not enough words

[laura bowman]

this is my contribution to the blog carnival for october 'your unschooling tribe.' it was originally posted on my blog on july 11th, 2008.

there is this "truth" that has formed in my mind over the years. years that take up the better part of my life. it is based on a specific set of beliefs i had about myself. those beliefs are that i do not know how to make friends...and when/if i do, i can't keep them. also, that i am unlikeable and easily forgettable, socially dysfunctional and awkward (okay, those last 2 are probably pretty true). but in the past few months, those beliefs have been changing. i've been becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin...making peace with who i am and where i am. i feel like i've had this feeling before, this personal growth. and maybe i have, maybe we have these moments over and over and each time there's something new to learn and/or relearn.

on wednesday, i had the most profound moment. a feeling of happiness and peace and satisfaction came over me. that and the feeling of being surrounded by love and friendship. we had friends in from charleston since sunday, having a wonderful time just hanging out and being ourselves together. then wednesday was scotty's birthday and we had more friends over for a potluck and acoustic jam in the backyard. it was a rainy rainy day, but it let up just long enough for our party and then when it was over, it rained again. yes, CG, i think you were right when you said once that the universe loves me. so, just as everyone was settling in and starting to talk and eat, this feeling came over me. i teared up a bit, got that little catch in my chest. it felt good. i'm having it again right now =). i got to hear little tyler play his fiddle again and hear heather for the first time!! mostly, it was heather and scotty playing. although he has never really played in front of people, so he had a hard time getting comfortable...but it was good for him. and he and heather talked about playing together again so he could learn some of her songs and be better at accompaniment (is that a word?). everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, talking, singing, eating, kids running and playing, it was really wonderful. i just sat back in awe.

what ever made me think that my world was so small? that i was so terribly incapable of having people in my life that might actually care about me. i'm just so used to there being so few people that i let in. i keep people at a distance, i always have. but i've been learning to not do that so much, to just let go.

so i've had a very full full week of friendship and it feels good. after my trip to charleston and florida, i thought i had made the most growth possible...but apparently, there was still more to learn. i'm sure there's even more still.

pix with our friends, jess, aron, genevieve, and aurora:

pix of the party:

[Rain Fordyce]

Oh yea! You are who you hang around...
Soooo true!
smiles

[laura bowman]

oh my...i sometimes forget the rest of the world when there is dancing to be done. except for those moments when i was jamming and dancing with sadie or someone else. still the rest of the world just disappears. to know someone witnessed it makes it seem so much better!! yeah! i loved rocking out with her. it was after our little jam that she finally came out of her shell and started dancing.

i'm at a really good place these days...it's amazing how much can happen in a few short months. the friends i choose to spend time with now are a big part of that change!!

[Laura]

Hi Laura - I'm very happy for you! I don't have the pleasure of knowing you IRL, but I was at the L&L concert and was there when you had a wild air-guitar jam session with your daughter on the dance floor, and I thought "Now there's a woman who's in touch with her inner power!" It's interesting to find that our inner thoughts and worries don't always match our outward personas.

I was in a funk the other day and as I was driving the 1/2 hour to a meet-up of friends, a whole mess of unhappy thoughts were swirling around in my head. "Why can't I get my act together. I can't believe I'm still struggling over that one thing. I'm so unorganized." blah blah blah that sort of crud. But somehow, just before I arrived, I had this moment of awareness - I'm going to get out of the car and greet my friends and they're going to have no idea that I just spent the last 30 minutes beating myself up. So that begs the question... was it a worthwhile use of my time? Could I instead have talked to myself in gentler ways? "It's ok that I'm unorganized. There are lessons to be learned in my struggles. I am here, I am happy, I am loved."

And then when I got out of the car I would've spread light instead of darkness.

It takes time, though, to get to that place. You are arriving! Enjoy that space!