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What is appropriate involvement in schoolwork and school?

Reading the Family Handbook given to us this week at my son's charter school orientation, I see this section:

"Supporting Success: Parent involvement in the Charter School is essential to creating an effective school community in which all students succeed. At the Charter School, parents will be responsible for:

CREATING AN EFFECTIVE LEARNING ENVIRONMENT AT HOME.(Their capitals, not mine)
Set a schedule and structure to make sure your student completes his work. Limit TV time. Keep book and other reading materials available and set aside a time to read each day."

OK. I want to go and give these people a lecture about trusting children and tell them exactly what I plan to do - which is to help my son with this if and when he asks. I might ask him ahead of time what type of help he will need, or remind him that he can ask me for this type of help. (BTW, this is a young person who voluntarily practiced his instrument for up to 3 hours per day, and attending countless rehearsals, performances, and lessons for the last few years, with reminders when he asked for them, and help when he wanted it.)

I think that that might not be a good idea. I think that biting my tongue about most issues and waiting to see what happens might work better. It is going to be hard.

From Sandra's Public School on Your Own Terms:

(When I called my sister to read this to her for verification, she asked me to add that if she had it to do over she wouldn’t be so honest as to announce to the principal, “School is optional at our house.” She advises you to make assorted excuses like the other parents do.) http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice

It is very tempting to let my son's "crew leader" - the charter school's version of a guidance counselor know exactly what I think about this policy and my approach to homework - which is to "let" my son decide when and if to do his homework and if and how his parents will be involved in the process. And that school is optional- every single day. Maybe not a good idea at this point.

Anyone have experience with this - how has being involved or not worked for you with your child's homework or attendance?

Thanks!

Heather (in NY)

BTW I think setting aside a time to read everyday is a great idea- for me! Is that what they mean?

Tags: homework, involvement, parents, school

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by AnnC on September 12, 2009 at 10:17am

Good morning. I'm sure struggling here. DD is totally into the first few days of high school. She loves telling me all about the teachers and other students and what they did in class. My insides are going crazy. I feel uneasy and embarrassingly competitive with her enthusiasm. I feel so much resistance to the schedule, the homework, the stories. Help! Hmmm, if I step back from my feelings a little, it's interesting, tho. Whew, obviously, I have deep investments, emotionally, idealogically, in my kids not being in school. I find myself having a desire to have distance from my dd right now. That doesn't feel good either. It's wrapped up in the process of her growing up and individuating, too. As I write, I can sense that there's some positive things in all this; I'm thrown back more on myself, what things do I want to be learning/doing/getting done? I feel encouraged to facilitate more things for my other teens (twin boys age 16).

Also, I'm plain missing her all day -- she's gone almost 12 hours! (leaves at 7 am and has soccer practice after school, home by 6:30 pm) That alone makes me want to weep. Ahhhh.

Yesterday, I went to the movies with one of my sons'. It was really nice to have some one on one time with him -- kinda unusual -- my other son invited a bunch of friends over for the evening. . . .anyway.

Permalink Reply by Heather McCarty on September 12, 2009 at 10:39am

Ann Carlson said:

Whew, obviously, I have deep investments, emotionally, idealogically, in my kids not being in school. I find myself having a desire to have distance from my dd right now. That doesn't feel good either. It's wrapped up in the process of her growing up and individuating, too. As I write, I can sense that there's some positive things in all this; I'm thrown back more on myself, what things do I want to be learning/doing/getting done? I feel encouraged to facilitate more things for my other teens (twin boys age 16).
Also, I'm plain missing her all day -- she's gone almost 12 hours! (leaves at 7 am and has soccer practice after school, home by 6:30 pm) That alone makes me want to weep.

Yes- I know how you feel! A large part of my identity is wrapped up in being an unschooling mom. But I am finding that I can still be the kind of parent I want to be - even with a kid in school. It is important to keep the relationship the same, I think, and to move past what feels like a rejection of what you have to offer. I have had time to talk to my son a lot on the way too and from school, work, and soccer practice. We decided to drive him for now as it gives us 20 minutes each way to connect and an extra hour at home on each end for him.

And it has been a benefit to have more time with my daughter during the day, who is 12. She really is needing it, too. We are having fun.

My son is not having such a great time at school, which is really hard, too. I hate to think of him being uncomfortable and unhappy all day. In the past, I have found it really hard to be away from my kids if I know they are having a really hard time - and much easier when they are happy in what they are doing.

The reality of being there everyday is not what he really thought it would be. He is really missing having time to do the many other things he enjoys, and he is tired. His stutter, which is usually mild, has gotten worse in the group situation. The format of this school involves a LOT of group discussion- absolutely not his strong point. Also because it is a charter school, it has a larger proportion of kids with "behavior problems"- and his group seems to have more than it's share. The process is constantly getting derailed and a lot of time is spent on correcting these kids' behavior.

Of course some of this may get better with time. I don't think he will feel content with letting it go until he gives it more of a try - but after three days he doesn't see how he will get anything good out of the experience. Part of me feels validated- and I am really relieved that he is free to come home whenever he wants to. I also feel really sad for the other kids who have to be there. My son says he thinks that most of the kids really don't want to be in school at all, which is why they are behaving so inappropriately. They have a chance to try a different type of school, which is good, but it is still a school and still not their choice. It seems so very very odd to me that adults think that they have the right and the knowledge to decide what kids should be doing all day long.

Permalink Reply by AnnC on September 14, 2009 at 11:17am

That's a nice idea to perhaps drive DD to school so that we might have more time together. DD is enjoying the school day from what I can tell, although her enthusiasm has definitely waned since the first day.

I'm feel as if I'm reporting here from the bunker, tho. We had a rough Sunday night at our house . . . well, at least my dd did. (Ah, yes, Sunday nights . . . seems like long long time ago that I felt that Sunday night angst). She got really upset about her homework -- which she pretty much worked on all weekend. She had friends over to study, friends who have always gone to school and she got very upset at one friend who said things like, "You don't know THAT" and "You don't know how to spell . . . " DD ended up in tears.

I felt so bad for her. She's trying SO hard, but she feels she is supposed to know everything already. She doesn't know what outlining is, or a summary - basic school stuff on the one hand, totally new to her on the other.

I'm unsure how much to be involved in her homework. Seems like there's many choices . . I could do it for her, but seems like she'd be unprepared for the class (small classes of 8 people). She wants to do it, but doesn't want it to be hard. I could sit with her and assist her. That'd be fine, although if it's going to be like this every weekend, it's not totally fair to her brothers . . . although they did like having dd's friends over all day Sunday (!). Her homework basically took over our weekend. I would love some input.

Part of me wants to tell her that it's her work to do, and I'm in the room next door watching a movie if she needs me. Part of me wants to tell her to get it done at school and talk to the teachers about what she doesn't know . . . Another part of me could sit in her room with her for hours and hours and talk about the ideas and concepts behind what she's being asked to do.

I'll read Sandra's page on detaching from school again. (Maybe I ought to outline it and memorize it - ha.) Help! I feel as if our family has been infiltrated . . . argh! I need a different way to think about it.

I have a suspicion that it would really help if I was just focused on being kind and cheerful as we sort out how this homework thing will shake down . . . hmmmm. Also to apply some basics of mindful parenting/unschooling -- trust her, that's she's in the right place right now for her, for what she needs in life, what she needs to know, observe, appreciate, understand. This is her path. I'm next to her and shining a light alongside her.

Ann
mom to dd, 15, ds, 16, ds, 16

Permalink Reply by Heather McCarty on September 15, 2009 at 6:17am

We have not gotten to homework. I guess I figured we would be helping him when he asks for help. Though if that gets to be SO much time that it affects other important things- like my other kid - that could be difficult. Could you give them lots of time when she isn't there, and then that makes up for it? Or just help her as much as you can, then explain that the other kids need this or that? I guess just deal with it just like you would if they were all home all the time and wanting something at the same time? We always have this situation even when they are both home - that doing something for one kid can seem to the other that it is time taken away from them.

The not getting involved I take to mean more not worrying about grades, and what the school thinks, and going to the school to protect your kid... UNLESS that is expressly what your kid wants. My kid doesn't want me to go to the school or call his teacher about the difficulties he is having. So I won't. If he did, I would be willing to get involved in a way that he felt would be helpful. I would try it, at least. Perhaps I would find it pointless- and perhaps that is part of the point- that it is pointless to ask for accommodation for an individual from an institution- it just isn't what they are good at. I wouldn't think that Sandra would mean you should ignore the child's requests for help. It might be worth asking her. She won't see this, as she isn't a member of this group.

And a different way to think about it is always helpful! That seems like the right track. Hope things get sorted out -

I have found that other adults are suggesting that I do something to get involved. And I say I would if I was asked to - by my son. And that is really hard for them to understand - that I respect his wishes to work it out on his own - and that my support is listening and listening and offering some suggestions, asking questions.

I told him I guessed he would feel angry at himself and regretful if he quit school now, without giving it more of a chance. Though I would love to have him stay home today!! I know that wouldn't feel like a good decision to him, so I did not encourage it. He may take a day or two off this week - his grandma is coming to visit- I figure that is reason enough. We'll say he isn't feeling well - which isn't far from the truth. I think staying indoors on these beautiful fall days is really hard for him. Might well be making him sick!

Permalink Reply by Charissa Vaunderbroad on September 29, 2011 at 5:13am

I communicate with my son's school extensively. I asked them what system or curriculum they use for discipline issues. I found they use Love and Logic. I read their books. I find it so much easier to explain where I am coming from if I use their terms and language. When a teacher approaches me to fix something that isn't broken I say "Wow what a bummer, what are you guys going to do about it?" They are so much more willing to work with my son respectfully when I use their terms (Love and Logic Family) instead of mine (Radical Unschooling Family). My son knows that he signed up for a ton of homework when he chose academia. So far, it is worth it to get to have lunch and a science/computer lab with other kids.

Permalink Reply by Charissa Vaunderbroad on September 29, 2011 at 5:28am

We do sit at the table doing homework together a lot! He chose to go to the school for classes that don't involve much writing and math so we do those classes at home with a high interest curriculum. He wants to be able to keep up with his peers so I am thankful they make "intervention programs."I am so grateful that I waited until he was interested and I am so happy that the school was able to order and pay for them. Who would have thought we would be going this route?

Permalink Reply by Melodye Van Volkinburg on May 13, 2012 at 5:30pm

I had a very heated argument with my daughter's vice principal last year because I wouldn't force her to stand in front of the class to do an oral report She has select mutism and I would never force her anyway. He asked what I was going to do about her taking speech in high school. I told him I would homeschool like I do with my other kids. He asked how I can possible teach kids in multiple grades and wanted to know how I was qualified to do that. Hmmm, I'm a mom with 5 kids and I allow them to learn what they are interested in, not teach by force. That's what qualifies me. I have always made teachers mad by not forcing my kids to do their homework or punishing for bad grades. When I was in elementary school I never did work because I was so bored! I had to do testing with the school counselor at the end of every year to make sure I was learning, then they would pass me on. That probably wouldn't happen in ps now.