've found is that Karl has a very easy time of turning down things he actually likes when he's full or just not interested in eating at the moment.

Chocolate which Karl absolutely LUVs gets turned down often. Something that *rarely* happens with me or Brian. --- must have chocolate ---

It's really funny when Brian who is at work much of the day starts getting concerned about what Karl is or isn't eating and I mention the carrots and the banana that Karl ate an hour before he got home. Oh. ;) Then he remembers all the cookie, chocolate, sweets that Karl has turned down in favor of eggs or yogurt or cinnamon apple slices. Tonight Brian's response is "So. Um. *sheepish grin* Has he had his vitamins yet?" And then we gave Karl some sour gummy vites.
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[Katherine]

I just this week bought some pumpkin seeds and put the bag in the freezer (hope pumpkins seeds take to freezing ok). My intention is to try roasting some and serving them in the cute lil ramekins I have for nuts and snicksnacky foods. I've printed out several roasting recipes that I saw online and one of them sounds extra yum with cinnamon/sugar in the roasting.

Anybody else tried roasting pumpkin seeds and have a recipe they'd like to share with me?
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[Trisha Cronin]

If he likes coconut sorbet, you could try making popsicles with coconut milk. If you blend it with peaches it's really good as popsicles. In fact, you can use yoghurt blended with fruit to make popsicles too, as well as all kinds of fruit juice. My 2.5 year old will eat anything in a popsicle!

[Chessa]

This is a great idea, thanks! I hadn't thought about making Popsicles with coconut milk, or blending them with fruit, yum! I'll have to keep my eye out for popsicle molds. :)