What about everyone else's needs?

[Terra]

My daughter has been pretty much always unschooled. Radical unschooling... we try but like many others, this is still a work in progress. I think we do a pretty good job most of the time.

I've let go of a lot of my own TV and food issues (the biggies!), and have learned to find the yes, and try to support my daughter's interests and needs.

She is 2 1/2 years old, by the way. Very high-spirited and sharp as a tack. Unschooling was pretty much our only option because it is the only way she can thrive and we can feel sane. Only for the past little while I haven't been feeling very sane.

We have a large dog. He needs - and I mean NEEDS - a minimum 45 minute walk every day or he drives us bonkers with whining, bothering the cat, not to mention I need a calm and well-behaved dog around our child. The past couple of weeks my daughter has been having a hard time with the stroller. We have been doing our daily walks since she was 9 days old and now all of a sudden she either:
A) wants to get out of the stroller 1/2 way through the walk and walk herself - which means we are not going at the pace that the dog needs to get his workout, and also she usually wants me to pick her up and carry her at some point, which is a lot for me, physically. She will rarely accept getting in the mei tai carrier anymore so that isn't really an option.
or
b) will not get in the stroller at all, from the outset, making it a very sloooooow walk the whole way through, thus the dog not getting the exercise that he needs and then there is the whole "pick me up" thing again.

I have tried giving her cool incentives to sit in the stroller, like bunny crackers, fruit snacks, even ice cream! and she will not do it. The dog is whining right now as I type this and I am having bad feelings toward him as well - and it's not even his fault.

Husband leaves for work at 6:30 am, and would never get up early to walk the dog. I can't get it together that early, without going to bed earlier - however if I did that then I would have ZERO time for myself in the evening and I really need that time to tidy up, read, not be touched, maybe watch a TV show, etc etc. I am not liking the feeling of helplessness right now.

The other thing is getting moving in the morning. This sort of ties in with the dog-walking since we usually do that mid-morning. She wakes up and needs to nurse for 30-60 min and then wants to watch TV, eat, the usual stuff. This morning I made 4 different breakfasts, and she took one bite of each, then asked for something else. Argh!
She's not wanting to get dressed or have her diaper changed. Right now it is 11am and she is freaking out and running away from me when I tell her we need to change her diaper so she doesn't get a rash. I don't want to be forceful - I admit in the past there have been a couple of occasions where I changed her forcefully and do not want to go this route if at all possible.

I have stuff that needs to be done too. She gets to hang out and watch TV, snack, and play, while I patiently wait for her to finish doing her thing - but then when I have to return library books, go to the store or farmer's market, all heck breaks loose. Then all of a sudden she needs "one more show" or wants to nurse, or finds something new to play with. And screams/cries if I ask her to help me out by running to the store, walking the dog, going to the library, etc. Or she tricks me and says she'll go "after one more show" and then throws a fit when the show is over.

Oh and the food thing... we try to keep her favorites on hand, but she has this habit of asking for random stuff that we could never predict - like this morning she asked for chicken with sauce (huge tantrum upon finding out it wasn't available right NOW) and 20 mins later wanted a sandwich. So both times I said "OK, you can have chicken/a sandwich, but we don't have that in the house. Let's get dressed and go buy it." This was met with a huge, screaming, sobbing fit. And sometimes we. just. run. out. of. stuff. I'm not perfect and sometimes plan poorly. And with the fruit snacks - they cost $5 a box and we can go through 1 box a day, easy. Multiply that by 30 and it's $150/mo on fruit snacks, which is not affordable. We've cut back our own treats so we can provide hers, but it never seems to be enough.

What am I doing wrong? Help?

[JennyStar]

The very first thing that came to mind was one of those trikes with the adult steering handle on it. At 2 1/2, a stroller probably doesn't feel like an adventure.

Everything you've described is a kid on the verge of change. She needs more stimulus, more variety, more excitement, not necessarily of the getting out of the house variety, but of the bringing things into her life variety. New foods, new toys, new games. Fill her mind and body full of wonder.

For now, don't take her to the store or the library. Walking the dog is important, the library can wait. Groceries are important, so go when your partner is home. Make doing the things you need to do, interesting. Let her use the camera on your walk, or bring bubbles to blow, or a pinwheel to spin. If you must use the stroller, don't strap her in, let her climb in and out. Take a different route, go to a dog park, drive to a park that has trails and paths.

As far as the diapering goes, how would she feel about using underwear, like the thick kind? Maybe she'd like the bigness of it, and the change of it.

[Terra]

That's a good idea about the trike. Will have to look into it. she has a trike now - no handle - that she has a love/hate relationship with because she is not quite coordinated enough to ride it herself.

Thanks for the reminder about variety. Will have to see what kinds of new toys will be exciting for her.
Food, doubtful. She was more adventurous a year ago, but in the last 6 months or so has become very picky. Which is fine - I was a picky eater as a kid. Still sort of am :)

I don't drive so I am *somewhat* limited. We are, however, fortunate to live in a nice, safe, centrally located area and can walk to the beach, marina, library, whole foods, park, restaurants, etc.

With diapering, we tried both underwear and going "free" but she will just hold it and not go at all. It became scary one day because she was expressing how uncomfortable she was, yet refused to go on the little potty, big toilet, or let me put a diaper on her (lesson learned - will be ECing the next child!).

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas. Gave me ideas to look into and discuss with my husband this evening.

[Alane]

When my siblings were small, my mother had a stroller with two places--a regular spot for the baby to ride in, and a platform for the toddler to stand up and ride. I don't know if they make them anymore, but if so, maybe it would interest your dd.

I like the trike with a handle idea. You could also try a wagon.

Could you hire a dog-walker? Or, maybe there's another mom in the area who would like to get out and walk--she could take your dog and you could watch her child in trade?

Is there a dog park or fenced area where you could go and let the dog run or play fetch and tire him out?

[Terra]

<<

Is there a dog park or fenced area where you could go and let the dog run or play fetch and tire him out?>>>

That's funny, I just mentioned the dog-walker thing to my husband the other day. Unfortunately it won't work for our budget at the moment.
We've tried the wagon and that's pretty awkward for me.

We have a yard, which we share with our neighbors. At one point they decided that I was Public Enemy #1 (personality and religious clash) and fixed it (with the landlords) so that all 3 other dogs that live on this property can roam freely, yet mine has to remain locked up or leashed at all times. When there is no one around we let him run and play with him in the yard, but the timing has to be right.

(I think a lot of things will be easier when we are able to move out of our current place.)

We managed to get by today by doing several short walks with the dog and my daughter on foot, and I'll take him for a long one this evening after dinner. Hopefully we'll adjust to the new routine in a couple of days and I can regain my sanity in that department. :)

[Sandra Dodd]

-=- The past couple of weeks my daughter has been having a hard time with the stroller. -=-

Can you get a frame backpack and carry her up high? That was she can see and not be run over by the dogs.

-=-Or she tricks me and says she'll go "after one more show" and then throws a fit when the show is over.=-

The language is harsh. She tricks you and throws fits? I think you're attributing thought and motive of which she's not yet capable.

-=-Oh and the food thing... we try to keep her favorites on hand, but she has this habit of asking for random stuff that we could never predict - like this morning she asked for chicken with sauce (huge tantrum upon finding out it wasn't available right NOW) and 20 mins later wanted a sandwich.-=-

Are you offering here whatever on earth she wants? Why not show her what you have and ask which thing she would prefer? You don't have to offer all possible options in the universe.

Don't go with opposites. There are MANY alternatives to not giving a child a choice and not forcing a child to clean her plate. Think of "many alternatives," not just the extreme opposite position.

As to the fruit snacks, they're way expensive. Either learn to make your own (not brain surgery--look up fruit leather or some such) or provide a variety of things also new and interesting.
http://sandradodd.com/monkeyplatters

You can get grapes and slice them sideways into three or four slices, and put them on a peanut butter and honey sandwich. A layer of cream cheese makes it fantastic, but the grapes and peanut butter are wonderful, and not nearly as expensive as "fruit snacks."

-=- I'm not perfect and sometimes plan poorly. -=-

Plan better. If you're not within walking distance of a store, and if you have a two year old, you can't be running out of food. It's better for other mothers to say "don't run out of food," than for other mothers to say "Of course you're not perfect; everyone runs out of food."

Can you hire a neighbor kid in the ten to fourteen age range (capable but too young to get a job) as a mother's helper, or dog walker, or toddler-carrier, to hang out with you so that you can feel less crowded?

As a mother's helper, with you there, $3 an hour might do it, and you might just need one or two hours a day. There might be a homeschooled kid somewhere around you.

[dina]

I also have a 2.5 year old. When we run out of food that he wants (which I really try not to do) I have always said, "lets put it on the list" in a matter of fact way. If we can't go and pick it up that day we will go the next day. He usually is excited about the trip to the store because he really wants the item. Yesterday it was strawberries. We ran out and he said, "get more" and we went on an adventure to get more.

As for what she wants to eat, I usually offer Logan a few options of things we have. If he goes to the fridge and looks inside he seems to become overwhelmed by the options. When he seems overwhelmed (which may or may not be the case with your daughter) I usually ask, "is it hard to choose?" He often says yes and then we both find a solution.

I also wear him on my back in a Mei Tai, which may be helpful for you on the walks. In the morning you could wear her on your front while she nurses and you can walk the dog. A trike or a wagon that you could push/pull are both terrific options as well.

As far as diapering goes, I've taken to asking Logan if he is wet or would like a clean diaper. He's been asking for a fresh once since I started asking a few months ago. Gives him more of a choice in the matter. Also, try to change her while she's standing up. Takes some practice but will cause everyone a lot of heartache. Have you tried bringing the potty to her? We have a small one (Baby Bjorn) that we can bring to Logan should he want to sit on it. If all else fails, try turning it into a game, which kinda sounds like what she's doing now. Chase her around for a while, make it fun, "I know you don't want your diaper changed!" in a funny voice. Wrestle with her. Throw her up in the air. She'll probably giggle like crazy and it will relieve the stress for both of you.

I don't think she's "tricking" you. Kids have no sense of time and why should she want to go with you when she's having so much fun with whatever she is doing? Try to get out of the "I need to do X,Y,Z" mindset for things like library books, supermarket. Those things will always be there.

Try to make outings as fun as possible for her. Logan loves to take pinwheels on outings, especially windy days. Check out your local dollar store for some.
Sometimes we go the the farmer's market, which can mean a subway ride - Logan loves that. When we get there we always get something yummy like a cookie or doughnut because its fun for both of us.

[Monica Manzano]

I was going to suggest a leash-free dog park. But I see someone also suggested that. We have 2 here in town. Red bud isle is surrounded by water, well technically I think you call that a peninsula. Monica

[Terra]

You're right about the word "trick" being harsh. Re-reading what I wrote, I didn't feel great about some of my language.

<<Are you offering here whatever on earth she wants? Why not show her what you have and ask which thing she would prefer? You don't have to offer all possible options in the universe.'>>
Sorry, I didn't elaborate enough on this one. This is where I get frustrated. I do this every time. She usually just gives me a flat-out "no." We have little snacks sitting out, always. We also keep treats that she likes, like fruit leather, rice bars, and honey sticks, on a shelf in the kitchen that is at her level so she can get them herself. She wants what she wants, though.
She likes fruit leather, but it is not an acceptable substitute for the fruit snacks.

My mom used to be able to help me (she was out of work), but has been less available lately, so I am definitely feeling that loss. Astrid does not care to be around most other people - just myself, my husband, and her Grammy (my mom). I am lucky she'll hang with my mom and husband though - she refused anyone other than myself for almost 2 years!

I think that a whole bunch of things popped up at once today, and that just made me nuts. Looking back on the day, I can see a couple of things I could have done differently. Astrid is our first and only child - both my husband and myself have been around a lot of kids, but we've never encountered such a strong personality as hers.

[Terra]

From my original post:
<<She will rarely accept getting in the mei tai carrier anymore so that isn't really an option.'>>
The mei tai would be an awesome solution, but she is pretty active, likes to climb on raised curbs, flower beds, etc. Seems to feel too restrained in the mei tai and usually will not get in when I ask her if she would like to.

This is the 2nd time someone has mentioned pinwheels - cool idea. She likes them, too.

[Amanda]

How about a battery powered DVD player for her to watch in the stroller? Take her shows to go.

[Terra]

That's a neat idea. I'll have to look for one of those. Would come in handy for long road trips, too.

[Jen H.]

"We have a yard, which we share with our neighbors. At one point they decided that I was Public Enemy #1 (personality and religious clash) and fixed it (with the landlords) so that all 3 other dogs that live on this property can roam freely, yet mine has to remain locked up or leashed at all times."

For those times when your daughter wants nothing to do with the stroller, and the dog needs exercise, what about attaching the leash and walking the dog back and forth in the yard.

Less entertaining for you and the dog, but that way your daughter could play with toys or watch you and the dog and her speed would not be an issue.

Three fifteen minutes walks in the yard might work on the days your daughter doesn't want to go in the stroller.

Then, if she's interested, you can still have some slow exploring walks with the three of you at a different time.

Jen H.

http://crazychicknlady.livejournal.com/