Allowing possibility

[Sylvia Toyama]

A friend said some things to me today that were very helpful in accepting the reality of my current situation. I recognize now how and why I got here, and I think I'm beginning to see what it is I really needed to learn in all this. I can even turn around the suggestion that I should never have agreed to this situation. I should have because thru this I have learned about my recognizing and honoring my own boundaries (a HUGE lesson for me, and much too long in coming).

One thing she said, tho, has stuck with me and seems inconsistent with accepting reality. I was explaining that one difference Gary (dh) and I have is that he needs to be able to hope things will get better when they aren't as he'd like. I can't do hope. I need to accept that things are going to be this way indefinitely. If I let myself hope for any kind of change, it intoxicates me so much that I ignore the now, with the result being that when the hoped for doesn't pan out, I'm dumped back into a chaotic now because I've ignored what now needs to chase my hopes.

She asked if I could at least allow for the possibility that this won't go on forever, that someday Gary's job situation will change/improve and life will be easier for us.

I don't know how to both accept the reality of now, and allow for the possibility things may change. That feels too much like hope, and I just can't do hope again. I could probably manage 'reasonable expectation' but hope? No way.

[Jody]

Sounds like you've been hurt, dissappointed, let down. Hope feels too much like a set up. Maybe being ok with the now you are in, staying present with it, and if it changes, staying ok with the NEW now you are in. You can't be in the future, and you don't want to stay stuck in the past. And, as always, being ok in it doesn't mean complacency for the things that need improvement. Just being ok moving through today, and not being frantic for how you wish they were. Does that make sense? Sending you cyber hugs!

[Rain Fordyce]

Hi Sylvia,

Jodi is right. The key is being in the now. Whether you judge good, bad, or indifferent, the now is where you don't have to worry about the future of hope. You just move forward where you are. Step by step...

The joy part is up to you. People find joy through hope, faith, optimism, yet that is all future thinking. Instead, I like to find joy in my gratitude for the now. Appreciate the gifts that are sitting right before you. Your husband home to help you with the kids, your kids who get to spend a day with daddy. High vibrations for your family unit, together all day!

Trust me, I understand the transition of having your husband home all day... Just be where you are and allow yourself to feel what is right. You will practice and get used to life as it is. You are right where you are supposed to be!

Smiles and blessings,
Rain

[Sylvia Toyama]

but he's not home today. He's never home more than 4 nights a week, usually only 3. We can't really count on when he'll be home. In theory, it's supposed to be the same day each week, but in reality it's not reliable. Either the guy who dispatches Gary's schedule is incredibly incompetent, or he has a passive-aggressive need to assert his ownership of Gary's time. In any case, I'm pretty sure he must be somebody's brother-in-law -- there is just no other explanation for how he continues to be employed!

I can accept that I am right where I'm supposed to be - my fear is that I'll be here forever more. I got here because I didn't know how to set boundaries. Now I've figured that one out, but I don't have any truly good choices available to me, just less-bad ones.

[greenlee]

As far as I know, the work is only inquiry. It is just four questions and a turnaround. I don't think you have to accept anything, and I don't think it's a choice between accepting reality & allowing for possiblity. I think that you can put your beliefs up against inquiry and see where you come out. There is nothing that inquiry cannot hold, and there is unlimited possibility for you to explore that.

My feeling is that if hope (or optimism or anything) is working for someone, great! There is no need to do the work or over anaylze this. If hope doesn't work for you, great! I'm not sure what hope even is, but maybe it's just the excitement of looking forward to something that you've planned or desired, and feeling that joy of it. That sounds fun! I love being excited about something.

Sylvia, I remember reading something Katie said...that when we feel fear, grief, anger, etc, it's an indicator that we're believing something that isn't true for us. If you wanted to, you could inquire into your fear. The one that says I'll be here forever. Is that true? Can you absolutely know that it's true? How do you react when you believe the thought that you could be here forever? Who would you be without your story?

[Sylvia Toyama]

The one that says I'll be here forever. Is that true? Can you absolutely know that it's true? How do you react when you believe the thought that you could be here forever?

****
Oh, I can't know things will be this way forever. But, if I allow any possibility it may someday improve, I get caught up in a cycle of hope and disappointment.

It's much easier for me to make peace with the way now is if I don't expect it to someday be better. I'm still sad for a piece of each day, but I'm no longer wasting energy being angry or arguing with what is. This is what it is, and I don't like it, but if I had to live this way forever, I'm sure I could. I'm just very sad to think this is the way things will remain for who knows how long.

[Jennifer Ironstone]

I am going to echo Greenlee's comments that The Work is simply four questions and a turnaround. What The Work is not is rationalization. It's not justification, explanation, affirmation or positive thinking.

When we answer the question Is it true?, it is suggested (by Katie) that we commit to a simple yes or no. Both answers are good. When we add a "because" or a "but" to the yes or no, we leave inquiry.

Sylvia, it sounds as if there are at least some times when you're believing that you need this situation to change. Then, when that story feels hopeless and overwhelming, mind travels to the other side of this logic and points out something like "giving up on your hopes feels better than agonizing over whether or not they'll ever come true". So let's do The Work on this idea that you need to accept what is. Does that sound accurate?

Can you describe how you react when you're believing this story? What happens? How does it feel in your body?

[Sylvia Toyama]

Which story? That the situation needs to change, or that I need to give up hope?

When I believe the situation needs to change I feel powerless to change anything. When I believe I need give up hope and truly accept this reality as the right way for us to live forever, I feel desolate AND powerless.

I guess that's my fundamental question -- I can accept that this situation is as it needs to be now. I'm not able to be entirely happy with this reality, but it must be the way things need to be, because it's what they are.

I also believe that AT SOME POINT IN TIME, we all need things to change. We need to take steps to make this better, to have their Dad home every night.

This situation is manageable now, but I see cumulative damage to our children. They are not thriving in this situation. It is not good for them. I'm not thriving. My husband is not thriving. Yes, we're all surviving, but survival alone isn't enough for children.

That's my question -- how I do really accept reality is good and necessary when I see my children with unmet needs?

I realized just now part of why this is hard for me is that it's skating very close to some past religious experiences for me. Reasons I left the religion I'd practiced for many years.

[Jody]

Interesting. I have left a lifelong religion, it's hard at first. And when new things come up that remind you of the worst part of your religious experiences, it is like a trigger, bringing up feelings and emotions that are not pleasant, almost like feeling trapped.
Are you in a position to seek out a counselor who is familiar with the work?

[Sylvia Toyama]

A counselor isn't an option -- no funds and no time away from my kids, either.

[greenlee]

Hi Sylvia,

((hugs)))

Did you mean that doing the work is skating very close to a past religious practice? I thought you might have meant that, but in case you didn't, just disregard my next paragraph. :)

You know, I don't know much about religion so I'm probably not very good about speaking to that, but I know that doing the work is not anything close to what I've heard religion is. Doing the work is just asking yourself four questions when you find that you are feeling stress, sadness, anger, grief, etc. (plus a turnaround). The questions are pretty good...I mean, they are so direct and simple. I think religions typically dictate (request?) that you 'believe' certain things...while doing the work has no such agenda. The work is a simple process that allows you to ask yourself questions...and it is not in the asking of the questions that teaches you...but in your answers. Your answers. Your answers are your teacher and for each of us those answers will (may) be different. And, whatever your true answers are...well, it is enough.

The reason I bring this up is because I sense that you feel you are being asked to accept things....or to be believe certain things...or to be happy...or to BE anything at all. There is no expectation of any of that in the work. The work is not for that. It is just inquiry.

You could also (in addition to Jennifer's wonderful suggestion about doing the work on acceptance) ask yourself if it's true that your children have unmet needs. Maybe make a list of all the "proof"you have for that statement and do the work on each one. Find out if it's actually true or not. :)

[Jennifer Ironstone]

I can't comment on the religion issue other than to say that The Work is compatible with every religion and counter to none, including agnostic and atheist perspectives . . . and I agree with Greenlee. The Work simply leads one to the "religion" of their own heart's song -- nothing more.


I wanted to come back and mention something else I've often heard Katie say, in case it may be of service to you, Sylvia.

She frequently says something like The moment I want something I lose the awareness of its existence now.



Something to ponder . . .

[Rain Fordyce]

Wow! You have opened a beautiful conversation! Thank you Sylvia. Here is the link for free support of the work on their hotline:
http://www.instituteforthework.com/community/index.php?name=nd_user...

I hope this finds you well.
smiles and joy,
Rain