"toughening them up"

[Kelli]

I have a friend who feels to me on the verge of taking the plunge, maybe not all the way to RU, but at least to homeschooling. I'm taking it slow with her, lol.

 

So this morning she wrote to thank me for some unschooling answers I had given her on Formspring, and she ended with this:

 

and... i was trying to kinda get my thoughts about school... and although for the most part, i have been very happy with the kids teachers... i do so much enrichment and exploration with the kids at home- sometimes i do wonder, "... and WHY am i sending them to school?"

sometimes i think our main reason for sending them to school is "to develop armor"  <---  ugg... that sounds horrible!  but, somewhat true... i do everything in my control to create a happy loving safe environment at home... where the kids feel free to express themselves and open up and explore without judgement or criticism-  and then i send them out to school... knowing that it's hard at times... but also knowing.. i *can't* give them those "life lumps" that will "make them strong"  :(

 

This argument has never made any sense to me, and is so far from my reality that I have a hard time coming up with a well-formed response (other than, "That's insane!" which isn't very helpful, lol)

 

Very recently I thought I had read an EXCELLENT response to this issue (which comes up a lot. . .what's with our crazy culture that we think everyone has to be tortured at a young age in order to survive into adulthood??), and I can't for the life of me remember where it was or who said it - can anyone here help point me in the right direction? I want to treat this question respectfully, since I believe this person really is on a path of change.

[Joyce Fetteroll]

Sandra often asks whether they think it a good idea to break a child's leg to prepare them for a future broken leg.

I would say that we don't deal better with adversity by becoming used to it. We deal better with adversity by feeling whole and confident of who we are and what we want.

While adversity can toughen someone, it also tears at them. Some people figure out various strategies -- good and bad -- to endure it. Many don't. My way of enduring being an introvert who was forced to be social everyday in school wasn't to become social. It was to become quiet so no one noticed me.

It's assumed kids need to figure out how to cope in the world before they're adults. But what data are people basing that theory on? The *only* kids they have to base it on are schooled kids who are being forced to face what stresses them. And many schooled kids just get worse. So it's assumed they're getting worse because they aren't picking up the coping skills and need made to or they'll be hermits by the time they're adults.

From stories people tell of their unschooled kids who've been allowed to bloom on their own schedule, they find ways -- with the support and input of their parents as the kids wanted it -- to deal with the world. By the time they're ready to be on their own, they have a good handle on who they are and what they need. From what I know of schooled kids, it's more about learning what parts of them are wrong and how to cover those parts up so others don't notice.

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-Sandra often asks whether they think it a good idea to break a child's leg to prepare them for a future broken leg.-=-

I think I've asked some people things like whether breaking a child's finger would be a good idea, so it won't seem so bad after that if they broke an arm or leg.

It sounds really insane, but it's also a direct parallel to kids needing to suffer through being with classmates and teachers they don't like so that they can accept the "inevitable fact" that they'll have co-workers and bosses they don't like.

http://sandradodd.com/respect
I like that one.

Sandra

[Kelli]

Thank you both for your responses; I am putting together a little e-packet for her which is much better than it would have been had I not taken some time to be thoughtful. Another friend offered this quotation, and I wonder if you have seen it before. It's a good one for the
"arsenal" of quotes we all collect, lol.

this quotation is from the correspondence From the February 1910 issue of the monthly journal of the Mens' League for Womens' Suffrage, in possession of Fawcett Library

".... It is commonly said by the proud father and mother 'We are sending our son to school (at say, ten years) to harden him, to make a man of him'. Now, with a varied and somewhat lengthy experience of the world especially in administration, I am convinced that men, let alone boys, require softening, humanising, rather than hardening. So it appears to me that what the parent says above is wrong fundamentally and in this respect, possessing a wide knowledge of the Continent, I am convinced that the hardening theory is but little known there. The mother's influence is in fact, a dominant one up to the boy's entrance into manhood but no one has ever been bold enough to say that an Englishman is a braver fighter or a harder worker or a more finished gentleman than a foreigner of similar rank - yet many who have known the foreigner well and intimately have found him a kindlier man than the average Englishman. If no better reason existed therefore for 'Votes For Women', I should be in favour of it because it may help to regain the mother's rights over the boys and thereby make our politics, national and international kindlier politics and our world a pleasanter place."

(signed) 'Francis Vane of Hutton'

--
pretty good for 1910! :)
Thanks again!
~Kelli

[Slinky]

As someone who was subjected to what I am going to call "exposure therapy" I want to say it did not have the result of hardening me or making me stronger. It did not desensitize me to being hurt or made fun of which was the goal. I did not develop armor or witty comebacks I just cried myself to sleep every night screaming at "god" asking why he hated me so much.

What it did do was tear me down, it fueled my depression, created an adult who is extremely self conscious, has little to no confidence, sees themselves as at fault or in the wrong in every and all situations who generally dislikes and avoids being around people other then for work. I have to work very hard to get out of the house and remind myself that my kids are not me and they are not in school and there are better, kinder social interactions to be had if only I could find others not in school around their age.

[Meredith]

On the other side of things... sort of, unschooling doesn't somehow leave kids unaware that there are jerks in the world - our kids are In the real world. They get to have other people, adults and kids, be rude to them in stores, libraries, parks, family gatherings and social events. They get to see moms and dads on crappy days, get to quarrel with their siblings and neighbors. What they also get is more support for dealing with all that- more strategies, more back-up, more information and assistance. School throws kids in a pile and says "no tattling". Unschooling gives kids more and better chances to learn a wider range of more successful social skills. You can see it most clearly with unschooled teens - they have noticeably better social skills than same-age school kids.

[Meredith]

I am convinced that men, let alone boys, require softening, humanising, rather than hardening

Adrienne Rich said something similar, didn't she? Something about what she wanted for her sons... I'll have to look it up.

[Ben]

I'd like to point out that even when this "toughening" process appears successful, it's generally not armor in the way that people think it is. It's a brittle shell a person forms for defense that doesn't produce any true resilience or strength. That comes from a childhood feeling secure and supported, being given time to grow into competence with no remonstrations for not being there yet. It comes from spending your formative years in an environment where you don't have the tiniest doubt that you are loved unconditionally, because that is the thing that matters, that builds self worth in a child, allows them to believe in themselves.

And that is what will create a strong adult. Not a vulnerable child hiding in an adult-sized suit of armor, ready to collapse the first time someone manages to strike through it, but a person who doesn't need that armor, who can simply bounce back when hardships happen.

[Kelli]

Thanks very much, everyone. Benjamin, your words especially resonated with me. Thank you!

I haven't finished compiling everything I want to pass along to my friend, but I thought I'd share the beginning of my letter to her. Our family's personal journey to RU started before our first child was even born, as we chose homebirth and AP philosophies as the way to create the harmonious life we envisioned. I think it's all related, and so my feelings of pushing a child into a terrible school experience - on purpose! - mirror my revulsion of mainstream hands-off parenting practices. Sometimes, with a topic like extended breastfeeding/child-led weaning, I'd hear "I can't believe you would nurse a baby for so long!" but I wasn't nursing A baby, I was nursing MY baby! Our babies grow older, but they're still our babies, still our flesh-and-blood, and still entitled to the same love and care we gave them as infants. Well, anyway, I'm off on a ramble now, lol. Here's what I wrote on this earlier today:

As home educators, we hear this "toughen 'em up" theory quite a lot, and I have to say that it has NEVER made any sense to me. I am an attachment parent, though, so I suppose that's why. We believe that by creating a strong, secure foundation for a child, that child will be best equipped to handle whatever life has to offer. If a baby is left to sleep alone, cry it out, eat out of propped bottles, carried in containers, rarely touched or picked up (for fear of 'spoiling' or creating overly-dependent children), that child knows only that she is alone in the world, on her own from the very beginning. This is not a place of strength or self-assuredness at all, even though, due mainly to survival instinct, people brought up this way may appear on the surface to be strong and self-assured, since they have no choice; they are on their own and they make it work (although often with inner self esteem problems, depression, and substance abuse issues, etc.) Throw a child into the water, and chances are they will struggle and eventually make it to the side of the pool, but there will be choking, panic, and a lot of stress involved (and they still won't know how to swim!)

On the contrary, when babies are held and attended to constantly and consistently, they learn that they are NOT on their own, and they know that they are surrounded by loving support to help them through life. What they learn is not Independence, something our culture of nuclear families and lone wolves seems to value so highly, but Interdependence, a gift of true family and tribal life, where life's challenges are solved amidst a loving, supportive community. Get into the water with a child, holding them close with soft words and encouragement, and they will soon swim away on their own, knowing only delight and feeling buoyant in their ability to do something new.

[Kelli]

Thought I'd mention that I finished the letter with this:

"I didn't grow armor during this experience, I was just shot full of holes."

Writing this out has been strangely cathartic, and has made me feel really grateful, yet again, that we have chosen the RU life for our family! :)

[JennyStar]

I don't want my kids to grow up tough. I want them to feel compassion. How does being tough allow for compassion?

What I've seen with my oldest daughter, is how compassionate she's become and how, as a side effect of that, she's experienced the sad reality that some people are just plain mean, that there is cruelty in the world. Her solid compassion makes her stronger to deal with that. She's not a wounded soul lashing out, like so many young people that we've met. Those wounded souls are the ones who end up seeking out my daughter to find refuge.

Schools are like battle grounds sometimes. Lots of wounded souls lashing out and trying to find a place to feel safety. It's partly why social cliques and social circles in school are so important and why betrayal within that hurts so deeply. Even *I* felt that in school and my home life was pretty nice and I wasn't desperate and wounded.

[Manisha]

I think life offers plenty of bumps even for unschoolers. Playdates are cancelled because someone is sick. There are real life limitations of time and money. And there's always weather :) It's not like we live in some utopia where nothing bad ever happens. We're around more to help our kids get thru the bad stuff.

Some people truly believe that "life is tough". That's what they learned in school as a result of all the "toughening". So when they have a bad job, they complain and wait for Friday, instead of looking for a better a job. I know of several people like that. I do not want my children to end up like that.

Manisha

[Caren]

I like your letter so far!

I'm not sure I'll find the words for what I mean, so I'm hoping you'll get the gist of what I'm saying.

There is no other environment like a school. School is *nothing* like anything else in the real world. It's recently been compared to prison, but not even in prison do people get separated by age, and there are actually *more* opportunities for unstructured interaction between inmates in a prison than there are with students in school.

In school, kids have *no choice* about being there, about who they spend time with, about what they're expected to do. As an adult in a crappy situation, one has more choice. You can choose to stay in a job or not, a relationship or not. A child in school doesn't have that same level of choice. They cannot just walk away or change their classroom or teacher. They are stuck with the bully, the teacher who doesn't "get" them, being forced to study things they have no interest in. When else in life is that replicated?

As Gatto pointed out, schools prepare kids for factory work, that's the only thing I can think of that comes close.