"spiritual"

[Jane B]

I was raised catholic. Do I have to say more? At the risk of offending someone, I ask that. Because I realize that not all catholics feel the same, of course. Yet, the guilt and shame thing does seem to plague most of us.

I rebelled and became atheist. I became a scientist too. Not that one necessitates the other. It doesn't. But I don't think I was really meant to be a scientist. I love it, it's fascinating. But in the kind of modern culture scientists operate, I'm more of an oddity. I have "senses". You know, I will do something because I have a gut feeling about it. Scientists aren't supposed to do that.

Anyway, my point was going to be that I could, used to, barely say the word "spiritual" without outright laughing, or cringing, or smirking. But having babies kind of cracked me wide open. Selena doesn't let a thing get past me. She knows about spirituality. So I'm learning too.

Getting in touch with my soul, with my higher self, with the divine, is ... well, divine. I can't seem to shake the need to glance over my shoulder and see if anyone or anything is watching me though.

[laura b]

i was also raised catholic. i totally get the guilt and shame thing. it is hard to shake off for sure. i am still learning to trust my gut and not always doubt myself.

[Jane B]

Is there something specific you are doing to foster that trust?

[Julie B]

Joe has always called me a Christian, something I've never really been. It took me a while to see his perspective, but then I began to realize that the whole foundation of my life was based on guilt and feeling responsible for pleasing others, a common traditionally Christian thing, although I know it doesn't necessarily have to be. I had treated myself (with no specific religious training) as a sinner in need of constant tweaking and improvement. This came to me courtesy of bigger folks around me who promoted the idea that if something went wrong it was because I was bad.

What a relief to largely get over this before Dmitri came along and to realize that those bigger people around me were just trying to feel better in the only way they knew. I'm still allergic to the word spiritual and any label including unschooling. I realize that I'm probably unnecessarily sensitive about it, though.

Labels are not such a big deal, and I have a tendency to take things too seriously. A good deal of my focus now is poking fun at all the things I formerly made a big deal about.

[Jane B]

So related to the spiritual word is the energy one. What's your broadest definition of energy? You know, beyond 1/2mv^2 ... ha ha

[Julie B]

My broadest definition of energy is that buzzing, moving stuff that permeates everything and makes us one. :-)

[Jane B]

i love that. :) I feel a strong sense of validation and warmth hearing it.

I was first introduced to "energy" in a yoga class. The teacher was like, "feel the energy all the way from the edge of your foot shooting out the tips of your fingers ... " I thought, "huh?" But felt it anyway.

[Jane B]

I'm NA too ... but with not so much connection as I'd like. We think we're Apache and Yaqui ... But the great grandmother who was full (Apache?) never wanted to talk about it.

I think I have some kind of inherent connection to the Earth because of it ... Or I wish I do. Which is pretty much the same thing, right?

I heard (Catherine Myss?) discussing how we feel we're being watched and afraid of being embarrassed or something. Afraid of being wrong. She said something about we think there is a god of another planet spying. I'll have to listen to that again and report back.

[Jane B]

My grandfather's details, connection to his surname, tribal information etc. also mysteriously burned with everything in a house. And it seems my relatives were trying to blend in for the similar reasons as yours. As best I can put together, when the tribal peoples of the southwest were being rounded up and sent to reservations, my relatives were hiding out in the desert mountains ... impersonating Mexicans I think, which probably wasn't too hard considering they were living in Mexico... and then AZ became a state and suddenly they became Native Americans, ':-/.

Also, both my parents speak Spanish fluently, it was my Dad's first language, yet they refused to teach any of us kids the language. Being different wasn't nearly as cool then as it is now.

So genetically I'm pretty cool. ha ha. But socially, culturally, I'm so vanilla. (not that white isn't cool!!!!)

I'd be interested in hearing more about how you try to incorporate tribal culture in your current life ...

I like how folks refer to death as "crossing over". Did you read the thread here that Julie started on "Silly Billy". What do you believe your relatives have crossed over to?

[lissa]

i can completely relate to what your saying. i struggled for years with what i was told was truth and the truth that eminated from my soul. just keep following your gut.

when ever i need a reminder that I am undefinable and that "I AM exactly what I need to be", I listen to Amy Stenbergs song Exactly. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqZYd2UCfI8

[Jane B]

Thanks Pam. And thanks for a wonderful conference. L&L was amazing. I know my mom really enjoyed it; our relationship I think was changed deeply in a good way because of it. Big heart warming thanks!

[Bonnie]

I had treated myself (with no specific religious training) as a sinner in need of constant tweaking and improvement.

That's how I've always treated myself too, but in my case it was a combination of being raised Southern Baptist (right up there with Catholicism, in terms of guilt and shame) and being born with a very sensitive disposition. I never got in trouble in school because a mere disapproving look from an adult was enough to terrify me into behaving. And any criticism from a peer, no matter how mild, made me think I was "bad" and needed to change. So I got into a very people-pleasing kind of mindset that I'm still trying to get out of. It's getting better, though, now that I'm realizing nobody knows what's good for me better than I do.