What about everyone else's needs?

[Terra]

My daughter has been pretty much always unschooled. Radical unschooling... we try but like many others, this is still a work in progress. I think we do a pretty good job most of the time.

I've let go of a lot of my own TV and food issues (the biggies!), and have learned to find the yes, and try to support my daughter's interests and needs.

She is 2 1/2 years old, by the way. Very high-spirited and sharp as a tack. Unschooling was pretty much our only option because it is the only way she can thrive and we can feel sane. Only for the past little while I haven't been feeling very sane.

We have a large dog. He needs - and I mean NEEDS - a minimum 45 minute walk every day or he drives us bonkers with whining, bothering the cat, not to mention I need a calm and well-behaved dog around our child. The past couple of weeks my daughter has been having a hard time with the stroller. We have been doing our daily walks since she was 9 days old and now all of a sudden she either:
A) wants to get out of the stroller 1/2 way through the walk and walk herself - which means we are not going at the pace that the dog needs to get his workout, and also she usually wants me to pick her up and carry her at some point, which is a lot for me, physically. She will rarely accept getting in the mei tai carrier anymore so that isn't really an option.
or
b) will not get in the stroller at all, from the outset, making it a very sloooooow walk the whole way through, thus the dog not getting the exercise that he needs and then there is the whole "pick me up" thing again.

I have tried giving her cool incentives to sit in the stroller, like bunny crackers, fruit snacks, even ice cream! and she will not do it. The dog is whining right now as I type this and I am having bad feelings toward him as well - and it's not even his fault.

Husband leaves for work at 6:30 am, and would never get up early to walk the dog. I can't get it together that early, without going to bed earlier - however if I did that then I would have ZERO time for myself in the evening and I really need that time to tidy up, read, not be touched, maybe watch a TV show, etc etc. I am not liking the feeling of helplessness right now.

The other thing is getting moving in the morning. This sort of ties in with the dog-walking since we usually do that mid-morning. She wakes up and needs to nurse for 30-60 min and then wants to watch TV, eat, the usual stuff. This morning I made 4 different breakfasts, and she took one bite of each, then asked for something else. Argh!
She's not wanting to get dressed or have her diaper changed. Right now it is 11am and she is freaking out and running away from me when I tell her we need to change her diaper so she doesn't get a rash. I don't want to be forceful - I admit in the past there have been a couple of occasions where I changed her forcefully and do not want to go this route if at all possible.

I have stuff that needs to be done too. She gets to hang out and watch TV, snack, and play, while I patiently wait for her to finish doing her thing - but then when I have to return library books, go to the store or farmer's market, all heck breaks loose. Then all of a sudden she needs "one more show" or wants to nurse, or finds something new to play with. And screams/cries if I ask her to help me out by running to the store, walking the dog, going to the library, etc. Or she tricks me and says she'll go "after one more show" and then throws a fit when the show is over.

Oh and the food thing... we try to keep her favorites on hand, but she has this habit of asking for random stuff that we could never predict - like this morning she asked for chicken with sauce (huge tantrum upon finding out it wasn't available right NOW) and 20 mins later wanted a sandwich. So both times I said "OK, you can have chicken/a sandwich, but we don't have that in the house. Let's get dressed and go buy it." This was met with a huge, screaming, sobbing fit. And sometimes we. just. run. out. of. stuff. I'm not perfect and sometimes plan poorly. And with the fruit snacks - they cost $5 a box and we can go through 1 box a day, easy. Multiply that by 30 and it's $150/mo on fruit snacks, which is not affordable. We've cut back our own treats so we can provide hers, but it never seems to be enough.

What am I doing wrong? Help?

[Rebecca Allen]

My daughter turned 4 this month, and she has been nursing more often and being a bit of a homebody lately. We have gone out a couple of times this week to meet friends and to enjoy the nice weather, but each time she was ready to go home after only an hour or two. I suspect that she is coming down with something, since she has also been more whiny than usual. Perhaps something similar is going on with your daughter or perhaps it's a developmental shift. Regardless of the reason, it's helpful for me to remember that my daughter is meeting genuine needs by nursing more frequently and wanting to stay home a lot.

She won't always nurse this often. If I'm feeling touched out with nursing, it's helpful for me to relax physically by getting some exercise or taking a hot bath alone. If I'm nursing a lot, remembering to eat well and extra and to drink plenty of water helps too.

She might always be a homebody. Beware of thinking about it as a stage. Embrace her for who she is today, and take care of your needs separately (without trying to change her into something she's not or wishing for that). Gardening helps me get some outside time even when we're not leaving home often and it can be done in small chunks of time. We don't use sitters, but it's helpful and energizing for me to take some time to eat out with friends or otherwise get out on a regular basis when my husband can be home with my daughter.

About the dog walking and your daughter wanting to walk herself...My daughter gave up the stroller, wagon, and carriers around that time too. She doesn't like riding in a shopping cart either. I walked and hiked with her for exercise before then, but now it's strolling for pleasure and exploration. Can you take your dog to a park for fetching, so your dog can run without your daughter needing to move quickly?

[Alane]

I dislike being inside, especially when the sun is shining, but I want her to feel that she is being heard, so I am happy to do this if it is what she needs right now.
=========
Is there someone who can come over and be with her so you can go out? What is it about going out that she doesn't like--if there's something specific, like, she doesn't like bugs, or the feel of the grass or something, perhaps there are ways around that. Could you hire a mother's helper so you can go out? Is there somewhere like a porch or tent where she could play and you could still supervise her and be outside? It's hard to make specific suggestions without knowing the physical set-up of your area, so there are probably other possibilities if these don't work.

"Has anyone else had a child who went through a complete homebody stage and can give me an idea of how these things go? Do they last terribly long?"

I have a kid who likes to be home--don't know that I'd call it a stage, I think it's just part of who he is. I have older kids though, so he often chooses to stay home, which I why I suggested a mother's helper to you. As he's gotten older (he's 9 now) he's come to like going out more, especially if it's to a park or some other outdoorsy place, but he's still basically a homebody. I'd focus on right now, rather than on when this might be outgrown. Eventually it will resolve itself because she'll be old enough to stay home alone--maybe just deal with "now" rather than stressing about how long this might continue.

The increased nursing is something each of my kids did just before some developmental leap, then they cut back again. Is it possible you're uncomfortable with the nursing because you'd previously tagged "2 years old" as your limit?

" I have tried to look into the future and know that I will cherish these times - and I do cherish the first 2 years of nursing but not much after that."

What's magic about 2? Why the cut-off there? I'm thinking that telling ourselves we can't/won't do something past a particular time sets us up for resentment if we're then asked to do more, yk? Is there any chance of reframing the way you look at her nursing? Seeing it through her eyes, as a need as important as any other need? Maybe you could also set some boundries during nursing--like explaining to her that you don't like your lips being played with. Would that kind of thing make it more do-able for you?

[Terra]

<<She might always be a homebody. Beware of thinking about it as a stage.>>

I am fine with her being a homebody, but I can't do what we've done the last couple weeks indefinitely.

It's difficult to convey *everything* I need to in a couple of posts, and I don't want to sound continuously negative "can't do this because" "can't do that because." There are a lot of factors.

[Terra]

I'm going to be all over the place here....

<<What is it about going out that she doesn't like'>>

I am not clear about what she is disliking about going out. I think she just wants to stay home. She loves bugs, birds, etc and nothing seems to bother her physically. We call her "nature girl!"
If we are going some place, she is sooo resistant to getting diapered, dressed, and out the door - but once we are there she has a GREAT time!
This weekend we were able to do some stuff and she was fine - but getting out of the house was TOUGH.

OH I did go buy a pinwheel for her to take in the stroller - here is a glimpse into her personality: she couldn't blow it hard enough to make it spin. We tried different directions, nothing. She screamed in frustration and cried.
I blew it for her, she was happy again. When it stopped she did the "wiggling, flailing crying. She wanted me to keep blowing it. I told her it makes me feel sick (hyperventillate but she doesn't get that word) to blow that much, let me have a few seconds and I'll blow it again. But no, she wanted that thing moving constantly.
Showed her how to spin it with your hand and she said "no, you can only blow it." We went outside and there was a light breeze - it spun. She laughed and squealed. It stopped. She cried some more.
Then "I want a new one - this one is broken." I resisted the urge to tell her it was not broken and fortunately my mom was coming over - she stopped and bought a new one. Guess what? Same thing.
She is like this with toys as well - I don't even know what it is she wants half of the time - she just gets frustrated and something gets thrown across the room, and there is lots of crying. I will be sitting right there with her, and I still don't get it.
Of course we ask her to TELL us what is wrong so we can help her, please just say it with words and we'll try to help you.

<<What's magic about 2? Why the cut-off there?'>>

I just don't *want* to nurse anymore. I think it's fair for me to feel that way after 2.5+ years. Anyway, I'm still nursing, using the "don't offer, don't refuse" philosophy. I personally just do not want to nurse an older child.

<<like explaining to her that you don't like your lips being played with.'>>

I've been reminding her that I don't like my lips played with, and she'll stop for a minute, then she's right back there. It's a process, for sure. And sometimes if I remind her she gets violent and slaps my face if she doesn't want to stop.

<<Is there someone who can come over and be with her so you can go out?>>
<<Could you hire a mother's helper so you can go out?'>>

We only have my mom to watch her, and she's been available less lately. She doesn't really take to people easily and we don't have enough people who are *consistently* in our life that she can bond with.

My husband and I do not have a lot of support/community/village - just to explain this: before we had Astrid, our lives were obviously very different. We happily adjusted to family life, doing other really fun things like going to museums, botanic gardens, Disneyland, the beach, park, aquariums, tide pools, etc.

All of our friends have older/grown children (I am 30, my husband is 42), therefore do different sorts of things than us. (I do not know if it is just around here or everywhere, but the people I know and have met are *very* rigid about kids playing with kids of or around the *same* age.)
The few friends I have that have kids close in age, I have drifted from due to different parenting/life philosophies, or no longer live near us.

We are unable to entertain friends and family in our home because it is teeny-tiny, full with just us, and we have that whole "neighbors from heck" thing (this is the *short* explanation of the living situation).
I've tried to arrange playdates with other moms/kids at the park, beach, etc to no avail.

We don't see my family often because they just don't get why we don't force our daughter to be held/played with by anyone who wants to have her, and have been critical of us, as well as my mother, for "coddling" Astrid. I don't care to be around people like that and expose my daughter to their negative attitudes.
Now they are asking about things like "potty training" and "preschool." Eeesh.

There are 2 unschooling groups near us, about a half hour in either direction, that I would love to attend sometime, but haven't yet. There is a homeschooling group nearby, but is more geared toward older children. I could see us doing things with that group when Astrid is maybe 4 or 5, depending.
(oh and has anyone else noticed that many homeschool activities have age restrictions?)
We have *one* nice unschooling family that we are friendly with, but their daughter is a year older than Astrid, and much more outgoing, so they are always out and about, all over the place. We like spending time with them but our paths simply do not cross very much.
So we have very little support - at least right this second, although I am open to a change any time. :)

(I recognize that there is an ebb and flow to life. I try to live in the moment, and find joy in a variety of things. So I am not sitting here whining about all of this day in and out - just wanted to put it all together and present a clearer view of where I am coming from, since questions of trading childcare with friends, etc has come up.)

My husband is really cool about going along with all of my "wild" ideas - he was good with a homebirth, attachment parenting, baby-wearing, agreed with my ideas about vaccines, our "unconventional" pediatrician, homeschooling? sure! Unschooling? cool!
BUT he is not wonderful with *implementing.* He sometimes resorts to manipulation and other "techniques" that aren't really acceptable to me, and don't work with her anyway. So I am running interference A LOT, especially lately.

Again, I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply and offer suggestions.