what does it mean to value what kids value?

[Meredith]

Fawn asked this in response to the description of radical unschooling here and it seemed like a great topic that people might have a lot to say on:

 

I need better clarification on Value what they Value.

I don't even learn about about stuff my husband values if I hate it. So, I don't think I should have to value what my kid values if I hate world of war craft.
I don't force MY food on them. I don't force my love of reading on them. So, Why should I let them force things I deplore on me. Can they still take me for who I am?

Or is this more of I should love them to be interested in watching some history with them on maybe the civil war (which I can stand) but I don't have to delve into their interest in baseball when I will never love it.
Can I value what they value when we find things of similar interest? Can I value that they will hate things I am into and I not force it on them and can they value something and not expect Mom to like it?

Value what they value?
Aren't we suppose to respect people as individuals? I should be able to let my kids know I have feelings And while I won't punish them if they EVER do pot that I still don't approve. Can't I have the right as a person to not like and even look down on something?

[Meredith]

Why should I let them force things I deplore on me. Can they still take me for who I am?

Can they? You do have the ultimate trump card, after all, you are their mother. That's big. You have the power to leave them with a looooooot of baggage, a lot of personal discomfort about what's important to them. You have the power to be that little voice in their heads for years saying "I hate it", undermining their sense of self. How much do you want to exercise that power? That's something to think about because while its not necessarily a power to change what they do, it can effect how they feel about themselves life-long.

Think about the things you can still imagine your mother sneering at or complaining about or flinching at. I can hear my mother saying my name in a specific tone - not something she used all the time, just now and then, the "I'm disappointed" tone. I don't remember her saying my name joyfully, though - and that's a tragedy.

[Joyce Fetteroll]

*** I don't even learn about about stuff my husband values if I hate it. ***

And you miss an opportunity to connect with him.

The more interests of his you understand and appreciate why he enjoys them -- even if you don't enjoy them yourself -- the more connected you have the chance to be.

*** So, I don't think I should have to value what my kid values if I hate world of war craft. ***

There isn't a have to. There are actions and outlooks that help unschooling flourish and actions and outlooks that get in the way. Hatred gets in the way. Putting up a barrier around yourself to protect you from WOW gets in the way.

Being happy they're happy helps unschooling flourish. Being interested in why they find something fascinating helps unschooling flourish.

*** I don't force MY food on them. I don't force my love of reading on them. So, Why should I let them force things I deplore on me. Can they still take me for who I am? ***

This is sounding like some old anger dredging up. Did you have to set aside your interests for school and what your parents felt it was important for you to be interested in? Did your parents only show an interest in something you did if it was something they already liked?

Are you now holding desperately to who you are, fearing showing an interest in something that you don't love will not allow you to be you?

No one here is forcing you. Your kids aren't forcing you. And yet you're using words of force. Those are coming from somewhere.

Being interested in who someone is -- and what interests them is part of who they are -- strengthens relationships and bonds. It helps unschooling flourish. If you step back and look at what you've written objectively it's sounding very Scrooge-like: "No, I'm not giving you a part of me! And you can't take it from me!" That would be good to delve into and examine where that's coming from and how you can uproot it because it's going to get in the way of unschooling.

** Or is this more of I should ***

"Shoulds" can also get in the way of unschooling. Finding a way to turn the "shoulds" that break down the barriers you're erecting into "want tos" will help umschooling grow.

*** love them to be interested in watching some history with them on maybe the civil war (which I can stand) but I don't have to delve into their interest in baseball when I will never love it. ***

The more I appreciate what my husband and daughter like, the more connected we are. The more I like, the more leeway I have to not join in on some things that I really don't like. Even if I don't like football, I can enjoy some of the exciting plays my husband and daughter want to share with me. I can ask somewhat intelligent questions because I've absorbed enough to have a fundamental understanding. I can respect how important it is for them to see the games they want to.

*** Can I value what they value when we find things of similar interest? ***

Isn't it cool, don't you feel more connected, when they sincerely enjoy something you do?

*** Can I value that they will hate things I am into ***

Why frame it as hate? Where do you think that's coming from?

Not sharing an interest in something isn't the same as hating it. Why do you think you're using that word?

*** and I not force it on them ***

What do you consider force? "Hey, Mom, come look at this!" "Can we watch this?"

It might be good to look under the hood of this "force" you're feeling.

*** and can they value something and not expect Mom to like it? ***

It feels like a betrayal if someone pretends an interest, but it feels connecting if someone takes the time to listen and find out more about something, enough to have a conversation, enough to be able to say "Cool!" with understanding when something exciting happens.

*** Aren't we suppose to respect people as individuals? ***

Respecting their interests is a way of respecting them. Somehow you've turned that into a pretense to be something you're not.

*** I should be able to let my kids know I have feelings ***

Do you feel you'd lose something of yourself if you appreciated their appreciation? That will get in the way of unschooling. It would be good for relationships to find a way to enjoy someone else's enjoyment without making it about you.

*** And while I won't punish them if they EVER do pot that I still don't approve.

The stronger your disapproval, the less likely they'll share their thoughts with you. You'll miss the opportunity to be an influence for the price of holding firm to your opinions.

It would be quite helpful if you read Kelly Lovejoy and her son's experience with drugs and how a parent can support even when their values are different.

*** Can't I have the right as a person to not like ***

Why do you think showing a sincere interest in someone else's interest takes away you're rights? Where could that be coming from?

*** and even look down on something? ***

How do you feel when someone you had expectations of respect from looks down on something you love? If it doesn't affect you, know that it can affect others who appreciate their interests being treated with respect even if someone else isn't fond of the interest themselves.

As your kids' mother, as your husband's wife, you have the power to build people up or tear them down just through the power of your love. You get to choose which you'd rather do to them just by opening up and appreciating others' interests.

Joyce

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-I don't even learn about about stuff my husband values if I hate it. So, I don't think I should have to value what my kid values if I hate world of war craft.-=-

I think unschooling works best when the parents learn not to "hate" ANYthing.

-=- Can't I have the right as a person to not like and even look down on something?-=-

In another discussion way elsewhere, an unschooler wrote (in anger) "Can't we be angry?"

Of course people *can* be angry, but if they prize and defend that negativity, unschooling will not thrive.

-=-Or is this more of I should love them to be interested in watching some history with them on maybe the civil war (which I can stand) but I don't have to delve into their interest in baseball when I will never love it.-=-

If you can only "stand" the civil war, and you "hate" many other things, why unschool? Maybe they could go to school and find teachers who LOVE the civil war, and baseball, and fantasy and strategy.

-=-I don't force MY food on them. I don't force my love of reading on them. So, Why should I let them force things I deplore on me. Can they still take me for who I am?-=-

This is all about antagonism and endurance and avoidance.
Unschooling needs to be all about partnership, patience and engagement.

http://sandradodd.com/partners
http://sandradodd.com/negativity

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-I don't force MY food on them. I don't force my love of reading on them.-=-

I had another thought.
You see your food as separate from their food?
You love reading? That was the only positive thing in the piece of writing I saw.
If you could learn to love your children to the extent that you cared about what they cared about, that would help every aspect of your life and theirs.

I'm going to go to the original now and see if the author is from New York city. If so, that will be the third person in a short period of time who defended being negative.

[Sandra Dodd]

This was posted on a discussion list today, and it's perfect to add to this discussion, I think. From here down is someone else's writing:

---

In the past few years I've let SO much stuff go - daily stuff. My expectations of my husband are pretty low - not in a bad way, but in a way that allows us both to feel comfortable. I don't expect that he'll
jump through hoops for me - "to make me happy" and he is constantly
saying how lucky he is. We often discuss how our relationship and
family etc is so drastically different than that of so many people we
know. I have one particular girlfriend who seems never to be happy.
Her husband can never do enough to "make" her happy. We have had
numerous occasions to look at each other and smile - because we both
realize that we are happy with the other simply for who they are.

My husband once held a job that at first, NONE of my friends (male or
female) understood - and I quote, "how can you let him work there?" I
got tired of explaining to people that #1 I'm not his mother, I don't
tell him what to do and #2 it really was a perfect job for him LOL.
After lengthy explanation, most of the people I talked too said they
got it.... though I know they didn't agree with it.

I wasn't always like that though - it took time. It took a lot of me
looking at myself and saying, well if you don't like it what are you
going to do about it? Why don't you like it? And then realizing that
if I don't like something the only REAL thing I can do is change how
I react to it, rather than trying to make someone else change. Before
I started making these changes my husband would say (often) that I was
too controlling, that I was mothering him, that nothing was good
enough for me. I finally listened. And it made a world of
difference.

I am seeing the whole unschooling philosophy (particularly the
interpersonal relationship part) as another opportunity for me to
listen - to our son and what he tells me - both directly and
indirectly.

[laura bowman]

i posted this on the original thread before i saw that meredith moved it here for better discussion. just thought i'd keep it all together and put it here as well:

fawn, this is only a fraction of what might be called a definition of radical unschooling. the idea is to help get as close to something concrete as possible, so i'm using quotes that i feel best describe it.

my answer to your question is yes. i do think you should know some things about the things your kids are into. like christine says, you don't have to know ALL the constellations, but be engaged enough to help them get where they want to be with that interest. or if WoW is their thing, at least know the name of their favorite character they've created.

saying you shouldn't have to value what they are into in the way you say here sounds like disinterest. if you have no interest in art and your child does and they do some drawings and show them to you, will you tell them "well, that's not something i'm particularly interested in, so please don't show me any more of your work?" i know when it's put like that it sounds terrible, but by not taking an interest in their interests that is what you are doing.

and NO, i don't think they do have to be into your interests, you are the parent and you chose to have them and nurture them, not the other way around. but i bet they would be just to get to spend some time with you. or because you have been an example of how to be loving towards someone by caring about what they are interested in. interest can be in the form of asking questions if it's something you're not particularly knowledgeable about.

[Fawn Klein]

Meredith said
***"Think about the things you can still imagine your mother sneering at or complaining about or flinching at. I can hear my mother saying my name in a specific tone - not something she used all the time, just now and then, the "I'm disappointed" tone. I don't remember her saying my name joyfully, though - and that's a tragedy.***


I don't seem to have that experience with my mother. It was more of a let's NOT let Mom know everything. She was too much into our business and still is. I guess I don't want to share ALL of myself. My sister was amazed to discover a few years ago that I took College Prep courses in High school and was really smarter than she realized. Nowadays, I worry about that when my Mom joins facebook that she will friend "my friends".

I don't see it as missing out on connecting with my family. Not when the dynamic of our family is sometimes too open and honest. My husband was shocked to come into a family that was so open about things. I guess when I was younger I had to keep separate lest I lose my identity to the whole? At 28 I started expressing my true self more when I found my boundaries better and Mom couldn't snoop into our lives. She might have thought of it as being interested. In fact, I am almost positive she does/did. That just wasn't my view of her wanting to see my poems or be interested in everything about me.

My husband and I share passwords for emails and other places. We are "one." Not here because he really isn't interested in learning about home schooling. This is my thing. He has his games. So, I think I've realized that I need my enjoyments that I don't want to share. I want my own little morsel of chocolate that I can hide away and claim as mine.

We all must have baggage? My mom over compensated for her Mom not being there and not caring about those things she enjoyed. Then, I cringe feeling like if we share too much that my kids will think I'm just snooping. I like when they present it in front of me. My Aspie son presents computers and computer questions to us 24/7 so we have to value it. It is his language.


Joyce said ***Putting up a barrier around yourself to protect you from WOW gets in the way.***

I must admit one of the reasons I can not stand games is when Mario and games went 3D I just can't handle them physically. I think the kids are slightly amused that the games can make me visually ill. In this case they know why I hate the games. The effects have been so bad at times I can't even listen to the music and be in the same room from when Hubby plays Ages of Empire. However, We have managed to find that I can play Wii Fit Plus! as a family and I do not get headaches and nausey.
Plus, It isn't like Hubby exactly wants me snooping in his game when I'm interrupting his game play. It is bad enough I will interrupt a book and ask him what he is reading and what it is about.

*** This is sounding like some old anger dredging up. Did you have to set aside your interests for school and what your parents felt it was important for you to be interested in? ***

I think I answered this with I had to set aside my interests so I could make my boundaries. Why do we need to be so connected? Can't we have interests without people asking me what book I'm reading or what my favorite food is? Yes, sometimes it is nice. However, I am more of a hermit than a sharer.

I used the words force in my example because I had been responding to

*** Recognize that your value system, be it about religion, food, politics, or entertainment, is not your child's value system. If you disagree with anything
your parents believe, then you should be able to recognize your child's
right to disagree with you. Don't take it personally - just because
they have their own opinions or values doesn't mean they don't love you.***

It sounds to me that if we don't recognize our value system as not our kids value system then we are forcing our values on them.

I just can't see how we need to value what they value and not expect them to value what we value. Is this Radical Unschooling a one sided thing where kids have more power?

In the original post the 5th one doesn't seem to go with the 7th condition? It seems waited to the child or children as rulers and not equal partners in a family.



***Isn't it cool, don't you feel more connected, when they sincerely enjoy something you do?***
Um No not really. However that might just be the Asperger part of me.
I felt connected to my family the moment I met them. My Mom says she connects with all children but I just don't. I've always felt not a part of the group. I guess I can see how what I've learned about Asperger's being a social thing really makes a difference here. Plus, I've tried to share with people. When I try to "do things" it makes me feel less connected and more of an outsider.
I don't understand why people drink. I've tried. I just don't get it. When they party and when I've tried to join in and enjoy their interests I feel more overwhelmed and even less connected.


About the input on drugs that I said I don't approve.
I must include my Mom said she was fine with what we would choose to do. Also I know she said if we had sex before we were suppose to by law that we should ALWAYS come to here. She would help us get protection because she knew that things happen. Maybe she was too interested and I did have sex very very early and I've used pot. I don't approve of it's use but I've tried stuff. I'm sure my kids will too. I just remember my Mom having conversations with people about things and her views about sharing with kids and being open. I'd go to say something to disagree with her and then realize, "No I can't Mom doesn't know I've had sex (or drugs)!" So here my mom wanted our family to share share share and I seemed to have been born "different". It was when I could claim feeling that I knew who I was that I finally shared with people at age 27/28 who I was including my Mom. Who seems horrified I never came to her because she never wanted her kids to feel they couldn't come to her. LOL!

I'm not sure why but No I do not think everyone has to share or ask everyone else's interests.

[Joyce Fetteroll]

*** She was too much into our business and still is. ***

From what you've written, it sounds more like she was into pulling information from family. Radical unschooling is about being available for whatever level of sharing the child needs. Quiet, private kids need mom to respect that. Kids who want to share every thought need mom to respect that too. (Though they can both be helped to understand how sharing more or less will help them relate to others.)

*** My husband was shocked to come into a family that was so open about things. I guess when I was younger I had to keep separate lest I lose my identity to the whole? At 28 I started expressing my true self more when I found my boundaries better and Mom couldn't snoop into our lives. ***

Open suggests an environment where people are sharing freely as much as they want. Snooping isn't part of free sharing and definitely not part of radical unschooling. Kids waiting until they're 28 to express their true selves isn't part of unschooling either.

Thoughtfully examining what you liked and didn't like about how you were raised and then making thoughtful adjustments that turn you towards more respectful relationships is better for unschooling than doing the opposite of what your parents did.

*** That just wasn't my view of her wanting to see my poems or be interested in everything about me. ***

But do you see you asking your kids to share against their will is different than you being open to them sharing with you? It's also different than learning about what interests them so you can understand when they're excited about some accomplishment?

*** So, I think I've realized that I need my enjoyments that I don't want to share. I want my own little morsel of chocolate that I can hide away and claim as mine. ***

I'm sure some people can do it without taking too much from the kids. Someone who has a good handle on family dynamics can help the kids respect a boundary. It won't be optimal for unschooling.

Maybe what will help is to think about your primary goal. If you want to radically unschool, then it's stronger relationships and joyful living. If you want to add another goal onto that, like carving out privacy for yourself, it's good to examine if the 2nd goal would interfere with the primary goal. And if so, find ways to get to the 2nd goal without sidetracking from the primary goal. Or find a way to let go of the 2nd goal.

Right now you're clinging to your 2nd goal and dismissing the impact it might have on your relationship with your kids because you need it.

*** We all must have baggage? ***

Baggage can be examined. Ways can be found to set it down a bit at a time. That's one of the things the people on this site can help with.

But if you want to tell us how some need to hold onto the baggage to comfort themselves at what may be the expense of the kids that idea will definitely be disputed because it will get in the way of unschooling.

You can hold onto as much baggage as you want, but the site isn't here to support what moms think they need but support the ideas that grow relationships.

*** My mom over compensated for her Mom not being there and not caring about those things she enjoyed. ***

Doesn't it sound like you're trying to do another overcompensation for how your mother was?

*** Then, I cringe feeling like if we share too much that my kids will think I'm just snooping. I like when they present it in front of me. ***

I think you're using share and snooping differently than I am. Sharing means offering something freely. Snooping means going behind someone's back to find out something they don't want to share. It would help to get the definitions and actions clear so you can *think* about the ideas more clearly.

*** I just can't handle them physically. ***

And if you ask, there are other moms who have the same reactions. There are strategies to staying connected with a child's interests even when you can't do something. Focusing on why someone can't tends to break down relationships. Focusing on what you *can* do instead tends to build relationships. It's good that you found the Wii Fit :-) But you can still connect through *knowledge* of the games the kids like even if you can't watch them.

*** Why do we need to be so connected? Can't we have interests without people asking me what book I'm reading or what my favorite food is? Yes, sometimes it is nice. However, I am more of a hermit than a sharer. ***

It will help to let go of your mom's definition of connected. No one's suggesting moms pull information from their kids. No one's suggesting moms deluge their kids with information the kids may not want.

But to grow closer relationships, it will help to draw the kids into the parts of your life they enjoy (or might enjoy) to share the experiences with you, it will help to have a working understanding of what your kids enjoy so they can share what they want to with you. The more you join in on their interests -- to the level that they want you to -- the closer the relationship.

If you had a choice, would you want to be the mom your kids hold at arms length to keep you from delving deeper than they want you to, or the kind of mom who knows what level of sharing each child needs and the ability to offer that?

*** I just can't see how we need to value what they value and not expect them to value what we value. Is this Radical Unschooling a one sided thing where kids have more power? ***

We can't change someone else. We can be the change we want, though.

How would you *make* someone else respect what you value? Adults make kids *act* as though they respect adult values but that's not the same as actually respecting them. In fact making kids pretend to respect adult values is a pretty good way to make sure kids reject adult values.

What's been shown to work -- what unschoolers with grown children know -- is that respecting kids, showing respect for what they enjoy, means the kids will return the respect when they're able.

*** In the original post the 5th one doesn't seem to go with the 7th condition? It seems waited to the child or children as rulers and not equal partners in a family. ***

I'm not sure what you mean by the 5th and 7th, but in general, living our values for ourselves, using our values when we help kids find solutions to their problems, has shown in practice that kids will tend to adopt those same values. If we find ways for them to get their needs met in ways that are kind and respectful, they'll tend to think in those ways when they solve problems on their own.

Parents who make their kids follow the parents values tend to have kids who reject the values in a knee jerk way.

For instance, if I need to run to the grocery store, I respect that she has better things to do with her time and work not to inconvenience her more than necessary. When she wanted a new game, I worked that into our schedules, making sure it was as high a priority as the things I wanted.

That has worked really well. As she was able, she took my needs and her dad's needs into consideration when working out solutions. At 19 she's very considerate without ever being made to be.

Joyce

[Robin B.]

*** I just can't handle them physically. ***

And if you ask, there are other moms who have the same reactions. There are strategies to staying connected with a child's interests even when you can't do something. Focusing on why someone can't tends to break down relationships. Focusing on what you *can* do instead tends to build relationships. It's good that you found the Wii Fit :-) But you can still connect through *knowledge* of the games the kids like even if you can't watch them.

I'm one of those moms who feels queasy when watching others play computer games, World of Warcraft included. Playing it doesn't make me feel that way (and I have played off and on). However, I have connected with my daughter on many levels that I enjoy when it comes to gaming.

With regard to World of Warcraft, we have attended Blizzcon (Blizzard Entertainment gaming convention)twice; purchased online tickets this year (since we couldn't get real tickets); I've made WoW costumes for Senna (you can see her, here, at the 3:33 mark of a costume contest video from last year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qweG4ol2oLg&feature=related ); we have stuffed animals, strategy guides, cards, art books, manga, novels, jewelry, t-shirts; we enjoy watching the cinematics together (the film introductions of the expansions) - the process of how the artists make them come together is fascinating; we talk every day about characters, dungeons, raids, other players, strategy, and pets, pets, pets.

There are so many ways to enjoy and connect through what your kids love. Expanding your idea of how it must look could really help.

*** Why do we need to be so connected?***
This makes me want to cry. You don't want to have honest and real connections with the people you love? Why do you want to unschool, when fostering connection and relationship with our families is uppermost in unschoolers' minds?

Being connected doesn't mean being in each others' business. Being connected means acceptance, interest, sweet regard, and helping your kids in their interests without judgement (or negative vibe, if the judgement is not actually verbalized).

***Aren't we suppose to respect people as individuals? I should be able to let my kids know I have feelings And while I won't punish them if they EVER do pot that I still don't approve. Can't I have the right as a person to not like and even look down on something?***

Respecting your kids as individuals doesn't mean divorcing their lives from yours. And getting over your obvious disapproval to at least neutrality might begin your process of living a joyful life of learning together.

And sure, you have the right to do anything you want, if you're not concerned about how it impacts your relationships. It seems like you are stamping your feet, saying "What about *me*?"

This might be a good time to repost this, by Pam Sorooshian, mother of 3 grown and happy unschooled girls:

http://sandradodd.com/pam/howto

[Caren]

Joyce Fetteroll said:

I'm not sure what you mean by the 5th and 7th,

The 5th & 7th principles from the post about "What is Radical Unschooling?"

# Value what they value - you don't have to play World of Warcraft but you should know what characters they play & what level they are at; you
don't have to know all the constellations, but you should be engaged in
helping them find out more about the cosmos.

and

# Recognize that your value system, be it about religion, food, politics, or entertainment, is not your child's value system. If you disagree with anything
your parents believe, then you should be able to recognize your child's
right to disagree with you. Don't take it personally - just because
they have their own opinions or values doesn't mean they don't love you.



Fawn Klein said:

In the original post the 5th one doesn't seem to go with the 7th condition? It seems waited to the child or children as rulers and not equal partners in a family.

You're not equal partners! As an adult, you have MUCH more power than a child, more ability to move in the world, more experience dealing with your feelings, have developed more strategies for dealing with the world.

I've found that interesting - that we, as radical unschoolers, don't infringe on kids' freedom to make choices, because they know themselves, AND we recognize that we have much more power and experience than they do in the world.

So we use that power and experience to *support* their choices, not diminish them.

In traditional parenting circles, it's seen as, "They have less experience, so they can't be allowed to make choices." (at least, not choices that don't go along with parent's wishes!)

We share our power with our kids so they can do what they wish, and we allow them ALL of their own power.

[Teresa]

My son's really into military stuff right now. It couldn't be further from my own interests. But, it permeates his life. He draws, talks about, pretend plays, reads about, and thinks about military weapons and strategies. (He just now, as I was writing this, came to show me a Leggo laser gun with a detachable pistol.)

One day, without me having thought that I communicated anything one way or the other about weapons play, he said to me, "I know you don't like war stuff, but will you just be the British soldier who's my enemy this one time?" I was flabbergasted. He could tell by my disengagement and who knows what other subtle clues that I disapproved of or didn't care about his favorite theme of play, his main interest. HE had to reach out to ME across that divide that I put between us! How much of his play and his thoughts and his joy had I missed out on by simply acting disinterested?

So, I made a conscious choice to embrace it. And it's still not my favorite thing, but connecting with my kid *is*. So I am really, really interested in the difference between a flint-lock and a match-lock rifle. I am interested in watching my son describe that difference with the detail of a true fan. And I want to know it, too, so that he can build on what he shares with me, so that I'll be a better listener for his ever-more-complex tales and knowings.

I have lots of stuff that I am interested in that he doesn't give a hoot about. But I'm the adult; I have a semi-fully-formed sense of self, and I have the ability to look to others for validation and camaraderie and support with my interests. My son, not so much. He bounces most everything off of me first, and so I try and take it seriously, give him my presence and interest, so that he can move forward with it or abandon it or share it with others freely, with no hang-ups about its worth based on some reaction or non-reaction he got from me.

[JennyStar]

My Aspie son presents computers and computer questions to us 24/7 so we have to value it. It is his language.

So you feel that you must value something one son does because he is "aspie", but not really the other kids? Why make a distinction here? Does being "aspie" make one person more valuable, so much more that they must feel value, but others can be dismissed since they are "normal"? I don't get that at all. I've heard that line of thinking before and I've never understood it. People are people are people. Everyone is a bit different, but our needs are still all basically the same.

Plus, It isn't like Hubby exactly wants me snooping in his game when I'm interrupting his game play. It is bad enough I will interrupt a book and ask him what he is reading and what it is about.

I don't understand this, given what you've written later. Why would you ask your hubby what he is reading if you don't like it when others do that to you? Why not simply observe or wait until he's ready to talk about what he's reading?

I think I answered this with I had to set aside my interests so I could make my boundaries. Why do we need to be so connected? Can't we have interests without people asking me what book I'm reading or what my favorite food is? Yes, sometimes it is nice. However, I am more of a hermit than a sharer.

Really knowing and observing the ones you love, you won't need to ask them a bunch of questions about what their favorite food is or what book they are reading. Unless the other person is trying to hide that information, it should be obvious to the observer. If I pay attention, I will note which book is sitting out in my husband's office. If I pay attention, I will notice which foods are getting eaten and which foods aren't. Your family members will notice these things about each other too.

You don't NEED to share that information with them, but if other family members are asking these kinds of basic questions of you, then perhaps they are feeling disconnected from you and trying to find a connection by talking and asking questions. If that feels intrusive to you, then perhaps you need to be a bit more open with your family, or find ways of connecting with them so that they won't feel that need to intrude to connect. In that regard, the onus is on you, the mom, the wife, to find ways to connect with your family members.

I just can't see how we need to value what they value and not expect them to value what we value. Is this Radical Unschooling a one sided thing where kids have more power?

That is about respect. Respect is always a 2 way street. Kids naturally respect their parents if their parents are respectable. What better way to show respect than to find value in your children and their interests. The more parents do that, the more their children will respect and value their parent's values. It doesn't mean that they will adopt all of their parents values, it means that they will respect and value what their parents are about.

When parents don't respect or value what their children are into, the kids won't care what their parent's values are. That is learned behavior. They learn that it is just fine to not respect or value their loved ones values. Many times, those kids grow up and reject everything that their parents value as a reactionary response.

I don't understand why people drink. I've tried. I just don't get it. When they party and when I've tried to join in and enjoy their interests I feel more overwhelmed and even less connected.

You don't need to understand it to accept that it is what it is and that other people enjoy it and that you don't.