Trying to Learn

[Bonnie Boverman]

Hi, I just read Sandra Dodd's Big Book of Unschooling.  I'm very, very intrigued and trying to learn.  In the book, Sandra says, limitations create need and freedom creates intelligent choices.  Where could I find examples of three year olds making intelligent choices about television freedom?  Thanks for any time and attention with my inquiry.

Bonnie  :  )

 

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-Where could I find examples of three year olds making intelligent choices about television freedom?-=-

 

At your house, if you let them.

But don't think of it as "intelligent choices" because I think you have the idea that a three year old will make a choice based on years of experience, clocks, the type of program he's watching and some motherly image of a well-balanced life.

 

Three years old.  If in each moment the child can do what he's doing or not (watch the TV or turn away, walk away, turn it off) then he's making a choice.  If a child has been limited, that will have trained him TO watch the TV, if it's on.   Those limits backfire entirely.    

 

There are lots of examples here http://sandraoddd.com/tv

and there's Pam Sorooshian's important article on the economics of restrictions (linked from that page, too) but for the situation of the mother of a three year old, it's probably too much.   Create a rich and interesting life, and while she's doing what she's doing, try to overcome your own fears and prejudices about television.  It can be a great choice.  It might be the best choice, many times, especially if there are happy-looking people in there, and a grumpy mom in the room.  Don't make TV nicer and more fun than you are. :-)  But if it is, then soothe yourself with the idea that your child is choosing joy over fear, and you might begin to do that more yourself.

 

[Bonnie Boverman]

Sandra, thank you for taking the time to respond to me.  I really appreciate it.  If it were up to me entirely, I may have tried the experiment with my son already.  I don't like what the force and limits could do to my relationship with my son.  However, my husband is very scared of the idea.

 

I think the "well balanced life" thing is a big issue for my husband.  He really wants my son to play outside, run around, socialize with other kids, and be exposed early to things he could potentially become brilliant in (soccer and Suzuki music lessons if he likes those) by taking classes and then swimming lessons for safety.  Incidentally, I also have the added pressure that I'll have another child in February and will not be able to give my son as much stimulation, I'm guessing.  I'm afraid that my husband might insist on preschool if I don't keep up the activity.  He doesn't think one can trust a three year old to know what is best for himself.  I do more so because I see how discerning my son is about what he watches.  But I'm not entirely sure.  I have some aversion to the TV.  I was raised in a workaholic family, so the whole passivity/unproductiveness of television makes me uncomfortable.  But then I see the other side of it, that I want to teach my son to be able relax and enjoy life and not have to be constantly productive to feel worthy.  So, what did you mean by not thinking of it as an intelligent choice?  My hope is that if I let go of controls, he would binge for a while and then move on and have a more balanced life.  I definitely feel like I'm doing a good job with making his life fun.  I am very positive, affirming, and affectionate (and so is he).  We're always talking and imaging together.  We spend a lot of time doing things that are about him and fun for him.

 

I am also concerned about this binging period.  How would I run errands and keep appointments without taking away him freedom?

 

Thank you again for your help.

 

Bonnie  :  )

 

Sandra Dodd said:

-=-Where could I find examples of three year olds making intelligent choices about television freedom?-=-

 

At your house, if you let them.

But don't think of it as "intelligent choices" because I think you have the idea that a three year old will make a choice based on years of experience, clocks, the type of program he's watching and some motherly image of a well-balanced life.

 

Three years old.  If in each moment the child can do what he's doing or not (watch the TV or turn away, walk away, turn it off) then he's making a choice.  If a child has been limited, that will have trained him TO watch the TV, if it's on.   Those limits backfire entirely.    

 

There are lots of examples here http://sandraoddd.com/tv

and there's Pam Sorooshian's important article on the economics of restrictions (linked from that page, too) but for the situation of the mother of a three year old, it's probably too much.   Create a rich and interesting life, and while she's doing what she's doing, try to overcome your own fears and prejudices about television.  It can be a great choice.  It might be the best choice, many times, especially if there are happy-looking people in there, and a grumpy mom in the room.  Don't make TV nicer and more fun than you are. :-)  But if it is, then soothe yourself with the idea that your child is choosing joy over fear, and you might begin to do that more yourself.

 

[Meredith]

I think the "well balanced life" thing is a big issue for my husband.

 

Maybe you can introduce him to a crafts-person or small business owner, a professional musician or athlete ;) Those people tend not to have very balanced lives, they tend to be all wrapped up in their passions. Really, find anyone who loves his or her job. My mother-in-law just hit the mandatory retirement age at her job and is looking for another one, or consulting work, because she loves what she does so much. I wouldn't say she has a balanced life, but she's a very happy person - one of those people who seems to sparkle with the joy of living. A lot of stay at home moms don't have very balanced lives, either.

 

I have some aversion to the TV.  I was raised in a workaholic family, so the whole passivity/unproductiveness of television makes me uncomfortable.

 

If you limit tv, you're much more likely to see "passivity/unproductiveness" when the tv is on. Kids who don't have limits on tv are much more likely to multi-task. They'll play games or build or draw while the tv is on... my daughter likes to work on programs and animation with the tv on, or with a movie running in an extra window on the computer while she works. 

 

It could also help you to keep in mind that kids are learning while they're watching tv - even if they're watching things you think aren't very good. Many cartoons, for instance, are chock-full of literary and cultural references. Some of those references are so small adults don't notice them, but they form lots of little connections in kids minds - and that's learning, making lots of little connections. There are some good comments and links here about connections and learning: http://sandradodd.com/connections/

and a good look at the value of televisions shows:

http://sandradodd.com/t/gilligan

 

My hope is that if I let go of controls, he would binge for a while and then move on and have a more balanced life.

 

It's not necessary to "let go of controls" in one fell swoop. Say yes more. Keep plenty of other fun things going on in his life besides tv, too. Have fun things In the Same Room as the tv, so he doesn't have to choose between the special luxury item (tv) and other fun, but more readily available things. He can have/do both. At first he'll probably watch without wanting to do other things, until the tv is less of an exotic luxury. 

 

It could also help to have more movies and rented programs on-hand so its easy to stop and start and re-watch things. There's no special unschooling rule that you have to have 900 channels or something ;) It can be a lot less stressful for kids to have the control of a recorded show than to try and deal with the complications of programming.

 

But beware the idea of "more balanced". My daughter spends a lot of time writing, drawing, programming and watching tv. It often doesn't "look" balanced, it looks arty and intellectual. My stepson's life doesn't look very balanced either - he's veeeerrrrry social and physical. 

 

I am also concerned about this binging period.  How would I run errands and keep appointments without taking away him freedom?

 

How would you, anyway? If he's busy, all wrapped up in something, do you demand he stop? Think of watching tv as being like any kind of project - or reading a book. It doesn't make sense (and its very rude) to stop someone in the middle of what they're doing. It's much better to look for a logical stopping point and plan a little - plan to leave at the ends of shows and communicate those plans during commercial breaks, or ask to pause at a sensible place in a movie. Reassure him that he'll be able to get back to it, too, the way you might if he was finished with a painting, but wanted to paint more later.  

[Frank Maier]

I touched on this a little bit in a blog post last year: http://pvmaro.blogspot.com/2010/06/what-is-art-asked-jesting-pilate... 

 

My kids are older but the science behind the law of marginal utility (discussed by Pam and others) is concrete and the anecdotal experience of it is clear, in my experience. Imposing your concept of a "balanced life" or "passivity" of tv is a sure-fire way to alienate the victim of your didacticism.

 

That's my $.02. Good luck!

 

Frank