How to get Dad onboard with unschooling

[Deborah Sweatman]

I have just, myself, begun to assimilate what unschooling is and how it can benefit all my kids. My husband, on the other hand, only knows what I have told him about unschooling. I cannot convince him to read the materials I have read and I am having a hard time verbalizing to him what I understand and know, in my heart, about it. He agreed to pull our son, Shaun-17, out of public school last year because of an emotional crisis he (Shaun) was going through. He just recently decicded we could "try" unschooling our youngest daughter, Sammie-9, while she attends a demo school 3 days out of the week. He does not believe, at all, in the process of de-schooling and that, even if there is such a "thing", he doesn't buy into the 1 month per school year theory. Just 1 week into Sammie's unschooling & he is asking me to prove to him that unschooling is working for both kids. He doesn't see any evidence that they are doing anything to learn to take care of themselves (i.e. clean up after themselves, get dressed unless something is happening, playing games or sleeping all day, etc.). He wasn't too happy to hear from Sammie that all she could tell him she learned while at the demo school was that swimming alone wasn't a safe thing to do. He agrees that the public school system is wrong, but feels that I, if we don't have the kids in school, I should be making the kids learn to take care of themselves their things AND make them pick up books & start learning something. All he sees is him going to work very gruelling hours (12 days/nights swing shift rotation) and coming home to a mess & everyone (including me-I'm afraid to say) sitting around doing "nothing". He is positive if we don't make the kids learn to take care of themselves & make them learn what "they need to know", they'll become leeches. His only experience with allowing a child to do what they want has been with other people allowing their kids to sit around, even after graduation, until well into adulthood. When they get feed up & throw them out, the offspring just freeload off of friends & other family members, never bothering to learn how to take responsibility for themselves. I cannot get it through to him that those are classic examples of people who not only let their kids sit around but who didn't expect the kids/grown child to do anything. They continued to do for their kids, treating them like little kids instead of individual people. They never treated their kids like real people and didn't expect them to do anything. I can be more eloquent with the written word to my husband than verbally. His work schedule, and the kids schedules, don't always give us much "face time" to talk anyway. His idea of talking is bringing up whatever is bothering him and saying "we have to do something about it" and expecting me to come up with a solution by myself. He also decides to make these declarations in front of the kids and just before he, or I and the kids, are getting ready to go somewhere. When we do get to talk, I get so frustrated about how unable I am to say what I want that I often find myself unable to speak at all. It doesn't help if what I do try to say isn't what he wants to hear, either.

[Valerie]

Any teens wanna reply to this?

I could talk as a wife and mother, but the experiences that you have and could reflect back for her husband would be awesome. Like when you did you really get you could teach yourself? How did you decide to explore stuff? When you're playing endless videogames on XBOX live what are you learning (I contend that you are.)

[Tracy Liebmann]

Hi~ One of the toughest things at the beginning of unschooling is dealing with nay sayers when we ourselves are still deschooling and getting comfortable in our new more open, free mind. When it is your hubby, it is an even bigger challenge. This is not an easy jump to take...our brains are SO well conditioned! I always approached it with my hubby from the aspect of trust. I always went back to the question.."do you trust me", he usally says yes ;-) and we go from there. If your husband does not want to read and research for himself, then that is really his only choice is to trust you and your kids. I would also print stuff about unschooling/deshooling, and put books in the bathroom...you know the reading room ;-)
Also,if he works really long hours there is probably some part of him that is envious of your more free relaxed lives. Maybe you all could cook his favorite dinner or dessert for him, just try to reconnect as a family with no talk about "doing" just work on "being".
Don't try to convince him, just work on getting yourself in the most inspired, best unschooling vibe you can get into and watch what can happen...it's a small world, but a BIG life :-)

[Deborah Sweatman]

One of my major hurdles is that my hubby does not believe there is such a thing as deschooling and, as far as he's concerned, if he doesn't believe in it, it doesn't exist. He has always been this way and will refuse to look at written evidence that disproves his opinion. He even, one time in the past, insisted that I look up his side of an arguement we were having about a different issue. He wanted me to disprove myself and my belief without even being willing to consider that what I was doing was feasible. As far as trust is concerned, he did, reluctantly, agree for me to withdraw Sammie from school to "give it a try" but is already having second thoughts about it. Without his saying so, I can see the wheels in his head saying, the sooner we re-enroll her, the less behind she'll get. I can see how this could scare him into wanting to see visible proof ASAP. He's afraid he won't ever see any and the kids will end up being so far behind in school, should they go back, that they'll never catch up. Our oldest is so close to the end of his schooling that it wasn't as much a concern, school-wise, but the girls are much younger. Now my 13 year old has finally decided that she wants to start her unschooling NOW instead of later like she'd planned & the tension at home right now suggest a major blow up if that happens immediately. My hubby trusts me to get the kids off to school (the one in school anyway) get them to Dr., Dentist & other appt.s on time as well as any non-school activities, but, from my lousy track record in keeping an "orderly" home, he doesn't trust me to "teach" the kids responsibility for themselves & their environment. This translates, to him, if I can't teach them to be responsible with themselves & the house, how can I be "teaching" them anything else they need to learn in order to survive the outside world. It also doesn't help me when he "lays down the law" about what needs to get "done" around the house. His idea of "helping" is to tell everyone what they are doing is wrong or that they missed something. He doesn't explain the right way to do something, just says to figure it out. You can tell from this that I am currently harboring a lot of negative emotions towards our relationship. I know he loves me & the kids. I know he thinks that wanting us to have a cleaner, healthier, home is one of the ways he has of showing he cares about us, but his delivery of such desires is lacking in "tact". No one, child or adult, wants to be told "you gotta do this now & do it my way"-not even my hubby wants that & he should know. He gets that at work all day long. He spends long hours having to listen to other people tell him he's doing his job all wrong when they don't even know anything about what he's doing. I am trying to be a buffer between the kids & my hubby but I'm taking an emotional beating while doing so.

[Tracy Liebmann]

Wow, I am so sorry you are having such a challenging time! I hear that he wants proof this will "work" but he is not willing to listen or read any of the proof, so again I say just focus on what you can control...which is you and only you :-) Do YOU want a cleaner, healthier home? If so, there are lots of resources online to help people get orgainized around the house...if not then, I guess you need to be honest about that and ask him to please back off or do it himself/hire someone to do it. I mentioned that you only have control over you and it sounds as though you DH might have a bit of a control issue and he is wishing he had more control over everything at home...thats his issue. When our partner has controlling tendancy's it can be an overwhelming issue to try and say just trust and allow...all will be well...they just can't handle that. Yet, there is really nothing we can do to help them except hold on to our truth, stand in our truth, say what we mean with out being mean and keep doing what we believe in.
I know it is challenging to say the least to be the buffer between he and the kids, but if thats what needs to happen right now, that's what needs to happen. You will need to take care of yourself by reaching out for more support from supportive people like you are doing here.
Try to listen to his concerns, then just keep stating your truths over and over again...like a broken record...I have the articles if you'd like to read them, I could get you in touch with other Dads that have been through what you are going through, I know of grown unschoolers that are happy, healthy "productive" people in society. Hang on...it's worth it...almost every family that has come out of the system goes through rough times...you are not alone...I can assure you of that. Take care and stay true to YOU :-)

[Sandra Dodd]

Maybe print out SHORT bits of some of these things, possibly:
http://sandradodd.com/dads

Leave them near the toilet. Or get CDs of talks and put them in the car. There are some Ben Lovejoy things on CD, if you think your husband only wants to hear male voices. If female voices might do, there are some things of mine. (Oh! One has a male voice too. )
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully (there at the bottom)
http://sandradodd.com/unschooling (a couple linked on the right side)

If you live near other unschooling families, or near where a conference might be happening, if he can be around unschooled teens it might help.

The problem is, with taking a teenager out of school, the school damage is done. Depending on whether your 17 year old wanted to come home or not, it could be even more serious.

Ease into it, though, and tell him you need to give it a real try or you're just making a mess. It doesn't work in a week. Neither does school. Find an analogy he knows. Martial arts or sports or restoring a car or something. Nothing in those areas is going to show any proof in a week.

[laura b]

sandra, i call the leaving stuff in the bathroom and around the house "strewing your husband"...sounds dirty, but it's not!! well, i guess that could depend on what it is you strew...LOL!!

[Rynalee]

I've heard people recommend starting a family blog to post cool things the kids are doing, and sharing it with your husband. That would give him a bit of insight into what IS happening, rather than him just focussing on what isn't. My husband has come a LONG way, and various things have helped. Still a long way to go though :) One thing that was helpful was the book "Parenting A Free Child" by Rue Kream. He only read the first few pages, but it was a helpful step along the journey. I also purchased a talk by an unschooling Dad from a conference (we live in Australia so can't get to any IRL) and the Parenting Peacefully talk by Sandra Dodd.

And yeah, I do think a major part of it can be jealousy. My husband now freely admits that he's jealous of the life his kids get to live. He wishes he could have lived it as a child, and he wishes he had more freedom now, too. Sandra Dodd's page at www.sandradodd.com/unschooling about "have to" are really helpful. Perhaps a cleverer person than me could put a link here? :)

Oh, and there's also a really helpful thing here (let me see if I can do a link myself lol):

http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/

Hang in there! It's early days....

Karyn

[Heather (in NY)]

We have Scott Noelle's book the Daily Groove as bathroom reading- each page is a separate thought, and it is written by a man, which is a big plus. I also subscribe to his Daily Groove emails and often forward them to my husband, or forward other bits of emails to him from lists- or a link to an article.

Husbands learn the same way other people do - when they are ready and don't feel pressured. I hold in my mind what I desire for our relationship and his relationship with the kids, and allow myself to feel the sadness and frustration that comes up when things are not what I desire there. Then I move on to a more creative space that allows me to react in the moment more effectively. Also we do a lot of stuff to help Dad have a more enjoyable life in general - making sure his needs are met, so he can be in a space to be more receptive to ours.

[Sandra Dodd]

Deborah, if your husband is a skiier or snowboarder, maybe consider sending him to Santa Fe for at least part of the SUSS conference. If he went Friday afternoon, he could be in a meeting of just dads, and the next morning there will be a sessions of teens and young adults, and some impressive ones too--Joyce Fetteroll's Kathryn, Pam's three: Roya, Roxana and Rosie, and maybe less impressively in some ways my Kirby, Marty and Holly, all in one place at one time, for the first time ever (and likely the last). And there will be other experienced teens there too.

What I'm not wanting is teens who are new to unschooling, so for a teen to attend, he should've been unschooling for five years. But for a mom or dad to attend without their kids, that's doable.

It would be a good conference for parents who've made friends through unschooling to meet without families, hang out, and learn a lot.
More info is here:
http://sandradodd.com/suss